I was blindsided when my wife told me she wanted to leave me and move back to Virginia last weekend (we live in Pennsylvania now). I asked her if there was someone else and she said there wasn’t but that she just wasn’t happy anymore. She had just returned from Virginia about 4 weeks ago after being down there for over a month helping her mother recover from breast cancer surgery. After she returned everything seemed pretty normal but then a couple days before she dropped the bombshell on me I noticed her behavior changed. She dropped everything she was doing and started spending all day shopping, and not buying anything. After a couple more days of this I asked her for the truth, “are you seeing someone?” She confessed that while she was in Virginia she looked up an old boyfriend from high school and they went out a couple of times while she was down there, the reason for the sudden change in behavior was because he has come up to visit her, talk about a kick in the crotch. She said that after 14 years of marriage and two kids (boys 11 & 10) she had made up her mind to move to Virginia. She said she had been telling me for years that she wasn’t happy anymore and that I seemed to refuse to do anything about it. After a long day of talking she agreed to go to counseling together. I could not convince her to stop seeing him, she said when she is with him she feels happy and she hasn’t felt happy in a long time. She said when they are together they talk, he holds her, and they’ve kissed but she hasn’t slept with him. She told hem of our plans to work through this and he ended up going back to Virginia a couple of days early. I guess I’m kind of lucky compared to some of the people on this board at least my OM is 600 miles away. One of the things that bother me most is that my wife didn’t start to have feelings for someone she knew and slipped into an affair; she called up an old boyfriend looking for someone. Another thing that bothers me (one of hundreds) is I went from trusting her 100% to not believing a thing she tells me. How do I get that trust back? We start counseling next week. I haven’t told anyone about this yet (except my pastor when I went to him to get the name of a counselor) I don’t want to tell my family and friends because I am determine to make this marriage better than before and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable around them in the future. I don’t know why I care so much about how she feels after she made me feel like this but I do. I blame myself for part of this. I was obviously not fulfilling her emotional needs and the sad thing is I knew it but didn’t do anything about it because I never thought she would look for them outside of our marriage, I was wrong. I guess the reason I’m posting this is because I have to tell someone and get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

I found out my H had been having an affair (for over a yr w/a coworker) 7/8/03. I also thought I was going to die if I didn't tell anyone, but didn't want him to be awkward around family either. After a month of him promising me the A was over, and that he'd had no contact with the OW, I found out it was still going on, and I blew the whistle on him. I'd seen this site, read three books on infidelity, and told him that the A he thought he'd had was so "special" was not, as look at how many people were doing what he was. I also told him "we" were going to tell our families, as I needed support to go through this. (he wanted to keep the marriage intact). We both sat down and talked with our families and got it all out for all to see. It was liberating for me, as I was going crazy going it alone, and it was yes, embarrassing for him, but you know what? He has had NC with the OW since that day. He now realizes his "secret" was not special at all, nor was the OW special. I am so proud of our families that they've been supportive to us both, and not degrading to him. Be careful who you tell - you don't want them to put a wedge any greater into your relationship than you already have. But if you have someone who you can trust and support you, get it off your chest. It's a lonely road when you're dying inside, and you can't talk to someone. We are both in MC, which was another part of my "conditions". I wish you luck in keeping your marriage together, but even more luck in keeping your sanity.

...

<small>[ February 16, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>

russkie - Luckily you found this site. Keep doing all the reading. It took me about a month of reading for it to sink in. Start working on fulfilling her emotional needs. Although I know it hurts and breaks your heart, be comforted in the fact that the WS's all do the same thing. Instead of trying to solve their problems they look for the quick fix of going outside the marriage. It's like a fantasy, of course they think it's better than working things out with their spouse. In the meantime, get busy reading, doing, and taking care of yourself. Also talk about it here. There is nothing like talking to folks that have been through it - even your friends and family won't understand like people here will. You'll get lots of encouragement and excellent advice.

Russkie counseling will NOT work if your W(wife) refuses to end all contact with the OM. The only thing it will serve is for her to vent to the counselor how bad you have been towards her, and to appease her conscience that she has given her last attempt to save the marriage. Even the Harley's will NOT consult with a WS(wayward spouse) that has not ended all contact with the OP(other person). So I would suggest that you scrap the idea of having your W attend counseling until she choses to have NC(no contact) with the OM(other man) forever.

Russkie, please click on the link in my signature line. Beyond that, a bit about telling and contact. As long as contact continues, you will not have recovery. So, if, after a realtively short time (maybe a couple of weeks), she will not end contact, then you should start telling people. Anyway, as long as they are maintaining contact, you should be in Plan A, so read up on Plan A in the links in my signature line link. However, if the OM is married, you should tell his wife, now, whether or not your wife is still contacting him. IT is usually a good idea to contact the OM and say: "I love my wife and want to fix my marriage. Your relationship wiht her interferes with that. Please have no further contact with her." Nothing more than that, no other discussion. He may laugh at you, but it is a good message to send, nonetheless, because it introduces conflict into their relationship, and it begins to expose it for what it is. Most affairs die when exposed (though it can take a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).