Alright, let me see if I have this right, he agreed to n/c and sent the letter and he is back home?


There are other conditions to recovery, complete radical openess and honesty about every aspect of both your lives, including how you feel about the things each other does and the lifestyle you have.

Protection - elimination of LBers.

Care - meeting needs

Time - MINIMUM 15 hours per week giving each other your undivided attention (no kids, no family, no friends) and meeting the needs of RC, Aff, Conv and SF.

Also, I am very concerned about his past hx and the fact that this was a cybersex relationship. Any other hx of sexual acting out, particularly online? Porn use? Strippers? Prostitutes?

Now, if he is home and agreeing to work on the marriage, PLAN A IS NOT FOR YOU.

Plan A is a strategy to end an affair. It doesn't apply afterwards. Now you need a solid plan for recovery and that includes very rigid conditions, prior to agreeing to those he shouldn't come home.

If he is home, we can't change that, but we need to work very hard to implement them.

Fill me in, I'll be here as I can.

Hugs,
C

Oh and - there needs to be extraordinary precautions that address how the A started in the first place and that let it continue. So things like internet use and privacy of pwords to email and vmail need to go by the wayside.

She should be blocked from all email accounts and phone numbers should be changed. Yeah, I know, it's a hassle. Divorce is a worse one.

C

Thanks Cerri,

We are working on our recovery plan. We are searching for counselors and the passwords to email etc have been handed over to me. I would love to restrict all access to the internet altogether. However my husband is a computer programmer and uses the internet regularly at work for job purposes. I had all his passwords once and he simply created new accounts. I am not sure how to combat this. But I want to try.

I wanted him home to help me because I have been very ill in the evenings with "morning sickness" etc. I do know however that he should not have come home as soon as he did. But I feel I had no alternative.

I want our relationship to get better. I want to over come this. I pray we can. I will keep you posted.

Thanks for all your help.

BH

Bobbi,

There is no perfect answer and no perfect way to work on this. All of the advice you get is from those that have done it their way and now know what has or hasn't worked.

You have been given some great guidelines here and now you can apply them. Don't beat yourself up for what you didn't do or should have done.

He's home now. Listen to what Cerri said and get the Recovery plan in action. Eliminating the possibility of this occuring again is what I called our Prevention plan. Giving you the passwords was a great start.

You are doing great! Be good to yourself and to those babies! Talk to you soon! Chele

I want to thanks each of you for your input. MB has helped me tremendously.....in all honesty had I not found it I may have left him when I first found out.

But I am in this for the long haul. I know that we can make it. We are working on a recovery plan and trying to get through each day without LB's. So far so good. I will keep everyone posted.

BH

I woke up in the middle of the night tonight to find that my husband was on the pc reading porn stories, watching porn on digital cable, and IM'ing women on the computer. Although he swears no contact with OW he is still doing all this stuff.

When I tried to talk to him about it he said it was because our sex life was non existent. He continues to tell me that he did not want me to say that my hurt feelings due to his actions in the past or recently was no excuse to not have sex. I have no idea what to do.

I am sad and hurt and feel like I am loosing him still.

Please help.

Bobbi,

I am so sorry to hear this! I was wondering about you all weekend. I had a bad feeling that this was going to happen because I think he has much of the same issues as my FWH.

Read the post that I sent to Cerri on SA advice. Also, get books that are specifically related to SA. Don't Call It Love. Author - Carnes. Cerri gave some website links in my post.

Hang in there sweetie! I'm so sorry for your pain. ((((bobbi))))

I want to thank everyone who has offered me advice and comfort here on MB. My husband told me yesterday morning after a week filled with affection and no LB's .....less the internet stuff on Saturday night, that he wanted to leave me. Not for the OW but just because he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He changed his tune later in the day but I can't live like this anymore. So I am going to return to Canada and start my life over again. Hopefully with limited custody battles over my son. Because I am also pregnant I feel this needs to be done for my own safety and the safety of my unborn child.

My husband is Irrate that I did not beg him to stay with me but instead have decided to follow his first request and leave. He has been increasingly hostile with me. However, this only proves to me that I have made the right decision.


I will check in to MB from time to time. I imagine when I start to grieve for the loss of my marriage I will need your support yet again.

I thank you for all of your assistance and I also thank the Harley's for providing me with the tools to make the very best effort I could with my marriage.

I am sad but now that only good things can come from here on out. Best of luck to the rest of you and your challenges. I will pray for you all and hope that you will succeed in saving your marriages. Marriage is a sacred thing and I will always believe that.

Love BH

I will be leaving to go home to Canada in about a month and I am so hurt.

Please help.

bhampton,

I feel so bad for you! I have a few questions. Where is home? I live in the GTA Ontario. When are you due? Let me know if you are in the same area if you need an OBS/GYN. How old is your son? Do you have family and friends here who can support emotionally you,etc.? If your H wants so much to end things with you then why is he upset that you are leaving?

Be strong.

I am so sorry to hear that things have gone this way. I hadn't checked in for while, last I did you were working on a recovery plan and looking for counselors.

I think going home at this point is a good thing. Can you take your son to Canada without legal issues?

I'd really like to encourage you to make this sep time a Plan B sort of thing. Give him the letter and let him know that the door is open as soon as he gets serious about addressing his addiction, but until that time you must have no contact with him.

Let me know if I can help you with that - the guidelines for the Plan B Letter are below.

Hugs,

C

PBL Guidelines:

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

SAB - I am due in late April, I am from Nova Scotia but my family lives all over Canada and before moving here I lived for 10 years in Vancouver. Yes I have family there to support me emotionally and otherwise. My husband is upset I am leaving because it will disrupt his world and access to our son who is 17 months old.

Cerri - I am sorry it took this turn too. I wanted things to be different. I cannot take my son to Canada without his father's permission. So unfortunately I am stuck here in Atlanta for the interim trying to keep the peace until we can come to some sort of custody agreement. I can't establish plan B here because I have no intermediary and am 100% financially dependant on my husband who will use any opportunity he has to remind me of that.

So I am talking to an immigration lawyer to see under what circumstances I can be permitted to leave with my son.

Since lat I posted my WH has been very attentive and helpful around the house. He has been kind and caring with regard to my pregnancy and its discomforts. But it is all too little too late. I never thought I would give up on us but I think I have.

Thank you all.

Since lat I posted my WH has been very attentive and helpful around the house. He has been kind and caring with regard to my pregnancy and its discomforts. But it is all too little too late. I never thought I would give up on us but I think I have.

Yes, I know it feels that way. And this is why it is so vitally necessary to do whatever it takes to get into Plan B before you get to this point. Because, no matter how you feel, feelings are not a good reason to abandon your marriage and expose your kids to the tragedy of divorce.

The things he has done to you and to your marriage are terrible. There is no excuse for them, and he needs to make significant changes before you should even think about reconciliation. But the battle I fight every day with so many people is the one you find yourself facing now - how to have the energy to go on when it feels like it's too late and your feelings are trashed.

My personal philosophy is that you don't get to quit the marriage when the feelings go away. Commitment is still commitment. But you do need to get away from the pain and take care of yourself until your spouse decides to do what it takes to make amends to you. And if after a couple of years if they can't get it together during that time, then you are free to move on. I wouldn't expect anyone to put their life on hold indefinitely.

I'm am so sorry and horrified that you are stuck having to deal with all of this. Is there anyone who would be willing to help you out financially until you can figure out how to get home? I would imagine a legal battle over your son and your ability to leave the country could take a very long time.

What are you doing to take care of you?

C

Cerri,

My parents are sending money regularly as "emergency funds" to make sure if my hubby cuts us off financially I have a back up plan.

I am not doing much for me to be honest. I am still here in the house with my son and will continue to be until I can go home.


I can't think of anything to help me personally in the mean time. As I said the stress level at home has calmed down and my husband is treating me with respect and caring for my pregnancy needs etc.

I still get visions of the things he has done and said to hurt me. But other than that things are ok. I do feel like giving up. In my mind he has had since D day to get it together and that was the first week in August. But as I see on MB it takes much longer than that to "recover".

I hope for a better solution but when and if I do get home with my son I am sure my Husband will interpret it as rejection and proceed with divorce.

Thanks for all the advice.

Cerri

I may not be able to return to Canada until after the holidays. What can I do to stay on track while I am still here. I think Plan B would be impossible in the same house. I think the A has stopped but I have stopped checking up on him to be honest. However no emails or late night calls on his cell that I have noticed.

Anyway, I am still determined to return home to my family but am not sure that I will be able to do that in any short order. So I was hoping for some advice on how to get by until then.

He is being kind etc. No LB's from him lately. And I am not giving out any either. Please let me know.

Thanks