Are there any examples of a No Contact letter?

I'm new here so don't know. If you are talking about NC with the affair partner, it should say something like " I have decided to work on my marriage. Please do not contact me, and I will not contact you. Our relationship is over." But there are many more people here that are much smarter than me. You'll hear from them.

Sally,

Please go post your question on GQII. You will probably get some samples there.

L.

Hi sadsally,

It took me a while to find the NC letter...in fact, I planned to eventually post these samples under a thread called NC letter so that no one else had to sort through all the threads to find it!

Following is a brief explanation of the NC letter, and then some samples. I cleaned them up (ie. removing individuals names and replacing with BS, etc.) and made a couple of modifications that suited my H's situation. But they are a good beginning to a NC letter. I'm sure someone can pick and choose which statements seem closest to their own situation or style of writing.

The first is a very slightly altered Dr. Harley letter, the rest are written by various WS.

Why a NC letter? A No Contact (NC) letter is a formal and symbolic way of ensuring the best probability of NC with the Other Person (OP) in the affair.

Something about putting things in writing gives your intentions a bit more oomph and makes your intentions believable to the OP. Yes it helps your wife/husband feel better. Yes sometimes it helps you keep your promise. Does it always work? Of course not....affairs as you know can be very very addictive and exciting....almost impossible to resist for some. But the letter helps the OP understand that you are serious.

The NC letter should not be ugly or mean spirited. Not should it be affectionate or apologetic. It is a simply a formal declaration of intent to end contact, written by the person ending the affair.

Sample NC letters

#1

(OP),

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife/husband, I have come to realize that I do not want to have any further contact with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that _______ (BS) did not deserve.

While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her/him, I will do my best to become the husband/wife she/he’s been missing. I love her/him deeply and I do not want to do anything to risk her/his future happiness.

I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to continue to try and make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to permanently end our relationship.

Sincerely,

#2

To (OP):

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with (BS).

To protect her/him, I have decided to break off all contact with you. This decision - not to contact you or interact with you in any way other than as required in public - is permanent and not subject to change.

I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me other than as required to maintain a polite relationship. I will refuse all efforts to initiate anything other than accidental contact with me, and I will notify BS immediately of any contact between us, as I have been doing after each and every communication you have made thus far, and I will continue to alert her/him to any effort made to initiate additional interaction.

I have been completely honest with BS about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between BS and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.

I hope that this letter makes clear my position.

#3

Dear OP,

I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and I must come to an end immediately. If _____ (BS) and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other at all.

It certainly isn't anything personal, but I'm sure that you can understand my position on the issue and if you were in my shoes that you would feel exactly the same as I do.

I love BS and she/he deserves a 100% effort from me to make our lives together as happy as possible.

I wish you well in life, and I will appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

#4

To OP:

____ (BS) has been tremendously hurt as a result of my decisions. Because of the pain that I have caused in exceeding the bounds of what was once a friendship, I am choosing now to cease all forms of communication with you.

It is something that I should have done prior to this, but I failed to. I love ____ (BS). She/He is very important to me and I'm sure you will understand that my relationship with her/him is now my number one priority.

Sincerely,

#5

To (OP):

I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to both of our families. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband/wife is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I deeply care about him/her and want things to work out so we can have a family and realize all of our dreams together.

To protect him/her, I have decided to break off all contact with you. All things considered, I think it is best that our families break off all contact as well. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to both of our families. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify __ (BS) immediately.

I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with my husband/wife about everything. He/She knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust.

Sincerely,

Great post awed. I wanted to add cerri's guidelines for no contact:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No contact letter to the affair partner:

•Out of respect and love for spouse and children s/he realizes that s/he must never see or speak to lover again.

•the relationship with lover was cruel and thoughtless and the BS did not deserve to be treated that way

•The WS is determined to be the spouse his W/H deserves and has been missing

•S/He will not contact her again and asks that she respect his wish to end the relationship entirely

•The BS has been told all the details of the affair and will be told immediately if contact is attempted in the future.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The last sentence is important...because it meets the conditions of radical honesty and lets the OP know that the the BS will no longer be left out of the loop and that secrecy will no longer rule.

What if my H ended the relationship face to face? He told me that he met with her 2 weeks ago to do the break up. I know that's not the MB guideline. So, should I insist on a NC letter?

What if my H ended the relationship face to face?
Then it most likely didn't end as it should have. There was probably, "sorry it didn't work out between us" or "I'll remmeber this forever type stuff. This does exactly the opposite as the letters above. It keeps some "hope" in the back of their minds.

So, should I insist on a NC letter?
Absolutely!

I know of a sitch where the h ended the affair over the phone with his wife sitting there....but aside from that...a no contact letter is essential to formalize the ending...and to rebuild trust. Don't you have doubts that it was really ended? I would.

Yes, I wonder if the affair has actually ended. In a way, I think he's just buying time by saying that he's willing to work on the family, being there more for the kids. He really has not committed to working on 'us'. So, I am still wondering if there's a chance our M.

I am afraid that he will get angry and say that I am being pushy. So, what to do? How do I insist on a NC letter in a non-pushy way? Given my situation, should I still insist?

Tell him how you feel about it. Don't demand.

I sympathize with you AIO. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. You're so close to making it over this first hurdle, he says the A is ending, you don't want to ruin anything...

You may already know all this (I don't know your story) but because you said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I insist on a NC letter in a non-pushy way? Given my situation, should I still insist? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...here are my thoughts.

1. Adding to what Chris already told you: the reason written communication is so important is that all other forms are open to interpretation of tone of voice, facial gestures, etc.

For example, OW could truly believe the following: "he said he wanted to end the A but I could see in his eyes that he didn't really mean it".

Note: Written communication is also open to interpretation which is why the advice given about the NC letter is to keep it short, simple, to the point.

2. I'm a hardliner on this next point; given the number of times I see words like "force" or "insist" in MB postings, likely others here will disagree with what I'm about to say but I hope you will at least think about it.

You have no control over his decision. Accept that it is his right to choose. As John says, all you can do is explain (without LBing) how you feel, the impact on you, and let him decide what to do. He can choose to continue the A. Then you can choose how to respond.

3. And finally, a piece of practical advice. I'd practice saying whatever it is you want to say to him...in fact, I did practice saying it, several times.

In my case, I needed to ensure I could talk about this extremely emotional matter in a calm way. It was really important that my H understand the NC because he thought she was his "friend" but the EA was devastating to me. I needed to get him to understand that: a) there was no easy way to tell this woman who was in love with him that it was over between them; b) it was extremely important that she truly get the message because her continued presence in our lives would cause further damage. If he delivered the message in person, it was open to interpretation that he didn't really want the A to end, that he was doing so only under pressure from me, etc.

So those were my messages...I did not question his "friendship" with her (at that time) or his feelings for her. I also made it clear that I was not questioning him or his commitment (his "truthfulness", ha ha) to ending the A. I simply said the two points above very quietly and calmly, and then left it with him to think about.

He decided it was the right thing to do as a result. HE decided. I did not "force" him by insisting on it. He understood what I was saying to him in part because I showed respect for him by the way in which I said it. And my hot-headed H did not get angry...there was nothing in what I'd said or the way in which I'd said it to get angry about.

That said, you should know that ultimately I would have Plan B'd him if he'd refused and the EA ("Friendship") continued. I felt very strongly that NC was a bottom line for me. And I'd reached the end of Plan A. This knowledge gave me the strength to be calm, and wait for him to decide. I knew what my choice was.

But I did not make a threat, nor would I.

Someone else here may have very good advice for you about what you can do if he makes the wrong choice. Whatever the case, it is important to think through your response and don't react quickly or in haste. (And definitely not in anger.)

Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />