My SO had an EA with a co-worker. He assures me it ended the moment I "found out". He loves me, wants to work together to repair/rebuild our relationship. Now reads this website with me. We discussed him finding another job. Change of plan. He was offered a new position at work, it is wonderful for him. He has worked very hard. He will not be leaving. I now have this overwhelming desire to see this person. Bad idea? PLEASE, PLEASE I NEED YOUR INPUT.....

I would advise against "SEEING" this person...yes. Emotions run far too high in face to face situations. On the other hand....I have no problem at all with your confronting this other person by phone or email. You say it is over....did he write a no contact letter? Did you see it? That is the first step chere.

I have to tell you that "seeing" the other person is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. My circumstances were a little different because I only suspected that something was going on between them but my husband was still denying everything at that point. It was a company dinner and he had been accused by his boss and coworkers of having an affair with this person. I said,"No way, I know this man and I know his heart and soul. I know he would never do that to me." Well the laugh was on me!! He asked me to go to this dinner and to be extra friendly to this person so that all of his coworkers would see that I had no problem with her.

So I went. I not only chatted with her, I sat next to her (with my husband on the other side of me). I wanted everyone to see that I was strong and that our marriage was great. Well through the course of the dinner, it became clear to me that the two of them were much "closer" than he has let on. They leaned in front of me or behind me to exchange their little inside jokes. At one point she got up to go to the bathroom and stopped behind him, leaned over him, and teased him about needing a doggie bag and taking the left overs home to our dog. I maintained myself through dinner and cried my eyes out when I got in the car.

Unfortunately that wasn't the bottom for me. He convinced me, that there was nothing between them but friendship and that I was the one in the wrong. I really believed that it was my weakness, that I was just insecure.

But now that I know everything it makes me sick to think that I was kind to her. That I sat next to her. The night I found out all the details I called her. The only things I said to her were, "I hope you can live with yourself knowing that you have destroyed a two year old little boys life and I hope you can live knowing that you destroyed a family. And I hope it happens to you one day." And do you know that she has still called him since them!!! So my advice to you is not to torture yourself by "seeing" her. And if you call her or email her just make sure that you can live with what you say. I feel very regretful for saying that I hope it happens to her. That is not something I would wish on anyone and I regret saying it.

Anyway, I just found out myself only a few weeks ago, but I felt strongly about this. I hope my thoughts help you some. PRAY

They don't care and the only thing it does is make you feel like an idiot. OW was our employee, our children's babysitter and I thought my friend. The only thing that you will feel is out of control, that you let yourself get out of control. I asked her to her face why she did this to me, I asked her how she felt destroying 3 childrens lives. It didn't mean much to him and less to her. They ignore it and go on, because if they acknowledged it they would actually feel guilty.

This is the situation. Mr "it was only talking" in conversation last night admitted to interoffice emails (which he prev denied) I told him we are unable to repair/build our relationship until he comes out of denial (contines to say it/she was nothing)(also says his turning off his cell phone for the past two mo's had nothing to do with her, Leaves it on all the time now) realizes it was wrong and VERY painful for me. I told him I was getting up in the morning and goin to see her before work. I couldn't guarantee I would not confront her (knowing she would prob say HE CALLED ME) I told him,"Do you think you are the only one who is allowed to make a fool of me at your work, if you can so can I" I need to see the person who took part in the pain. This morning I got up very early. A few minutes later he told me he wanted to talk. He admitted FINALLY to have an EA. He also admitted to sharing (brought in)lunch with her an some of the other workers (just once) I told him he has had six weeks to be honest, swore up and down there was nothing more. Needless to say we talked too long for me to go. I told him I know there is more, I feel it. While at work a short time ago he called an confessed his love (I REALLY NEED TO HEAR THIS NOW WITH ALL MY HEART) He also told me there is more.....I told him the only reason he is doing this is because I was going to see (literally) her and he said yes. So, I am leaving work to meet him.....I am soooo sick inside I have no words. I just know I have promised myself not to do anything rash...

Believe, I hope you update us on what happened. I'd be interested to know.

I don't have any advice in this situation, i can only say that I too have pondered this subject. I have often thought about what I would say if I had the opportunity.

My biggest issue is this...I know where OW works, I know what she drives, her name, where she lives, etc.....BUT I HAVEN'T A CLUE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!!!!

*argh*

I swear it's driving me crazy. I honestly think I could get past this if I could just know that much.

Is that crazy??

LOJAY this is in response to your need to see the person. My husband had a relationship with someone that works next door to his shop. Eventhough we are on the road to rebuilding our marriage, and things are better than ever before, I still have the need to see this woman. I was so glad to read your response, because I thought that what I was feeling was silly. I feel like a person in a battle that doesn't know what their enemy looks like. I don't know if it will make me or break me, but I want to look her in the eyes. I just want to see her, and for her to see me. I tried to see her last week when I went to my husbands shop but she would not come out of her store, and I was not brave enough to go in. My husband supported my need to see her, and he was there with me. I think that she might have thought that I was there to fight her or something, but I am a Christian and that is not my intentions at all. In my head I have her as this beautiful woman with the perfect body, and I just need to put my imagination to rest. I would rather plan to see her, than see her out at a restaurant or something. If I do see her I will let you know how it went for me.

One year ago today, (H's birthday), H went to his mom's house for family gathering. ALL BY HIMSELF. I was not invited. Co-worker OW was. But she declined to attend. She was at my kitchen table talking to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Previously, we had talked on the phone. Several times over about a 2 week period.

About mid-September, I knew something was NOT RIGHT. He admitted to being "interested" in someone else, but no more. I knew instantly it was work-related.

He bought her jewelry that he (we <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) could not afford for her B-day, Oct 4. Yeah, part of their "soul-connection" was October birthdays. Yuk! I was still in the dark.

Just a couple or few days later, she called me out-of-the-blue. Shock and devastation. Her reason for calling was that she wondered if I would answer some ??? for her, as he had told her lots of things that weren't adding up. So she came to the only other person who had direct knowledge of the situation. Me.

I would not recommend this to anyone. I hadn't found this site yet, and was winging it. OMG!!

He was lying to me. He was lying to her. We were both being hurt by this. She and I decided that we would communicate w/ each other, so neither one of us would be played and strung along any further. And we both called him on every lie thereafter. Hoo Boy was he ticked!! No cake for you buddy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The powwow on his b-day was all three of us, clearing the air. Let him try to lie to both of us at the same time! He was not pleased. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Having close personal observation/stirring the pot priveleges definitely increased my pain. But I will also say that the contact between her and I ended the A much, much sooner. He was at some point wishing/hoping/dropping hints... his solution was that we three all live together and he could have both of us!! His fog was THICK!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He dumped her by phone, in front of me, on Oct 27. I called her, made sure it was her, and handed him the phone.

She eventually apologized to me. Big, hairy deal.

My take was on the whole sordid episode...hey,in the beginning, he was lying to her, too. I don't fault her for simply believing him.

What I do take exception to, is the fact that she continued to see him after she and I talked the first time, and she definitely knew that he was lying. A person with any scruples would have run like hell immediately. Do not pass GO! Do not collect $200! Period. That choice caused added and continued pain for both her and I, and I'll go to my grave knowing that mine was way worse than hers could ever have been. She'll go to her grave knowing that, too.

I told her that I was sorry that she had been hurt, but she walked into it further than she needed to, with the added benefit of having both of her eyes wide open. I had no such choice. She had gotten a measure of honesty (although small)from him that he never had the common courtesy to give to me at all. She knew what he was about, what he wanted, and had the facts right then and there. I was blind-sided, and still don't know all of the things I'd like to know....

Too bad, so sad, but she got off easy, IMHO.

She said,"I give up, I'm done, I'm sending him home to you. You win."

My parting sentiment....

Only time and tears will eventually show which one of us the real winner is....

Sadly, today, on confrontation anniversary, I think it is her.

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>