</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nursedg4:

Oh, one other thing that may be of interest. My ex did file for divorce within first year after I left. That was 3 1/2 years ago and d still not final. I drug my feet for some reason. I now realize maybe it was because I wanted to keep the option open and did not really want the d. I know that sounds cold, but who knows what goes on in the deep recesses of a woman's mind.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could it possibly be that something deep inside you was asking What kind of man is it that has an affair with a married woman with kids? and the answer was Not one that respects the institution of marriage.?

Hi All!
Well, I am feeling much better, I must say. I know this was the best decision for my children and I. He has not made contact and neither have I. I do think being away from him and the whole situation has put things in perspective. The hurt and the anger are already fading somewhat.

Right now I am just confused and scared. Starting over is hard. I did look for a house, and think I may have found one, I have my fingers crossed.

I am talking with my x. Nothing serious, but just having his friendship means so much. It is hard, because everyone expects us to get back to together. I know some of his family resents the fact that I am in the picture at all. Don't get me wrong, its not like I expect to fall back into his wide open arms. But, I know there is still love and a genuine liking for each other, despite everything. So, maybe someday, we may be able to put our marriage back together. Not now, for I do still love J, but I know as we are longer and longer apart, that will change. Just as I fell in love with him, I can also fall out. And just as I fell out of love with my husband, I can fall back, or so I hope.

I need to talk to my husband, to let him know that I have no expectations and am not trying to force my way back into his life. I know he has questions. Its just really hard to find time alone with him to talk about such things. Wish me luck, maybe I will have the opportunity to use all of this wonderful info afterall!!!

Tammy

Tammy I wish you and your loved ones all the best.

One last thing for you to consider, sometimes BS and WS are 'in love' with a ghost and not the real person.

Coffeeman,
I do know what you are saying. AND, maybe it's true.
But, we have had frequent contact throughout our separation, so I really don't feel like I don't know him anymore. I do know that the decision of trying or not trying will be his, not mine. I will never try to force myself back into his life. I know very well how much I hurt him.

The point is, I have no desire to "try" right now either. BUT, I am keeping an open mind to the eventual possiblity. I just have to know what I want. Right now I am just hurting and feeling alone, and I know that I would be using him to fill that void. I WILL NOT DO THAT. I am not a cold or unfeeling person, and I would like to think that I am not that selfish anymore.

I do know that I am not in "Plan B" with J. It is over. Right now all I am trying to do is get a place to live, find a new job and get settled in for my children and I. It just so happens that we will be closer to my husband. For practical reasons, not for any ulterior motive on my part. Is that what you meant? The ghost of my husband, or the ghost of J? Maybe I AM confused and don't know what you mean.

Tammy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Is that what you meant? The ghost of my husband, or the ghost of J? Maybe I AM confused and don't know what you mean."

Tammy</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry for confusing you Tammy.

What I meant by being in love with a ghost was that maybe the man you loved with all your heart (J) was not real. Sure J projected an image of a man who truly loved and cared for you, but in reality it was only just that, an image with no substance. It wouldn't be surprising if after spending more time away from J, and the fog lifts away from your heart, you will begin to realize that he has many faults which make him less than the ideal mate for any woman.

I hope that cleared things a bit.

Thanks Coffeeman!

I know more and more every day that you are exactly right. The more I think about what went on in our relationship, especially during the last year, the more I realize I should have left a long time ago. He really is self centered. I think back now on his behavior and comments and I know he was always really just looking out for #1. My children and I were his last priorities and I think he resented the fact that I had responsibilities that "held him back". I miss him less and less everyday. I also realize it was basically just my children and I alone most of the time anyway. He just came and went as he pleased and lived his life as if we were just additional pieces of furniture in his home. I see this now.

I do have a question. I would like to "open talks" with my husband. I want to be forthright and up front about any fears and/or expectations he or I may have. I am reluctant to broach the subject. Should I or should I just let "nature take its course"? It is weird, but I find myself thinking less and less about J and more and more about Terry (my HUSBAND). Is this normal or am I way out of line?

Also, I know my story is somewhat confusing, if you read my thread from the beginning. I should clarify: I had A for 1 1/2 years while still with my H, then left my H and lived with OM for 3 1/2 years. OM asked me to marry him in 2001, when we thought d was going through.

I should also add that my H has dated 2 or 3 people casually since I left, but no one seriously. He has also had repeated conversations with my mom re my relationship with J and if I would ever come back, etc. So, I think there is interest on his part, but I do not in any way take that as a given.

Do I sound completely flaky? I know it seems as if I have completely changed my mind about what I want. I wanted J and now since I can't have him, I want my H. I really don't think its like that. It's more like I finally see what and who I gave up and for who and what I gave them up. I know I was so wrong and stupid, and selfish, and immature, and so on and so on. Is there hope to rebuild my marriage after all the drama and pain and time?

Tammy

I do have a question. I would like to "open talks" with my husband. I want to be forthright and up front about any fears and/or expectations he or I may have. I am reluctant to broach the subject. Should I or should I just let "nature take its course"? It is weird, but I find myself thinking less and less about J and more and more about Terry (my HUSBAND). Is this normal or am I way out of line?

It would be normal to be thinking more about Terry. It is consistent to think about J when you are with J. It's only when you get away from him that you can think about T. As far as talking, you can do what ever feels easier for you, but I recommend talking up front, not leaving it to take it's course. You can ask him point blank to talk to you, you can get a copy of SAA and give to him with a note: "I have been doing lots of thinking lately. I have also learned a great deal about what happened to us. Please read this book and then I would like to talk to you if you are willing."
Note, this is just a sample, and if you so something similar, you should change it to be more "you." I don't intend for you to use what I write, it's just for ideas.

If you want to talk, it helps if both of you are on the same page - so to speak. Him reading SAA would give him background both to understand what happened, and to realize things can be saved if he wants to save them. It would also give him help understanding how to make recovery work if that is what both of you want.

I should also add that my H has dated 2 or 3 people casually since I left, but no one seriously. He has also had repeated conversations with my mom re my relationship with J and if I would ever come back, etc. So, I think there is interest on his part, but I do not in any way take that as a given.

You are far along in your thought processes. Yes, you are wise not to assume what he is thinking. One of the things it would be wise to do if you talk is to apologize for the hurt. Also know that this is going to take some time, and probably some tears before it's over. It will not be a really easy thing, so please prepare yourself, and try not to get discouraged when you have setbacks, for they will surely come.

Do I sound completely flaky? I know it seems as if I have completely changed my mind about what I want. I wanted J and now since I can't have him, I want my H. I really don't think its like that. It's more like I finally see what and who I gave up and for who and what I gave them up. I know I was so wrong and stupid, and selfish, and immature, and so on and so on. Is there hope to rebuild my marriage after all the drama and pain and time?

You don't sound flaky. You sound like someone that just realized something important. Tammy, we all make mistakes. There is no way to go back and undo things now. You can only go on and see if you can turn it into good. There is always hope, and in your case, since you are still married to T, there may be an even better chance than most have.

BTW, the reason I suggest giving him SAA and letting him read it first is that you have learned a lot since you first came here. You now believe you have a chance, but he does not know any of what you know, and it would take you a long time to explain in conversations what he could understand easily by reading the book. I think it would jump start your chances and make it much easier for both of you.

I sincerely hope you are happier already. I hope this works for you.

SS

Tammy I totally agree with still seeking's post and wanted to recommend that you also read Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder' (It fills in the gaps of Harley's 'Surviving An Affair' with regards to recovery) as well as Dr Willard Harley's books 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'.

If your H brings up the topic of reconciliation make it a point to have the two of you fill out the ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) as well as reading the Harley books as well as Dave Carder's book. If the two of you do this, then both of you can be on the same track as far as marital recovery. The ultimate goal is for both of you to follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage that will the two of you create a truly happy and healthy marriage.

This can be a wonderful time for you and your H to rediscover one another.

Good luck and God bless.

Sorry it's been so long!!
Well, my H and I are getting back together. We have talked extensively about EN and completed the questionaire and discussed it. He is an amazingly forgiving person. A very good man. I always knew this, but thought him "boring". I now know that is not true. It's all in my attitude and the way I look at him and our marriage. Even after 3 1/2 years, he still loves me, and I do love him.

He has had some questions about the A, and I have answered as truthfully as I can. There have been some tears, mostly on my part. I sincerely apologized, and I think knows I mean it. I do still think of J occ, but in a distant kind of way. I have only spoke with him once, to make arrangements for me to get the rest of my stuff.

So, I think it would be appropriate for me to move to recovery forum, as I guess my H and I are now in recovery. So far everything is going well, we have spent lots of time together, alone and with the children. The major problem at this point has been some members of his family. He basically told them that this makes him happy, and if they truly care about him, they should be glad. I do understand their concern, and have told Terry this, they do not want him to get hurt again. But, it is our decision, and the decision is made, we are going to make this marriage work.

I have every faith that we can rebuild our marriage, and actually make it stronger than it ever was. We have decided, it is best for T, it is best for me, and it is best for our children. Everyone else will either have to accept it or work around it, it is, after all, our lives.

Tammy

Tammy that is wonderful news and I have no doubt that you and your H can make this NEW marriage of yours into a much, much happier and healthier one than the previous one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

On another topic, can you recommend a good over the counter cough/expectorant for yours truly? This cough is driving me nuts because it has forced me, out of love for my DW, to sleep in the living room so she can get a good nights rest and has curtailed my workout regime severely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So, tell us how you were able to make this work in so short a time. I suspect there may be otherw that will want to know.

SS