As the betrayed wife I need to know. I am told that I ask to many questions and these questions are insinuating?? as he says. Well I would think that if a Normal Regular person or H had an EA and was repentant/sorry he would be more than willing to explain things. He would want to Give as much information to his W in order for her to feel secure that everything is ok. He only gives me as minimual information as necessary. And almost DARES me to ask any more questions or there will be WAR. <P> Kinda like last week he went to work late. Just said I am going in work late. Completely out of the ordinary, with no explaination at all. I said to myself I WILL NOT QUESTION HIM and I didnot. I still now one week later do not know why he went to work late. Is it because he did not have any med. cases til later that day (which is almost never done, or was he doing something with someone??)It could be a small incident with nothing wrong at all but you would think he would want to say WHY he was going in late. I have almost begged him to let me know things so I wouldn't have to ask questions. But that is what I get silent treatment. <P>What about the honesty thing, how do you MAKE someone be honest in a relation when he says he is but there is something wrong. <P>I pray that God will reveal the TRUTH to me soon, because I cannot take this seperate life that we are living. His world / my world just surviving together. Why won't he just tell me and or go? Why won't he Try to work with me? Why this dry hell we are living?

Overcomer--<P>Welcome. Please give us more info? Is your H's EA supposedly over, or ongoing? Did he tell you, or did you find out another way?<P>Sounds like your H is very defensive. He's either covering up a continuing affair, or he's feeling attacked by your questions, or both! Yes, your own riot of emotions is very well understood here.<P>Read as much as you can at this site. It's filled with valuable information. And we're here for you, ready to help as much as we can. Hang in there. <P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<P>

Tough question, Overcomer.<P>I don't personally believe you can ask too many questions. But, in all fairness, if he's not ready to talk about it, then from his perspective, maybe you ARE asking too many questions.<P>I understand the desire to KNOW. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I guess I was fortunate because my wife was all too willing to answer my questions. She was so repentent, it was almost scary.<P>All I can offer you is the suggestion that you do your best to avoid lovebusters. I know the "not knowing" is horrible, but if you've read Dr. Harley's material here, you know that Plan A is for building your lovebank account back up in your H. It's awful to have to appear pleasant and sweet when you feel like you're dying inside.<P>But clearly, your H doesn't want to talk about it, and pushing the issue could be seen as a lovebuster.<P>Are you in counseling? Even if H won't go, you should. It can be so therapeutic to have someone to listen to your problems and offer helpful suggestions as to how to approach them.<P>Of course, it would be best if H would go with you. Perhaps then you could have a safe dialogue.<P>H needs to know that he's lost your trust and he can't just have it back. He has to earn it, and part of that is being honest and straight with you -- by answering the questions even when he doesn't want to.<P>If he can't do that, then I fear you're in for a long, rough recovery.<P>Please, don't give up easily. Work at it and do self-evaluations. Come back here and post often. You've got a great fraternity of people who've been there to lean on.<P>Please have as happy and healthy holiday season as possible given the circumstances. You can and will get through this. It just takes time.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Overcomer,<BR>When I found out about my h affair, I had many, many questions to ask. What I finally figured out was every time I asked him questions, all he did was think of her. I finally decided to examine my questions and figure out what I "truly needed to know" and just let the rest go. I did not want to be the reason for him thinking of her all the time. My h is a conflict avoider so he really feels attacked when I ask questions. At this point he also does not want to go to counseling. He thinks everything is back to normal and the way it was before the ow. Much easier for him to say than for me to believe. I have major trust problems (obviously ) that need to be helped out by him. He and the ow (my ex best friend) created in their own minds that they have a right to have a life that their spouse does not know about. That is the toughest issue I am facing right now. I know h is not in contact with ow, but he is also thinks he should be able to come and go without always "checking in". We are 6 months into recovery and its going to take a lot of works still. Hang in there. Sounds like your h is still in withdrawal and that is like a mini hell. It does fade away and things can get better though

Sorry Guys I have been so long in responding to your responses LOL. But with the holidays I have been trying to stay focused and haven't been on the computer much. <P>Lucks<BR>Thanks for your words. About the EA, I found out in June this year after looking at his cell phone bill. From March - June he was calling her, rather she would beep while he was golfing and/or while I was at church and he would call her back. He was "helping her with her marriage problems". He doesn't think it was that big of a deal, NO SEX, a couple of meals during lunch time, 2 kisses(pecks)... NO Big Deal. Sure if that is no big deal whats to say it won't happen again, I keep saying. Anyway. That's what has happened. At first I felt so guilty, Now I am so angry. Love busting at least once a week. It is so hard, because since he works with her, I believe he is still in contact... even though he says he doesn't talk to her.<P>LonesStar:<BR>Again, thanks for your words. Yes I have been in counseling since OCT. My first 5 sessions were good for me. He made me take off the horrible guilt I felt. But the last two sessions, were very hard. He made me see that I have been verbally and mentally abused by what H is saying to me. Counselor feels certain the EA is still ongoing. At least by what I am telling him. This scares me so. I am becoming very scared, confused and want this thing to just end. I do have alot of questions about my relationship with my H. <P>Derby:<BR>Thanks for your words. It has been 6mths since I found out. I am not so sure things are better or if my eyes are more open and I am scared of what my next steps will be. Maybe just be still and see what happens. <P>Thanks for ya'll words of encouragment. Sometimes the truth is scarey, I just don't know what TRUTH is for now.<P>Thanks<BR>Overcomer