The more correct title to this thread is "Differentiating avoiding LBs from 'Being nice'", but that's not really a Takola thread title and I wanted people to read.

I see many people who think Plan A, or avoiding LBs is the same as "Being nice".

IT IS NOT.

Honesty is not always nice. It shouldn't be cruel, but it's not always nice. Dishonestly (aka: little white lie, big lie, "no your butt doesn't look big") IS an LB, and those things are usually done to 'be nice'. Sometimes you have to tell your spouse things that he/she will not like, and will probably hurt. DO IT ANYWAY.

Sometimes you have to expose behavior to the light of day (addictions, affairs) and your spouse will not like that. DO IT ANYWAY.

'Being nice' often/usually includes such behaviors as dishonesty, conflict avoidance, and giving in when you are not enthusiastic. All of these behaviors are extremely detrimental to your marriage and are in no way associated with Plan A, Plan B, Recovery, or general Marriage Building.

Hey Takola, would you wander over to GQII and look at my latest posting? Am I "being nice" or accepting the inevitable?

will look

Here's an excerpt from Dr Willard Harley's book 'Love Busters' (page 115-116):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Don't Wrap Your Honesty In Love Busters.

While it's true that honest disclosures are often painful, couples often make them much more painful than they need to be. That's because their disclosure is often a Love Buster in disguise.

In reaction to Ed's failure to be home with Jennifer evenings, suppose she had greeted him at the door by throwing a dish at him? "You never have time for me anymore, you selfish jerk! I don't know why I ever married you!" She gets points for honesty, but her angry outburst ruins it all. Ed will never hear the genuine feelings she is expressing, because he's running for cover.

Or, suppose that Ed decided to take the same approach to his sexual frustration as Jim did in my opening illustration - by demanding sex. That's one way to get your feelings out on the table, but it's honesty wrapped in demands. And all it would communicate is brutal selfishness, not an unmet emotional need.

Many people wrap their honest feelings in the poison of Love Busters. When Takers respond and havoc results, they go back to bottling up their feelings. "I tried being honest and look where it got me." It's not easy expressing honest feelings without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, or selfish demands, but you can learn to do it.

"I'm the least important person in your life; you'd rather be with anyone else but me" is a disrespectful judgement because you are telling your spouse how he or she feels. The truth is you don't know how your spouse feels, unless he or she tells you.

"I become upset when I'm left alone at night" is an honest feeling, because you are telling your spouse how YOU feel.

"If you don't start spending more time with me soon, I'll find someone else to spend time with" is a selfish demand.

"I'd like to spend more time with you" is an honest feeling.

In conquering the Love Buster of dishonesty, you must do more than reveal the truth. You must make sure you express it in a way that informs without needlessly causing harm."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Good addition TMCM!

JustJ,

I read your first post and a few subsequent ones. What is your situation now?

I do not think you are giving too much, given the legal situation with which you are faced. I think that needs straightened out because you need to implement a full-blown Plan B. These two things may not be mutually exclusive. But, I need to know more before saying anything else.

Well, my situation has become a smooth-transition Plan B (assuming it survives the conversation with my lawyer this afternoon).

See my thread for more details. In essence, though, I was starting to see all the same signs in myself (LBing, loss of sleep and appetite, obsessing) that lead to a really awful place. So I stopped going there.