Hi, <BR>I've read your posts for the past two months and the vibes I get from my husband are very similar to the feelings you have expressed regarding your marriage. My husband had a short ( 2 weeks) emotional affair with a co worker and really fell for her.She is also married and has already cheated on her husband before. We did not have a good marriage before the affair, I was the one who always tried harder, loved more, compromised more often. After 6 years, we lived like roomates, separate lives under one roof. I did make it easy for him to have an affair. Upon discovery, it stopped, he chose to be with me and keep the family together, even though he still keeps in touch with her through ICQ, secretly. I'm still hanging on but do often question is it worth it. He's home but will not talk about our problems, can't or won't say he loves me, does not give a 1/2 ounce of affection to me, sex, what's that? I feel that when I read your posts as if he wrote them. The other woman is still on his mind, but even without her in the picture I feel that the man just simply does not love me, does not like me, who I am, how I make him feel. I know he fears living without seeing our daughter everyday and is probably willing to put up with me not to lose or hurt her. And he doesn't have money saved to move out, it would be too much hassle for him to take care of his own laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, paying bills. I'm at the point where the initial shock of being dumped has worn off and I just want to tally up the good and the bad and see what are we left with. I do not want to pull off a stunt like threatening him with a divorce in hopes he will run after me. I do not want to stop Plan A too soon, without giving him a chance to get over her and notice me who is trying very hard to work on myself and correct things with which I contributed to this ugly situation. God, I love him, and want to grow old with him, but not as a doormat rotting under his feet. I'm not worred about my future, God will help me, I'm 26, I have a healthy beautiful 5-years-old daughter, amazing job that I love to do and can support myself. If it comes to divorce, which it will if nothing changes in the next 4 months, I just want to be able to walk away knowing I tried my best, I gave it my all.<BR>How do I get him to be honest, to say what's on his mind, to give me a chance at a fulfilling life, with or without him? And then I do not want to squeeze answeres out of him if he is not ready to give them.<BR>I do not like myself now, spying, depressed, suspicious, desperate, angry, needy, crying, insecure, neglected wife. When they say an affair is an eye opener, it really is, and in some bizzare sense I know that it's better for us that it happened, at least this marriage will not feel numb any longer.<BR>What would it take for your wife to say or do to make it all better, or set you both free?<BR>Medo

Hi Medo,<P>Sorry I didn't see your post til now. I haven't been on the forum that much lately. I will try to answer your concerns as thoughtfully as I can, but you should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt because I've been in a cynical mood as of late.<P>It sounds to me like you have your "reality hat" on, and you have a good plan for what you want to do. Weighing the pros and cons of life together is what you must do for your own sanity. It sounds to me like your husband won't really help you out in that department.<P>From your description, it sounds like your husband is pretty callous about the whole thing. Your words -- "he's will to <I>put up with me</I>", "it would be <I>too much hassle for him</I>...", etc. Are you sure this is how he really feels? Or are you putting those words into his mouth.<P>I know you said that he doesn't want to talk about things or work on the problems, but it seems to me that if you're going to have any success at all, he has to participate. Otherwise you'll just be pounding your head up against a brick wall. I'm not sure how you'd be able to get him to help out if he doesn't want to.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How do I get him to be honest, to say what's on his mind, to give me a chance at a fulfilling life, with or without him? And then I do not want to squeeze answeres out of him if he is not ready to give them.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Getting him to be honest and say what's on his mind? If he doesn't want to be honest, there's nothing you can do about that. You can tell him til you're blue in the face that you want him to be honest and that you want to know what he's feeling. But if he feels threatened that you'll react badly, he won't budge. He's gotta feel like he's got a safe environment to be honest. How many marriages do you know where the husband says something like "I'd <B>never</B> tell my wife that."... It's because they don't feel safe telling their wife, cuz they know their wife would have a coniption fit. I'm not saying this is right for the husbands to do, but all you wives out there, if you want to know why your husband never tells you anything, that's why. It's an old stereotype, but it's true.<P>The second part of your question "to give me a chance at a fulfilling life, with or without him"... that's not something he's in control of. That's something <B>YOU</B> are in control of. If he doesn't want to work on the marriage, then it's up to you what you want to do next. Continue Plan A as long as you feel you can. How long has it been since he broke off the affair? It takes quite a long time for withdrawal to fade. Your husband is deep in withdrawal, and part of his denial in working it out or talking about things is the withdrawal. Perhaps it will take him alot more time before he gets over her. But how long can you wait, that's the question?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What would it take for your wife to say or do to make it all better, or set you both free?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well, that's the $64,000 question isn't it? I don't have the answer to that. I really wish I did. All the wise people on this forum say that all I have to do is allow my wife to fulfill my emotional needs. But she's been doing that for the most part. As well as she is able anyway. It hasn't really made a dent. And I'm better than your husband in some respects -- I give affection, we have sex, I'm willing to talk whenever she wants, I've gone to councellors... etc. (here's where my wife will read this and think that I'm not trying as hard as all that... all I can say is I'm giving all I have right now).<P>How do you know your husband still ICQ's the OW? Does he know you know? Have you confronted him? Don't worry about him making a fuss about privacy and all that. That doesn't mean squat right now. If he has any contact with her at all, then really, the affair is still ongoing. Every time he contacts her, withdrawal starts over again. It's very detrimental to the healing process. Your husband needs to figure out if life in a loveless marriage is really worth it for his daughter's sake. How can he imagine himself living for <I>the rest of his life</I> like that?? Does he imagine that you'll just somehow let him live his double life? Not likely...<P>Anyway, I know I rambled alot here and this post ended up rather long. Hope I'm a little help.<P>--andy

This is my first day here, I've read a lot of the stories and know the pain first hand. I caught my husband cheating on me with a friend, and I used my computer to catch him. There was the ICQ thing (you can log the chats ;o) and his "deleted" emails, not to mention the logs I made of his mIRC dcc chats....there is always a way of finding the truth people. If you need proof, do some investigating on the computer, if he uses email and deletes it...it can be found again, I know because I did this and now have written proof of his infidelity...a word of caution, the truth is a painful thing, so be VERY sure this is what you want. If you need more info feel free to write me at lil_hick@hotmail.com. My heart goes out to all of you experiencing this pain.<P>LilHick