Hi to everyone that reads this,I have been posting in the emotional needs forum because I really wasnt sure where to post my problem.I am almost sure that my wife has been cheating on me in one way or another.I still lover her like I did the day we first met,and would love to work it out with her.It has been going on I believe about 1 month,maybe even longer.I am not a patient person,I dont think that I could stay emotionaly strong,long enuff to wait it out.I grow more angry by the day,and would almost rather tell her to get her things and get out so that I just get on with my life the best I can.I know that this no exact time,but an idea how long before do you start to feel like life is worth living again and that you can enjoy things again.I am an avid football fan but since this is happend I dont even care about it anymore.It seems that things you once cared about doing just dosnt mean anything anymore.All I want to do is sit around and cry and think about the past and it makes me even worse.Thanks again

BRIAN J

Hey Brian,
Read as much as you can on the entire Plan A/ Plan B concepts. Everyone is different on how long to Plan A before moving to Plan B. The point of Plan A is to show your spouse that you are wanting to fight for the M and that you rather than the OM are the correct choice. The point with Plan B is start it once you feel the A is draining you of your love for your W so that if the A ends you can go back to working on the M.

You said in your post that you aren't very patient and that you are quickly becoming angry. Just remember that that is the exact behaviour that will alienate your W. I was very angry with my W but I knew that was the behaviour that had probably allowed her to rationionalize the A in the first place.

I also was anxious and jumpy. Once I found the MB site and read its tenents, I wanted to put all of it in place from Plan A to NC in a week! A little unrealistic I would say. Soooo take a deep breath. Try to calm down. Go excercise yourself until you have no energy left because then you won't have as much nervous anxiety.

Some people are better at focusing on a posative future vs reliving the past. You and I are in the latter group. Even today with the OM out of the picture and my W totally dedicated to me and the M, I still want to mope around about the past. As time goes on, posative post A memories occur ie good weekends away, dinners and more that will start to make it more difficult to just focus on the bad of the A. It's a process; a long process but you can do it. You just need the desire and motivation to try. Besides we're guys... we want to win we don't want the OM to win. Your a football fan so we want to crush the OM. Right?!

make sense?

Brian,

You have some great advice above. Please follow it. I and many many others felt exactly the way you do know. I'm still there half the time. I'm still only a few weeks from D-Day(10/4/03). For me once I started to work towards rebuilding my marriage I began to feel a little better, even when it was only me making the effort. You will find a lot of support here.

What makes you think she is having an A (affair)? Do you have any evidence? Please tell us more about your situation and history. You can get great support on this site. And there is some good help to be found here too if you know where to look.

MTD

Hi MTD,I posted over in emotional needs first it has my whole story.They are posted under PLEASE HELP I need advice,and I have lost all hopes.THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR THE ADVICE AND SUPPORT, you all dont know how much this means.

Brian,

Since you have already read my story, you know that I was in a similar situation. It was in fact 4-5 weeks before I confronted my wife AFTER I had 100% proof (I found a 4 page letter detailing an ongoing 4 year affair), even though I suspected an A for 2 months. It took me that long to confront her because I had to first take care of myself. I was a basket case inside.

After the initial sock and emotional hell, that I kept hidden (attempted to) I did a few things.

1) Sought support and read tons of information on this website. It really is the best out there. (YOU ARE ALREADY DOING THIS)
2) See your doctor and get on an anti-depressant. I myself, am on Effexor-XR (slow release). It greatly helps you get out of the fog that clouds your mind during this emotional time. Besides the Anti-D’s, have a full physical. Blood work, EKG and stress test. You will need a baseline on your health. And your health is #1 right now (mentally and physically).
3) Talk to a councilor. I myself saw a marriage councilor to discuss my pain. If you don’t feel comfortable with the councilor, find another one. You need professional guidance.
4) Read, read, read everything your can on infidelity. It helped me open my eyes to look at things from ALL perspectives, both mine and my wife’s. I know a lot of books are recommended here, but my favorite thus far is “After the Affair”.
5) This is optional, but I joined a health club to help me fight my daemons. I workout at 5:30am everyday, Mon-Fri, for about an hour. My mind clears up, and my body is responding well. I feel like I’m in the best shape I’ve been in at least 10 years.
** It’s a hell of a price to pay to be in shape.

Be strong and positive. You have a lot of friends here.

Andy

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: suckerpunchedat42 ]</small>