A while ago someone directed a post to me asking for help to find the courage to expose or confront. It was last week I think and while we were running back and forth with every imaginable appointment possible.
I've been giving that question a lot of thought and as I always do, tying it to what is going on in my life right now. I looked for the thread, I wanted to reply there, but I couldn't find it - so this is the reply. It is generic to the topic and I hope you all give it some thought.
The things you need to do in order to say you've done a good Plan A are pretty scary. Not the meeting needs part - everyone jumps on that, gets that part. But as I've written about over and over again, Plan A is far more than being Mr. Nice Guy. (or Ms. Nice Guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
Plan A is a strategy to end the affair. And as such there are steps you need to take to rock the affair boat, create conflict in that relationship and expose it to the scrutiny and disapproval of the people closest to the straying spouse.
I'm not going to go into the reasons for those things, you've all seen me write about them over and over. What I do want to talk about is how do you bring yourself to do things which are so out of your everyday experience and so very very frightening?
Lets look at another situation if you don't mind. What if you found out through some chance of fate that you or your mate or your child had some life-threatening or lifestyle threatening illness?
And what if this illness required things like painful tests, experimental procedures, treatment with drugs that had possible significant side effects? What if you had to battle with your insurance company, or goddess forbid - what if you had no insurance? What if you had to sit by your child's side in a hospital bed after surgery and explain to them that they were not going to come home for a while? What if - terrible thought - you had done something to bring this illness on?
Do you forgo treatment because it's scary? Do you pass on the tests because they hurt? Do you skip surgery because it hurts and it's inconvenient? (who would take the kids to daycare and walk the dog??) Do you opt out of follow up care because you don't want anyone to know? Do you just try to eat more veggies, lay off the soda and pretend that doing so will make it go away?
In other words, do you run from the reality and the things that need to be done because you are afraid of the pain and the upset?
Of course you don't. Because you know that your kids need mom and dad there for them, strong, healthy and alive. You know that if you or your spouse or your child is ill you will go to the ends of the earth to make sure you do everything you can to protect the future of your family, the security of your home and stability of your kids lives.
And you know that there are times when ensuring that kind of protection means that you have to do things that rock the foundations of your everyday existence. You need to face the illness head on, find the treatment, battle the HMO's and DO WHAT IT TAKES. Your kids are depending on you.
Well let me tell you - infidelity is a disease. It's an addiction. An illness.
And, let me give you some stats.
Infidelity affects anywhere from 60-80% of marriages in the US. It is an epidemic fed by the media and the glamorization of celebrities such as Julia Roberts.
Right now approx 47& of first marriages in the US end in divorce. Approx 80% of second and subsequent marriages fail. Divorce is not the answer - If you think that you will have a better chance of success with a new partner - you are wrong.
Studies show that five years after interviewing couples who are very unhappy in their marriages - the by a large margin - ones who remained married are much happier and the ones who are divorced are much the same.
(Study Review Link) "Children living with a single parent or adult report a higher prevalence
of activity limitation and higher rates of disability. They are also
more likely to be in fair or poor health and more likely to have been
hospitalized (National Center for Health Statistics, 1997).
Children of divorced families are nearly twice as likely to drop out of high school.
They are approx 33% more likely to be out of school and out of work.
More than twice as likely to be unwed mothers during their teenage years.
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health vulnerability scores from 20% to 35% higher than those for children living with both biological parents.
* ...predicted risk of injury was about 20% to 30% greater for children from disrupted marriages than for other children.
* Children living with formerly married mothers had a 50% greater risk of having asthma in the preceding 12 months.
* ...an increased risk of speech defects among children living with never-married mothers.
* ...the observed proportion reported to have received professional help for emotional or behavior problems in the preceding year varied from 2.7% for children living with both biological parents to 8.8% for children living with formerly married mothers. For children living with never-married mothers or with mothers and stepfathers, the respective proportions were 4.4% and 6.6%.
Deborah A. Dawson, "Family Structure and Children's Health and Well-Being: Data from the 1988 National Heath Interview Survey
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Are you getting the picture? Divorce is a major health and lifestyle threat to the future success and happiness of your children.
I cannot guarantee that if you do the things needed to end the affair that your marriage will be saved. But I can guarantee with 100% surety that as long as the affair goes on and there is contact with the affair partner, there is no hope for restoring your marriage. It cannot happen until the affair ends.
The longer the affair continues, the more likely it will lead to the destruction of your marriage. And that will in turn set into motion all those things I point out above.
And at some point you become a threat to the marriage as your love bank dwindles and you need to be in Plan B to protect those feelings and your willingness to save the marriage.
Your kids may go on to lead fulfilling lives after divorce - as humans we are incredibly powerful and resilient beings - but their efforts to get to that place will be hampered by the effects of divorce. The evidence is irrefutable.
Now, you want to tell me that you can't call the OP's spouse and expose, you can't confront your mate or the OP and you can't tell anyone because you are afraid of what might happen? The alternative is risking the health and wellbeing of your children are you willing to do that because of a little fear?
I don't think so. I think as parents each and every one of us would jump through flames to make our kids safe and secure. This is no different, your kids' future depends on you. Do the right thing.
C
<small>[ October 31, 2003, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
