Jilliana,

I think you are absolutely right. I know there is no way a marriage with him would work now. I truly believe he is a sex addict. Don't get me wrong, he is not really a bad person and has a lot of good qualities.

Actually, it is not even so much that he had a PA, as it is the EA. I really could have handled a one night stand much easier. To me the main issue is all the lying and sneaking around. I can not stand the dishonesty and I know I would forever question everything he told me.

I know I deserve better. We are to decide this weekend about what we are going to do with the living arrangements. He knows I will temporarily need his financial support, and he has offered that and is able to do so. So, maybe a month at most, then I will be ok on my own. I really don't want to be dependent on him. I don't want him to feel like I owe him anything.

I do think he cares about me. I think that a lot of the things I have said to him have caused him to look a little deeper at himself and his choices in life. I think he is deeply depressed right now and I made things more difficult for him by making him feel guilty and morally wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel one bit guilty about not making it easy. I just wanted him to know that I am leaving because I want to and not because he wants me too. A little ego rub.

Tammy

Jilliana,

I think you are absolutely right. I know there is no way a marriage with him would work now. I truly believe he is a sex addict. Don't get me wrong, he is not really a bad person and has a lot of good qualities.

Actually, it is not even so much that he had a PA, as it is the EA. I really could have handled a one night stand much easier. To me the main issue is all the lying and sneaking around. I can not stand the dishonesty and I know I would forever question everything he told me.

I know I deserve better. We are to decide this weekend about what we are going to do with the living arrangements. He knows I will temporarily need his financial support, and he has offered that and is able to do so. So, maybe a month at most, then I will be ok on my own. I really don't want to be dependent on him. I don't want him to feel like I owe him anything.

I do think he cares about me. I think that a lot of the things I have said to him have caused him to look a little deeper at himself and his choices in life. I think he is deeply depressed right now and I made things more difficult for him by making him feel guilty and morally wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel one bit guilty about not making it easy. I just wanted him to know that I am leaving because I want to and not because he wants me too. A little ego rub.

Tammy

Jilliana,

I think you are absolutely right. I know there is no way a marriage with him would work now. I truly believe he is a sex addict. Don't get me wrong, he is not really a bad person and has a lot of good qualities.

Actually, it is not even so much that he had a PA, as it is the EA. I really could have handled a one night stand much easier. To me the main issue is all the lying and sneaking around. I can not stand the dishonesty and I know I would forever question everything he told me.

I know I deserve better. We are to decide this weekend about what we are going to do with the living arrangements. He knows I will temporarily need his financial support, and he has offered that and is able to do so. So, maybe a month at most, then I will be ok on my own. I really don't want to be dependent on him. I don't want him to feel like I owe him anything.

I do think he cares about me. I think that a lot of the things I have said to him have caused him to look a little deeper at himself and his choices in life. I think he is deeply depressed right now and I made things more difficult for him by making him feel guilty and morally wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel one bit guilty about not making it easy. I just wanted him to know that I am leaving because I want to and not because he wants me too. A little ego rub.

Tammy

Sorry, I don't know why my stupid computer keeps double and triple posting!

Tammy,
I have done a lot of thinking about you since yesterday. You already know there is no easy way out of this. There are only hard ways, and the outcome is not sure.

You have some issues within that need to be addressed - as well as the issues without - the problems with him. You hurt, you wonder, you wish, but soon something has to happen.

One of the reasons I said you can take some time with this is so you can sort out your own feelings. I don't know how long you have been away from X, and I don't know if x still has feelings for you, or if he has someone else, but I suggest you look at that too. If you have read very long here, you begin to understand what happened to your prior relationship, and you must realize by now that love can return if two people wish for it to return.

Perhaps you have thought about your pain, and what x must have felt, perhaps that is part of your hurt now. I would guess that you often feel like running away and hiding, but there is no where to go, and that wouldn't save you if there were.

Please put off any decision for at least a few weeks. You need to do what will bring long term happiness for you and your children. You need to KNOW you are doing the right thing when you finally make a choice. Now it is so hard to face the future that it is almost impossible to think straight.

Understand that I am just trying to help. We sometimes make choices in our lives that have far reaching effects on our future happiness. You are at one of these points in your life, and it affects your children also. Please take time and think before you act.

J has given you some very good things to think about, and I can't fault her logic. It does not look like a very happy life if you stay with him, and from the quotes you give us from him, he does not intend to change. Right now, I am much more worried about your choices than I am about his choices. What you do now, may very well define the rest of your life.

There is no reason to consider OW's feelings, or to wonder what people will say or think. You need only know that you are doing the very best thing you can for you, and for your children. It doesn't matter where you live, it matters much more how you live.

I believe as you think this through the right answers will come to you. You are a sharp gal, you have done very well through this despite the pain. Look out ahead, think about what you want. Where do you want to be in 5 years? In ten year? Or in 20 years? What will bring you the most happiness? Who would you rather be with?

Don't be afraid to examine your options. Please do not fear the future. You are smart enought to figure out what is best, and if you have guts enough to go after that with all your heart, you will have a happy future.

In the short term, treat him with dignity and respect. Not because he deserves it, but because you are a lady, and that is how you treat people.

You can look at this as an opertunity to grow, and you come out the other end a much better and wiser person. I really believe you can.

SS

SS,
I know you are right. I definitely don't need to rush into anything. Right now I am just on an emotional roller coaster. I change my mind at least 10 times a day. I just can't stop thinking about it. Just things like, how often he has been with her, where they were, where was he supposed to be, etc. I know he will never answer those questions.

Right at this minute he is working on her new house. She's not there, but that isn't the point. And, before he went up there, he actually came home and took building supplies from OUR house to take up there for hers. One big drawback for me in even trying now is that I know he can't keep the NC rule. He sees her 5-6 days a week. I really do love him.

I have examined my feelings for my x closely. I love him, but I don't desire him. Does that make sense? That was part of the problem before. When I began A with my current SO, we had known each other for quite a while and it was strictly EA. I felt I was already in love with him before PA began. That doesn't make it right, I'm just trying to feel my way through how it happened. I now know that if I would have been more open with my x about how he wasn't meeting my needs, we probably could have made that relationship last.

I guess I just want to be sure before I do anything. The problem is my SO still insists that it is over, so my feelings for him don't matter. He knows how much he is hurting me, but he is thinking of himself.

Tammy,

There were a lot of things I wondered about when you first began posting. As your story unfolds, I see that it is more complicated than most.

I repeat again, that I am not trying to tell you what to do.

I do want you to better understand your options. If you feel in your heart that going back to X is the right thing, those feelings of desire can come back. Your SO says he no longer loves you. That's because he gave his feelings to OW. If he was to leave OW alone, and come back to you with all his heart, his feelings for you would return.

It is the same with you. You gave your feelings to this man. It's a choice you made. The time you spent, the things you did, all these met needs and so you took love from X, and gave it to SO.

If you went back to X, met his needs, spent time with him, and he learned to meet yours, that love and desire would return.

Oh Tammy, I want you to be happy. You express little hope to be happy where you are at. You know first hand how he works. What do you think he is going to do? Do you honestly think he will come back and commit with all his heart?

Now, you also know X. You know his faults. He failed to meet your needs. You also know his strenghts. You would know if he could do better with another chance. You would know if he could learn, and if he would want another chance. That's what I want you to think about. Take some time, make a list of the pros and cons of your most likely options. Include your childrens needs and desires in the list.

Remember, you have to live with whatever you choose. That's why I want you to be careful. That's why I worry about you. I don't want your heart broken all over again.

It may be that you have been given a great chance, one that not many people get. I want you to at least consider that, and examine the possibilities.

You have some of your best years ahead of you, I want you to live them with no regrets. Remember when you read this, than you have some time. Think about it every day. Pray if you believe in that. Look at your children, think about them. Over a few weeks time, your thoughts will settle down. You will come to know what to do. It may be difficult, but once you know, make up your mind to do it anyway.

I wish you had already read SAA. It would make it plain to you that feelings an be restored. I have seen it. Many on this forum have lived it.

Now, you may have other options to consider. I don't know all that you are thinking. I trust you to look at ALL the options, and choose the BEST ONE. May God bless you to know what will bring you the most happiness.

SS

SS,
I think your input is invaluable. I know, as of this morning that it is time for me to move on. He has made it clear, last night, and this am, that he has no intention of trying. He gave me a check for $5,000 this morning so I can move out. I know, for my own state of mind, that I have to do that.

He has temporarily stopped seeing OW romantically, but I know this is only until I am out of the picture, as he is worried I will call his corporate office and cause him to lose his job. He is up at her new house working right now. I do think he expects to keep me on a string, just in case he gets tired of OW, he can keep his options open. I can't say that he is wrong in thinking that I will be waiting, just in case. I am going to try not to do that. I am going to try to make my own life, with no man involved.

I know there is a possiblity my x and I could eventually get back together, and I am not completely adverse to that. But, right now, I know my feelings are still too deep for Jim to put any real effort into any other relationship. I know going back to my x would be best for my children and make them very happy. But I also know I would have to be 100% sure before I did that, I will not take the chance of hurting him again. I do still love my x, always knew that I loved him. But I also love Jim. Is that possible? I guess so. Just two different types of love. One a calm and comfortable love from knowing someone so well and appreciating the person they are. The other a type of all consuming and passionate love. I know which one is the safest and healthiest type of love. But that type of love often leaves a yearning for something more, some of the passion, I guess. Maybe I read too many romance novels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I could honestly write a book about the drama of my life.

I am trying to be accepting of Jim's decision, I know he feels he is doing what is best for him. I know he honestly believes there is no future for us. He is probably right. I mean, if we are facing these issues before marriage, what kind of h*ll would marriage with him be? I am a rational person and I know what the smart and logical thing to do is. But my heart really hurts right now.

I know my situation is not really appropriate for marriage builders, but I do feel the concepts apply and the input has been a life saver. Who knows, maybe I will need all this wonderful input and advice in trying to rebuild my marriage with my x.
Tammy

Well, I just confirmed my suspicions. He is ending our relationship for the OW. Not any of his other bullcrap excuses. I just got into his e-mail again and it is quite clear that she is very much still in the picture, and further clear that she gave him the ultimatum to choose between us. I am so shaky and upset right now. I just cannot let him get away with this, but I don't know what to do.
HELP!!!!

Tammy

P.S.
I want to confront him with what I found, but I cannot do that. He would never forgive that invasion.
Tammy

I am so angry right now I could scream!!!

Tammy

Well, I've calmed down a little. I am just so sad and hurt. I know I can not force him to change his mind. I will just be nice and affectionate and try not to cry in front of him anymore. I will try not to accuse and ask questions. I know he wants rid of me to be with her. There is nothing I can say or do to change that right now.

He may eventually figure out that she is not the one for him, but that may be a long time and I think if they do not get serious fast, it will be a long, long time. Its not fun for him anymore if it gets serious. The fact that he is her boss (but has alot of bosses himself) will cause them to continue to hide the relationship to a point. Of course, with me gone it will give him a lot more freedom. He is well liked at work and I don't think anyone there will try to make trouble for him. It just kills me to see her get what she wants.

I really want to leave here, so that I can stop setting myself up for his rejection, but I feel the sooner I leave, the sooner it makes it easier for them to be together. I relive the same pain everyday. His rejection and the knowledge that he wants her and does not love me or want me anymore. That hurts so much. Just venting.
Tammy

He actually spent the evening at home last night. Of course he was working on the OW house most of the day yesterday. I think I did much better when he was here. I was pleasant, did not ask him any questions about OW, we simply watched football together.

I slept on the couch last night. I did notice he fell asleep on the other couch, but went up to bed at 2am, by 4am he was back on the couch again. Hmm, I wonder why. I guess he will have to get used to sleeping alone too, although I guess his bed will not be empty for long. He got up and left very early this morning, didn't say where he was going and I didn't ask.

I just feel less anxious when he his here, even though the tension is so high. I just have to get over this apathy. I know I need to go talk to my parents, go find someplace to live, make a decision about work, etc, etc. I feel like I am in limbo. We even talked yesterday about what things I am to take with me and all that stuff. It made me realize that he really just wants me to go.

I know all his talk about just needing to be alone, to get his life straightened out, blah, blah, blah, is just bs. This is about the OW, plain and simple. You know, its stupid, but I am more angry at the OW than I am at him. I know that is wrong, but it is how I feel. I know I did a big no no the other day, told him if I found out that he was seeing the OW after I leave, I will call his corporate office. They have this big "corporate integrity" policy and he knows he would be in deep doo-doo. I know the threat was a big LB, but at this point I really don't think it matters.

I have to go get my kids today, and I hate to bring them back into this situation, but I have no other choice at this time. Don't get me wrong, we are perfectly civil to each other and don't argue. We have seldom ever argued about anything. He basically just clams up and walks away when he is angry, usually without even telling me what he is angry about. Well, I can't write anymore right now, I just get so upset thinking about the whole thing.

I just found a check stub where he wrote her a check for $350 on 4/25/03!!!!

Well, I left him a voice message and emailed him that I do not want him to come home until I am gone. I am so angry right now, I don't think I could control myself if I have to face him.

Tammy,

Just read your story and I am so sad for you right now. Many on this board can relate to the pain and suffering you are now enduring. Please, just let me say, it does get better.

I think it is a good thing that you emailed and told him not to come home until you have moved. Plan B sounds like it was made for your situation. He is continuing to lie and cover up. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He thinks you'll be there for him if this affair is a mistake and he comes to find out down the road that he doesn't really love OW after all.

That is no way to live your life, is it?

By going to Plan B, you can protect the last good feelings you have for him and protect yourself from further emotional harm that he could bring. It is common sense.

Here's another thing. Why should YOU be the one to leave your home? Is it in his name only? I think you are right to stay put, as long as you feel is necessary, say, June. Why should you and the kids have to be removed from their home because of his bad choices?

I don't mean that you should consider staying in the home to be vindictive, but because it is really the only sensible thing for you to do while you put back the pieces of your life without him.

You'll need to get a job, decide where you want to live come June, find a place..... there is a lot to be done. Having to move, right now, does not seem to be a viable alternative for you. He can more easily find himself an apartment or a couch to sleep on at his buddy's place. I hope you will consider this.

As for telling your family and friends, I think the sooner the better. You will need their support to get through this horrible ordeal.

Keep reading, learning, posting. It's a tough road you're on but it will smooth out as you take back some of your power. What he does or doesn't do isn't what matters right now. What matters is protecting yourself and your kids from him.

Peace.

Snow

I see you had a pretty difficult weekend with lots of thoughts still going round your head. Perhaps there is a place to go where you can be safe and have some time to think?

I still encourage you to think about the best LONG TERM options for you and the children. What will make you the happiest over the years, not just for the next few months. Passion can be created, but security, peace, confort, and serenity are sometimes more difficult. I suspect you want all of those, not just one or two. Will they be found in your present relationship?

I think I understand the anguish you feel wondering if you will be able to make a relationship work. I have felt that myself. My W and I re-created the passion we lost by following the 4 rules for a successful marrige as taught by Dr Harley. Please don't feel that you will never be happy, and never find peace. You really can come out of this experiance and have an even better life than what you had going into it.

Don't despair - instead, think, plan, and carry out your plan. Don't let the panic, and the fear rule your thoughts. Cast them out with thoughts of what you really want, and how you can make it work in the future. Carefully consider what you have learned from your experiance. Use the things you have learned to make the future better.

Please take this as encouragement, and I hope you are doing better today.

SS

I thank everybody for your replies. I have left the house. Yes, the house is in his name only, but that isn't the reason. I realized I had to get away from him, I was driving myself crazy and I knew I would keep interfering in his life.

I finally realized he was not trying to chose between the OW and I, he has already chosen. The children are with their father and I am at my parents. Things will be very hard for a while, but I know they will get better. My family, children and x are very understanding and supportive.

I just find myself in limbo right now, I know I need to get up off my butt and put my life in order, but I find that almost impossible. I have advised him I want no contact, in person or by phone, that in case of emergency, he may e mail me or leave me note. I do still have to go back and forth to his house somewhat, but only while he is at work. I really think he is relieved that I am finally gone. Well, more later as things develope.
Tammy

It really doesn't come as a great shock that he betrayed you considering that he was the OM in your last marriage. He's just following a pattern long before he met you and he'll probably dump his present OW as soon as he finds another one. I'm sorry and I know that what I'm about to say is piss poor comfort to you but you're lucky you didn't marry him.

Tammy,

I think it was a very wise decision to leave the house. Though certainly painful, I think time away from the house and away from him will give you the space and distance you need to clear your head and be able to look at the situation from the outside rather than from the inside. I applaud you for your courage and strength. Remember, when you close one door, it always opens up another window.

Take care of yourself.