I found out 2 days ago that my husband of almost 2 years, slept with someone else 4 months ago, and just now came clean. I value my marriage, and have no intentions of giving it up over this. BUt I don't have a clue where to start to really move forward. I forgave him, I just don't know that I will truely be able to get back to I love him..... please anyone , advice welcomed. I want the love back we had last year....

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: christinas2001 ]</small>

Chris:

You've come 2 the right place! If you haven't done so already, please check out the articles on the home page about infidelity. Then, find a good counselor (there is info on the home page on how 2 do that, as well).

There is a lot of great help here. I hope that Johnh39 sees your thread and responds 2 you. He's got all kinds of info all organized for newbies 2 get a jump start!

♥2long

Christina welcome to MB.

First, accept my sincerest regrets for the emotional upheaval of your H's affair, but you've come to the right place because you will find that you are not alone and that there is a wealth of information and insights from the folks here.

I highly recommend that you and your H read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'.

You can rebuild your marriage into a much happier and healthier one, but it is going to take work from BOTH of you. You will make it.

Christinas:

I found a thread of Johnh39's that I thought I'd direct you 2. It's all there! You're going 2 be okay, okay?

-ol' 2long

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=002559

thanks to you both, I will check out the sites and books you suggested. I love my husband and am willing to do all I can to work this through. I am just very hurt since all it was about was something different during a trying time in our marriage. Sucks, I just feel like I am ignoring it has happened, and her is the sad part. I feel bad that he feels bad for it. He feels like mud, and I keep trying to assure him the action was mud, bot him..........how is that for weird. I am feeling for his emotional pain, for what he has done, more so than mine. I am not even mad about it, I feel like I understand why it happened, it shouldn;t have , but I don't think it would happen again. Does any one advice that you forget it, instead of going to counseling and dweeling on it.

Christina,

You and your husband need to process the affair. I've never heard one person who swept the affair under the rug find that that was the best thing to do.

You see there's a message to every affair; and unless you're both willing do dig into the cause nothing will be learned.

Read all you can on this website. Download the Emotional Needs Questionnaire & Love Buster's questionnaire. Many of the answers you're seeking will be found as a result of doing the work on the questionnaires.

Sounds like your husband is remorseful and the affair is ended. You're likely to recover just fine; only thing is, it won't happen on it's own -you have to do the work.

I strongly recommend His Needs Her Needs that can be purchased on this website. It's invaluable! Blessings, CSue

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Christias

I forgave my WW on the spot years ago. We've both been unhappy since, but NOW were working on it, hard. NOW we're communiating. NOW we're taking the right steps. I finally realized that I had never really forgiven my wife. I tried, but simply put, I failed.

By supposedly forgiving my wife so quickly, I suppressed my need to go through the various cycles... sorrow, denial, rage, etc. I limited the time I needed to communicate with her. We fell into a cycle of not talking about our feelings, needs etc. She was willing to talk, but I felt as though I was hurting her whenever I NEEDED to talk, so... we didn't.

Trust me on this... if you and your husband WANT to feel that love again, you will, but thats no garuntee of a blissful marriage. Don't limit your own needs, get help through counseling and study, and above all, make sure you take the right steps towards your own recovery.

Good luck.

M

you all are so helpful. Its hard to talk to friends, which I have one some, but its embarrasing to admit your spouse has cheated on you. I am unsure of my desire for the following. He didn't use a condom, she was not on birthcontrol, and he apperently didn't pull out. Should I demand he contact her, and be sure she did not end up pregnant. I made this request of him, but now am having second thoughts. Should I leave it alone, since he has had no contact with her since the affair. And does not want to call her. I just don't want a surprise, we plugged the date he was with her into a pregnancy calander, due date to my upset, our anniversary.........Advice needed

There's always the possibility of a 3rd party making contact on your behalf. Anyway, if it's one of those "hovering" issues for you... fix it. Unresolved problems take a long time to fade away, if they ever do.

M.

Okay the positives for this negative event.

It was a very short affair.

I gather by your post it had ended without you becoming involved.

If I am reading right he confessed as well.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your husband to get tested since he had unprotected sex. He owes you that.

yes you are all reading right, it was short and ended without my involvement. They actually from what I was told met, talked, and wen on there ways, only to meet a second time this time having sex. My husband realized what he had done, and that he was totally wrong, told her I did not deserve his behaviors, and left. Never to hear from her again. Then he hid it from me for 4 months, then came clean about it. I am very happy to have him be so honest with me, but I dwell, on the chances of he being pregnant. My ?, whether I should insist on him contacting herto find out ,or leave an ended relationship alone. And hope she isn't andwe never have to speak to her again.

Thank you for your kind words, I am sorry for your pain also .. I wish you the best.. I will not offer advice but can tell you to listen to the people here they are GREAT people and have some really great advice.

Surviving an affair helped me alot you will definetly want to read it. I wish you the best! L&C

2001

I wouldn't insist on contacting her about anything. If is indeed pregnant from the one encounter then she will indeed contact him.

Couple of points.

One you need to make sure its just the one time.
Yes I know I told you it was a positive he told you....A BIG POSITIVE...but there is still the chance he doesn't want to fully disclose.

Unprotective sex in a first time encounter is not real common in these days and ages. She would have to have a high level of comfort with him and vice versa to take such a chance. Normally unprotected sex occurs after more regular encounters when mutual comfort level is higher.

Now I say normally I am not saying this is what happened but you need to be opened minded about all posibilities.

But I am concerned about the second meeting being planned but still no protection.

Even if there were more than one time you still need to give as much credit as possible to the fact he ended it and he confessed all on his own.

I have to disagree with you stunned-dad with this paragraph.
Unprotective sex in a first time encounter is not real common in these days and ages. She would have to have a high level of comfort with him and vice versa to take such a chance. Normally unprotected sex occurs after more regular encounters when mutual comfort level is higher.
I think its real common for unprotected sex to occur because they both get caught up in the moment. I was shocked at my H because being a first aider and also in the fire department, all of the pitfalls of unprotected sex from herpes to aids is drummed into them, and he still had unprotected sex with the crotch cricket and I caught something from her. I think its more common then not actually. Most affairs start out as friends so the comfort level is already there. They think that their friend is 'clean' so to speak and would not have any kind of nasty disease. SURPRISE SURPRISE.

Thanks you all. I feel confident that they didn't know each other, but got swept away in the moment. He met her on the internet, then met just to talk, he was going thru a rough time in our marriage, she thru a divorce. There may inlie the comfort level. He says she called him and invited to come by to talk. Then a while latter called and again asked could they get togehter. this time, it ended up in unprotected sex. No communication since. He swears he is going to make this right again, I just don;t believe deep down. As I set him up on the internet last time I suspected, and actually got him to send explicite photos, I then busted him on the fact that he would be so cruel, as to be involved in any way with someone else. And honestly heard, the things I'm hearing now, back then. My hope, if any....that now hes got it out of his system. Any one think this is a possibility. We have printed and done the questaneirs from this site, they were helpful. But I sort of realized, that in a small way, I may have contributed to this behavior coming about, As it seems we both have alot of room to improve on meeting each others needs.