Ok, this is just venting and ranting, but any emotional support would be great.

Why do I even bother with her. Why am I continueing to put myself through all this. I'm sure most of you are somewhat familiar with my story, if not check out some of the threads. I've lately been thinking to myself: "I don't know if she is worth all this." Why in the hell do I even want to try and patch things up with a lying, cheat of a wife who doesn't show any regard for my feelings? Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself. But is that reason enough for all this pain and suffering? Now, I know what the obvious response will be, "do it for your kids..." I know, they are the only reason the OM is still alive and I'm not rotting in prison right now. I love my boys, I only want the best for them. I can forgive my wife for all that she has done to me over the last couple of months, but I don't think I could ever forgive her for what she is doing to the kids. I can't imagine right now wanting to be with someone who so readily tramples on my heart like this, over and over again.

I just want this to be over...the pain of this that is. I want thing to work out, but she is so unwilling. She maintains that she wants a D. I'm about 2 wks. into plan B and this sucks!!! Why am I doing this? My pride and dignity is telling me to cut her loose and file D papers, that I can do better. Life is too short for this, why should I waste my time on her. There are plenty of other woman out there, why bother with one who is treating me like this? I'm so sick and angry about her behavior in the last 2 mo.'s. This isn't my wife, this isn't the woman I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have a hard time imagining that woman ever returning to me. I just want to slap her around a little and knock some sense into her (of course I would never lay a hand on her...just a figure of speach). I don't think she has any idea what she is doing to herself and our kids. It just makes me furious to think of her being so short sighted and selfish. UHHHGGGG... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !!!!!

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

WMWB - I can relate to what you are thinking and going through, maybe we can get a little support from each other. Here's why you bother, 1) because you love her! I know I love my H. 2) Because you've built something together, a family, that deserves to be happy and I don't think you would be doing this if you didn't think it was possible. I believe we can too.

I can feel your pain, I'm going through it right now. My H tells me he loves the OW and not me, but then he'll show some slight inkling that he cares a little. This gives me the hope that he'll come out of it and realize that he wants our family just as much as I do.

As far as it being the woman you married, everyone changes. This change, not so good, but perhaps a better change can come for everyone??? Don't give up hope. . .

WMWB

I'm in the same situation as you - at times it feels hopeless and futile to continue. I am ever amzed about how selfish my WW has become.

But I keep looking back at the 8 years we've been together and think it's worth just hanging in there, for a while yet. I have a 5 year old daughter and you see the confusion on her face and it sucks - I know.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

Rant and Rave and Vent. It helps. I did.

You want the old wife back. Not what you are seeing now. The foggy one. At least that is what I keep telling myself. My current WW is not the wife I had before all this. I am trying my best to get the old wife back. Hoping that if the fog lifts the old wife will be there.

You can always file for devorce. Hang in there as long as you can. Do what I did and wrote a scathing 2 page letter telling her exactly what she has done to the family, myself, herself, our friends, our relatives our future. What a b***h she has been, how selfish, cruel individual.

Then DON'T give it to her but file it away where she can't find it.

Don't worry about being able to forgive her in the future. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Take care of yourself.

Oh man can I relate. I just found out that I'm going to get the divorce papers on Monday, the day that my WW is taking the kids on a trip to DisneyWorld, one that we had been planning and looking forward to for six months. And I'm paying for it! When she made me move out, she cancelled my ticket, for a lousy $100 refund. For a $3400 trip!!

I just can't believe she is so cruel. I guess she wants to just break me completely with this. Well, I started thinking about the divorce, and getting a house, and I started feeling really good about the whole thing. Made up a budget, and I'm not too freaked out.

This is all after a whole 1 month separation. She got the filing all together without telling me at all. I think maybe she has been planning this all out.

At this point, my brain tells me that I should try to make it all work out, but my heart says run away. Right now, my heart is winning.

Thanks guys for the response. It's nice to know that I'm not alone here. I've been doing this whole plan A & B thing for about 5 weeks now, 3wks. in plan A and about 2 wks. in plan B. They say plan B is supposed to help, but it is actually making me more resentful of her. I just feel like this game has gone on long enough. If she wanted to hurt me so that I could see what she was going thru, fine...mission accomplished. Now lets move on here. This just blows. For 3 years I've had the best, most caring and wonderful wife and mother to my kids I could have ever asked for. All of a sudden this fall she turns into this self centered, careless, cruel heartless b*tch. And, if it was only me involved, that would be one thing. But we have 2 little boys (4 and 2) who have had their mommy at home for them their whole lives. She has no idea what she is doing to them. Our 4 yo is starting to have major trust issues now. When I put him to bed at night he wants to make sure I'll be sleeping here. He wants to know why mommy has left us, and when she is coming back. It breaks my heart when I look into their eyes. They didn't ask for this, nor did they do anything to deserve this. Ok, so I have been a pretty rotten husband, take it out on me then. Why does she have to do this to them. I've been doing a lot better on the whole welling up with tears and crying thing whenever I think about her and the kids, but tonight I picked the kids up after work and couldn't help myself. The 4 yo was crying for Mommy to come home with us, I just couldn't handle it. I cried almost the whole way home. At one point I looked at my son, who was pretty intently studying my facial expressions, I just looked him in the eyes and without exchanging a word it was like we were on the same page. I'm just torn apart for my kids right now. How can she do this?

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know where you are coming from but have no answers for you. I do not know how some people can be so cruel.

Maybe the answer is "she has no idea what she is doing to them"

After reading here for the past month I believe there has to be a fog. What else would make a woman like your wife or mine change character so drastically. I told mine I wanted my wife back and ask her what she did with her.

Have faith that things will turn out better. Time will help heal if you can just make it.

GL - DD

Dear WMWB,

I am so sorry for your pain and devastation. Know EXACTLY how it feels, been there, done that.

However I feel that you should not be in a Plan B right now and that you should jump straight back into Plan A, even though it makes it harder now that you are seperated. Three weeks in Plan A is not long enough to show a consistent pattern of love, concern and care.

I know you might disagree with me, because you cannot handle the pain right now and your most natural reaction is to protect yourself, but please hear me out.

A strong, long, consistent Plan A, will really show your WW how much she means to you. For WH a good plan A around 3 months is recommended and for WW 6 months is recommended.

It is tough, it is hard, but once you get the hang of it, it seems alot easier than doing a Plan B. When you feel that you have done EVERYTHING to meet your WW needs, you have been SO KIND and SO CONSIDERATE and the WORLDS BEST LISTENER without any lovebusters or disrespectful judgements over a longer period of time, and you feel that you have done what you can, but you are 2 minutes away from having nothing left for your wife in terms of feelings - THEN it is time for Plan B. Plan B is to protect the last drop of love you have left for your wife and to protect yourself!

When do you know enough is enough, when right now enough feels like enough? You will, trust me. Try to follow the plan. You are hurting, no doubt about it. How long will the hurt continue? A very long time, no doubt about it. But there are no short cuts.

Get back into Plan A. Start doing the real work if you want to look back and say you did everything that could possibly be done!

I´m sorry if I seem harsh, I just know further down the road that it is better when you have done what you can. In my 1st seven year relationship, that ended because of infidelity I ran and did not stop and do the work. I regret it today.

Now in my marriage the same thing has happened, but I found MB, did a STRONG plan A, and am now in Plan B. If my WH snaps out of it, it worked, if he doesn´t then I have learnt a lot about myself on the way and I am more ready to let go now, because of the effort I have made. And it still hurts like hell and probably will continue that for a long time - but I at least I have done everything it took!

Take care!

queen

WMWB -
I wanted to respond to you because of your kids, for I was in the same situation. My WH did not fully realize the emotional damage he was doing to our son. It was the fog and denial and words from the OW (i.e. "IT") telling him NOT to come back home. "IT" laughed at me, when I told "it" the emotional trauma our son was going through <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and "it" works in the mental health care field down South. Talk about self centeredness - "it" is a demon!

We were separated for 3 months and it was pure hell that not only I was dealing with, but the hell our son was enduring. Many nights of our son crying "why did Daddy leave", crying til he vomited. I "journaled" everything and gave it to my H to read - I documented our sons words and actions everyday - eventually it hit home for my H. Now he sees and lives everyday what his actions, his stupid choices <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> he made, how our son suffered and what was purposely stripped from him (parental trust and family security).

the WS's eventually see what they are doing/did. Hang in there WMWB - your W is in strong denial and I can bet that the fog and denial is being inforced by the OM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yes it suxs big time, that "adults" can deliberatly and intentionally hurt their children. Even when the "fog lifts", the damage to the children is real and it takes a long time for the children to recover as well.

My prayers go out to you, your W and your children. I know its a difficult time for you and your children, but they need to know and feel that "you" are there for them and are not leaving. They will "question" you everyday. Their words and seeing their eyes and hurt will rip you apart. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Documenting everything did help for me and my H did read it. This, IMHO, really helped "lift the fog" along with praying everyday.

God Bless all of you, especially the children right now.

I don't want anyone to get me wrong here. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I love her more than anything on earth, have since the day we met. From the moment we made our first eye contact, I knew this woman was something special and that she would be a major part of my life. I want to do anything I can to get her back and rebuild our marriage.

But I'm just having a really hard time with this whole independance movement here. It doesn't seem to matter what this is doing to the kids, or me, or anyone around us. She is only taking herself into account. And then, I don't even think she is doing that very objectivly. I don't think she has any idea how this is going to devastate her in the years to come...no matter how this turns out between her and I. My mom had an A and divorced my dad when I was 16. She knows first hand what this will do to my W, but W won't listen.

I just keep telling myself that this isn't my wife, this isn't my wife, this ISN'T my wife. This woman is ill, she is a slave to the feeling of this addiction. She is incapable of thinking or acting rational. She isn't my wife. This just needs to run its course. I just hope I can hang on that long.

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I'm just having a really hard time with this whole independance movement here. It doesn't seem to matter what this is doing to the kids, or me, or anyone around us. She is only taking herself into account. And then, I don't even think she is doing that very objectivly. I don't think she has any idea how this is going to devastate her in the years to come...no matter how this turns out between her and I. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WMWB - Your wife doesn't know what is happening or what the long term effects may be. She is reacting as a typical WS does, with rationalizations and justifications that "comfort" her with the idea that what she is doing is right for "her." Self interest, Selfishness, and Denial are huge parts of all affairs and Wayward Spouses "reasoning" while they are trapped in the fog. Just like in a real fogbank, you can't see those around you. Your whole "world" is just you and the few inches or few feet you can manage to dimly to in front of your face.

Not until the fog begins to lift can you see that there really is more to life than just your distorted limited vision.

This is the really hard part. There is just about nothing YOU can do for her. During this time you have to work on whatever changes within yourself you think may need changing or that contibuted to an "atmosphere" that had her vulnerable to an affair. You have to concentrate on the children and not cause them further pain by saying anything bad about their "Mom", even if you are "dying inside." You need to be planning to be there for them as a single Dad, permanently, if that is what is needed to protect them. You know, as well as the rest of us, that we cannot control everything in our lives. You've been dealt a very tough blow, but you must do all that you can for the children. If you have Christ in your life, then turn over your wife to God and let Him work on her.

WMWB, it hurts, I know. I also know it's not much comfort, but a couple of months is NOT much time. The idea of Plan B is to protect your Love Bank from further withdrawals by keeping her out of your life for now. It is also to let her have a "taste" of life as she perceives it...without you and the children. I'm just guessing, but it is possible that she began to feel depressed and "trapped" with the children. She may have felt that she was "losing herself" and began to gain some "identity" for herself by talking with someone other than you. That is often how things get started. Then the fog closes in an they lose their way. The fantasy seems great and all the focus of the OP is on meeting their needs, without any commitments or day-to-day dreariness.

Plan B bursts that bubble. It lets all of reality descend on them. But that is all that you can really do anyway. As long as the fog enshrouds, nothing you do will register with them. They have to travel the path until they hit the brick wall of reality and realize that the fog is hiding reality.

Hang in there. It IS tough. It DOES hurt. Be patient, it will often take a lot of time.

God bless.

ForeverHers:

Wow, you hit the nail on the head there. She has said those things, about losing herself and being trapped, to me from time to time almost ver batim. I know that is a large part of what made this possible. There are other factors of course, but I think that was a big one. Thanks for the insight. Sometimes you just need to be told things from a third person to see it for what it is. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I love her more than anything on earth, have since the day we met. From the moment we made our first eye contact, I knew this woman was something special and that she would be a major part of my life. I want to do anything I can to get her back and rebuild our marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've answered your own thread question.

TMCM-

I know, I've been thinking of your post for 2 days now. You are right.

However, I don't know if I can handle this for much longer. Toady (Sunday) she is over at OM's house, has been all day. The kids and I ran an errand around noon, she was there along with some other people (I'm assuming for a football party). Well, it's almost 5:30 and she is still there. She hasn't bothered to come down and say hi to the kids or anything. Our son recognized her car, he knew it was her. He has been heartbroken all day. He wants his mommy. I miss her so much, I just want her back but this seems so hopeless.

I can't help but start to cry when I look at my kids, or when I see her car at this guys house. One of the other nieghbors told me he made her dinner the other night. She was there for about 5 and a half hours. I can't take this anymore. I knowthis isn't her, but it hrts so much that she could do this to us. We took vows, we loved each other, we had a commitment to our kids. How can she do this?

I have read SAA a coupel of times, for the most part, we are exactly like the example given of Jon and Sue. The problem is that Sue started to feel guilty and got depressed. That ruined the A and brought her back to Jon. I don't see my W getting upset at all by this. My son cries for her to come home every time I pick them up. He askes her tough questions on the phone every noght when he talks to her. None of this seems to phase her one bit. She has become so cold and calous that I don't know how this will ever end. She has it in her head that this is best for her and because it will make her happy, the kids will benefit from her being a happier Mom to them. I know that is fog talk, it makes no sense otherwise. But I have a hard time wondering what will ever bring her out of that fog. It all seems so hopeless.

I don't have kids but my W is in a fog trying to find herself. She is having an emotional affair with the OM who is married and has kids. (His wife knows now and is getting emotionally stompped by her.) She says that he makes her feel good. I thinks it is an addiction for both of them. I have been trying to fight this with logic for about a year and found that there is no logic being used by my W. If I would have found MB sooner I may not be separated now. At this point I am trying to show her that I care and can do it without being judgemental. I know it hurts, I left my kids from a previous M. You need to do whatever it takes to get her back for your kids.

Dear WMWB:

It sounds to me that you have a choice here.

Either you can drive yourself crazy over how your W's actions and how it affects your children knowing that she is so near and yet so far.

Or, you can be the centre of your children's world.

I know that you want to protect them. They may be small but they are not blind or stupid as to what is going on. It hurts more than anything imaginable. This will affect them now and in their later lives. But I believe you can control the extent of that affect by what you show them. To minimize the damage, you need to remember this is not your wife. You've said so yourself. Your wife, in a way, is sick. Still Seeking said that to me once about my H. Maybe if you can explain to your children that Mommy is sick and hope that she will get better soon. When she is, she can come home again. Then be the best dad you can be. They need you. They depend on you. Your wife is not around--you are. When all is said and done no matter how this turns out, they will know and remember that you were there for them when they needed it most. And they will love you for it. You have the opportunity to have the relationship with your children that you want. Take it. I know it's not the way you want it. But it will make the best out of a bad situation and create a warm, nurturing environment that is so important in their early years. The worst thing that can happened for them is to lose 2 parents (emotionally) instead of one. And maybe, just maybe, when the fog lifts, they will have 2 parents again. Don't wait for your W. Do it now.

I totally agree with SAB's comment. Your children need you now more than ever, and by concentrating on helping them cope with the absence of their mother, you are also helping yourself as well.

Well, we had a bit of a domestic disturbance this morning. The W spent the night over at OM's house last night. This morning she came over to get the kids. I told her that I didn't want her at the house. I got the kids up and dressed. She was getting ready to leave when she went over to the fridge and grabbed a coke. Now, I know this sounds rather petty, but it pissed me off. She isn't respecting any boundaries. She thiks plan B is a joke. So, I told her to put the pop back. She said no, so I took it out of her purse and put it back myself. She took it out again and I grabbed it from her, she hit me in the back. Then she took the pop again and opened it. I took it and emptied it in the sink. She wound up and slapped me across the face saying that she hated me. I called the police. The cop that showed up took down all the necessary info and told me that there wasn't enogh evidence to haul her in for battery. I told him that I didn't want to press charges, I just wanted a report filed. He said that was not a problem and proceeded to tell me how it would read. She was angry and left, I told her I'd pick up the kids afteer work on Tuesday (as was our plan). She said something under her breath, I think it was "don't count on it", but I'm not entirly sure.

I know this is stupid. I hate this. Things just seem to be getting worse and worse. I want to do a good plan B, but she won't respect any boundaries. She is flaunting the A in my face. I asked her my she was spending the night with him and screwing up her M, she said there was no marriage anymore. I don't know how to handle this. I know I shouldn't allow myself to be affected by her comments, good or bad. But she seems so sure that this is over, there is no way she will ever come back.

What do I do here?

Did the kids witness this?

Just a thought...If she has to come over to pick up the kids, can you meet her outside? That way she has no reason to come in.