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I need some advice on my marriage. My h and I have been married 10 yrs we have 3 children 7,5,16mnths. My problem is he wants a divorce, he is saying he has no feelings for me, Just wants to be friends and that what is done is done and his feelings for me are gone and he doesn't know what to do about it.

First off neither one of us has had an affair. Our marriage has been neglected. My husband is a workaholic. When we were first married everything was fine I was working and he was working so I never truly noticed to much we spend time together but things have been sliding since the birth of our fist child. I am always the one who wants to go places swimming, camping etc when he does go I always get the feeling he truly does not want to be there he is always worring about what he could or could not be doing. He is saying he is doing it to get ahead and what is the price you pay for that "your family" He cant seem to enjoy the moment and I resent him for that.He never comes to watch the kids play their sports apparently if you've seen one game you've seen them all.

About 6 yrs ago were arguing about something and I told him that I wished I had never married him. I was mad at something, I guess I wear my emotions on my sleeve for him to see. He is just telling me now that this hurt him alot and has thought about it a lot, he claims if i said these words I must have meant them. that day it happend He came back iside and I was acting like nothing had happened he thought I was screwing with his mind. The problem is when he is upset he does not confront me at all He hides his emotoions and stuffs them down as he puts it and I never know what he is truly feeling or thinking. And now he has stopped stuffing and he wants a divorce.
He claims that I have never had any faith in him have never trusted him. When he was building our house he claims I had no faith that he could build it. Yes I had my doubts but he works night shift and then his was getting up in the morning to build it seemed like it would be too much.

In the past I have been puthing him away He would come home and want to give me a hug and I would resist I felt void of emotion for him. We never spent enough time together and I feel emotionally not connected to him. Our lovemaking was few and far between. We had stopped celebrating our anniversarys and stopped buying cards for each other at birthdays ect he had said they were a waste of money.

Our relationship has really taken a downward spiral since my h has got involved in pranic Healing. He has met all kinds of people since he has been doing this one is a woman who owns a health food store in our area. he would talk to her about healing went there to buy vitamins etc.
He spent quite a bit of time there. then in august of this year he broke down crying he told me that he was in love with two women me and her and that he does not deserve anybody because he just hurts everybody. Hes been told by psychis that this is our 3rd life together and that in the past we never learned our lessons and he does not want to repeat this life over. Apparently to the psychics she has been in his past as well. He told me he felt like having sex with her but he knows it would be wrong.
He has a healing bed over there He spends most of his nights there he will leave at 9:30 and not come home until 5:00 in the morning He goes there to think and heal and meditate He tells me that If i dont like it leave, He has said his healing is his No#1 priority above us and the kids and that is the way it is.

He's told me in letters that I will be happy without him that I dont love him and that I never have. He claims the kids will be alright if we handle things right, that he will be there for me and the kids financially etc. I cant help but look at him and think how can he be saying this what is going on here.

I have done my share of huting him, I have made him feel guilty, unloved by not making love, and I have called him names when I am angry, through all of this I have wanted to reach out to him. He tells me that I am staying because of security. I simply told him in a letter that "you dont know what youve got till its gone" doesnt this say it all.
All I want is some give and take in our relationship. Why is it that I stil love him but he does not live me? He would tell me in the past not to long ago maybe an year that I was stuck with him for life and that he wasnt going anywhere.why then can he make this big turn around.My husband truly has a caring heart, he's always helping other people out, I have a hard time understanding how we are less important. He wrote in one of his letters that he wants what is best for everyone but he is firt in line.
He claims he has forgiven me and himself them why cant he move on and give this marriage a 2nd chance. we have everything to lose by not trying our kids happiness everything we have built together. He tells me not to worry about what he said about the ow, and I think it must have meant something he was crying.
His father had also told him that he wished he had divorced his wife but at the time he felt that he had too much to lose the house everything. she doed not know this but I have a hard time with this. Somehow I cant help but feel he is making some of his decision based on his dads unhappiness. He told me that he does not want to be at this crossroad 25yrs from now because he see's us in their relationship. Actually it is simular his dad is a workaholic and they never took the time to discuss it was lack of communication its just sad that he cant see this. Afterall his dad must have loved his mother to marry her so how can his love just die.
I have to look at it this way because I cant understand how he feels nothing it hurts me deeply that he could be so unsensitive.
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Could Be Worse
Member
Member # 22588

posted September 12, 2003 02:16 PM
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First of all, welcome to the board! I'm sorry it is under such dire circumstances.

Your H is deep into the "fog". Please start by reading everything on this Web site. You said that neither of you has had an affair, yet you called her the "OW". This relationship he has with OW is definitely an affair. It is minimially an Emotional Affair (EA), however I strongly believe it is also a Physical Affair (PA). No matter what, it is still an affair.

After reading the concepts on the site and reading the posts on the bulletin boards, you will see that your H is way out of line by spending any time alone with this woman. You are in need of setting boundaries, and personally that would be my first one.

You have a tough road to follow if you want to save your marriage, especially with him being so deep into the fog. There are a lot of wise people on this board. You will find a great deal of support here for your journey.

Best of luck to you!

--------------------
M 12 years
2 incredible kids

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*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted September 12, 2003 03:30 PM
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First of all, I want to echo CBW's welcome. I think you've found yourself in the right place. Please read the thread for new members.

Your H is in an affair. I suspected as much just by reading the title. Your situation is quite common out here.

Here is what I think you should do:

1.) Go to the bookstore link and buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair". Make this book your Bible for riding out this storm.
2.) Get a professional involved. I strongly suggest Cerri. She posts on the Just Found Out board.
3.) Go over to the JFO (Just Found Out) board and post the exact same thing there. Just copy and paste. That is the board where people in your situation are. Just Found Out

Divorce is not necessarily the outcome of marriages in your situation. You will need real resolve, courage, self-control, and strength to pull through, though.

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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MyBestFriend'sWife
Member
Member # 21526

posted September 12, 2003 04:29 PM
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I agree with could be worse, read everything here, especially the section on surviving an affair.

Next I have to say that in setting the boundaries also open yourself to possibilities. Obviously the pranic healing is very important to him, it is to anyone who practices pranic or reiki, it is a way of life, it is also peaceful. If your home is not conductive of peace then he will not be comfortable there. Have you yourself learned anything about pranic healing? Does it interest you at all? Could you get involved yourself and join him where he goes? Call it recreational companionship if you need to, and use it as time away from home and away from the kids. It could be something that could create a strong bond between the two of you if you are open to the possibility.
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[ October 21, 2003, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: commited4life ]
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cerri
Member
Member # 9574

posted September 16, 2003 10:05 AM
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Hi Feeling Lonely.... Tak sent you? And you listen to Tak?? Just kidding....

Ok, so the big red flags are these three things:

First he says he doesn't love you anymore, just wants to be friends. When people just fall out of love without there being someone else they rarely use those words.... saying he doesn't love you implies that there is someone else he has feelings for.

Second he isn't interested in working on anything... usually if someone is just unhappy in their marriage they are willing to do the work especially if you take the lead.... people generally don't just bail unless there is someone else waiting in the wings.

Third the fact that the big nosedive occurred when he met this woman.

I would bet my home that he is involved with her at least emotionally and very possibly physically. And yes, I know that he says there is no one else... they all do.... every single one. They lie when they are caught in the act or confronted with irrefutable evidence. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I've heard.

From this moment on you can assume that if you base what you do on what he says is real or what he wants then you will be sure to fail.

Alright then... here's the plan. You need to go to the bookstore link and order Surviving an Affair if you don't already have it. You might try to see if you can get it from your local library, but if not this is the book you need... don't just get any infidelity book... they are not all the same.

Then you need to do some heavy duty reading while you wait for the book to come. I would start with these links:
the love bank

instincts and habits

love busters

emotional needs

When you've got through those and you have a basic grasp of Love Busters and Emotional Needs and how they work to create or destroy romantic love come back here and we'll talk specifics about what you need to do.

The strategy for ending an affair is this in a nutshell:

You tell him what you know, how you know it and how you feel about what he is doing.

You work to eliminate anything that you are doing that could be called a demand, disrespect or angry outburst as well as annoying habits.

You are willing to meet his needs (most likely he won't let you)

You tell anyone and everyone you know about the affair... and we'll talk about how that works after you do the reading.

None of that is easy and most is counter intuitive. Do the reading.... flag me down and we'll talk specifics.

C

--------------------
"Those who say they cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement are really saying what they want to do is more important than how you (their spouse) feels."
....Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

Primary Rules for Infidelity
First rule of what to know when your spouse is having an affair:
Your emotions and your instincts will lead you in the wrong direction 99.9% of the time.

First rule of what to do when your spouse is having an affair:
Ignore almost all of what they say they want from you, how they feel about what you are doing to fix the marriage and any talk about the marriage, "being over, get over it."

You cannot base decisions about what to do on either of those things. Neither is objective and both are destined to fail.
....Penny R.Tupy ~ Volunteer MB Weekend Mentor Coach ~ Lifeworks Coaching/Save Your Marriage Central www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

"No one understands the disease of infidelity until it's upon you. And then you are transfigured. Of course you have your reasons for what you do, but they are generally misleading."
....Marina in, “The Flaming Corsage” by Wm. Kennedy

"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married." ... Frank Pittman

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commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted September 16, 2003 05:25 PM
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thanks for the adice cerri! I have been reading how to survive and affair and other books by Willard f.Harley,Jr. I am doing some of your advice already. He wont let me meet any of his needs. He goes to her shop quite a bit and one saturday he was there when her shop was closed and of course she was there he was pretty surprised I showed up. And another time when he wasnt showing up untill 7:00 am and I was having trouble getting our daughter to school I phoned and she was there againg he said she was doing paper work. One thing he has done that has hurt me the most is he is saying that he married me because he did not want to dissapoint anybody and that he never really loved me, is he trying to make me hate him or is he using anything he can to try and make his feel this is the right thing to do. When you say to tell about the ea to people do you mean family and friends no one knows at the moment and of course he does not them to know. any thoughts on this
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*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted September 17, 2003 12:55 PM
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quote:
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Tak sent you? And you listen to Tak??
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You could at least let me bask in the glory that I got one person to listen to me.


quote:
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One thing he has done that has hurt me the most is he is saying that he married me because he did not want to dissapoint anybody and that he never really loved me, is he trying to make me hate him or is he using anything he can to try and make his feel this is the right thing to do.
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They all say this, too. It's really almost like a script. It's hard to tell why a WS (Wayward Spouse) says the things that they do. The main reason is to keep the source of the addiction (in your H's case, OW) in their lives. That is their goal.


quote:
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When you say to tell about the ea to people do you mean family and friends no one knows at the moment and of course he does not them to know. any thoughts on this
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Yes, you should tell family, friends, etc. I think you should do the reading and get another response from Cerri before you act, though.

[ September 17, 2003, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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cerri
Member
Member # 9574

posted September 18, 2003 06:53 AM
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Hi Feeling lonely,

I have been reading how to survive and affair and other books by Willard f.Harley,Jr. I am doing some of your advice already.

Alright good! Then we have somewhere to start from.

He wont let me meet any of his needs.

That's pretty much to be expected. He isn't going to let you meet his most intimate needs, but other typically male needs such as attractive spouse, domestic support, admiration... you can probably work at doing.

He goes to her shop quite a bit and one saturday he was there when her shop was closed and of course she was there he was pretty surprised I showed up.

So are you telling how you FEEL (hurt/sad/lonely/terrified....) when he sees her?

And another time when he wasnt showing up untill 7:00 am and I was having trouble getting our daughter to school I phoned and she was there againg he said she was doing paper work.

So are you saying that he is spending the nights away from home?

One thing he has done that has hurt me the most is he is saying that he married me because he did not want to dissapoint anybody and that he never really loved me,

Yes, I know. It's heart wrenching to have to hear that. I really doubt that it's true. People having affair routinely re-write history in their minds... and to them it is reality in the moment. The thing about romantic love is that when we are in love with someone we can't imagine that we would ever lose that feeling. And then, once it's gone we can't recall ever feeling that way. This is one of those 'act like a duck' things... you need to let it roll off your back and tell yourself that it's about the affair... it's not about you.

is he trying to make me hate him or is he using anything he can to try and make his feel this is the right thing to do.

He's protecting his addiction. And using whatever he can to do so.

When you say to tell about the ea to people do you mean family and friends no one knows at the moment and of course he does not them to know. any thoughts on this

Yeah. Tell them that your husband is having a relationship with this woman that is painful and offensive to you. That his friendship with her is coming between you and making it impossible to repair your marriage. Let them know that you love him, you want to save your marriage and that you will do whatever you can to make it a wonderful place for both of you. Ask for their help. Encouraging him to end the relationship with her and recommit to your marriage.

If it seems that the word "affair" is going to be controversial then don't use it. It doesn't matter what you call it... it's a relationship that hurts you and is destroying your marriage... that's the important message.

Tell me about his complaints in the marriage? Things he didn't like that you did or things he wanted that you didn't do. We can do a little refining of PlA.

C

--------------------
"Those who say they cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement are really saying what they want to do is more important than how you (their spouse) feels."
....Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

Primary Rules for Infidelity
First rule of what to know when your spouse is having an affair:
Your emotions and your instincts will lead you in the wrong direction 99.9% of the time.

First rule of what to do when your spouse is having an affair:
Ignore almost all of what they say they want from you, how they feel about what you are doing to fix the marriage and any talk about the marriage, "being over, get over it."

You cannot base decisions about what to do on either of those things. Neither is objective and both are destined to fail.
....Penny R.Tupy ~ Volunteer MB Weekend Mentor Coach ~ Lifeworks Coaching/Save Your Marriage Central www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

"No one understands the disease of infidelity until it's upon you. And then you are transfigured. Of course you have your reasons for what you do, but they are generally misleading."
....Marina in, “The Flaming Corsage” by Wm. Kennedy

"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married." ... Frank Pittman

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Posts: 3200 | Registered: Mar 2001 | IP: Logged |

cerri
Member
Member # 9574

posted September 18, 2003 06:56 AM
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quote:
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Originally posted by *Takola*:

quote:
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Tak sent you? And you listen to Tak??
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You could at least let me bask in the glory that I got one person to listen to me.


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LOL... Just checkin' to see if you were watching....

Hugs darlin'. Stay safe and dry, I've been thinking about you guys.

I'll check out that other link if I get a chance this morning... I have some other stuff going on that I will email you about later.

C
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Posts: 3200 | Registered: Mar 2001 | IP: Logged |

commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted September 19, 2003 12:58 AM
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Thanks cerri and takola for the posts.

First off you want to know if he spentds his nights away from home, My husband is a night shift worker so he leaves home around 9:00 and he will Usually be home anywhere from 3:00 till 4:00, Only now he goes to this health food shop(he has his own keys but does not own any part of the store)and he stays untill 6 or 7 in the morning and he meditates and heals from the healing bed in there. I do beleive him that she is not there then, she is also married. Sometimes she shows up in the morning when He is still there. When he has his nights off he goes there like he is leaving for work and spends his night there and might come home slightly early around 4 or so am. I don't think he has had sexual relations with her but I do feel since he told me he was in love with her that he cares for her a great deal and it's like he is infatuated with her, he tells me how they can have great conversation about his healing. He does give her hugs when he leaves or when she is emotionally upset.

Secondly you want to know what I have done.

He tells me that I have not given him any backing or support over the years. So I beleive it is admiration and I need to praise him for all the good things he does and let him know how much I appreciate him. Also I told him I wished I had never married him about 6 yrs ago and that hurt him only he never told me untill now. I have been pushing him away over the past few years and have not really felt like making love or kissing and hugging I would tell him it did not feel right. Also I can get sarcastic and say some things like " where were you this morning haveing a quickie with your girl friend" or because he has never shown any interest in doing anything with the kids or me I get after him and compare him to other fathers, why arent you like ---- dad and want to go here or go there, I know this bothers him. He also feels that I am a negative person and sometimes I can be. After reading the books I realize what I had done wrong, but I have never felt connected to him in quite awhile because he is always doing something else and has never made time or even wanted to make time for his family so when I do all the pushing to do it, he feels I am making him feel guilty.In the past when I would try to make him see that we need some balance in our relationships and I told him his pracic healing is consuming his life he would say "If you don't like it leave". He has made me feel that he simply does not care. I have told him I am sorry for what I have done, which I am and I wish I had done things differently, I wish I was given a marriage book for a wedding gift.
He will let me meet his sexual needs he tells me if I need it he will be happy to fulfill, my needs but he likes to let me know that this will not change his mind. He feels because of what I have done that I have never really loved him and I am here for security. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 yrs and because of all this I am enrolling and going back to school to be an LPN.
He is staying for the whole year which does not start untill January. So I have some time on my hands the only problem Is he will not stop going to visit this woman, he claims they are just friends and his feelings for me would be the same regardless of whether or not he had met her. So I am trying real hard to be the nice wife, with no more nasty remarks, but the bedroom scene is a little weird making love to a husband who wants a divorce. Also the affection part its harder to just go give him a hug or a kiss he definately wont let me do this any old time of day.

I need to be strong and also tell family and friends what is going on. This part will be hard for me.

Anyhow, anything else you think I should be doing?
If so I would be happy to hear some more advice!!!
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commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted September 25, 2003 12:20 AM
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Just had a question to some of you. What exactly is a conflict avoider!!! Does my story sound like my h is a conflict avoider the way he stuffs down all his feelings untill they eventually boil over to resentment. Just curious?????
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2ofaKind
Member
Member # 25222

posted September 25, 2003 01:05 AM
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Lonely - A conflict avoiding, cheatins spouse is precisely me a year ago.

But before we go there - I am also willing to bet Cerri's house. I am willing to bet that these two are sleeping together. We tripods mistake sex for affirmation/acceptance sometimes.

Now to the conflict avoidance - what are we dealing with?
Normal, healthy conflict - discuss, argue, probe, re-examine, re-discuss and fix the damned problem.

Conflict avoider: Discuss, start to argue, drop it, withdraw, feel betrayed, resentful, angry and rejected.

Conflict avoiding WS: Failure to effectively resolve minor issues in 2-3 areas of key emotional needs (SF was mine) leads to resentment and strong feelings of rejection. This opens the door to allowing someone else to provide affirmation, admiration and probably sex.

The fact that he is taking advice from a psychic is very sad - here you are in the real world competing with fantasyland.

That is what an affair is though - fantasyland.

The best way to mess with the fantasy is to expose the affair.

Sounds like deeeeeeeeeeeeep fog here when you use a psychic's advice to back your position.

What you describe regarding SF issues, him claiming that you never supported (Believed in, praised, admired) him plus the new woman? I would be amazed if they are not sleeping together.

All is not lost. When push comes to shove and he sees that he is going to lose you and his family it can cure rectocranial inversion (head up rear) quickly.

Prayers
2.

--------------------
FWS - 33M Had PA 2002 DDay 12/22/02 NC since then
BS - J 39F My love, partner, best friend.
DD - 7 Mine from Prev M
No Contact is not rocket surgery, start by not contacting OP and quit making excuses.

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commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted September 26, 2003 12:08 AM
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2ofakind thanks for your input. I honestly think my h is a conflict avoider after reading some info. He would rather not discuss what is happening in our relationship right now he would rather go for a walk or not come home at night because he is healing which really is starting to %%%%%%me off, and it hurts me knowing he would rather not be in our bed, that is the message its giving me. I ask him how its all going to go down what about the house the kids family everthing that goes through my mind when you talk about divorce, he tells me EVERYTING IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE, (he avoids talking about It) fine for who I think "just you" I feel like he is so thoughtless about it all he is claiming he has INNER PEACE about it all, and me Im left crying at night wondering how he could just break up our family so easily.

I have the book how to survive an affair and in the book I have it does not have plan A or B in it. Is there a new revised updated book?
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commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted September 29, 2003 12:34 AM
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How do I go about telling our familys about this?
He won't listen to anything I try and tell him in any of the marriage books. He beleives that his love for me is gone and that all the info in the books about how normal it is to feel this way when a marriage is on the rocks, he said it does not apply to him because he is unique. Above all I find out that his feelings were waning 6 yrs ago and his father has known all along. I feel like he avoids conflicts and he did not tell me, how was I to know how he felt if he did not tell me. And yet he does not want me to let people know what is going on at the moment. what should I do????? He also admitted to feeling major resentment when I told him 6 yrs ago that I whished I had never married him which I said when I was mad at something.
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commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted October 01, 2003 06:23 PM
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This is getting worse than I thought. Just found out the other day that H has been talking to his dad over the past 6 years that he has had trouble having feelings for me. Im starting to beleive him if its been going on for this long. Although he told me how left out he felt when the kids came along 7 yrs ago. What really infuriates me is the fact that he has been talking to his dad about these feeling but not me. Im the one who should have known but instead he thought it would get better. And then he just goes ahead and has two more children with me and the youngest is just turning 18mnths. I really feel he is a conflict avoider it would have helped If I had known that then. Then when I tell him I thought that things would get better when the kids were a little older He said "how could you think that when things were going the way they were." All I can say is it takes two. Why can't he see this.
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*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted October 03, 2003 04:55 PM
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My H is a conflict avoider. I should say, a recovering one.

What steps have you taken so far?

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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Posts: 4642 | Registered: Mar 2002 | IP: Logged |

commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted October 06, 2003 03:59 PM
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hi takola! What steps have I taken so far. Well Im trying to do a plan A with him right now. But every time I think things are going a little better he reminds me that nothing will change his mind. It's all over to him right now I can't even sit next to him on the couch without him moving because he feels uncomfortable when I sit next to him. He feels he has tried these past 7 years only thing Is I never new how he felt he told his father things but never to me. It's really frustrating and I guess I shouldn't talk about her and how he has felt about her and how it is normal for him to feel nothing for me but that it is going to take the 2 of us to fix this. He feels like hes done his share and thats It. He feels the kids will be alright and I just have to shake my head and wonder. I'm not sure I'm going about this the right way. I havent told family yet I guess I should be doing that.
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*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted October 06, 2003 04:09 PM
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Listen, anything he says right now is to justify what he is doing and to keep the source of addiction in his life. Think of it as talking to an alcoholic about beer. It's the same thing. He will try to scare you, intimidate you, hurt you, reason with you - anything to make you back down and leave his addiction where it is.

How are you doing with LBs? How about ENs? You have to start out small with the ENs, come in under the radar, so to speak. Meet things like Domestic Support, Attractive Spouse, Admiration, Conversation, and Recreational Companionship. He probably will not let you meet Affection and SF right now. If he does, that's fine, meet it. If not, work on the ones you can meet.

Have you bought and read "Surviving an Affair" yet? Have you given Cerri a call? I think you really need to do both of these things.

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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Posts: 4642 | Registered: Mar 2002 | IP: Logged |

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: commited4life ]</small>

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Hi takola thanks for the post!

As for the situation right now, I am trying with the LB's but sometimes it is hard not to try and reason with him and tell him how absurd all of this is and that he wants to leave the marriage over all this. Now as for the affair or EA she does not know how he feels. He has feeling for her like a high school crush. Yet he is addicted to his healing and he can't seem to stop going to her shop to talk etc. I also found out the same counsellor he was seeing in this circle of his friends that she told him he had past lives with me and that we had not learned our lessons with life and that my H has had a past life with the OW that he likes as well. He said this couselling has made him realize that he has never been happy.

Im doing ok meeting domestic support, attractive spouse, sometimes admiration, but recreational companionship is something that I have wanted to get out of our M and he was never willing to meet.

Now for SF he will let me do this but he will tell me he is only doing it for me, but that it means nothing to him. He knows it hurts me. How do I go about this do I tell him its ok I know that this will not change your mind, but lets have fun anyways???

Now about me, I have a hard time with my emotions, some days I'm crying and I get all worked up about the future and tell him that I love him and why can't he see this etc etc. Is this a good thing or should I be stronger and let him feel I'm moving on with or without him???

I also feel like talking to the OW and just simply ask her is she knows that he wants out of our marriage and that he loves Her and He spends virtially every night hiding out in her shop healing from the healing bed in there, istead of being at home in our bed. You see he has a key and can go there any time. Of course he said that I would look like a fool if I went and talked to her or more like it" he would look like the fool". He told me once it I ever confronted her he would never forgive me for it?????

I am going to buy the book you sugessted, I have been reading his needs her needs and I also have fall in love stay in love, but I clearly think I need the other book.

I clearly feel my H is avoiding all this conflict in his life and instead of dealing with it staight up, he is hiding it and wanting a divorce as the easy way out. I am looking at all I did wrong and I am trying to learn from all of my mistakes. I feel he has this wall around his heart afraid of getting hurt or he simply cant find any love we once shared. When I mention the kids in this about their feelings he claims I am using them as a way to get to him. He can't see that they are also a part of this and everything we do will have an impact on their lives.

One of my H strong LB is independent Behavior where he has gone along in our marriage and plans his days and weeks without even considering what I have ever wanted. The one thing that makes me sick is he never wants to come and watch our kids sports even before he met the OW he never comes. I have a real problem with this one. I have felt like a single mom during our marriage the whole time because of his IB and lack of time in our m but he would come home at night wanting the love and I never felt like it. Why cant he see what he has done??

I am going to phone and go to more marriage counselling sessions, should I try a get him to go. He never tells them very much, or should I not push it???

Any more advice would be great!!!!
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Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted October 07, 2003 02:30 PM
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quote:
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As for the situation right now, I am trying with the LB's but sometimes it is hard not to try and reason with him and tell him how absurd all of this is and that he wants to leave the marriage over all this.
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I understand. I never said it was easy. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do. I just said it had to be done.


quote:
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Now as for the affair or EA she does not know how he feels. He has feeling for her like a high school crush. Yet he is addicted to his healing and he can't seem to stop going to her shop to talk etc.
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This is an Emotional Affair (aka EA). I seriously doubt that she is clueless to his feelings. I hope she is and doesn't return them. If he decides to tell her his feelings you have a few possible outcomes:

-she tells him that she feels the same way and a full blown A comes out of it
-she tells him to get lost
-she does niether, and they go on meeting ENs until you have a full blown A

This is why it is so critical for you to increase your OWN love bank balance. To do that, you have to avoid LBs.


quote:
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I also found out the same counsellor he was seeing in this circle of his friends that she told him he had past lives with me and that we had not learned our lessons with life and that my H has had a past life with the OW that he likes as well. He said this couselling has made him realize that he has never been happy.
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BS. His infatuation with this woman is making him see foggy.


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but recreational companionship is something that I have wanted to get out of our M and he was never willing to meet.
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Elaborate.


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Now for SF he will let me do this but he will tell me he is only doing it for me, but that it means nothing to him.
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Doesn't matter what he says about it. You'er meeting a very important EN. If you are comfortable meeting this EN - do it!!


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He knows it hurts me. How do I go about this do I tell him its ok I know that this will not change your mind, but lets have fun anyways???
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No, tell him you don't want to talk about those things right now - you are preoccupied.


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Now about me, I have a hard time with my emotions, some days I'm crying and I get all worked up about the future and tell him that I love him and why can't he see this etc etc. Is this a good thing or should I be stronger and let him feel I'm moving on with or without him???
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CEASE THIS BEHAVIOR AT ONCE. All it does is convince your H that you are at his beck and call and that he can continue any behavior he wants. I want you to be strong, but the moving on with or without him part is coming later. Just don't cry, sob, or have any relationship talks with him at this time. NO NO NO NO NO. Big LB.


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I also feel like talking to the OW and just simply ask her is she knows that he wants out of our marriage and that he loves Her and He spends virtially every night hiding out in her shop healing from the healing bed in there, istead of being at home in our bed.
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Part of Plan A is the exposure of the affair. Have you not yet done this? Don't go exposing w/o posting back.


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You see he has a key and can go there any time.
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BIG BIG RED FLAG.


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Of course he said that I would look like a fool if I went and talked to her or more like it" he would look like the fool". He told me once it I ever confronted her he would never forgive me for it?????
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They all say that. Don't buy into his foggy drivel. He's protecting the source of his addiction and his continued exposure to it. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less.


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I am going to buy the book you sugessted, I have been reading his needs her needs and I also have fall in love stay in love, but I clearly think I need the other book.
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FIRST - read "Surviving an Affair". Use this book as your bible over the next several months. Second - read "Love Busters". Laugh, cry, make these books a part of you. And call Cerri.


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I clearly feel my H is avoiding all this conflict in his life and instead of dealing with it staight up, he is hiding it and wanting a divorce as the easy way out.
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He's addicted and trying to continue his exposure to the object of his addiction. In this case, it is the OW.


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I am looking at all I did wrong and I am trying to learn from all of my mistakes. I feel he has this wall around his heart afraid of getting hurt or he simply cant find any love we once shared.
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He's in the fog and can't decide whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. All he knows is that he wants to continue to see this woman and you are in the way.


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When I mention the kids in this about their feelings he claims I am using them as a way to get to him. He can't see that they are also a part of this and everything we do will have an impact on their lives.
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He probably won't. There is nothing your H is saying that hasn't been heard on these boards a hundred times over. Take a deep breath.


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I have a real problem with this one.
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We'll discuss these at a later point, ok?


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Why cant he see what he has done??
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Fog fog fog fog fog fog fog fog fog. He can't see the forest for the bark.


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I am going to phone and go to more marriage counselling sessions, should I try a get him to go. He never tells them very much, or should I not push it???
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Go w/o him a few times. Then, you can make 'thoughtful requests' (see the love busters book) for him to join you. If he declines, drop it.


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Any more advice would be great!!!!
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Call Cerri.

[ October 07, 2003, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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Posts: 4663 | Registered: Mar 2002 | IP: Logged |

commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted October 08, 2003 12:32 AM
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Takola thanks for yet another post!!

Well I can see I have a lot to learn still. I am going to buy the book and read some more for a while. I dont think that I have really entered plan A for no I have not told anyone yet about the EA except one of my H sisters knows and that Is it and his Dad knows only that things might not work out but he does not know about Her or the nights he spends away from home. Now when I tell people about the EA do I confront the OW as Well, I could also go and see this so called cousellor and let her know and there is one of his other friends who is into Healing that is friends with us as well.

I never realized I was major LBing when I was crying in front of him. I thought if he seen me like this he would know how much I do care instead of me being distant and such. You see our relationship prior to this did not have much affection etc and he felt he had to pressure me to have sex which he did because I always felt mad at him etc. Now when I try to initiate it he will usually let me but he Is feeling I'm sure that I only want to do it to make things better. Anyways I wont worry If he lets me meet this I will.

You wanted me to elaborate on the recreational companionship well Im the one who likes to camp, swim, go for hikes, take the kids to museums, go places and have fun. He treats it like a chore and he can't stand going especially when the kids are whiny. To put it short he does not like to do any of these things.

Now as for you advising me to call cerri, you do mean to flag her down on this site, or is it meant that I am to e-mail her or actually call her? If so what state does she live in or maybe I shouldn't ask that one? I have read somewhere on this site that she is a cousellor? Anyhow I am from Canada!

Anyhow I will keep posting and reading these books. The one thing I do find comforting is reading all these posts on this site hearing the same sort of things my husband Is telling me. It makes me feel less alone.

One more thing when I read these books surving and affair and love busters do I show him these and read any of it to him or just read them myself?

met 06/91 M 08/07/93 D-Day-Aug/01/2003
DD-7 DS-5 DD18mnths

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!!
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Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted October 08, 2003 07:50 PM
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Actually email or call Cerri. Yes, she is a professional marriage coach. (BTW, she's my marriage coach)

Cerri's website

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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Posts: 4663 | Registered: Mar 2002 | IP: Logged |

*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted October 08, 2003 08:39 PM
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quote:
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Well I can see I have a lot to learn still.
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Yup, learn quickly.


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I dont think that I have really entered plan A for no I have not told anyone yet about the EA except one of my H sisters knows and that
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Exposure is one of the critical parts of Plan A. Affairs thrive in secrecy and deception. Exposing it to the light of day is important. There is a specific way that it should be done, however. The purpose for this is not to shame him or seem petty - it is to save your marriage.


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Now when I tell people about the EA do I confront the OW as Well,
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Yes, you confront the OW. You tell her what is going on, that you know, and ask her to have nothing more to do with your H so that your marriage can be saved.


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I could also go and see this so called cousellor and let her know and there is one of his other friends who is into Healing that is friends with us as well.
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Yes, all of the above. Please call Cerri.


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I never realized I was major LBing when I was crying in front of him.
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It isn't only that - although it is a major LB. If you convince him that you have no boundaries, he will continue to cake-eat, as he will believe he can and you won't do anything about it. Trust me, this is NOT what you want.


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He treats it like a chore and he can't stand going especially when the kids are whiny. To put it short he does not like to do any of these things.
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Is there NOTHING he likes to do?


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One more thing when I read these books surving and affair and love busters do I show him these and read any of it to him or just read them myself?
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Just read them on your own for now. I want you to be able to avoid LBs before attempting to involve him in these things.

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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Posts: 4663 | Registered: Mar 2002 | IP: Logged |

commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted October 14, 2003 06:56 PM
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Thanks for the post takola!

I have been wanting to phone cerri for some time now but financially things are a little hard right now. I never realized she was from that particular website. I have been in that site before trying to download some info and it was telling me the usual that it had performed an illegal operation on me.

I am waiting for the book SAA to come in and I have bought love busters. The front story describes us pretty well, except it is him who feels sick when he is around me.

What I'm needing right now is to gather the info on how to tell family and friends like you said except to tell it without shameing him or without petty. Is this info in the SAA book or should I try and flag down cerri for some more info?
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Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted October 19, 2003 06:02 PM
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bump
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Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

commited4life
Member
Member # 30067

posted October 21, 2003 12:50 AM
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I just changed my user Name.
Not sure if hubby ever comes in here to read posts just doing this to throw him for a loop.
I sometimes wonder if they do and find their story how any of this advice can ever work. Won't they read and then they know what we are trying to do. I know my Husband would assume I'm just doing it and that my feeling were not intentional.
In a previous post Takola recommended that if I could meet his sexual needs I should do it. Now he wont let me. It could be just a coincedence
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Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |





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Ok dearie -

Can you summarize for me very briefly -

How long married?

First marriage or other?

How many kids what ages? (From what marriage if more than one)

How long has the A been going on?

Who is it with?

How long have you known?

Who have you told?

Have you confronted him?

BRIEFLY - what were the issues in the marriage? Abuse, neglect, no time together?

The more concise you can be the better I can help you. I'll ask for what other info I need, but I hit the time issue when it comes to reading huge amounts of stuff. Not that I'm not interested, I am. But we'll eventually get to all that when we need to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C

Oh and - yes www.saveyourmarriagecental is my site <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> . Please, please, please let me know if you have trouble with the links or any other part of navigating it. I only know that when users tell me.

Hi cerri sorry for the long drawn out story.

We have been married 10 yrs. we have 3 children 7,5,and 18mnths. This is both our first marriage. I am 34, H is 35.

I'm not sure how long A has been going on maybe april of this year it is an EA as far as I know.
Facts are that H felt left our when the children came along. He tells me he started distancing himself from me approx 6 yrs ago when I told him once when I was angry that I wished I had not married him. H has always been a workaholic and when I want to go places he feels like he has to go and he feels like he is dragged around. The point is we have never done to much. He spends very little time with the kids, does not watch them play sports has only gone if I have an appt or something and that is it. I have been angry all these yrs at the lack of interest in the kids.

The affair is with a woman 9 yrs older than himself. She is having problems in her M as well. They met through his healing I have met her and have bought vitamins and such at her store. she has met our children and I would never have thought anything about him going there only that they were friends. H spend alot of time there in the spring. He talked about Healing and others were there at healing meetings taling about past lives etc. H bought a healing bed and she gave him a key to her shop the deal was to get people into the shop for healings and then maybe they would purchance things from her store like a business relationship. Around May H was depressed on Aug 1 he told me he was in love with two women me and her.

Soon after he wants a divorce and the rest comes out, like that he was pressured to married, needs some time alone, needs his space to think this through, does not love me you get the picture all those lines they tell.

Yes I have confronted him. He tells me they are just friends. I told him I might talk to her he gets mad and tells me he will never forgive me for it and that I would look like a fool.
He tells me that our m is over and it is not about her that we were having problems before.
He tells me he has visions that I will marry again to the person that I was meant for. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!! When I tell him I was going to tell family of this he tells me that If I need to spread lies to make myself look good then do it and that he does not to tell all about me.

I have told 3 of his sisters one of which thinks I should not tell her mom or dad. You see their dad was a workaholic like my H and spend very little time wiht family. She raised 6 children without much support except financial. They were like two strangers liveing under the same roof. Only one thing H father tells him he has wished he had Divorced her but he stayed because he had too much to lose, house cars etc. My H is telling me that he does not want to look back 25yrs from now and be thinking he had made a mistake. My h seems to blame his Mother for more of his parents problems. His mother acts the same as me when she is mad she is cold towards the other person and you seem do distance yourself and there is no affection etc going on. Has told me our marriage is like their marriage.

Problems in our marriage are lack of time together, I have nagged him to do more things together. I have called him names like, jerk or dork in the past. He felt unnapreciated but so did I that he does not respect things that I find are important. yes I have seen what I have done wrong reading the books have opened my eyes. Basically it was verbal abuse even though I would say It in a teasing way. He never talks about issues but avoids them and walks out the door half the time and go work on something. Our sex life was not there much of the time H works night shift I never have felt very emotionally close to him. Children slept in our bed for the last few years but they are all in their own beds now. Things have happened very slowly over the years I just wished I had paid more attention. Things have accelerated since he has gotten involved in healing. His whole outloook on life is different. Its all about himself what he wants out of life that he needs to do this. That commitment in a M does not matter if you dont feel, he does not care who it hurts along the way even his children..

H tried to get close to me around may or so after he went to a counsellor why by the way is a healer friends she has no credentials. He tried to hug me once after he came home and I was mad he was gone all the time and I pushed him away and told him it didn't feel right. If he wanted to make love I would tell him I was tired etc. When he didnt get the response he wanted he told himself that was it and that I dont care. The problem is he was trying but never told me we never talked about our feeling as to what we want and that it takes two to try. Then a month went by and the same counsellor told him that he has has 3 past lives with me and that he needs to follow his healing path etc and that he has had a life with the Ow before.

Our daughter at dinner one night told us while H was there that her and brother thought that daddy was in love with the vitamin lady. H looked at me and asked what have I been telling them.
Just the other day he took the kids there. They came home to tell me they were there and that daddy and her were talking about me. They tell daddy this and he tells them nooooo it was about healing and that they were making up stories, kids then say they were making up stories I dont know what to make of this.

H has told me he has forgiven me but that he cant forget.

I feel Horrible for what I have done. At first I blamed myself. I feel so guilty and the worst part for me is looking at the children and thinking of a divorce and thinking that I have caused this. That all the pain they will go through is partially my fault. I cry so much about this. I dont want to see them hurt. It brings back painfull memories. My parents divorced when I was twelve. Different situation mother was a schizophrenic. We witnessed some horrifying things. Our family is not close because of this. middle brother still blames mother and he has issues of the past. Older brother is more accepting like myself that she was ill and that our dad did his best. I have such strong family values because of this. I want to live life like we might not have tommorow. Our children our only little once. They grow up to fast, the moment is gone if you dont grab it and spend the time while we have the time, I want to create traditions and memories for our children.
I just wish I had seen and read more books about marriage so I could have done better at our M so things might not have come this far.

I remember your story, so I haven't read all of the text in here. What is going on now? Have you sent exposure letters of the affair? What steps have been taken? What steps (for good or bad) has your H taken?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H has told me he has forgiven me but that he cant forget. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgiven you for what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>