I have a live in WAW. I am in the fight of my life and my goal is to keep my wife and children. I need help to get a PMA and focus on me to save our marriage. I feel lost and am having problems setting a plan and following it. In short here is what it up. Our stats. Me, H (42) W (40) children S11, S8, D3. Married 8/85. Yes, we have been married 18 years and in that time have had our ups and downs, to include a PA on her part in 1990. We did a poor job of working through that issue and it maybe a major factor in why we seem to have grown apart in recent years. Recent problems started Jan 03. Confirmed EA (Possible PA) with co-worker. Danger signals. Change in personal appearance, and personal grooming habits. Increased focus on fitness, change in routine. Leaving to go to work early, coming home late. Did have definite EA on cell phone. I saw the call logs and found out she was spending hours on the phone with this other married man. When confronted, she said she initiated the contact and it was just someone to talk to. She had multiple stories about this and did not really want to talk about it, said that contact was ended but I have no way to verify. She was extremely mad at me. Stated that I was spying on her. That she could not live her life under a microscope. A peak at our relationship, we have a stable life, meaning we do not argue, fight or have any abusive behavior (other than infidelity). Her major statements (complaints) ILYBNILWY, not sure why we got married, not sure we have anything in common, not sure if we can grow old together and be happy. Feels trapped and not in love. States other couples have better marriages and have more fun together. I made all the classic pursuit errors with letters, calls and flowers. She had classic response and grew distant. Our sex life stopped. She does not want physical contact. She mentioned a trial separation, I said no way that it was an easy way to end our marriage. I said I was going to fight for us and that there is no way I am giving up. She said that she would stay for the kids. She stated that she would be my roommate and that is all I would have. She said that she was not sure how long she could do this, 3 or 6 months. She said we have had good times but that she is just not invested in me anymore. Problem areas identified: Poor communication on my part, not letting her vent and not caring about her as a person. Affection, she feels that I can only show this when it leads to sex. There is a lack of humor or fun in our relationship. We have devoted significant time to our children and our professions. We have allowed focused together time to fall by the way side. I have identified this to her and she says that she does not have time to focus on our relationship. Stated that our relationship will work itself out over time or it was not meant to be. That I should back off, quit going over the top with my changes and just give her space. My problem is that I want to fix things now and change her and hear her say ILY. I know that I need to shift the focus to me. I know I need to do a 180, what next?

What is a PMA?

I know I need to do a 180
Why?

what next?
Stop, take a deep breath and (try) to relax.
Read Suriving An Affair and the links below.

Recovery from an EA or a PA takes the same path. Click on the link in my signature line for information on the path. Pay attention to the Plan A links. Her affair may be over, but she is not willing to work on the marriage. You need to go into Plan A to get her out of withdrawal, and commit to the marriage.

Hello, thanks for the response. First, a PMA is Positive Mental attitude, mine sucks now. Why a 180? Good question. I have done some limited reading, and feel that I am still un armed in the fight I am in. But I feel that I need to change the dynamic in the relationship. Not sure the best method other than trying to change my attitude from the dumps into something positive so I can be more productive. I need to like who I am and the manner I am living life in general. I am not in a "happy place" now. I find it hard to take that deep breath and relax. Must be wound tight right now. I think I am still trying to change my wife who is very resistant and not trying to work on myself. I am very good at fooling myself and seeing things from my point of view.

johnh39: Thank you for the links. I will read them and see if I can formulate a good Plan A. I fall into the working on the relationship alone category. Wish it was working together with my wife, but that is not the case now. Again, thank you.

Chris: I have done some of the reading you recommended. I now have a better, but still general understanding of Plan A. I read about the elimination of LBs and think I can formulate a plan about that. I am unsure of step 2 and 3. Step 2 as I understand, Confront my wife. I have talked to her about possible A, and she stated over and over that there is nothing going on that I need to stop pestering her. She did ask the retorical "What if I said I was having an A?". My response was I would be out of the relationship unless it was over. Then she went all quite. Step 3 of Plan A the expose the A. How do I expose something that I am unable to define. How do you gather information without doing LB behavior? I guess I really need to read a lot more before I take action??

Wow Yoggi, I can sure relate to you. I'm in a similar situation (wife will not admit A).

Conventional Plan A will not work in my case. However I have decided to adapt. I've already confronted her with all the evidence I could find and it made little difference, so I must proceed otherwise. I'm now attempting to eliminate all the LB's and attempt to discover the EN's that I've been slipping up on.

In your case your wife has already indicated some of her needs to you; this should give you a good start on how to proceed. Admission of guilt seems to hit a dead-end in some of these cases.

Rippendin2: Thanks for the reply. I know that my w has given me a clear idea of why she became a classic person that has a A, these are her words. I am thankful that she has given me some areas to work on, although she is still not receptive to my attempts at meeting those ENs. She has admitted nothing in the recent past other than an EA that is supposed to be over. I will work on putting deposits into the LB without taking out. I fear that hers is either at or near zero with me. I am not well equiped to manauver right now. I feel that I have to dig in and gather information while trying to restore the relationship with the LB deposits. I know now that I do not know a lot relationships, I am going to have to formulate a Plan A as no action on my part does not seem like an option. Thanks again, I wish you the best of luck

Rippedin2: Good to read that you have made some good progress.

Chris: Read the links and am going to get SAA book, thanks.

JohnH39: Read the links and I am working to formulate a good Plan A. Know that I have to learn more before being effective. I am willing to slow down and take some time in the development of a good plan.

Need some help to know how to avoid the trap of having what Cerri calls a “Flat and ineffective Plan A”?

What I have done to this point.
1. Confront wife about EA, possible PA.
2. Did not expose at work or to family as she indicated it was over??
3. Told her that I was in marriage for the long haul.

Working to:
1. Make love unit deposits by meeting EN.
2. Determine if EA / PA is really over. Behavior of WS has really not changed other than there are no cell phone calls.
3. Trying for undivided time, not working well due to rejection from WS.

She stated that she does not have time to focus on us. That if it is meant to be things will work themselves out. Stated I am not going anywhere, I just want to be left alone.


What I am striving to do is make changes rapidly so time will not run out on me. Response from WS is that I am overboard with changes and not acting like the person she fell in love with and married.

My conflict is that she wants me to change but is mad that I am changing. Said to back off and be normal, but that lead to the problem in the first place.

I am going to get the SAA book and read it this week.

I think a common response is to go somewhat overboard and shower the WS with attention...which might come off as a love-buster.

It seems the better approach is to appear that you are getting on with your life, improving yourself and yet still demonstrating that you can meet her EN's without smothering her. She will need a little space to observe you in action so that she can make her decisions.

You are right. Thanks and good luck to you.