First time here, figured maybe some of you who've been through this could give me your thoughts...

H began acting sort of different around middle to end of August, I was around 8 months pregnant. He's always been unhappy w/his job, not proud of himself, etc., just to give some background. He does wedding photography on the side and he had some weddings the weeks leading up to my due date, so he'd take the cell phone with him. One morning after he'd had it the night before, i felt suspicious. Checked the call logs of incoming/outgoing calls, and they were (conveniently) erased. Everyday i was online trying to get that bill..it took a while to access though. In the meantime, i really didn't think things were real different..sometimes, but not overall bad or anything, maybe i was clouded by my pregnancy, who knows? We have the baby, first night he went home w/our oldest son..second night, he stayed at the hospital, our oldest son was w/his parents. So another reason i didn't think much was up. Thought if something was going on he'd for sure have not stayed a the hospital w/me that night.

Second day i was in there, a "friend" (girl) of his from work came to visit. The minute she walked in the room, i got this sick to my stomach feeling, kid you not. H was there along w/my sister and our friend who was our nurse. We all kind of talked. The friend had brought her wedding photos, yep, she was just married at the end of August. So whatever, she visited for a bit and left, i didn't think anything of it...and looking back i don't think much had developed at this point, things were probably just starting. One comment he made that still pisses me off is he was talking about the delivery. Well he had held one leg up, even took pictures, and he said "let's put it this way, i'm never making love to her again". (we have, btw)

A lot of the time we were in the hospital, i noticed he was short w/me. If i'd say something, he'd sometimes snap, etc. This isn't like him. I was also trying breastfeeding for the first time, and had thought some of the tension resulted from that. I also want to add how much he really thought (and wanted) this baby to be a girl. I think this may have led to some of the problems we're now having, even though he is very loving toward the baby, another part of the problem is that i think he does not want us to turn out like his family (not that there is anything wrong w/them).

When i got home from the hospital, one of our cordless phones was on the bed. I hit redial and later figured out, it was her number. Didn't think much of it at the time. And like i said, i really don't think anything was going on at that point..it'd take some balls to call her home number, i'd think he'd have just called her cell instead.

That week, he had off of work- Monday through Friday. By Tuesday, i could really tell something was wrong. He was sitting on the floor and i put my arms around him and asked if everything was ok. He said no. So i expected the usual complaints about his job, etc. but instead got that he feels like he may be falling out of love with me. That he misses that hunger and passion that he once had for me, etc. This killed me. I asked him if he was talking to someone else, he said no. Our oldest is 9..it took me that long to want to have another child w/him. There have been things in the past that made me distrustful..nothing as concrete as all of this, but still. When i was (see the pattern?) 8 months pregnant with our oldest, i found a note he had written to a woman in China. He'd met her like 6 months earlier while on the job, he worked for a hotel and had driven her to the airport. Looking back, the letter wasn't all that bad, compared to what i'm going through now. He talked a lot about me and our unborn son, but he did put a line in there telling the girl "if you wanted to kiss me that day, i probably would have". He's always been the flirtatious type.

Back to the day after he had a "breakdown"--he decided that he needed to go to the dr. get some depression drugs, etc. The rest of that week was a little awkward. On Thursday he went out to get these beer labels made, it's what we used to announce the baby's birth. Still don't know if that's where he really was, but around 1pm i began having this awful cramping..couldn't stand up or take care of the baby much so i called him on the cell phone. He said he'd be right home. He came in and cared for us. i took some medicine, then started to feel better so he asked if it'd be ok for him to go back to the guy's place for the labels. So he did. Later that night, we were out and i checked the cell phone calls..he didn't erase and i seen he called a cell # at 2pm, right after he left our house. Later that night i confronted him about it. He said he called work cause he was worried about my cramping, i said that's not a work #, he said he called this girl (yeah, the "Friend" that was at the hospital) cause he was worried about me. Well what could i say. Several days of upsetness, confusion followed. I'd be in and out of crying, etc. He'd try to comfort, i felt in my heart something was wrong.

Finally that cell phone bill became viewable. He had called me on lunch one day from his dad's house, said he'd be there if i needed anything. Then i go online and see that the person he called that day he magically erased the numbers was her! He'd also called her on her wedding day and some times before. I tried to call him back at his dad's and the number was busy for 45 min. I know in my heart he was talking to her, though he will still say he was talking to his dad. So when i've asked him why he had her number to begin with..well he had taken a pic of her and her fiance for her wedding guests to sign. So he said he had her number to get in touch w/her for that (mind you they work together). So here i have nothing to go on...getting the "just friends" excuse.

Keeping my eyes/ears open in the meantime. He is off on Wednesdays. One day he starts to workout i go upstairs cause i've been checking pockets. I find a note from her and it says "i have a question for you, do you look absolutely gorgeous in everything you wear? i wanted to hug you so bad last night, it killed me. Thanks for the gum." and she also wrote I "heart" U... I BLEW up..came running downstairs yelling " i cant believe you're doing this" first response from him was a lie "it's not for me" BULL! I knew her handwriting from the card she'd given us in the hospital. So he denied, denied..also gave me some BS line about helping her through a tough time (more like vice versa..like she's having probs after just getting married). I didn't know what to do...i said i was going to call her husband then he said call her. So i did. Called on her cell and then she asked if i could call her right back. so i did, then said i found an "interesting" note in his pocket. She said they're just friends, that it was flirting that had gone a little too far. Nothing had happened between them, etc. Also i remember H coming home a few weeks before saying how her and some of the other workers got in trouble for talking to him...distracting him i guess. I remember how worried he seemed. So this is apparently what got them started on passing notes (how high school). After i got off the phone w/her, we have a huge blow up. He says all these things that i still cant believe he said..some i have blocked out. But how he's not proud that i'm a SAHM (i do work part time and always have mind you), then he says how i don't play sports w/him or our son. I think he's forgotten the fact that i was pregnant. Then he starts saying things like we've always had problems etc, when i see the problems just developed over that last month or so of me being pregnant. He hasn't acted differently, he says he just hasn't told me how he's really felt-nice. Also says we don't need marriage counseling, that this is his problem. He says there are things that he wanted in a wife, and basically he feels i may not be it. HELLO! the time to talk about this would've been over a year ago, before we had this new baby... that's why i think it's BS. Also about a month ago he started talking to his dad about some things, saying that he felt differently for me. His dad stuck up for me, saying that i was pregnant, etc. One day he called me from work upset saying that it's not us, we never fight, that he needs to get some helep for how he's feeling. You see, he goes back and forth.

Really dont know what to believe. Last week was strange. During one of our fights, he said that she was out of town for 2wks w/her H. Well Monday of last week he never calls me til after lunch (he always calls on lunch) saying that he went to the car to fall asleep. Said he told a coworker he would be in the car. In a later conversation i asked why he didnt call before he went out to the car and he said he didn't know he'd fall asleep (?).. Tuesday said he was meeting his dad. Again calls after lunch saying what's up w/my dad, he wasnt home..well what he'd do for the whole time then? This week i know she really is gone. Yesterday and today after going to his dad's and the door being locked, he went to my moms--strange huh? Anyway Thursday of last week i hit a low point. He called and said he was going to his dads for lunch, but if the door was locked would get a slice of pizza then come back to work to search for jobs. He pretty much made it sound like he was going back to work. So i'm on a street, i pass right by him. I turn around but not quick enough to follow, so i figure i'll drive by the places he said he'd be. Guess what, couldn't find him. Went back to his work, not there. Start freaking. I had my friend call his "friend" on her cell, lie and say i had an emergency she said he wasnt w/her, that she was actually heading to work to drop some things off. So i wait at work. Figure i'm going to tell him i needed keys to get into my mom's house. All of the sudden she pulls in so i confront her. Again, says they werent together. As much as i regret this, it did give me a chance to say some things i didnt get to in the other conversation we had. I had asked her if she thought she had marriage problems before and she said no. Well this time i told her that if she's writing a letter like that to someone else's H that she DOES!! Several other things were said. She was very nice to me like last time and said again that there was nothing going on, i always reply w/"not yet" and she says that it wouldn't have gotten to that point, etc.

I don't know what to believe! From all of what i've read on here, it definitely sounds like there was at least an EA and i have no idea if there was/is or would've been a PA. Maybe my H wanted that more than her and there wouldn't have been..who knows?

He definitely has a lot of other issues, like the depression and stuff. And i guess i sometimes dont make him feel like he does "anything" right..but he's also not that happy around us sometimes and maybe that is the reason for my reaction?

I think we need marriage counseling ASAP. When i've brought it up, again he says he's the one w/the problems, yet look at all the stuff he's said to me? That is why i think he either had the A or was close to whatever..cause it's like he has to "decide" if this is what he wants, right?

One thing he said during our first blowup followed by that phone call was that he wished he could leave for 2 wks..just get away, but he'd be afraid i wouldn't be here for him when he'd come back. Another reason why i'm thinking A.

What do you think? Could this all be his depression? Do you think they're still talking a lot? Do you think it could lead to a PA? Please give me any and all advice that you have

Sorry so long. Thank you if you've made it this far.

A little more background..i'm 28, he's 31, soon to be 32. We have 9 yr old and newborn sons. We've been married since '95 and together since late '91. Another thing he seems to be trying to "throw" in is that maybe we've "grown" apart...

another thing..he says he doesn't want to go to a marriage counselor because they are "pro-marriage" (DUH!) Which leads me to believe he wants an excuse or someone to say it's ok to leave (if it comes to that).

And then he'll talk about long-term things, like there's no question of us staying together...AAHHHH!!!!

other things he's said that i've forgotten to put:

When asked if something was going on, he has said that he'd leave before it got to that point. My dad had an affair and he says he seen the hurt it caused.

No matter what happens, he wants to be my friend and protect me for the rest of my life.

If things didn't work out between us, he wouldn't even go for "her" (to which i replied HELLO she is married!)

I talked to him extensively about how things would change if we had another baby (he really wanted another for a long time, said he never imagined his life w/just one child). I brought this up again in a recent arguement, how we talked about how it'd take that much longer til i could get a full-time job and he knew this and he replied "things change".

Basically, i feel that i may be lacking in some of the things he feels he wanted in a wife, but obviously it never bothered him before, til now he finds this "friend" at work who seems to fulfill them..that is my final thought.

you guys are going to kill me yet! something else--we are having regular sex, and while we do i can sometimes get him to french kiss me. But he will not just french kiss at any point during the day..and won't really give a reason why either.

Unfortunately, most marriage counselors are really not very pro-marriage. Read the links about conselors in my signature line link. you will find the answers to some of your other questions there, too.

John..thanks for your replies! I have read a lot of your links and they've provided a lot of insight.

Tonight, i casually mentioned that i think we both could benefit from going to a MC..i think we both have some issues w/each other and learning how to effectively communicate them would, i feel, be helpful. Do you think it's worth pursuing? I got a un-enthusiastic "fine" from him when i brought it up. Better than the usual blow up of "it's not you, it's me" i thought.

Thank you again for your thoughts. They are very much appreciated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cherelle- Your H is in the fog - pay no atention to anything he says - they all say the same thing. I would suspect that he is having a PA. Read up on Plan A and try to stick to it. Also keep investigating and let OW's H know what is going on. As you read through posts here, you will see your H is just like all the other WS's, so don't take it personally. Congratulations on your new little one, and try to take care of yourself.