I have been reading this board for several days and the website and I have previously posted a topic on whether or not my husband was having an affair. He became close with a teacher at work, developed feelings for her and vice versa, and they would talk on the phone when I went to bed and exchange e-mail (I found hers, not his but hers said things like if I just had one night with you, or I don't know why you are staying with her, and I know how we feel about each other is wrong but if feels so right, etc) My husbands swears he just needed someone to talk to and he never touched her but I am adamant that is was an affair nonetheless. He thinks I am pyscho and need to drop it and he is not sorrry for what he did, nor does he believe he did anything wrong. He says he is sorry he hurt me. We have gone to a marriage counselor and been seen togther once and each seperately. However I went out 2 days after I found out about the incident and contacted a divorce attorney. I just wanted information and has since been completely 100% committed to working our marriage out. (DR Harley says average turn around time for the unfaithful spouse is 3 weeks and we are now at 16 days and counting). However, he is still trying to contact attorneys, today in fact; he claims he just has legal questions and wanted me to open him his own bank account (I work at a bank)...hmmmm...he says he loves me and wants to be with me but yet is not 100% committed, he is afraid this won't work and has made no real effort to work this out. He talks to me, last night in fact and opened up and I felt as if the tide were turning then today he is his cold distant usual self. Do I need to give him an ultimatum? Also I asked out of respect for me that he and the other woman stop communicating and he told me that they still talk at school, althoug it is "totally different than before, we just talk about our kids and stuff". But he admitted they still talk. And her dad invited him to go to the gun range this past Sunday, after everything that happened! And of course she had to call his cell phone to see if he was going. I have to admit I haven't always been this calm, when I found out about the e-mails I noticed she was doing them in the classroom with the kids there....soooooo I happened to call the school board. Oops. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Then oops I found out who her baby daddy was (ha ha) and proceeded to tell him what a horrible father she said he was (hey I never lied just told the truth) and she says I am trying to ruin her life...hmmm...I watched her kid, cooked her dinner, and she even spent the night once because it was late and she supposedly had too much too dring. My husband invited her over knowing how she felt about him. She even wrote in her e-mail "I can't believe she didn't see through me Saturday night". Now my husband is willing to give up 7 yrs of us, 3yrs of marriage and we have a 17mth old baby. What do I do??? I love my husband, despite all this and I want him to stay but I feel so hopeless and violated and in despair. Why doesn't he want to be with me or us or his family? What can I do? Please help I need help.

I know what you must be feeling right now. My husband as well had an EA (says nothing happened other than one kiss one time) with someone he works with and told me he did not think it was necessary that he have NC with this woman because they were "friends" and they put all of this in "a box on the shelf". I also found out about it through an e-mail exchange (I saw both e-mails) including a part where my WH expressed to the OW that she was "the one" for him. My advice to you is to continue to ask for NC, be firm with your husband and avoid any outbursts with him. My husband agreed to NC about 3 weeks after I discovered the EA. It has been a very tough month for us and I don't expect it to get any easier, but this is the most important thing =I have done in my life to date - fight for your marriage!!

I am so sorry for your pain. I am approaching 3 months of similar behavior with my husband. However he has had multiple affairs both emotional and physical we have been together 2 years married nearly one. My husband's current affair is a long distance one and they have never met except on line but participate in phone sex, internet chat sex and email each other regularly.

First I say buy Harley's book "Surviving an affair". It helped me a great deal in the begining stages. It will bring you peace of mind and confidence that your marriage can be saved.

Next and other MB'ers may disagree with me here....get a print out of all the emails she has sent. Check his "sent file" to see if you can recover anything that he may have sent her. Hide these print out where he can not find them. Make sure that you have your back covered and eveidence of the affair should you need it.

I know that that does not sound encouraging and I fdo not mean to suggest your marriage will not work. But you will feel empowered by having eveidence you can rely on I know I did.

Now, for your own sanity, do not contact the other woman anymore. Although she is a horrible scank to involve herself with a married man she is not to blame. Your husband made a choise to persue her or lead her on. Ask your husband to sit down with you and fill out the Emotional needs questionnaire on this website. Each of you fill one out honsetly and read what the other wrote.

Try as hard as you can to be the picture perfect wife and to meet all the needs he listed on his questionnaire. I know first hand that this is easier said than done. This is called plan A and is a strategy to get him to stop contact with the OW.

He will not appreciate any of your efforts at first until NC is established and even then it will take him time to remember why he married you. I am sure he loves you dearly. But you must find out what this OW offers him that you do not and then give him what he needs so he will no longer need her.

Hang in there you can do it. There are folks on here that have done this for years and are still struggling. If they can do it so can you.

I will keep you in my thoughts. But buy the book tomorrow and get reading. Meanwhile keep away from demands on your husband until you have read the book it will work wonders.

BH

I also just caught my husband cheating on me with a woman who worked for him. She was in my home and pretended to be my friend, our children played together, and she also spent the night in our home. That affair has ended.

I then found e-mail from another woman who he had a affair with 2 years again and read " you are the one for me", " I love you". This is so hard and the last five weeks have been hard. I was suppose to be the only one he loved. It's hurts to know he wanted to marry her.

Your husband will be distant for a few weeks. I know my husband wanted to work things out, but day to day his moods were different. Now things are looking up. Not perfect, but he is talking, says he loves me, and only wants me. Hang in there. You and I are on almost the same time table. Keep me posted.

As long as he is in contact with her, the affair is continuing. I don't know how I would have tolerated a situation like you are in. My wife was totally committed to our marriage after DDay, and she only saw the OM about once every two months in a large company-wide meeting for the year after Dday, and that was bad enough. According to Harley, the chances of a successful recovery from an affair where the affair partners continue to see each other are next to nothing. Did you read the material in the link in my signature line? If you can convince your H to do it, read "Surviving an Affair" together. If not, read it yourself.