I am having a hard time dealing with telling my H family on what is going on.Yeah, I know, it's scary to do. It feels vulnerable and it hurts and it's taking a step that we don't know where it will lead. But unless there are strong mitigating circumstances, it needs to be done.
Quick update I am the one with the husband who has met a woman at a vitamin shop,Hmmmmm do we need to have a caution label on vitamins that they may be hazardous to your marriage?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ok - sorry - obviously I need to get out more.
he told me he loved her and that he has no feelings for me married me from family pressure he is rewriting the past and making it sound like there was nothing good about our marriage. [/vb]
I'm glad to see that you recognize this is revisionist history and that you aren't buying into what he is saying. It is so typical and so universal that I would be shocked if he didn't say those things.
[b]#1 Husband told me he loved her, but now he tells me it meant nothing.Ok - see my Rules for Infidelity below. From this point forward, until you are well into recovery, we aren't going to put much stock in what he says and does, he is acting under the influence. There are a few nuggets of valuable information that we'll get along the way, but for the most part just make like a duck and let it roll right off your back.
#2 Husband has a key to her shop and spends the nights there all night and he heals over there. she is apparently not there.Uh huh - right. And if you believe that, I have a car I'd like to sell you.
#3 Husband told me about past lives together that this is our 3rd life and we did not learn our lessons and that he stayed with me in past lives and he is not going to in this one. Psychic also told him he was with this ow in a past life.You know, lots of major religions around the world discuss and believe in the idea of past lives and the concept of needing to learn lessons in this life based on what we missed before. But abandoning one's marriage vows and one's family to have an illicit relationship with someone else - a relationship that is based on betrayal and deceit certainly doesn't strike me as a move up the karmic ladder. Seems to me it would be a big failure to learn the lessons of commitment, honor, integrity and doing the right thing in the face of difficulty. Making choices based on what feels good regardless of how they impact the people around us is ethically bankrupt.
And the psychic - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I have very good friends who are very phychically gifted, but there are way too many people out there willing to say what the client wants to hear just to have the business. What a crock.
Let's just say he did know her in a PL. So???? Maybe that means the rule about not being in contact with former lovers should apply to more than one life!!!
#4 when I ask him about her and I ask if he will get together with her after he does not answer he cannot tell me they are just frinds. This makes me the sickest because our 3 children know this woman and have been in her shop several times while daddy was there when he had no feelings for her. I have a hard time with this because I hate to think what he is teaching the kids if he does go to her after.What you need to do is tell him how you feel about even visiting that shop. Not what you think - how you feel. "I am hurt/horrified/ angry/despairing when you go to the vitamin shop. The fact that you are anywhere near where she is hurts and offends me more than anything else ever has."
Are you snooping at all? Checking up on whether she is there or not? Particularly when he spends the nights there?
#5 I have told two of H sisters and one has suggested that I only tell their parents that we are having problems and that I want to work them out. She does not think I need to tell the details and that If I do it will look like I am trying to make him look bad.Mmmmmm..... the only one making him look bad is himself. You are simply bringing his bad decisions into the light of day and asking for help to encourage him to stop.
If I wear brown plaid pants, and a hawaiian shirt, dye my hair orange and add a pair of mud boots as a finishing touch - someone asking for help to encourage me to reexamine my wardrobe is not what makes me look bad. The fact that I have no fashion sense is what makes me look bad.
His sister also thinks that because we were having problems before that this became his escape route.As I said above - So???? There are ethical ways to address problems in the marriage - infidelity is not one of them. There is nothing that makes it ok. So to say you can't ask for help with this because you were having problems before is ridiculous. It sounds like you should take the blame and suffer in silence - as if this is what you deserve. It's not.
I think the real reason she does not want me to tell is her parents went through the same things as our marriage h was a workaholic and they are just getting their marriage to work better and they are in their 60s.But the fact that they went through troubled times gives them more credibility, more compassion and more insights to offer your husband. But they can only help if they know.
My H also blames his parents for why he is like this that he does not spend much time with our kids because he was brough up that way. What sort of things should I tell his parents.You need to tell them (and a whole host of other people) that your husband is having an affair with _____. (Use her name and tell where she works) That you love him, you want to save your marriage and keep your family together. But you can't do those things as long as he is in contact with her. Ask them to encourage him to do the right thing, end the affair and recommit to the marriage.
Have you confronted her? You need to do that. And you need to tell anyone and everyone else who might have any influence or who would be in a position to cause problems in the affair. Is she married? If so her H needs to know - yesterday.
C
