Well, I guess I was a fool for allowing myself to get my hopes up, or allowing myself to think that I might be able to at least help him from destroying his life.

Just found out a couple hours ago that I already lost, his OW is pregnant. I knew what she was, and knew that she would do this, but by the time I found out it was already to late. I knew that I was on a timer, I just had no idea that the timer was already up. He told me all the details about her (4 kids with 4 different guys) on Sunday, and he had found out last week sometime that she was already pregnant. What a fool I am. And he didn't even apologize, or act like he was sorry at all for what he's done to me or our marriage. Its done, I'm gone, and she can have him and ruin his life, and when she gets sick of him she can just expose his child to the same thing, bringing in a new guy whenever she sees someone she wants and ruin his child's life. And she can give him "visitation rights" so he can on weekends see his baby and then take half his money and assets to pay for his child's welfare (or rather just take care of herself since that's obviously all she cares about).

Since all this started I've done nothing but try to save our marriage, all during our marriage I made all kinds of sacrifices to make him happy. One of the reasons I wanted to get married in the first place was I wanted to have kids, but it was never the "right time". And then eventually it just turned into him not really wanting kids. And now, after a two month affair, he has given this woman what I've wanted for five years, a child. After he told me, in a moment of pure stupidity on my part (this man doesn't want me) I told him I'd raise the child with him if that's what he wanted. He of course doesn't want that, he would rather just send me away and allow his child to be raised by a woman that will offer it no stability or safety. I asked him what he was going to do, what he wanted to do, and he has no idea, it either hasn't even registered in his pathetic little mind that he's responsible for a baby, a new life that will call him dad, or he just doesn't care about that either.

I don't need this, I've been willing to go 110% to fix our marriage, I was willing to raise another woman's child as my own, but he just looks at me like I'm trash. I'm done.

Hi there again.

First of all I feel so sorry for your situation and all the pain you're suffering.

Seems to me that confused doesn't even begin to describe your H's state of mind. Is he still living with you and if so, why? Tell him to go and live with OW and be a father to her soon to be five children, if that's what he wants. Incidentally I think he should be the one to move out, not you.

Alternatively he could decide to give up OW and agree to work exclusively on the M. His legal obligations towards his child can be sorted out later. It seems to me that it's time for him to make a decision because you can't go on like this - it's too painful for you. You need what on this site is called Plan B and you can't do that with him in the same house.

We should be in Plan B, probably should have been a week or two ago, but unfortunately there really is no where for either of us to go right now. I'm not going to try to force him out of our home, and when the time comes I'll be much happier in CA near family and being back in a place that I loved when I was a child.

It turns out that she and her children live at her parent's house, which I suppose is the reason when I have asked him to leave he wasn't able to. He obviously can't stay there, and at this point, despite the anger in my earlier post tonight, I really don't think it would be the best thing to do right now.

I know I'm probably at risk of getting smacked with a cyber 2x4 for saying this, but I feel I need to be his friend while I'm still here. I'm hurting yes, but at the same time, his entire life is in total chaos, and right now there really is no one around here for him to talk to. You see, before tonight I "kinda" knew that our marriage was over, now I know it is pretty much written in stone. It hurt to hear that she is pregnant, but it wasn't the huge shock that you would probably expect. After hearing about her on Sunday, I knew that something like this would happen. Wasn't expecting it quite this soon but after all the disappoint of the last month, and knowing what she is, it wasn't a real shock.

In any case I feel that the only appropriate action I can take is to bow out gracefully when it's feasible for me to leave, and in the meantime be his friend when he needs to talk, and nudge him into getting counseling for the sake of that child. At this point, as far as our relationship is concerned, that child is going to need all the help he/she can get and if I can make a positive impact before I go I will at least feel I've accomplished something .

I know that I am probably being rediculous, but when I'm in CA I have plans to take care of me, and will put myself first when I get out there and get my own life in a better state. There is simply to much at stake now to worry about myself though while I'm still here. That woman has given every indication she is a bad mother and bad person.

When he was still wavering in whether or not he wanted to try to save the marriage, she took it upon herself to manipulate the situation by leaving hickies on his neck, telling me that she was sleeping with my husband. She has allowed a married man to be a part of her children's lives, exposing them to a man that is clearly lacking in morality, integrity and honesty. And she spends most of her free time with my husband (at wal mart no less). In the past month they have stayed out till nearly 10pm every night, very often much later, leaving her children in her parent's care. In other words, except on Sunday afternoons and evenings, she has spent very little time with her children for at least the past month.

I realize that there is very little I can do to sway the situation over the next 1 1/2 months. But at the least I can support him while he works through the chaos he's dealing with, and hopefully drive home the fact that he needs counseling, and that he needs to open his eyes that he is going to have to be a parent.

I truly hope that I am wrong about this woman for my husband's sake and for that child's sake. We have no children and I feel it would be wrong to push to save our marriage when there is a child that will need him to be a father. I realize this is a mess he's gotten himself into, but at the same time I really can't put myself or our marriage before a child. I also can't really turn my back on him right now when he's dealing with all this.

SIO - ummm just to restate Plan B = what?

NO CONTACT ..LOL remember that when you are lying in the sun and sipping a drink <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .. DO NOT CALL HIM OR LET HIM CALL YOU... unless he wants to recommit to your marriage and have no contact with OW and even then have him call you mom first. - hugs to you - JMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: J.A.N ]</small>

*nods at J.A.N* Yeah, no contact I know. And put that 2x4 away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I read back over my last post and scratched my head wondering why I would think letting him continue to use me as a shoulder to cry on when I leave would do any good. Hmm, guess I'm feeling a little cynical about him right now but the last couple days I've been thinking a lot more of the situation he's put me in.

1. He cheated on me

2. He got another woman pregnant

3. He's aware of the fact that when I get to CA I'm going to be financially dependant on my parents until I can find a job, and given that I have no job skills (thanks him telling me for the last 5 years he likes me being at home) it's going to be really rough to land on my feet. And despite all that, he is still pushing really hard to make me leave here sooner then planned even though there are a ton of businesses around here within walking distance that if I stayed a few months I could at least afford to get a cheapo car when I get there, which would give me more options as far as finding a job when I get there.

4. The only help he's offered is getting me contact lenses and a drivers license, and acted very noble about it. Things he should have helped me with 3 1/2 years ago, and fails to realize they aren't things I could just do on my own (can't get a DL without being able to see, can't get a job without some form of ID, can't get contacts without money) (and btw I have both now so at least that's taken care of).

5. Everything has taken place in the course of a little over a month, and yet he and the OW are frustrated that I'm taking to long to move on with my life.

As it stands right now there is a very good possibility that the OW is going to miscarry or already has (she still hasn't gone to a doctor yet). There is another possibility as well, maybe she's just faking it. Either the pregnancy as a whole or the problems she's having. I know that's a bit of a stretch but at this point I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was doing that just to put pressure on him to force me out.

In any case I will do Plan B properly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . As a matter of fact I will be very happy to exorcise the Jerry Springer-esqe issues in my life. I will write a very nice PB letter for him and get on with my life. I realize now that while he very likely will try to contact me, he would be doing it out of selfishness. He still wants to keep pieces of me in his life, hopefully though, by removing myself from him completely he will get it through his rather thick skull that he misses me and might possibly rethink what he's doing.

2x4 ....? who me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> holding it behind my back trying to hide it.. hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm LOL

J.A.N drops the 2x4 and starts clapping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Good for you !

PS: again what does Plan B = no contact ( see no yelling this time )

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: J.A.N ]</small>

oops - posted it twice ..

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: J.A.N ]</small>

Sio,

Perhaps it is not my place to comment but I have seen this in a number of your posts and I have to say something.

Several of your H's actions seem to be about control.

He chooses to keep you at home, with no license, no access to family money and without being able to literally see clearly for 3 1/2 years?! Basically without any means to ever do something for yourself.

To me it seems that he has wanted you to be solely dependent on him. To me it reeks of control and possibly abuse. I'm sure somebody else can comment on this better than I can.

Again now he wants you out earlier and it just so happens that it would hinder your ability to take care of yourself? His actions make you dependent on someone else rather than yourself? Again CONTROL!!!

Sio, pls, Plan B, NO contact. Use the time to make yourself as strong as possible.

Cerri Star*fish or anyone else able to comment on this?

Lots of prayers in your direction.

jgnc, I welcome your insights and honestly that is something (regarding the control) that my family members have pointed out as well. I think though it was more a matter of laziness and apathy (of which we were both guilty before the affair) and not so much a need for power or worse a form of abuse. I understand though that sometimes a person in my particular position might make excuses or rationalize his or her partner's behavior, so I will keep an eye both his and my behavior and give it a lot more thought.

Tonight has been an interesting night though. I've known for the last week or so that the fog was lifting, he has been acting more and more like his old self and he broke down in tears apologizing for everything he has done. He doesn't want me to leave on Wed now. He hasn't told her yet about NC, but tomorrow he is meeting a friend after work to see about a different job (he and OW work at the same place). He knows NC is required, he is concerned more though about possibly losing his job if she reacts badly to the situation, and she may try to sabotage him as far as work goes. He has also mentioned returning to the Army.

I don't doubt the sincerity of what he has said tonight, I do have reservations that he will feel the same way tomorrow. He is also concerned about the prospect of leaving me here alone if he should return to the Army (he'll have to go a few weeks before I can join him). That concern is based on OW's irrational behavior and earlier threats against me.

Then finally there is the problem with the pregnancy. One of his supervisors who has known OW for a long time doubts she's even really pregnant. There is also the possibility of her miscarrying or has already miscarried (strangely though, she still hasn't filed the paperwork for insurance, I would think if you were pregnant you would do that as quickly as possible, especially if you were worrying about a possible miscarriage), and then finally there is a chance that the child is not even his. But, the fact remains in 9 months there might be a child of his in the world. This might be the only child he will ever be able to have (he has a medical condition that may make it extremely unlikely of ever having another), and I know he would want to be a part of that child's life. NC with OC won't really be an option for him. The real problem is, OW hates me, if I stay I have no doubt she will use that child as a weapon. She will also be pretty much a part of our lives forever.

I really have no idea what to do. OW is playing mind games with my husband, she has done everything in her power to manipulate the situation (and did a fine job of pushing him back to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). I'm supposed to leave on Wed, and I still may end up going. I'm just not sure how we can (or if we should) make any plans for recovery while we're still unsure if there is even a pregnancy.

It's just very frustrating because I feel like she is playing with us. I found out tonight that her fourth child is the result of an affair, that man died in a car accident, and apparently his wife knew nothing of the affair or OC, OW barged into her life while she was grieving the lose of her husband and demanded social security benefits. This woman seems purely heartless, and I have no doubt she will do everything in her power to cause us as much damage as she can, and with a child she will have a LOT of power. The sad fact is, in the long run, my husband, myself and OC will probably be much better off if I'm no longer in the picture. It sickens me that a person like that has so much power over our lives, but if she does have his baby she will have us pretty much under her thumb.

I really hope someone will read this and be able to give some sound advice on what my husband and I should do. If there is no OC we will be okay I think, recovery will be hard and there are of course no guarantees but at least it will be on our terms. If OW is in fact pregnant with his child though, I have no idea what to do other then just leave which is exactly what I don't want to do.

Sio,

I never received an email from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So sorry I didn't realize sooner that you had sent one. I haven't been on the board as much lately either. It sounds as though things have changed dramatically since we last talked. Sio....more than ever...you need good professional help to overcome these issues. I implore you to call cerri today and make an appt. to find out what steps you should be taking. I am gratified to see that this OW is LBing left and right. You have done extremely well. I think there is also a great deal of hope that this women is not pregnant and even if she is...that the child is not necessarily your husband's. Talk to cerri before leaving for CA. I don't know if she is on the board today, but if not....email or call her with the address and phone number on this site: http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/pages/1/index.htm

(((((((((((((((((sio))))))))))))))))))))))

*hugs* Star*Fish Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'll see what he says tonight how he would feel about instead of spending the money we had set aside for the trip, we use it for counseling with Cerri.

The reason I never emailed you was I just felt kind of bad about it. I understand you made the offer, but I felt uncomfortable burdening you further, and I assume you probably get a great deal of email from others. I don't know if that makes any sense .

We'll see what happens tonight though, I'm a little concerned that now that he's going to backtrack from everything he said last night.

Well bleh...he did backtrack. Not in the way I was expecting though. He broke up with her yesterday, she sent him an email saying there was proof on his desk at work that she is in fact pregnant.

The problem is, this "proof" was the letter she got when she applied for medicaid. He saw one positive pregnancy test (before there was a chance of miscarriage, and nothing that a blue marker wouldn't take care of). The test she took when she was applying for medicaid came back as negative though, but they put the paperwork through anyway since she had a positive home test. She has also not filed the paperwork yet, and claims to have been having symptoms of possible miscarriage for the last 1 1/2 weeks.

So, to put it simply, and even assuming she's not lying through her teeth about everything. She had 1 positive test about 4 weeks ago. Then 3 weeks ago she had a negative test when she was filing for medicaid, but they put it through anyway just in case and gave her that letter saying she was pregnant, and the letter she received is the "proof" she gave my husband. In the past 1 1/2 weeks she has been having symptoms of miscarriage, hasn't taken another pregnancy test, and hasn't filed the paperwork yet to get the ball rolling so she can go see a doctor. Am I wrong to believe a blind monkey would see through this and know she's manipulating him?

In any case he of course had to call her about it (I don't even blame him, this is a potentially his first child for pete's sake). However, he realized after talking to her that if he goes NC with her, and she is in fact pregnant, he will have doubts and regrets the rest of his life. His feelings for me haven't changed, he doesn't want to lose me, but we both know if we have any chance he needs to immerse himself in that life and fall on his face and know for himself that she's wrong for him.

I have no doubt in my mind that his relationship with her will fail, probably soon. I think he knows that too. He said today though that he knows if there is any chance for us I need to get away from here, and I agree. For one thing, NC with her for now would be next to impossible till he secures another job, and also, because of the child, he really isn't able to completely remove himself from the situation (which I don't blame him for, in his shoes I'd feel the same way).

I know you all think that he is the one that should leave, but in all honesty if we get back together I will have to move away from here anyway, I can't stay in this town or even this state. There really isn't much here for me, and just a lot of pain if I stayed knowing he was on the other side of town with her. As odd as it sounds, I'm more hopeful then I have been since all this started. He knows what's going on, he realizes it's a chemical addiction, he knows that he and OW are incompatible, and has a great deal of concerns about the sort of person she is. He knows he loves me, and doesn't want me out of his life. I think he also knows that in the end he will want to be with me, but because of the possible child, he has to fall on his face so he won't have regrets or doubts.

Sio - Come stay with me. I live in California, in a dumpy little mobile home 6 blocks from the beach. But it is like living in paradise. You can get your drivers license here and there are lots of jobs. I think you need to take a break from H and OW. He is in a big mess and doesn't seem to realize it. A couple of months away from him will do you good, and then he will realize what he has lost.

*hugs* thanks Believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I may take you up on that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Actually I got my license here in Tx (finally!) unfortunately I won't get the actual card for a week or two <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so he'll have to mail it out to me.

It is DEFINITELY time for plan B, my husband is a walking trainwreck right now, I still love him, but I'm seriously starting to lose respect for him (okay I've probably lost all respect for him). It's just pathetic, (just a little story for you) when I was in high school, I got involved with a much older guy, I had it bad for him, I later found out that he was married, and I just flat out ended it with him. Cold turkey. I felt like I was going to die but even when I was 17 I knew that messing around with another woman's husband was wrong and cruel. Granted, I should have never gotten involved with someone that much older, but geez, if a 17 year old knows that's the wrong thing to do, and can just end it despite how much it hurts, what excuse does a grown man have? Or the OW?

<small>[ November 22, 2003, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Sio ]</small>

Sio - Come on out. I live in Oceanside, home of the United State Marine Corps. I have an extra room, soon as I get H to move his stuff out. I'm an old lady - 55, but I'm sure you would enjoy it here. There is a pool, and you can learn to surf -my kids, 18 and 22 will teach you. You can stay for a couple of months, and when H comes to his senses, you can go back to Texas with a great tan. He doesn't know what he has in you. Let him be with OW and get out of there.

Thank you Believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I truly appreciate the offer, I think my mom would kill me though if I didn't come stay with her and my dad hehe. It's been years since I have seen them, and while she's not at all happy with the circumstances she's thrilled that I'm going to be out there soon. I'm not thrilled about the circumstances either but I'm really looking forward to being back in my home state at least for awhile.

It was actually a nice weekend. On Friday after everything happened, and we decided I needed to go after all, I asked him to promise me not to go see OW until I'm gone. He actually kept that promise this weekend. I also caught him looking up jobs in CA. It doesn't answer any of the really important questions, but at least I have slightly less doubt of his sincerity.

Sio,

I'm glad to see that your H is coming out of the fog. I am sorry that you see him backtrack. It seems that this can be a real hard time, watching a spouse waver back and forth.

About my previous post, I guess its the kind of thing that is usually begun with "I hope I'm wrong but here's what I see..." I tend to have an eye for control issues because I am predisposed to behave in the same way. It's strange how we can behave contrary to everything we believe in simply because of what we grew up with.

Good luck as you move to CA.

Thanks jgnc <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am truly looking forward to being away from here. I know what you are saying btw, about the control thing, you are right. I see it too if I really look, but for now till I get away I'm not really allowing myself to look that closely. I should probably be in a padded room hehe. I decided not to think about that though till I'm out of here and safe. I also know deep down that we may not get back together but I am not letting myself think about that yet. I also know that despite the fact that his OW is a very questionable person, he may be better off with her (?) maybe that's what he really wants.

He backtracked even more today. He spoke with one of her friends at work, who said that everyone else in the office were telling him bad things about OW as some sort of conspiracy. She claimed that while a lot of it was true, OW is trying to turn over a new leaf (must rant...she's turning over a new leaf? by sleeping with a married man? by doing nothing to confirm she's still pregnant after 4 weeks, 1 negative test, and symptoms of miscarriage for 2 weeks, and giving him the "proof" that she got simply because she filed for medicaid and that was the test that came back negative? She's becoming a better person by calling me to torment and taunt me? She's turning over a new leaf by treating him like trash for a week then when she wants him back being all sweet and nice? Or proving what a good mother she is by spending no time with her children for a month? okay done ranting *takes a deep breath*)he of course swallowed the "new leaf" thing whole.

Anyway this is my prediction. I think when he gets back from driving me to CA she will in the week after, claim she had a miscarriage. I think all of it was just a ruse to make me get out of here (he will of course stay with her because she's gone through "so much!". Then, after a few months or so, the "wants what she can't have but when she get it doesn't want it anymore" thing will kick on in her head, and she will start getting bored with him, and probably start wanting him to watch her kids when she goes out lol. Hopefully at this point his self preservation instincts will kick in.

Anyway I'm just sort of babbling here hehe. My biggest worry is that my self preservation instincts will kick in before his do, and at that point I won't want to bother with him or our marriage anymore.

Sorry to hear of the continuing backtrack.

The thing that keeps me sane is remembering that this is going to be hard, recovery is going to be hard but I made a choice to stick with this.

I don't know anything about being in Plan B but remember, the reason for it is to protect what love that you have for him still and to protect yourself from the A. That's why NC is so important. He will likely go through hell w/ OW and may try and turn to you for support then, NC is there for you to be protected from this. The question will be, what will your self preservation instincts tell you when he calls agreeing to NC and MC? and will you listen to those instincts?

Anyways, I'm much better at giving advice than taking it. Yet anther gift from my father <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I slipped into anger/depression last night after noticing an e.mail form OM in her inbox last night. His name was gone from her IM friends list so I was getting hopeful that Plan A was working. Now I don't know.

Well, I made it to CA and am in full plan B mode now. I'll post again in a few days but just wanted to say thanks to all of you for the support and help through the plan A phase. I will post more in a few days, I'm just still sort of weirded out by the trip and the newness of the seperation.