DD was 9/12/03. She started with "I want out" and didn't hesitate. At first she said there was no one else. But I knew by her actions it was. She found and rented a house almost immediately. She signed a one year contract. Tonight is the first night she is not staying at home. Most of her clothes are still here. Since DD she has had days of "I have to have some space" and days of "do you think we can work through this"

Her attitude towards saving our marriage changes daily. We have had a couple of good weeks where I almost thought she might stay at home. Today when she got home, she said I am staying down at the house tonight to see if I can do it.

She could see my facial expression, and asked what was wrong. I am going to be there all night. I said, I just don't trust you. She responded by saying you can come down if you don't believe me and turned and walked out.

I don't believe that she will have him at the house, but I do think she will make contact with him. It seemed like we were on the road to recovery and wham, she was out of the door.

One day she will say, I will never find someone who loves me as much as I do, or you are the only one I have ever trusted. The next day she says, I only love her because she is leaving.

She keeps saying to me, "you know I love you don't you" I don't know how to respond to that, the last couple of times, I said sometimes I do, and other times it just does't feel like it.

She has said repeatedly that she would like to work on our marriage but she feels that there has been too much damage.

What words do I use to respond, without being offensive.

I like a man who asks questions I think I can answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You use honest, heart felt words, that do not attack her but express your feelings. No, LB's is the bye word here.

Just be honest and heart felt, but don't attack and don't defend. Just express your feelings.

If you are feeling lonely tonight, just call her and tell her you just needed to hear her voice, and then tell her you love her and hang up. If you don't feel the need, then just don't do it.

You are not in plan B. It seems evident that she is in or has had an affair, but it also evident that she KNOWS in her heart she is making the wrong decision. Let her reach that decision on her own. You just be you.

If she asks "Are you hurt?" Answer Yes.
If she askes "if you know she loves you", and you don't know it, then say "NO". Or if you are confused about it, tell her that.

Be honest, you will never have to remember what you said if you are honest every time. You will never have to apologize if you are honest, but also do not attack her.

Ok, how did I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there and

God Bless,

JL

Your wife is playing mindgames with you. She is keeping you guessing to keep you attached to her. Stop listening to what she says. Look at what she is doing. The fact that she signed a one year lease on a another apartment should tell you that she has made up her mind to pursue the love of her life. IMO you need to go to a Plan B/D once she moves out to show her that she is not the only one who is moving on with one's life. Make sure that she is taken everything that belongs to her and than change the locks. I hope that you have protected yourself by cancelling all joint credit and bank acounts etc.

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

She called tonight @ 9:15. I asked if I could call her later she said yes. I waited until 9:45 she said she was cold and there was a draft in the house. She said she was blowing out her candles and going to bed.

I had someone ride by from time to time. Her car was there at 11:00 but it was gone at 12:30 I called and got no answer. She was still gone at 01:30.

I rode to the house of suspected OM. But I didn't see her car. I called both numbers that she had been calling recently and got voice mail on both.

She is off tomorrow due to the Veterans Day. I know she will be coming to get more of her belongings.

Do I confront her with this, what do I say. Is now the time to move to plan B or do I wait until she is showing more uncertainty. If she was with him last night/this morning, and I close this door, should I wait a couple of days? What should I expect her reponse to be?

What is plan B/D

fc, may i interject with some thoughts?

try to understand that you have no control over your W...what she says, what she does or what she feels. at this point i would guess that she has no concions where you and the marriage are concerned...hard for you to accept i know but to survive, you're really going to have to get used to this simple premis.

currently she is a cheater and G-D never made better lyers! cheaters lie! that's who they are...that's what they are...so try to understand that you can believe less then 10% of what she may say...good or bad. my point. don't let it affect you so!

you really need to stop stalking her. she has decided to move out for what ever reason. this means that she doesn't want you being that close to her at this time. if you don't accept this then she will probably react but moving further and faster..away, away,away! so if it were me, i would back off...ask no more questions and make no demands on her as far as her actions are concerned. you can't chnage them so learn to live with them.

if it were me, i would be respectfull in how i communicated with her but honest as to how i feel and what i believe. i would not argue with her, or get into hollering or screaming matches. i would listen and be a respectful as i could be. i would however, not enable her to do what she does with comfort. i would gaurd my finacial situation and not be putting myself out to make this move one that helps her to behave in a way that you find objectionable. in short...i would not be at her beck and call or be willing to provide her with material comforts. i would let her do all these things for herself.

look, for her to come back, the affair has to end on her terms...not yours. she will end it when she wants to...you on the other hand need to project the image of a calm mature person willing to love her no matter what and accept her back when she is ready to go into recovery.

coach

Plan B is separating from your wife and not interacting with her except if it involves the children. This plan is suppose to make your wife miss you and eventually return to your loving arms. Plan D is a more convincing form of Plan B which involves filing for divorce and showing her that you are moving on with your life.