My wife has been involved with OM for at least 18 months, recently I think it has become more than talking. Since DD 9/12/03 when she said she didn't want to be married any more. I have discoverd a lot. But I still don't know who OM is. She has all but admitted someone else, but won't tell me who it is. Several times she has come close to asking for recovery efforts. A week ago, I am confident that she tried to break of A. When she returned, she had been crying and said our marriage was over. She said, don't put me on a pedistal, I am not the Saint you think I am.

She keeps saying that I think A is more than what it really is. But she also says, she has caused too much pain for me, that it wouldn't be fair to ask for another chance.

I have asked her point blank about some possible OM's. She denies all that I have named. After DD, She kept saying there is no single men, 35-40 that I am attracted to. She has said this several times. Yesterday, I asked her if he was married, she said no, but turned and walked away.

I said there is no way two people could keep something this quiet in a small town for so long unless both were married or had one heck of alot to loose by discovery.

I have offered reconciliation, but she insist that there would be too much pain and resentment.

W says she knows that, she will never find someone who loves her like I do, but too much damage has been done. Last night W said, I see other people go through this and thought it would be easy. Why was she struggling with it so much. I can detect doubt every time W talks about it, yet she continues to call him as soon as I walk out the door. W is moving out this week as soon as all of her belongings are moved.

Please advise

feeling_crushed

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

Your WS seems to be wobbling between "fantasy" and "reality" and she's scared to death to take the last step.
I would suggest that you read all you can about Plan A and do it!!

As far as I know, most WS think that BS cannot take the truth. They don't believe that the marriage can survive "betrayal" and the "lies".
But once it is out it's a great relief.

If she really moves out you might want to write her a letter explaining that the door is open once she has cut off all contact with OM.

It's important that you don't pressure and demand. But it's also important that she knows that you will not be a door mat and when she is ready for honesty, you will be there.

As long as she is still at home, try to figure out her top Emotional Needs. Combine this with Plan A and give all you can.
That way when she moves out, she will have "something to think about" and mostly you have left a "loving impression" of yourself.

The next important thing to do is, get medication to stay "calm" because this is an extremly "highly stressing" situation.
Make sure that you take good care of yourself.

If you feel that you need someone to talk to, try not to depend on "friends". It's usually "too stressing" for them, I'd rather suggest to talk to someone professional or a pastor and of course Marriage Builders. You'll get alot of help here.

Take care
bb

Crushed, if she is calling him the second you walk out the door, are there not phone records?, also spend 50 dollars and get a voice activated recorder and place it in the area of the phone. I t is a cheap way to find out who she is talkng to.

Good luck, hang in there she doesnt sound all that sure as to what she is doing.

Rookie

crushed - Go to Radio Shack and get a phone recorder that you plug in to phone jack behind some furniture. Then you will have evidence of who OM is. Then if he is married, let his wife know. The A needs to be exposed. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Why was she struggling with it so much."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your W's affair has her very addicted to the OM but she's probably feeling guilt and remorse for not being able to totally end all contact with the OM, even though she knows that doing so would be the right thing for her to do. If she does move out, you may want to consider implementing Plan B. Plan B will help preserve the love you have for her that will be badly needed if and when at a future date she ends all contact with the OM and expresses a desire to rebuild the marriage (recovery is much, much harder than an ongoing affair). Plan B will also help reality into her fantasy with the OM, by having him fulfill all of her EN(emotional needs), and in your case it doesn't look like he's going to be very succesful at it. This fantasy has been going on for 18 months and it is high time to help bring some cold, hard, lethal reality into it.

Your wife is probably having an affair with a MM. Otherwise she would have been moved in with him. I am amazed that you have been in Plan A for 18 months while she is carrying on with this OM. She is probably amazed that she could show disrespect for you for all that time and you didn't throw her out of the house.

I had no idea until 9/12/03 when she told me she didn't want to be married anymore. She seemed as if she was in a hurry to get out. She made the statement would you rather I stayed and ended up in an affair. I am not the saint you think I am, don't put me on a pedal. I asked her if she had an affair. She said no, but the way I feel, it wouldn't be long before someone turned my head. She is very attractive but having promlem with 40 since she was 38.

At first she said no one would have her, which is untrue. I asked for a commitment to not date for 6 months to work on our problem at first she said yes. The next day she said, I am not putting my life on hold. Her words changed from no one would have her, to I never said there was no one that I would like to spend some time with.

I started looking closer and noticed all of the phone bills were missing itemized calls. So I went online and recovered the last 18 months. There are basically 2 numbers the keep popping up.

Just about all calls were made after I left for work, while she would have still been home and during her lunch break.

In hind sight, I should have seen the signs, but I gave her absolute trust. In the last 6 months, she has made multiple statements that if I ever cheated on her she would do this or that.

Since D-day, she has started telling me that there are more single women than men and I should date so and so. For months she has said there are no single men 35-40 that she is interested in.

I think OM is married. I think he can call her at work without raising questions. We live in a small town, everybody knows everything. It is no way a relationship could go on for 18 months unless both had a lot to loose by discovery.

1) The 45 $ u pay the PI is worth 45milion $. so pay find the OM. Expose it. Dont worry about her anger or resentment towards u. As u r in a small town, it will be a great slap fore both.

IF OM is married, tell her wife what is happening for the 18 months. This will get that MF bas*[censored] to show who he is to your WW. Man I myself an OM, we need a bigger 2x4. If possible get a scut missile on us. What we fuc* ing needs is just F**k and do have nothing to do with the WWs welfare . U have to show your W what would be the consequences of her actions.

Never ever think that the OM will marry her. If so then that is the best punishment for the WW. Cheer up

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>