I probably have lots and lots of posts about that subject - the real question is where?
John or Star or Tak.... any ideas....????What Queen said is very true, at some point remaining in PlA becomes in itself a threat to the marriage. You begin to lovebuster because your Taker can't stand the emotional pain and trauma any longer - and frankly when you get to that point you won't care that you are hurting your spouse, you'll insist they deserve it.
So not only are you undoing all the good work you did, but you are convincing yourself that your spouse and your marriage are not worth the pain and the effort. I've had more than one person this week email me that they are done or close to done - people that I begged to do a good PlB and who just couldn't see the danger of staying in PlA too long.
At one time Harley had time guidelines that he talked about for when to move from one to the other. He said 3 months max for women in PlA and 6 for men. (Men tend to compartmentalize better.) He also said that many many people, particularly women cannot do PlA well for any length of time, the pain is too much, and so it can be done in a letter if that's the case.
PlA is a strategy to end an affair - not a strategy to prove that one can be a Mother Theresa clone - the requirement are a willingness to address the problems in the marriage and of course confrontation and exposure of the A.
Too often we see BS's who think they need to make the marriage appear to be the Garden of Eden so that the BS will come home. That's not necessary and I have concerns over the BS taking too much responsibility for the A. Responsibility for their part in the mess the marriage is in, sure. But no matter what the reasons it is never, never, never ok to go outside the marriage for emotional intimacy. It is not the BS's fault and they don't need to act as if it is.
Anyway - where was I - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Oh yes, timing. So, now Harley is saying you do PlA until you start to feel like you are going crazy. START is the key word there. When the pain is getting to you, when you find that you will LBer, when you aren't eating and sleeping wellm, when you spend a lot of time crying and obsessing - it's probably past time to be in PlB.
I compare the timing to an arc - a half circle like a hill or a bell.... If the beginning of PlA is at one end, there is a learning curve that has to take place. When you get to the top of the curve you are doing well, addressing LBers, attempting to meet needs (and you did the exposure/confrontation in the learning part of ther curve). The second you pass the top of the curve and are on the downward slide is the time you need to make the move. You still care, you still have energy and you aren't shooting yourself in the foot with lbers.
Go to my thread here at JFO - Cerri's thread for all MB questions and conversation. I think there is some good Plan A stuff around page 42 or 43. And then there is a post about a third of the way down on pg 53 that discusses what I think is a good PlB.
I'll check out your thread and reply over there.
C
