The man I have lived with for one year went on a golfing trip last month; only he didn't end up there, he ended up in another city without my knowledge to console his ex-lover (who dumped him) during some supposed personal crisis of hers. He out right lied to me about his whereabouts - now that I know, he claims he was just being a "friend" and he knew I wouldn't understand - but it just friendship. He was calling her for a month prior to this meeting.

Everything was great until she called and now everything is not - I don't know whether tokick him to the curb because Idon't know if I can ever trust him again..

Am I missing something here? This trust issue is ripping me apart.

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: LoriHouston ]</small>

Hi Lori,

Am I correct to understand that you two are not married at this time? Are you engaged?

I'm going under the assumption that you are cohabitating.

Even if nothing happened and he was being a friend, he lied to you. He betrayed your trust and lied.

Did you know about them communicating the month prior to this?

If not, another betrayal (JMHO).

Now, under the assumption that you two are not married, ask yourself, is this the sort of relationship you want in a marriage? He has shown you disrespect by lying to you.

I know it hurts, but if you are not married, maybe it is a blessing in disguise that he revealed this part of his personality to you.

He did not show respect for you by communicating with his X girlfriend. He was putting her ahead of you and your relationship.

If you read any of the links, you would see there is a bit about protection. By disrespecting you, he was not protecting your feelings or trust you have in him.

If you are not married, I would think seriously as to whether or not this is the right man for you.

No, we are not married. We started seeing each other a year ago in August and in February we started living together "taking it one day at a time". Up through 9/5/03 they weren't communicating - he never told me that this had resumed - all of a sudden he was pulling back.

I have been dealing with breast cancer this year and he has stood by me on that front. This happened the month after I finished my chemo - he didn't think I could "deal with the truth" and he didn't want me to "tell him not to see her" - so he set up this trip, with me thinking "good for him, he needs the break" only to find out he was seeing her. He claims they didn't sleep together - that he "admires and has affection for her" - he begged me not to end the relationship - but am I being totally stupid????

Lori: Buy, and read, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders".

Hi Lori,

I'm sorry to hear about the breast cancer. I hope you have a very good recovery and remain cancer free.


I have heard good things about the book John recommended.

As far as him using "not thinking you could handle it" as an excuse, to me, it is just that, an excuse. If he was really thinking of you, he would not have met with her or communicated with her in the first place.

As I look back at my relationship with my H before we were married, there was so many red flags that I did not listen too. Had I, I could have saved myself alot of pain today.

I am not suggesting you end your relationship with your boyfriend, I am suggesting you reevaluate it, and decide if this is what you want for yourself in the future.

At this point, maybe you could try some of the concepts here, see if you relationship can be save, or even if you want to.

At this time, I would not commit to him anymore than you have. You need to see what sort of stuff he is made of.

Hi there,

I don't buy your boyfriend's explanation at all. His ex ought to have her own network of friends to call on when she has a crisis. Past lovers are an obvious threat to a relationship and I think you should tell him that no further contact with her is a condition of continuing with you.

Also the secrecy is a big red flag.

LoriHouston

first of all, I'd like to tell you that I am feeling with you and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

How old are you both??? Is this your first relationship "living together?" Is OW in a relationship??
I don't want to sound "nosy" just want to know your situation better in order to give you my opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
hugs
bb

Sadly, we are not young lovers. I am 47 and he is 46; we both have grown children, both had long term marriages; he has been single for four years and I have been single for seven years.

I appreciate your input. I am learning that there is not pat answer to my situation; my heart doesn't know what to do and my head is so confused with conflicting information.

At times I have clarity; make a commitment to work this out toward a commitment of marriage or just move on; life can be very lonely.

Lori,

If you decide to commit and make it work, it needs to be two sided. Establish boundaries and stick to them.

Unless I am mistaken, I think the concepts can be applied to livin situations. He also has to be committed to making it work.

Is he willing to have NC with her?