Hello everyone,
and many thanks to all who helped me find the strength to live. I have had several affairs, some just sex, others I thought was love. My husband recently found out about one and I came clean. Things have been good and bad. It is a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I cry and we cry together and some days are like heaven. I am truly sorry for all of the affairs. I cannot give my husband some of the answers he so much deserves, but I have promised to try to. I am finally getting some IC and we also are going to marriage counseling. I am just incredibly grateful for another chance. I truly love him and together we will work on being in love. We have a long road to travel but at least he and I are willing to try. My question is how long does the fog last. Some days I feel like giving up, but I owe it to my family to hang in there and try to figure out the cause of my behaviours. I hope that we can recover. I am having a hard time with some things and right now all I can do is be honest with him (H). It feels so good not to have to lie. I thank all of you for all of your advice. Coach esp, you said some things that changed my life.
Please respond anyone who can help.

Hi Nikol,

I am glad you are back and that you two are trying to recover the marriage. The fog will clear as you get through withdrawal. That can take from a few weeks to months, depending on the length of the most recent affair. It seems to vary from one person to the next.

I am glad that your H was and is willing to try. Now matter if you are in the "fog" or not, I would like to ask you to consider something. This is taking a lot out of you, right? Well, imagine what it is taking out of your H?? Even if you don't feel much love for him right now, or "in-love" with him he will need your help to hang in there until you make it through withdrawal.

What can you do?? You can honestly thank him for staying with you and working on this. You can acknowledge that you realize how hard this is for him. You can touch him, and be near him. You can LOVE him ( mean love as a verb), even if you are not "in-love' with him. The latter term is a description of a feeling, but the former is an action that you consciously decide to do.

He will have huge trust issues, but right now if you do these things and you are honest with him, you will find he will have the energy and the patience to hang in there with you. To get his help you will need to help him. Try to meet his needs as part of loving him.

Must go, I look forward to hearing more from you. You might want to tell us what is bothering you.

God Bless,

JL

Congratulations nikol. It took a lot of guts to finally come clean with your H, BUT you found out something truly wonderful, his love for you is still very much alive.

As far as how long the fog will last, it depends on the individual. You have to remember that withdrawl is a one day at a time war. If it is unbearable for you to think of never contacting the OM, then don't and just say to yourself at the beginning of each day that as far as today is concerned, you are not going to contact him. Eventually, it will become easier and easier until one day you will no longer feel the need or desire to see him. Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, this is how I was able to stay sober for the last 20 years.

Good luck and God bless.

Thanks JL and Coffeeman,
Your replies really help alot. I guess what is really bothering me is that I have started IC and am trying really hard to find out why I had the affairs and deal with alot of past even childhood feelings. I am very committed to starting over with my H and being open and honest with him and with myself. As you can imagine my H has alot of questions that he feels I must answer in order for us to move on. I feel rushed because I dont have a single answer for him there are several reasons I think. He asks me very specific questions as you can imagine like was it the sex?, were the men younger or more handsome? the list goes on. I know he is questioning his own manhood right now, but all I feel like I can do or say is that I love you and I thank you for another chance. I hope to be able to give him specific answers to his ??????'s in time, but how much info should I share. I know honesty is honesty. I am afraid that my counseling will open up alot of bad feelings. I do plan to stick it out though. He has alot of mixed feelings about MC and is not sure he wants to continue. He has often said its not me who had the affairs, is he right to not go back. I am afraid this will tear us apart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but how much info should I share.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nikol

Only give him the information HE requests. Don't volunteer ANY information unless he asks for it, and only after you ask him if he is sure that he truly wants to know the details. The range of info BS's want from their WS's spans from wanting to know every detail (no matter how gory) to not wanting to know anything. What may help is to suggest to him if it wouldn't be better if the two of you set a time during the week (one or two hours during one or two days of the week) where you could talk openly about the affair. This is not to avoid it, but to not let it completely dominate your lives and to give each other the much needed breathing time to reflect by yourselves so that when the day and time arrived to talk about the affair, the two of you could be more productive in regards to his questions and your answers.

You are right that many of his questions are a result of his questioning his manhood but you might want to counter that it wasn't his manhood that was the issue but that MAYBE it was your womanhood that you were questioning when you had your affairs.

I think the fog is lifting already because you:

1. are here,
2. want to change even though it's scary,
3. love your H enough to change yourself,
4. are ready to listen to words of wisdom,
5. take action.

It's a scary time for you. We're here when you need us.

I admire your courage.