Maybe someone can help me. My brother in law is very attracted to me. I have always known this and have told several people including my husband. I have been attracted to him but have always avoided and dismissed him. Last weekend we kissed, and not like you kiss your grandmother. It lasted about 15 minutes. He confessed he is in love with me and wants me to "Be his". I love my husband and would never leave him. I am guilt ridden. Should I tell my husband?? He is a very jealous man. He will hurt him and will never talk to him again. He will also be very hurt by me. I don't want to do this to him. He is not very attentive. In fact we only make love about 6 or 7 times a year. This man, my brother in law, looks at me like my husband used to look at me. HELP!!!!

Confusedandwanted,<P>You have an obligation to tell your husband that there is something wrong!. Your actions at this point are not a sin and I don't thing you need to tell H. But tell H that you have needs! Tell him exactly what kind of needs you want... Don't let there be a mistake in you needs. It may not hurt to tell him you mind is wandering and it could be more than your mind if your needs are not met. <P>Something that may help is to do something totally out of the ordinary for him. This may start a flame that you both may enjoy. Don't give up at just one out of the ordinary either. If one don't work keep trying others. Trust me it will work!!!

Welcome <B>Confusedandwanted</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>A slight change to my normal welcome wagon message...<P>WHOOOAAAAAAA!!!!!!<BR>Cease and desist!!!!!<BR>What you are doing is putting your life (as you know it... as your husband knows it... and any and all family know it...) down the toilet!!!! <B>BIG TIME</B>...<P>Iam immdiately reminded of quote from the 'bible' of this forum... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please... take these words seriously!!!<P>Now for my normal welcome wagon...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards... that would be you!) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If you really recognize the peril of waht you have done... and decide get back into the value of your marriage... jump upon a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>. This is normally the recommndation for the betrayed... but the betrayer may need this route once the betrayed finds out... and they normally will!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Not evenfor waywards... there are many here who realize that they <B>must</B> rebuild their marriage!!!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on... These apply equally to the wayward as well as the betrayed!!!<BR>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through alot of emotional turmoil right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Seek out the "betrayers"... a tough word... if you prefer... use "wayward"!!!<P>Yes... in time you will need to tell your H.. If there is any chance to build/rebuild... <B>honesty</B> of your actions... must be addressed!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 20, 1999).]

You know I have always prided myself as a "non-cheater". I can't tell you how rotten I feel. Terrible, crumby. I love my husband and have told him he needs to be more attentive if he expects me to stay in the marriage. The simple fact is that I would never leave him. Not for anyone. He will be hurt by this. Deeply. Especially when he finds out it is his brother. He may even leave me. I will wait for a while and carry the guilt. I will be good around his brother and avoid him at all costs. He is married and has a child on the way. I only worry about when his wife leaves him, and she expects to after Christmas. I am afraid his brother will tell him before I do. He may show up on the doorstep and confess his love to me. This scares me. He scares me. But again I will be good. For the sake of me marriage, my children and me.

Confusedandwanted,<P>There is a pot out there right <B>now</B>... a bit long but do take some time to check it out... click here..<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010960.html" TARGET=_blank>Advice needed on how Betrayer can tell H of affair?</A><P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

My husband is a very jealous man, as well. I told him of my emotional affair, because he asked and because I felt he should know. We are on our way to recovery. Read all the articles Jim suggested and post to us, it will help. Take care!<P>And try not to worry about your brother-in-law and their relationship. You just need to be concerned and focused on your marriage.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Raskal (edited December 20, 1999).]

I ALMOST cheated on my W several times. The last 2 months I was actually (although unconsciously) looking for somebody. It would probably be my W posting today if she hadn't moved faster. What I can say is:<P>1. Say NO.<BR>2. Work on the other issues in your marriage, most likely your needs are not been satisfied (case but may be something else) or you wouldn't be in doubts.<P>It can be said: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. And work on the needs.<P>Alex<BR><P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

You know Alex. I wish it were that simple. Since writing this I have done some soul searching. I don't know if it is possible to save my marriage. Either way I don't want to cheat on my husband with his brother. I have (in the past couple of days) tried to talk to my husband about our problems, most of which involves sex. He is indifferent. I feel it is a very big part of marriage. I like sex very much and he avoids me. In the begining I would push him. Practically beg him. But then I thought that maybe if I avoided the subject it would just come naturally. But it didn't it. It just got worse. We were having sex less and less as the years went by. What do I do?? It's been about 6 years that this pattern has been developing and I am tired. Very tired. I love the security of having someone and he is really a nice guy. But.....It feels like I am just a room mate. He comes home from work, watches tv or plays on the computer and I am alone. Again what do I do???<P>Confused and wanted????<BR> <BR>NO....just plain confused.

When you feel unwanted by your spouse, feeling wanted by anyone else is a big boost to the ego. No surprise it is so eagerly grasped by so many. Your case is exceptional in that it is, excuse the phrase,<BR>"a family affair". This is a road filled with potholes, do not go down it. Go back to the basic principles here, try deposits in the love bank, try for more shared time, watch TV with your H (even stupid football games).<P>If you are really worried about BIL talking to your H, tell him yourself that a kiss turned out more than familial (I would not at this time go into details about the length of time it lasted).<P>Hey a good man is not all that easy to find.<BR>Sometimes we have to help them a bit, be the best woman you can and you may see a change.

Confusedandwanted:<P>I would recommend that you seek counseling through your church or some organization. Here is where the policy of honesty is really important. You have not cheated on your H, but the temptation is clearly there. You have also identified the problem (your sex life). <P>I guess before you let your marriage deteriorate to the point that it cannot be saved you need to have a long hard talk with H. Tell him what is going on and how you feel. You love him and you need him in many ways not just as a wage earner. You might consider showing him this site. It may well open his eyes to how hard it is to recover a marriage once it reaches the point of infidelity.<P>Finally, I must ask you questions. You came here because you fear cheating on your H. Is it possible that he is cheating on you and that is why the sex drive is gone? Has he had a physical? Were things pretty good in the beginning? Have you changed in someway that may be affecting him? <P>You don't have to answer these question here if you don't want to, but you need to answer them for yourself and then act on the answers.<P>Don't give up yet. It is clear that you are tempted. It is also clear you appreciated what cheating on your H would mean to you and your H especially with his brother. It sounds like you have your head on straight. It is time to do some heavy lifting and talk with your H with candor and honesty.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Have you filled out the needs survey together? My wife asked me about six months before her affair and I refused, no real reason, just thought it was stupid touchy feely stuff. Dumb dumb dumb. It really helps pinpoint where to concentrate your efforts if you are having trouble. Sounds like sex might be your number one or two need. Seeing something like that may wake him up, esp. if he realizes that people who's needs don't get met in the marriage will get them met somewhere else.