My husband moved out the same day that he told me that he does not love me any more. I asked if there was someone else and of course he said NO. I find out four days later via a letter from someone who felt that I needed to know that there is someone else and it has been going on for some time. Husband still says that he is not seeing anyone but I have proof that he is, everything that comes out of his mouth seems to be a lie. Just like the day he left that morning he told me he loved me and kissed me bye before I left for work. That afternoon he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I still love my husband very much and would love to be able to work all of this out, but I can't even get him to talk to me. He is now living with OW, of course he says this is not true. I found out that he has a second cell phone and called and talked to her almost 2700 minutes last month. His regular cell phone the one that I have the number for he will not even answer. Not for me or either one of our three children. How can I work on re-building our marriage when I can't even get him to talk to me? He moved out the end of July and was living with her within two weeks. Is there any HOPE? Our children told me to just write him off. That they never want to see or talk to him again but it is not that easy. I have tried to be nice and I have sent him cards and letters his responce was that I was pushing and and I was trying to hard. I don't know what to do or where to turn next. This hurts way to much some days I just want to disappear forever. OW just came out of relationship with boyfriend of 8 years. Husband and I have been married for 26 years with three children. I never thought an affair would ever be part of my life. He had always been a kind and loving husband. We did have problems but it was due to his health problems and now I find out that he has been on viagar for several months and it has not been for me. Since he left I know that he has had his prescription filled every 20- 28 days. But he still says that he is NOT having an affair. I can't win and I'm in the fight of my life. Does anyone have anything or any answers that might help? I need answers fast and help even faster!
Jello

Jello

I am sorry for your pain! I know that it doesn't help much to hear that. Weekends are slow here. You should get some post tomorrow. I wish you the best .. Someone better qualified to help you will read your post and offer some sound advice. Do not give up hope..I just wanted to let you know that there are people out there that care.

The best thing you can do until then is start reading this site and get a hold of a copy of Surviving an Affair. You can order it from here or get it at your local library. I am about half way thru it myself.. it has helped me alot .. I wish you the best! L&C

Right now, you need to learn as much as you can, and then PLAN what you are going to do based on what you learn. What you are doing right now is not working, so stop, read, and re-orient your thinking. You can start with the resources in the link in my signature line. Though your situation is not hopeless, it is much more difficult because he refuses contact. Plan B may be your only option. The odds are high that his relationship will fall apart on its own, but it could be a long wait. Exposure will hasten its demise.

Your H sounds like mine. Don't even bother listening to anything he says. He will continue to lie and babble. Start reading about Plan A right away. I was so mad I threw mine out, and started Plan B, which isn't the right thing to do. You will get tons of support here. And start working on you, and your happiness.

Well another day and no contact. He didn't even come to our sons soccer game and it was a home game. All of five minutes from where he is living with OW. I just don't know which way to turn I have always been very strong until this hit like a lead balloon. Now I find I can't even make a decision about what to wear in the mornings. Every move seems to require extra effort. I only get out of bed because I have to work to support me and my children. I have tried to keep everything as normal as I can but I don't know what is normal any more. Every day I pray for not only my husband but also for the OW. They are both wrong in what they are doing and they both know this but it does not seem to matter to them. Everyday I find out new lows that he has sunk to like the secret cell phone and now I find that he bought her sons old car so he could leave it parked in her yard and no one would question it being there. I need some good sound information on what I should do next. Please give as many details as possible. I need to work fast, smart and hard to get them apart and put me back in his life. The longer this goes on the harder it becomes for me to believe that it will end in anything other than divorce. I do NOT want a divorce but when all is said I may not have a choice. Please HELP!

Help I'm sinking fast. I don't know what to do I'm about ready to give up the ship and call it quits. Life should not hurt like this and yet the pain just keeps coming. My husband moved out of our home to be with his OW. So I don't even have any contact with him except for a few rare moments when he actually shows up for our son's soccer game. How can I work on our marriage alone and even hope to bring it back to life. I love him enough to forgive him but he has told friends that he is having a good time right now and he did not go to her until after he left me (2 days later)(maybe the next day) I'm not sure which it was. What am I suppose to do next? Do I just wait on him to come back? Do I give up? PLEASE HELP ME? Where do I go from here? If anybody knows anything that will help please let me know ASAP. The clock is ticking.

May the peace of our Lord be with you. Take steps to calm your soul. Be patient with your emotions. Most importantly, know that there are many here for your support. And there are many around you that will help - let them.

You are loved... I hope you know and feel that.

Jello,

Do you have a good MC you can work with? If not, give Steve, Jennifer or Cerri here at MB a call and do some quick phone counseling.

You appear to be having anxiety attacks and have a lot of frustration building up. You also feel like you have to keep it together for everyone when you really don't.


Here's something helped me: 5 stages of grieving

Your feelings remind me of how I felt. The anxiety attacks for me were at first several times a day. They are your body's way of relieving the internal stress.

How to work with it? Don't fight it. Get yourself to a safe spot and cry if you need. See your doctor to check out your med options.

Not everyone will understand and your children are probably thinking they are protecting you. Don't push them away. Let them know you appreciate and need their support. That you love them and will not abandon them.

Read the book: Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. Get ahold of the book suriving an affair by Dr W. Harley.

I have a question, what did the OW have to say for 2700 minutes? Are you sure you aren't putting undue stress by talking with her?

L.

Thank you for your feedback. I will consider seeing my doctor but I don't think that is the road that I want to travel. My children are doing their best to hold it together for themselves and help me at the same time. They know how much they mean to me and that no matter what that they are loved. I need help with how to get my husband back. I want him to come home the children want him at home especially our son (the only one still living at home). He is seventeen and really needs his dad's attention before my husband went stupid he and our son would chase each other around the house and play games and do dad/son stuff. Now he has very little to no contact with him. I have to see the hurt in his eyes and pick up the pieces each time dad does not show up for an event. How am I supposed to look my children in the eyes if I do not do everything possible to make my marriage work and bring our family back from this H*** that we are in right now. What should I be doing right now to put us on the path to recovery?
Just to clarify I have not talked to the OW since the first week in August this was the week after my husband left in July. The 2700 min. were on his new cell phone bill where he is talking to her while he and she are at work and any other time that they can not physically be together. Almost of their time is spent together since he has moved in with her except when they are at work and then as you can see he is on the phone with her a lot.

Jello are you taking steps to get counseling? Reading the many wonderful resources here? Your feelings are understandably telling you this is an emergency and you have to do something radical RIGHT NOW, but actually this will most likely be a SLOW process. You have to focus on calming yourself and (as impossible as it sounds right now) getting on with your life without wh. He is choosing not to be a part of your life, and so you must show him that though you are terribly hurt, that you CAN go on without him. You are a valuable, desirable person in your own right and if he chooses to let you go for now, so be it. Don't be pititful (not that you are, but that may be his perception) in his presence right now--he is comparing you to a woman in the throes of romance (his ow).
Read up on this website about Plan B and the letter that begins this process. Read everything here!! There is so much wisdom and help here. It can make a difference for your future. There is definitely hope--their relationship may die its own death and your husband may shake off the fog and come home....it's still possible.
Keep writing and let us know how you are dear. This is so difficult but with God's help you can come out with your life still one of joy.

I have tried to stay busy, so busy that I don't have time to think but so far it is not working and I can't seem to turn it off. Are you saying that I should be in Plan B already. That will be very difficult because of the contact that we have to have because of our son and his sports and music events. I guess I want to know if there is any hope that he will want to come home any time soon. Every day that passes I feel that his relationship with OW grows stronger and stronger and ours grows weaker. I need to know what steps that I can take to separate or come between them if there is any. What can I be doing on my own that might encourage him to come home without pushing him closer to her?

jello - my heart goes out to you and everyone here will help as they are all basically in the same boat. You need to get the book Surviving an Affair and read it. It will shed light on what is going on and what you need to do. Stop trying to contact him and concentrate on yourself and your family, especially the boy at home. When he contacts you be pleasant, not needy or clingy and present the image that you are strong and getting on with your life.

There is no short term solution to your problem but it can be fixed if you are willing to go through the process.

Do see your doctor for anti depressant/anxiety medication because it does calm you and let you detach and view your problem with less emotion.
I do not take medication but was so upset got anti-D from my DR and it does help.

you need to expose this affair to everyone he knows and works with. He denies it because he is ashamed of it and exposing it will hasten its demise. this you will learn by reading the SAA book.

You don't give up, you ignore what he says and does as he is in the infamous "FOG" Read everything on this site and you will see the pattern of what he is doing and what to do. You concentrate on improving yourself while this is getting started and read read read this site.

Hang in there. You will make it and be a much stronger person for it.

DD

<small>[ October 23, 2003, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

"Every day that passes I feel that his relationship with OW grows stronger and stronger and ours grows weaker."

Probably not actually. An affair is a partial relationship. It seems wonderful to the people in it because they only spend quality time together and now that they have to share the more mundane things of life, like household chores, the shine will go off a bit.

Please, please read the book SAA. Order it from the "Bookstore" on this site. Then make a plan.

Because of the children WH will not be able to avoid all contact so a Plan A seems possible.

The book "Surviving An Affair" who is it written by, because I have found more than one book about surviving an affair. I have been reading since the day after he left. Everything that I can get my hands on, I even copied some info on infidelity and carried to my husband. He told our daughter that I had offended him because he is not having an affair. That his feelings were hurt that we could even think that about him. I am 100% sure of what he is doing and with whom. He just does not know that he has been caught yet! Because he owns his own business we have a lot of personal belonging stored there and I am waiting until I get these items before I confront him or I'll never get them. He has already told me that if I push him he will make my life H***. I know that he can because he comes from a very well known family with lots of connctions. So I am waiting for just the right time, but by waiting it is giving them more time to play house. I just want this to be over and my husband to come home but I don't think that is going to happen. I wish that I had even a tiny drop of hope. I told him from the beginning that I would do anything to save our marriage and that is still true except I will not share him. I have also told him that if God can forgive him then I can also forgive him. I pray for him and the OW every day that they will come to realize that what they are doing is wrong and based on a lie. (I have been told that the OW is a church going christian woman). I wish that he could see and feel the pain that all of this has caused when he could have been honest and we could have worked on our marriage and been very happy again. He never gave us a chance and I don't know if he ever will I can only pray. Each day he tells more lies and spends more time with her and each day I have to pick up the pieces of hurt and pain that I see in my son's face and try to make it better for him. I also have to hear the hurt and rejection in our daughters voices and try to help them cope and gain understanding when I don't understand myself. I don't know if I will ever understand! What should I be doing besides reading???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The book "Surviving An Affair" who is it written by, because I have found more than one book about surviving an affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Surviving An Affair" is the title. The only one that Amazon.com sells with that title is the one we are referring to, by Harley. You can also order it through the bookstore at this site.

Do not send him anything about affairs. You cannot change him, and you should not be trying to educate him - it is disrespectful, and eliminating Disrespectful Judgments and other Love Busters is one of your primary tasks in Plan A.

Since the OW claims to be a Christian, I would confront her - but only with this: "I love my husband and want to restore my marriage. I believe your relationship with him is interferring with that. Please end your relationship." She may laugh in your face, so be prepared for that, but if she is REALLY a Christian, it will be the beginning of the end of their relationship. Even if she is not really a Christian, it will be one of the best things you can do to help their relationship end. By saying that, you will be showing yourself to be a reasonable, calm, rational, sensible, in-control woman. It is a fair bet that he is not portraying you that way to her. Her experience with you will clash with what he has been telling her. That will disturb her. Maybe not much, but you know what they say about straw and camel's backs...you don't know if that will be the first straw, or the last, but every little bit helps. Exposure is toxic to affairs. Tell people what you know.

Well if things could not get any worse my son broke his foot at his last soccer game of the season. It was senior night and he is a senior of course dad was not there even though my son called and personally asked him to be. He did show up at the hospital after I called him to let him know. He was a true and pure jacka** the entire time he was there. I did not speak to him or I would have slugged him right in the mouth. Maybe I should have. He did take my son to his first post break MD visit. Of course his girlfriend called every 10-15 minutes according to my son. I can believe this considering that they call each other 40-50 times per day every day. I have given up any hope of him coming home so I guess I have to move on and make the best of whats left which is not much. I wish this could have been worked out and we could have been husband and wife and family again. But it seems that she has total control over his every move. I just don't know how to go on without him in my life. I don't know how to not be married. HELP!!!

Jello,

Let's look at your situation from another angle and see how you feel, ok?

The fact that the OW is soooo clingy is a good sign. Yep it certainly is.

Now we need to get you to a stronger point. I wouldn't tell you to give up yet. Your H's irrational non-parent pattern is inhumane and in time others will tell him. Maybe by then you won't want him back but let's not go there.....yet.

For now, take care of you and your children. Pamper that boy of yours but not too much. Let him know you love him and if he asks about his dad, say what you can but defer his questions to his dad as needed. Love your children but don't coddle them too much. They need to be able to vent to their dad. Don't absorb that flow of energy.

The fact that his is acting stupid is a good sign.

ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
L.