I BS 5 days ago calmly asked WH to leave. I am a homemaker with no family in the state where I live otherwise I would have been the one to leave. I would like no contact with WH during plan B but we have a son and I don't want to punish my son for what my husband has done. WH has been at his parents for 2 nights now...but comes here to see our son every night after work.

We tried plan A for 3+ months and although we had plenty of ups and downs, WH never maintained no contact with OW. No honesty etc. He has read Harley's books with me etc and had made many claims that he was trying his best.

I however, finally had enough of him having his cake and eating it too so I asked him to leave until he could commit. Letting him know I still loved him and wanted to work on our marriage but that I could no longer handle the stress.

I recently found out we are pregnant again. I was trying after just finding out about the A to meet all his needs, sexual fulfillment being one of them and now we have another baby on the way.

Last night during a phone call with WH, he admitted for the first time that despite what he was saying he knew in his heart he was not putting any effort into recovery. It was nice to hear him admit. He followed up by saying that he didn't think he could give the effort needed to make our marriage work. Not sure if he means right now or ever. I am sad and feel lonely.

I may have to face the reality of raising 2 children alone. It scares me despite how strong I know I am.

I am fearful we will not make it back to each other. He doesn't want counseling right now though I have tried to get him to go for months. And I know he will be talking to OW more than ever now. I can only pray his A dies a natural death and he finds his way back to me. I am not sure what else can be done.

At this point I would welcome any advice or encouraging words any of you can offer.

Thanks for your patience with this long post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night during a phone call with WH, he admitted for the first time that despite what he was saying he knew in his heart he was not putting any effort into recovery. It was nice to hear him admit. He followed up by saying that he didn't think he could give the effort needed to make our marriage work. Not sure if he means right now or ever. I am sad and feel lonely.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bhampton - Congratulations on taking a much needed stand! I know it's tough. Separation is full of uncertainty and your mind starts playing "what if" mind games with you immediately and continues until you begin to see some positive changes in your spouse.

With respect to the above quote, and the highlighted sections, a few comments. First, this simply more fog talk. Second, the separation will begin to break up that fog. It seems obvious that your husband has love and concern for his child, but he will now be faced with being a "temporary Dad" and that will be one more thing that causes him to start thinking about the consequences of his CHOICES.

Speaking of Choices, let's spend a minute on the highlighted sections of the quote. It is very good and honest, even if it's not what you wanted to hear, that he admits to himself and to you that he has NOT been doing what he knows he should be doing to further recovery. The "fog talk" comes from the second highlighted part and is very typical of WS's. They don't have the "romantic feelings", they are torn inside, they don't know if they can do what is needed, they are dealing with guilt, etc.. The bottom line is not that they "can't", it's that they are weak and won't TRY. There are no guarantees in life, we all know that. But one thing is certain, if you don't TRY, the outcome will be self-fulfilling.

In love, none of us has the "in love" feelings first. It doesn't work that way. First you "like" someone, then you begin to try to behave in "loving ways". "As you DO, so you ARE" begins to be the truth. The other person responds to your "acts of love" and after a while you find that the emotional feelings "catch up" or sneak up on you. After an affair, the other component is working through the issues, making the personal changes that we each need to make to make ourselves a "better and more loveable" person.

A word of caution here is also in order. Don't expect this to be a quick occurrence. It takes time. Remember that the average recovery time is 2 years. So take it one day at a time and expect the road to have ups and downs.

Hang in there. While the separation is tough on you, it is the beginning of a "reality check" for your husband. As the fog begins to clear, he will begin to evaluate his choices and the impact that it has on you, the family, and on HIS future. At your ages, the future is a long time, so he can easily begin to see all the things that he is likely to miss out on. The baseball games, the "growing up" experiences of the children, etc.

God bless and be patient through all the pain and uncertainty. If you have Christ in your life, then turn to Philippians 4:13 for strength each day.

Sorry didn't see this until right now. Can I reply tomorrow?

C

Foreverhers thanks for the advice. Cerri everyone on her seems to come to you to ask for advice so I thought it was woth a try I look forward to your response and to the replies of anyone else who may have something to offer.

Thanks

Hey there.... sorry, have been out of the office for some family things the last couple of weeks and it really cuts into the day!!

To save some time for me and get some answers for you sooner I'm going to give you some things to read and then we'll talk, ok?

Well.... we'll talk a little anyway, I seem to be not able to resist rambling.


I BS 5 days ago calmly asked WH to leave. I am a homemaker with no family in the state where I live otherwise I would have been the one to leave.

Generally I don't have a problem with asking a BS who is the H to leave. I have different feelings when it's the wife. So this is fine.

Give me a little background too....

Married how long?
First marriage for both?
When did the A start?
What kinds of PlA things did you do?
Who have you told?
Have you confronted the affair partner?
Have you talked to her H if she is married?

Go to my site and read the March and April 2003 newsletters devoted entirely to infidelity.

March 2003

April 2003

Let me know if the links don't work and I'll get you there the long way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would like no contact with WH during plan B but we have a son and I don't want to punish my son for what my husband has done. WH has been at his parents for 2 nights now...but comes here to see our son every night after work.

Alright, here's the thing. You cannot be in PlB and have contact. Go to my thread here and read what I wrote about a good PlB. The post is titled exactly that.

We tried plan A for 3+ months and although we had plenty of ups and downs, WH never maintained no contact with OW. No honesty etc. He has read Harley's books with me etc and had made many claims that he was trying his best.

Until the A is over and there is no contact there is nothing you can do to repair or restore your marriage. Can't be done. Marriage doesn't work as a threesome. So until the A ends you can have peace and calm during PlA but you can't fix your marriage.

PlA is a strategy to end the affair not to fix your marriage. The plan for that is much more difficult. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I however, finally had enough of him having his cake and eating it too so I asked him to leave until he could commit. Letting him know I still loved him and wanted to work on our marriage but that I could no longer handle the stress.

Did you do a PBL? And you absolutely must find an intermediary for when he visits your son. And BTW, you are NOT punishing your child by not allowing the WS to have free access to your home. You are protecting you and doing what needs to be done to protect your family. Your child's long term success, health and well being depend on keeping your marriage together.

I recently found out we are pregnant again. I was trying after just finding out about the A to meet all his needs, sexual fulfillment being one of them and now we have another baby on the way.

The only ettiquetely correct response to that is... Congratulations!!

But now that we have that out of the way... how are you feeling? How are you handling all this? Does your H know? What has he said?

Last night during a phone call with WH, he admitted for the first time that despite what he was saying he knew in his heart he was not putting any effort into recovery. It was nice to hear him admit. He followed up by saying that he didn't think he could give the effort needed to make our marriage work. Not sure if he means right now or ever. I am sad and feel lonely.

Ok, you need to get into PlB for real!! Talking on the phone is not PlB!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I may have to face the reality of raising 2 children alone. It scares me despite how strong I know I am.

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it and put our efforts in doing whatever we can to save your marriage. And believe me, this is not going to be easy or feel right. Much of it feels just plain wrong.

I am fearful we will not make it back to each other. He doesn't want counseling right now though I have tried to get him to go for months. And I know he will be talking to OW more than ever now. I can only pray his A dies a natural death and he finds his way back to me. I am not sure what else can be done.

Where is he living? I'd be tickled if he would be with her. That brings the fantasy of the A to a screeching halt. But there are things we need to make sure you do. So be sure to answer my questions above, it's the info I need the most from you.

At this point I would welcome any advice or encouraging words any of you can offer.


Would you be ok with really scary homework that feels like all the wrong things to do??? Cool, then we're in business. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

C

Bhampton-

I'm sorry you are going thru this, especially with the stress of being pregnant. You've come to the right place. Cerri is awesome, she has helped me a ton. Listen to her and do what she says, I honestly think it will give you the best shot at getting this turned around. Hang in there, be strong, and take care of your self. You can do this.

Good Luck!

Hello bhampton. I'm gonna ditto what WMWB said, you're in great hands with Cerri. She helped me immensely, and still does btw. I'm like a Florida **** -roach, I just won't go away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Except I'm cuter than a **** -roach, though not by much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Just one question I'm curiouse about..You said...

WH has been at his parents for 2 nights now...

Do his parents know about the A? Does anyone know?

MTD

BTW..sorry but I'm gonna threadjack real quick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
Cerri-taking your advice and she seems responsive. We've arranged to have a quiet talk tonight about "stuff" when she gets home from work. Like I said, I'm probably just paranoid and looking to deeply into things. Ok, sorry for the threakjacking B. Good luck!

Hey there.... sorry, have been out of the office for some family things the last couple of weeks and it really cuts into the day!!

To save some time for me and get some answers for you sooner I'm going to give you some things to read and then we'll talk, ok?

Well.... we'll talk a little anyway, I seem to be not able to resist rambling.


I BS 5 days ago calmly asked WH to leave. I am a homemaker with no family in the state where I live otherwise I would have been the one to leave.

Generally I don't have a problem with asking a BS who is the H to leave. I have different feelings when it's the wife. So this is fine.

Give me a little background too....

Married how long?
First marriage for both? Yes
When did the A start? Over a year and half ago. There has been more than one, this current one he claims no physical contact, but phone and internet sex and plenty of none sex related contact via email and phone. Not sure if this is a EA or PA for him. The other PA I know about was in Nov last year when I was out of town with our son. He met woman online and then went over to have a night of passionate sex with her. But claims he never talked to her again.

What kinds of PlA things did you do? EN questionnaire, Meeting EN, NC letter, avid LB but not too much else

Who have you told? My whole family has know from the start, my friends too. Now families on both sides know and some of his friends.

Have you confronted the affair partner? Yes, she said she would back off but my H gave post NC emails from her to me where she stated she would do whatever he wanted (sneak) to maintain their relationship. She is in PA we are in GA.

Have you talked to her H if she is married? Not married. I have told a few members of her household who answered the phone. But no contact recently.

Go to my site and read the March and April 2003 newsletters devoted entirely to infidelity.

March 2003

April 2003

Let me know if the links don't work and I'll get you there the long way.

I would like no contact with WH during plan B but we have a son and I don't want to punish my son for what my husband has done. WH has been at his parents for 2 nights now...but comes here to see our son every night after work.

Alright, here's the thing. You cannot be in PlB and have contact. Go to my thread here and read what I wrote about a good PlB. The post is titled exactly that.

We tried plan A for 3+ months and although we had plenty of ups and downs, WH never maintained no contact with OW. No honesty etc. He has read Harley's books with me etc and had made many claims that he was trying his best.

Until the A is over and there is no contact there is nothing you can do to repair or restore your marriage. Can't be done. Marriage doesn't work as a threesome. So until the A ends you can have peace and calm during PlA but you can't fix your marriage.

PlA is a strategy to end the affair not to fix your marriage. The plan for that is much more difficult.

In which case I don’t think that we tried hard enough in plan A, Maybe I didn’t wait long enough. I gave up a month and a half into Plan A on meeting his EN because I was so hurt.

I however, finally had enough of him having his cake and eating it too so I asked him to leave until he could commit. Letting him know I still loved him and wanted to work on our marriage but that I could no longer handle the stress.

Did you do a PBL? And you absolutely must find an intermediary for when he visits your son. And BTW, you are NOT punishing your child by not allowing the WS to have free access to your home. You are protecting you and doing what needs to be done to protect your family. Your child's long term success, health and well being depend on keeping your marriage together.

No PBL. We have no family or friends here in GA. So that has been my problem. I am from Western Canada and have no one here to help out as an intermediary.

I recently found out we are pregnant again. I was trying after just finding out about the A to meet all his needs, sexual fulfillment being one of them and now we have another baby on the way.

The only ettiquetely correct response to that is... Congratulations!!

But now that we have that out of the way... how are you feeling? How are you handling all this? Does your H know? What has he said?

I am coping. Yes my H knows. He was supportive at first, then suggested abortion due to the condition of our marriage, I refused and now he seems supportive again.

Last night during a phone call with WH, he admitted for the first time that despite what he was saying he knew in his heart he was not putting any effort into recovery. It was nice to hear him admit. He followed up by saying that he didn't think he could give the effort needed to make our marriage work. Not sure if he means right now or ever. I am sad and feel lonely.

Ok, you need to get into PlB for real!! Talking on the phone is not PlB!!

I know I should have established no contact. But I can’t yet. Again, I think maybe Plan B came too soon for us out of my frustration with him and his state of FOG.

I may have to face the reality of raising 2 children alone. It scares me despite how strong I know I am.

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it and put our efforts in doing whatever we can to save your marriage. And believe me, this is not going to be easy or feel right. Much of it feels just plain wrong.

I am fearful we will not make it back to each other. He doesn't want counseling right now though I have tried to get him to go for months. And I know he will be talking to OW more than ever now. I can only pray his A dies a natural death and he finds his way back to me. I am not sure what else can be done.

Where is he living? I'd be tickled if he would be with her. That brings the fantasy of the A to a screeching halt. But there are things we need to make sure you do. So be sure to answer my questions above, it's the info I need the most from you.

He was at his mother’s for a while and then rented a hotel for a week. Because I am a stay at home mom and have no income I am fearful of how long this arrangement can be maintained before it becomes financially impossible.

At this point I would welcome any advice or encouraging words any of you can offer.


Would you be ok with really scary homework that feels like all the wrong things to do??? Cool, then we're in business.
C.

I am ok with any advice. To be honest I am really want him to come home asap. I have my morning sickness and cramps at night and getting my toddler in the bath and into bed is very hard on me. It would help if he were here but I am not sure what the best course of action is at this point. I am willing to try anything.

Thanks, Bobbi

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: bhampton ]</small>

Sorry about the length and poor formatting of the last post. I had it nicely laid out in Word and tried to cut and past it over with my responses in a diff colour but as you can see it didn't quite work out.

Thansk for your patience.

Bhampton,

Just wanted to say Congrats on the pregnancy! I know the timing is awful for you but there are no "mistakes" when it comes to children.

Ecclesiastes 3
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks Eduard

And I agree with you 100%

Cerri I read the materials you suggested and have answered you questions. Any advice?

Hey Bhampton, how are you doing?

Cerri will be out, or at least rarely around for the next week or two. She has some pressing family stuff going on, so don't worry if she doesn't respond too quickly. In the meantime, feel free to ask others around here for help. I've found that MikeC2 and Star*fish are very good to talk to. Also Hope4Future has been pretty informative and helpful to me as well. Also, this board is pretty slow on the weekends as it is. So, be patient and hang tight. Trust me I know that doing that is easier said than done. Especially at odd hours of the weekend when you are pulling your hair out wondring what to do with yourself. I've had a few of those nights myself.

How is the pregnancy going? How far along are you? Ok, I know, small talk isn't why you are here. I was just curious. Cerri will respond to you, trust me, you just caught her at a bad time. Take care of your self.

Good Luck!

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

WMWB I am 11 weeks along. So far things are going well. I had to tell my Doctor about what was going on home. He said he would monitor me more closely to make sure the stress was not effecting the baby.

I will patiently wait for Cerri to respond. My husband has come back home because I have no one else to help me with our son at night when I am usually pretty ill with morning sickness etc.

I know he is still calling OW and she has called his call late at night since he has been home. But I have given up on checking on him for the moment until I feel strong enough to deal with the results of my searches.

I hope things are going well with you.

talk to you soon.

Bobbi

Bobbi

Things are going fine over here, as well as can be expected anyway. 11 weeks puts you almost at the end of your first tri-mester then, right? My kids are 4 and 2-1/2, so it has been awhile since I've delt with pregnancy. Well, I happy for you that things are going good as far as the pregnancy is concerned. I kinda miss the whole experience. Of course, I had the easy part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . My W and I decided after our second kid that 2 was enough, but I think we both sort of go back and forth on that from time to time.

I glad to hear that your H is home to help take care of you and your toddler. I think, and I'm no expert, that if he is there you should be doing your best plan A. All contact should be calm, meet EN's, no LB's...you know the drill. Maybe the whole "stepping up for the family" will do something to jolt him from the fog...who knows. I'm trying to do a good plan B myself, and failing at it from about all aspects. This whole infedelity things REALLY sucks!!! Hang in there and take care of yourself. I'll be thinking about you.

Good Luck!

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband has come back home because I have no one else to help me with our son at night when I am usually pretty ill with morning sickness etc.

I know he is still calling OW and she has called his call late at night since he has been home. But I have given up on checking on him for the moment until I feel strong enough to deal with the results of my searches. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what is happening on the Counseling front? You indicated in another thread that he had agreed to counseling, but now he's home and still carrying on the affair with the OW. Yes, I'm sure that it's nice to have him help out with the child, but at what cost?

I'm a tad confused. Which is it? Counseling to save the marriage or a continuing adulterous affair, which does he want?

If you can endure all this then Plan A is the only way to go, but as long as he is involved with the OW, don't expect to be able to deposit any units in his Love Bank. The goal of Plan A is to get the affair to end and you will have to steel yourself to sticking to Plan A regardless of how insulting or insensitive his current behavior seems.

God bless.

We have not yet begun counseling. We are still searching for a counselor in our area with the approach I am looking for. He claims there is no contact since he has been back home. I hesitate to beleive that, however I did intercept a voicemail message from OW that indicated she had no idea he was back at home. He has been home since last Thursday.

I appreciate your concern and no I am not willing to tolerate an ongoing affair. But right now my pregnancy symptoms are unbareable at night and I have no one here in Atlanta to help me out. My family lives in Western Canada, so it is nice to have him home.

He agreed to counseling because he said he wants to save the marriage. I am not sure if it can be saved. But I am willing to try.

I will keep you all posted on how things are going. But so far we got through he weekend drama free. And as I have learned this is a one day at a time process.

Bobbi

What makes you say that you don't know if the M can survive? If your H is saying he wantss to save the M, that is a good sign, I think. I'd strike while the iron is hot, get with the Harley's ASAP!

If he goes back to the OM and you find yourself in a plan B, would you consider moving back to Canada? That way you'd be with family and what better way to do "no contact" than to separate by about 2000 miles...!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just something to be thinking about.

Take care of yourself through all of this. Your kids (yeah, both of them) need you to be healthy right now. I know you don't want to make any demands or do anything that your H may get angry and leave over, but maybe you could let him know that you are thinking of going back to Canada for awhile. That would get him thinking wouldn't it.

He agreed to counseling because he said he wants to save the marriage. I am not sure if it can be saved. But I am willing to try.

Are you sure this is not your pregnancy hormones running amok? Having gone through it myself 4 times, I know how wacky I can become. Hormones can definitely skew your judgement. You are having his baby after all. He wants to work on the M? Great. Plan A for all you're worth. BTW, I'm in Ontario which may be closer to you than the West. If you need anything, let me know.

SAB,

My pregnancy hormones could very well be running amok. We are back to plan A and doing ok I guess. There has been no contact for a week on WH's part anyway. OW has called him but has not gotten through. We are working on NC letter #2 now and will be sent tonight.

I have entertained and mentioned the idea of going back to Vancouver, Canada with my family. My WH interpreted it as a threat to custody of our toddler. I did go for 3 weeks a few months back to clear my head and came home renewed and ready to fight for my marriage only to find out he was back in contact with OW.

We will keep on trying thanks for the support.

Bobbi