I must admit- this is my very first time to ever write things like this on a computer screen. But-on the other hand- some things are meant to be- and I feel like this might be. I usually get this newsletter- and of all things- it came today. I don't have much time-so I'll get to the point. I am a 38 year old wife-and mother of three precious sons. My sons are my world- and I thank God for them. Unfortunately- my husband has had an affair, for several months. I knew something "wasn't right", but he lied to me. I "caught" him - so to speak- and told him that I knew he was guilty-that he needed to get his things and go. Well- first of all...I didn't "KNOW" anything firm- just what my heart and gut told me. Second of all...he did leave. That was admission of guilt. But- after the "friends" got a hold of him- he quickly tried to re-tract his admission of guilt and he stormed back into our house. Legally- he can, and he knows it. After 7 months of pure HELL, I really did "catch" him- cold hard proof. Yet - he still denied many of the serious details of his affair. It wasn't until recently- the last few days- that he owned up to most of the details that I know about. He says he did "lots of things wrong with her- but I swear - I never had sex with her." I don't believe him- I have every reason not too! And- worst of all-----she is bisexual. That is too hard for me to stomach. My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. I've asked him for his complete honesty- because I feel very certain that he did not stop himself from full-blown sex. What he's done is bad enough - and it hurts! I guess I just don't have anybody to listen- and he sure won't. He HATES to discuss this and most of the time- refuses which ends up causing a HUGE fight. So- here I am- just hoping that someone out there has been where I am and most of all- just venting here has helped me tremendously. I don't think I want to be divorced- I don't want my family broken up. But- this wasn't my choice- and this is killing me! I see very little change in his behavior- and that makes me think he still hasn't broken this thing off with "her".
Thanks for letting me get this anger out this evening. Please Pray for me!

i'm new here too, my first post is below. I don't know for sure what my H has or hasn't done..just a lot of things that point toward something really bad.

Does your H want to work on the marriage? Have you thought about going to marriage counseling? Mine says he will go, but that he doesn't think it will help because it is "his" problem---he is also experiencing depression right now.

If you want your marriage to work, i think marriage counseling would be a good idea, or even some counseling for yourself..to get your thoughts out. It's hard not to feel like you're going crazy, isn't it? Especially when you think your H may still have contact w/her. Mine does through work so i know i will always be questioning what may still be going on.

Well just wanted to say hello and welcome you. I'm sure some others who've been here longer can really help you out too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> best of luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He HATES to discuss this and most of the time- refuses which ends up causing a HUGE fight. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In most cases, doing things that he hates will drive him away. There are some exceptions to that, and you should be doing them. To find out what, read the "Plan A" links in my signature line link, below. However, right now, don't discuss it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see very little change in his behavior- and that makes me think he still hasn't broken this thing off with "her". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a reasonable assumption, but he may just be in withdrawal right now. You will need to find out which it is, because it affects how you should treat him. If contact between them is ongoing, you should be doing Plan A for now (see the links in my signature line link) but after 7 months, I would imagine you are at the end of your rope, so Plan B may be your only option. The problem with that is that Plan B is supposed to follow Plan A, and I am not sure you have done Plan A. If he is in withdrawal AND there is no contact between them, he should start to improve in a few weeks - though it can take months to get completely through it.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I to seem to be going thru this. It helps alot just to vent. My husband hid it for 4 months, then came clean, and said he would tell me all I want to know, whenever I feel like asking it. But I still wonder if it will hapen again. He swears he loves me, hates himself for hurting me, and will be changing alot to make us better. I know we will make it, but I am dealing with the possibility that she may be pregnant. He /they used no protection, and he didn't pull out.......... If she is whick I am insisting he find out, it would be due on our aniversary.......lucky me, does it get more hurtful thsn that.

christinas2001,

Please read as much as you can about MB. Then you should also post at pregnancy/OC board, there is more experienced people there to handel you situation. I hope that she is not pregnant and if she is ... it is not your H.

Sports Mom & its cherelle, follow John's suggestions.

post and vent here ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> -rh-

Sorry to say it, but I'm glad I'm not the only new kid on the block (my first 2 posts are below).

My cake-eating WW had a meltdown 2 days ago. I caught her in a big time lie that involved her parents and brother/SIL, several of her close friends and her boss. I gave her more than enough rope, then gave it nice sharp tug. Now everyone knows about the A. Her parents have been calling me, trying to get a hold of her (her family is very supportive of me). Since I'm in Plan B (6 days now), all I can say is I don't think she has fallen of the face of the earth yet. I suspect she is finally facing some of the shame, guilt and embarassment of her actions, that she hadn't planned on facing. I told them to give her some time to come to grips, then she would probably contact them.

Probably the toughest part of this whole ordeal has been watching her run back and forth between OM (co-worker) and me (cake-eating). Just when I think she genuinley wants to work on the M or at least the R (so she tells me), her and OM kiss and make up, I'm left to pick up the peices of my feelings that got trampled. Plan A with a cake-eater is a fustrating, draining and sometimes futile exercise that sucks big time.

Not sure what is going to come from this, but I know it was a serious reallity check for her. With most of her family and friends sympathetic to my plight and saddened by her actions, she has pretty much isolated herself from the people she was closest to. As much as I hope this triggers a break through, I'm not holding my breath, just my course.

It sucks to have to be here at all (affairs). But there are some truely great, insperational and carring people here to help you through these unspeakably painful times. Take care!

Hi Sportsmom,
I am sorry for your pain. It is an unbelievable feeling of confusion.
Hear me, There IS hope for you.
I will pray for you - this is the greatest source of strength.
God, who was betrayed by his closest friends on earth, knows your pain and cares for you.
More than that he has the answers we all need.

Do what you need to be whole these days. Seek out friends. Seek a counselor.
Read on the topic.
Walk, exercise, pick up that neglected hobby.
Pour your best efforts into your 3 beauties.

3 months after my W left I made a list of 15 positive changes - things I may not have focused on if she were still with me.
It doesn't solve much, but it does provided a needed balance & lift on the down self-pitying days.

Remember - H is to blame.
God's grace does heal.
Don't panic. Do have faith.

Mike

Sounds like you need to work on stopping the LBs and and start a sound Plan A. The only person you have any control over at this point is yourself. Read SAA and HNHN carefully.

Another clue to your situation is found in this statement:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am a 38 year old wife-and mother of three precious sons. My sons are my world - and I thank God for them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where did your husband fit into your world?

Healthy marriages make relationship maintenance a top priority. When the marriage is healthy, it's usually pretty easy for mom and dad to agree on what's important for the kids.

I think you need let your husband know that he's number ONE to you and not some peripheral attachment to your family. If it means Johnny misses scouts or Bobby doesn't play soccer this week, so be it. The marriage is more important.

Low

Sports Mom

Do some engine searchs on affairs and how both the betrayed and the wayward spouse behave.

This link is typical with what you will read:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/patternaffair.html

Once you have some insight into what you are feeling and what he is feeling then you can approach workings on things better.

My best advise is "don't give up". If you want your marriage to work, read everything on this web site and get Dr. Harley's books. It is amazing how much most affairs have in common. Start with plan "A" immediately and remember that your husband is in a "fog" and is not himself.

I have gone full circle and just wanted to let you know that the concepts on this site worked for me and I am a believer!

I also wanted to comment on "My sons are my world". Be very careful. God says to put Him first, your husband second and your children 3rd. There is a very good reason for this order of priority. I had always put my kids before my husband and ended up driving him away. All of my love went to my kids and my husband didn't feel like he got any of it. So when a co-worker started paying attention to him, he found it very appealing and thus the start of his affair.

Bottom line is that if you want your marriage to survive and grow (yes it can grow), start focussing on how to better yourself and follow the priciple outlined here and trust in God to carry you through.

I never knew that marriage could be so awesome, too bad it took an affair to wake us up!

Many Prayers,

Le