I'm currently working on Plan A. Long story short, my H confessed his A about 10 days ago. Since that time he has definitely softened his position about leaving and filing for D. He's even been affectionate on a few occassions recently.

The night before last when he was being affectionate I mentioned to him that he was welcome to come back and sleep in our bed whenever he was ready. He wasn't, but that was ok. Last night he had to work late and when he arrived home I went downstairs just to say goodnight and give him a hug. In the morning, I found a note that said he's confused and wants to talk after work.

HELP!!! I know he's having a hard time trying to decide if he wants to stay in the M or leave me for her (he told our MC that he broke off contact about 4 weeks ago). Is this withdrawl from her? I know not to LB, I think I'm getting really good at that over the last 10 days, but what else can I do? Is it ok to tell him that I love him at this point or will that scare him??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hope4Best:

<strong>Is it ok to tell him that I love him at this point or will that scare him??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it's ok to tell him that you love him very much, that his happiness is of great importance to you so much so that you will not hold him back if he decides to end the marriage. Why would you possibly say such a thing? To make him see that your love for him is real and not just a selfish desire to have him by your side no matter what. How do you think this will look to him when he compares your love for him with the so called love the OW professes to have for him? If he has any shred of intelligence and love for you, he will see that there is no comparison between the two of you. Is it risky? Of course it's risky but your marriage is already at risk of ending and pleading, acting needy, angry, or spiteful will only push him further away and towards the OW. Letting go may be one of the hardest things you can do, but it just may be the wisest one to save your marriage.

So my H came home and we had a talk. He seems to think I am trying to hard. . . .I'm not sure how that can be because all I'm doing is making sure I meet any needs he'll allow (and let me tell you that's not many, especially now), not LBing and taking care of our kids.

He told me he's very confused. Over the weekend, we were intimate and he told me he felt like he was cheating on the OW. Is this common? Again, he repeated that he loves the OW and not me. How do I begin to try to rebuild if he's trying not to let me in? I need help and advice here.

Also, he thinks he cannot even begin to work on "us" until he has "him" fixed?? I feel like this may be just a way to avoid me even longer.

He still talks to me about thinking about what if this doesn't work. I'm sticking to my position that I'm committed to working on this M and that I'm putting all my energies into that. I don't want any negative thoughts to cloud my head so I'm not thinking about that at this time.

He is still in the house, although he seems distant again. Is this still "the fog". Could this also be withdrawls from her???

I was re-reaading parts of SAA and read that when you want to rebuild the M you have to create activites that meet the EN's of affection, SF, conversation and recreational companionship. How do we do this if he doesn't wan SF or affection from me? Is it to say that perhaps we do these even though he doesn't feel love?? How can he do this?? (I understand the feelings of love are going to be a long time in the making, but I'm not sure if he understands that he has to partake in some of these activities to find those feelings again.) HELP!!! CONFUSED!!! SCARED!!!! Feeling like I'm on a spiraling ship plummeting towards the earth. . . . . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hope,

Whenever I hear of a spouse who thinks the BS is "trying to hard" I think of Weiner's 180 list. It prevents the kind of hovering that seems to upset spouses who feel smothered. I'm going to post it for you....it actually works pretty well during the Plan A phase. Spouses in withdrawal from an affair....won't let you fill many needs....use the things you can do (like time with the kids...family, keeping the house nice...Domestic Support, looking nice...attractive spouse etc. to fill needs that without him realizing you are. Of course no LBs. But here's the list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Normally.....I would agree wholly with TMCM about the I love yous.....but when a spouse says the kind of things you've relayed....I think you should hold off a little while.

Star*fish, I do have this list and I adhere pretty closely to it. Yesterday was the first time that we've actually had a conversation about our relationship since he's confessed his A. I guess I'll keep coming here for reassurances, I realize I won't get them from him.

One question, according to SAA you have to spend time together to try to get back those feelings of love. If I'm not supposed to schedule dates, how do we spend time together? Is asking to do something on the spur of the moment ok? How will his feelings of "love" lessen for her if we don't spend time together???

Thanks for your advice.

Hope

Hope,

Yes, spending time is essential to rebuilding love....but during withdrawal (the worst period is the first three weeks) don't expect much. Build up slowly and use as much patience during this time as possible. If he is not in contact with her....it will get easier. Good luck.

Star*fish,

What if there is still minimal contact. What I mean by that is she works at one of his customers and answers the phone, by this nature they will have some contact from time to time. Does this slow down the process of diminishing the feelings of love for her??

Hope

Hope,

It slows it down ALOT...in fact makes it drag on and on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />