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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 61
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 61 |
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<small>[ February 16, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
Cpx affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can be totally honest with you (and you with her) and share her innermost thoughts and feelings (no matter how unpleasant they are for you) without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and hopefully will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
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Joined: May 2002
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part of eliminatng LoveBusters is for YOU to be honest with her. You need to print out the emails and confront her. Lovingly. This will not be easy, I know. You may want to get some help or advice from a counselor for how to do this.
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 341
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 341 |
Your right CPX, EA are extremely painful. My WS had two A in our marriage and found out about both of them around the same time, The first was a PA but no EA ten years ago the second was EA and no PA. To him they are opposite ends of the spectrum. To him the PA was easy to write off even though it lasted a year. This one has been devasting. I'll tell you what I did and still to some extent do wrong, I don't sympathize enough with the pain of letting go of the OW. She was my best friend for 20 years and has told him she has been in love with him for 20 years. I like to point out all the errors in that thinking but it doesn't get me anywhere because he's brainwashed into thinking he must have been in love with her too. So if possible just let her know you feel her pain. I finally started relating it to the pain of losing H's love and that is how much he must be hurting over losing her.
Good luck
km4
me 39
WH 44
Married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend
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Joined: Oct 2003
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<small>[ February 16, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>
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