About a week ago, I found an email to my wife's lover. It came as a bigger shock than I can describe. Until now, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life, and truly felt that my wife felt the same way. We have 2 boys, aged 1 and 5.

It seems as though it has only been going on for about a month, and only has happened 4 times. My wife says that it has nothing to do with me, and that she loves me very much and always has. She says she was doing it because of an addiction to 'attention'. But I still can't help feeling like a sucker for believing that it has nothing to do with me.

I try to get out of her what I may be doing, or what she was thinking to make her want to have an affair, but she cannot come up with anything but 'I don't know'. I can honestly say that as far as attention is concerned, she had it pretty good I think. I have always told her how beautiful and sexy she is, and how wonderful of a person she is. She says herself that I gave her a lot of attention, but she was just addicted to it and couldn't get away it from this guy because of how much extra she was getting from him. It just seems so far fetched to me because in my wildest dreams, I wouldn't have ever considered risking any of it...let alone for something meaningless (which is how she describes it).

She says that she has absolutely no feelings for him at all, but I am having a hard time grasping that possibility because she is such a caring person. She bonds with people so easily, and always has because of the type of person she is. She is the type of person who people meet and want to have in their life.

The affair started with internet chat, and eventually she gave him our home number and told him where in the city we lived. Soon, she recieved a phone call, and, just by coincidence, he happenened to be 'in the neibourhood'. He was there five minutes later and it all began.

I feel like an affair has very little chance of ending so abruptly, and find I have much doubt about what is going to happen next. My wife does seem very upset at herself for allowing this to happen, but even after a week, I am having trouble getting past the hurt of it all. He lives in the city, and obvioulsy knows I work during the day, which was their correspondence time. I'm feeling like if she was weak enough to let it happen once, how can I be so nieve to think that it could never happen again...especially since she says it was fueled by and addiction to attention. Plus, she can't tell me anything at all about what is not good in our relationship, which would have caused her to stray.

Should I believe her when she says that she is 100% happy in our relationship? How can this happen to someone who is in that state? How could she risk her husband and family if she was really that happy in her life? Do I have reason to think that this could continue even though she says it is comepletly over and all she want to do is work on our relationship? HELP!

You ask how can this happen in a relationship where there are no major problems that could have contributed to her having an affair, and the only answer I can give you is that there a people who have self esteem issues that make them very susceptible to become addicted to the attention of an OP(other person). Does this seem to be the case with your W?

You also ask if there is a chance that this will continue and my answer is yes it will continue until your WW(wayward wife) makes a committment to NC(no contact) with the OM FOREVER and follow an MB oriented marital recovery plan. I cannot overemphasize the importance of NC for without it, it is like an addict still having access to his/her drug. Your WW must tell you who this guy is and whether or not he is married (if he is, then hiw W(wife) needs to be made aware of her H(husband) affair). She must agree to give you access to all of her e-mail passwords, cell phone statements, etc. as a sign that she is serious about ending her A(affair) with the OM(other man). Of course you can't force her through love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, etc.) to do all of the above, but you can convey to her that without her willingness to commit to carry them out, the marriage is headed for divorce.

Sadandhurt please read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair','His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'; Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'; and all the articles on this website. Below my post you'll find quick links to many of those important articles.

One last thing, affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can tell you what her innermost thoughts and feelings are, no matter how unpleasant they are for you without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.

Good luck and keep us posted.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM has given you some GREAT advice. I sort of take exception to his recommendation of HN/HN and Lovebusters, simply because I think that is is far more valuable to read and discuss the books together with your wife, and do the included exercises, than to just read them all, and that takes time. Reading through SAA and TA, discussing them and doing the exercises, is both the more critical piece of the recovery puzzle, IMO, and it will take you quite some time. SAA contains a fairly complete summary of both HN/HN and Lovebusters, so as you identify what are the critical issues by using the included exercises, that should give you some direction about what you need to read next... but that's really quibbling. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I believe her when she says that she is 100% happy in our relationship? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While it is possible, it is EXTREMELY unlikely. It is much more likely that she is unhappy in ways that she does not recognize herself, or is unwilling to admit. However, if you follow the advice in the link below in my signature line, you will both eventually discover the truth or falsehood of that statement.

The day my wife confesseed her affair to me, she told me: “We have a good marriage. It wasn’t about you, it wasn’t about him and it wasn’t about sex.” Those statements seemed ludicrous to me. But, it was partly curiosity about what those words meant that kept me around. My wife is a very intelligent woman. I didn’t understand how she could really believe what she had just said. My dominant thought was probably that she was lying to herself. But, I had a sneaking suspicion somewhere in the back of my head that there was something I had missed - something I didn’t understand about those words. Part of recovery was for me to find out what was true about them, and for her to find out what was false.

Click below and get started.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I think the advice that I have recieved here are part of what is making this so hard for me. My wife and I have always had the type of relatoinship that has been open and honest. I have always answered my wife honestly about everything, even though sometimes I knew she wasn't going to like the answer. She says that she has been honest with me in every aspect of our lives except this (I did catch on on a chatline with another guy once, but he lived 2000 miles away, so it wasn't about a sexual affair in that instance). She said at that time she had learned her lesson as well.

She has committed to no contact with him, and says that 'she didn't even really like him...he was just giving me the attention I wanted'.

At this point, I think we are at the point of talking about this honestly. She is answering all of my questions, and I don't like some of the answers. Many of the questions are answered with "I honestly don't know", which I must admit, is a little concerning. She says that she is willing to do anything it takes to get our relationship back to the way it was.

As far as cell phones, and email passwords...I already had all of these before this happened. That's how I found the dreaded email. Apparently, once sent, it didn't appear in the sent folder for her to deleted, but showed up days later for me to find.

Johnh39 - I discussed your response with my wife, and she is still adamant that there is NO problems with our relationship....but claims that she knows that she has some personal problems (her need for attention). I guess I don't understand much of this...since I know how much attention she gets just walking through the grocery store (she is what most people would consider remarkably good looking).

I read your statements about what your wife said, and how you felt about it....and honestly....the words are EXACTLY the same here, I feel exacltly how you express you did. It's creepy. I have a question for you....did you and your wife make it through this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"but claims that she knows that she has some personal problems (her need for attention). I guess I don't understand much of this...since I know how much attention she gets just walking through the grocery store (she is what most people would consider remarkably good looking)."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is she willing to go to IC(individual counseling) to find out what is triggering that addiction to attention?

Toomuchcoffeeman - yes, not only is she willing, but she says this is something she needs to do regardless of what happpens with us. She has already contacted a local councelling centre in regards to this. As for your question about would she fit into the 'low self esteem' catagory, yes I would say that she fits in this catagory. She has been married before, to an emotionally and physically abusive man, and she was molested by her Step-Grandfather when she was 11. Maybe this has something to do with it, I don't know.

I am the other half of Sad and Hurt. I can just imagine what those reading this think of someone like me. A CHEATER !!! I know that I have distroyed all trust and respect that he has had for me. And the hardest part for me, is that I don't exactly know why.
Even though he isn't sure of my feelings,(and I have given him many reasons to be unsure of anything I say) I can say without a shadow of a doubt that he is the one for me. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful friend, lover, husband and father. You ask, then why would I do something like this? I don't even know the answer to that question but I do know one thing, that I have issues of the past that have nothing to do with him that I have simply not dealt with. I am certainly not trying to play the victim here, but I think the facts of my past are an intricate part of what lead me down the path to self distruction and the distruction of someone I love so much.
As I child, I was overweight, teased and it was hard to make friends. At age 11 I was molested by my step grandfather and then my grandmother chose to disown me thinking that I was trying to wreck her life by surfacing it. That relationship with my grandma is still not repared although HE is dead. At fifteen I met my childhood sweetheart although he was very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive, I still married him at 20. Although, trapped in a marriage which I was scared to leave, I took the chance with a man that I could see was perfect for me, and although the wrong choice in having an affair with him, I did but then later left my husband to start a new life with him. The difference in the affair with him was, I was unhappy in my relationship with my ex and had fallen deeply inlove with him. (My current Husband) This is just not so in the case of this current affair. There were no feeling of Love involved and he is not even the type I could ever see myself with. But he certainly knew how to play me.....And....I am indeed the SUCKER here !!
I also lived the tragic experience of losing my baby girl HAILEY to SIDS. She was full term, but only 9 days old when she died. I know there is al ot unresolved there, because till this day no matter what anyone says, I will never understand what I did to deserve my daughter being taken away from me.
He has always been good to me, made me feel like a queen and has never lied to me or disrepected me. From the day I met him, he was a breath of fresh air and he made me feel like a queen. I have always felt lucky to have him. The important thing to realize here is that I never intended to respect him either. It felt like I wasn't even in my own body when I made these bad decisions. All I know that through the chats on line with couples and singles, I was enjoying the attention that it was giving me and dismissed it as innocent chat to feed my ego. I never imagined that I could get trapped like I did.
My husband has a hard time believing that I had absolutely no feelings for this man. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that he was feeding a need for attention that I had....AND THAT IS ALL ! I feel no void in my life now that he is out and infact I am glad that I got caught so that I could wake up to reality and realize how terribly selfish I was being. I do believe that I have an addiction when it comes to attention. Over the past year I feel that I look better than I ever have. I have shed 35 pounds since my baby was born and so many people have told me how they just can't believe I have had kids, let alone 3. So, the more attention I got from friends, family, my hubby and just people in general it only made me want more. In a warped sort of way if made me feel worthwhile and I hadn't felt that alot of my life. The worst part is I was so concerned what people thought of me on the outside, I wasn't concerned enough about what they may think of me on the inside. I certainly lost my way.
My husband thinks that I am putting on an act right now because I have been caught with my tail between my legs. That can't be further from the truth. I have never felt so worthless about myself in my life. I can't live with the fact that I have hurt someone so much, espectially the one that I vowed to the day I married him that I would do nothing but love honour and respect him.
So.....I know that this has woke me up to reality and has made me realize that I need to deal with some unresolved issues of my past in order to clean up my life and get on with a happy and successful life. I can only hope that it is with Him.
Of course I am scared about how he may never feel the same about me again. But all I can do is try. I know one thing for sure, if he is willing to give me a chance I will be greatful, and repay him the rest of my life with the upmost honest and respect. I hope that in the future this experience will make us even happier and stronger than ever before, but I also realize that I need to work hard at rebuilding the trust and credibility. To do that I will be nothing but honest from this point forward. The reality of this is, My husband could just say FORGET IT and walk out the door on me at any time, and I wouldn't be able to blame him, but I also know that I have to live the rest of my life looking at myself in the mirror and know that I am a decent human being and that I would never wrong someone so bad ever again. They say that we learn from our mistakes and I guess time can only tell my wonderful man how much I have learned from this. With no credibility left it is hard to have him believe how very sincere that I am about changing. I know he is in so much pain right now and I wish that I could take it all away. But...since I can't, all I have to to is try my hardest to be the person I want to become and the person I know he can fall in love with again.
We will be seeking councilling together aswell as myself to help with other past issues, but I would take any advice that any of you have that could help our situation. I just wish he could read my head and my heart right now to know how sincere I am and that I want nothing but a life with him. I can only hope that one day he will believe that.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: Full of Shame and Regret ]</small>

We are recovering pretty darn well, though there are issues that remain. Our marriage is MUCH better than at any point before the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has been married before, to an emotionally and physically abusive man, and she was molested by her Step-Grandfather when she was 11. Maybe this has something to do with it, I don't know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is likely. I was expecting something like this. She has learned to associate sex with shame, abuse, and emotional pain. Until she is able to re-set both her thinking and her emotional reactions to sex, it is going to be tough for you to recover

What is your faith? If you are Christians, "A Celebration of Sex" is a great resource to work through to get God's positive perspective on sex. My wife and I are using it.

sadandhurt,

I want you to know your story is NOT unique. You need to look up "stunned-dad-fast recovering" posts. Especially his first posts, you can do that with the search function. You can find his id # in his posts on the Recovery Section. In fact, you may want to post to him there and tell him where your story is.

You will find that there are and have been many BSs in your shoes, whose spouse was abused as a child. There is even a woman Maxlo3 whose H was abused and guess what?? Affairs.

I realize you are very skeptical right now, and you frankly should be, but please post to these people and do a search on the web of childhood abuse and the consequences to these children as adults.

I realize that even if everything your W says is true that it doesn't help the pain of your discovery, but it may offer you an explanation (not an excuse) for what has happened. If this turns out to be the case, she can address these issues, "stunned-dad-fast recovering" W did so. He still struggles as you will see in his posts in Recovery.


Full of Shame and Regret I am glad you are posting here as well. I think you are going to find much more help here than you suspect. I want you to follow your H's path as he reads about Stunned story and even the posts of his W which are rare now. You may want to post to Stunned in the Recovery section as well, and ask him your questions. You will need a good counselor to get you through your issues, so choose wisely.

Your H is going to need a lot of help with this, but he will and can be a great help to you as well.

Please do the reading, please find a good counselor to address your abuse issues. You will be absolutely amazed when you read Stunned story. He may be able to direct you to his story and that of his W so ask him. If not I will help you two find it. The search function on this site can be flakey but if you use the Member # and look in General Questions, Just Found Out, and Recovery you will likely find his posts.

But ask him. I hope you two will do the reading of the articles on this site, especially the articles about "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. They will be very helpful to you.

So go ask Stunned and I will send him over here. This can be fixed, but it will be a long road. You two can do this.

God Bless,

JL

Well glad to see both of you here.

Buckle up and batten down the hatches you are in for a bumpy ride......but you can weather this storm.

My first post:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539

Full of shame do you see some common things?

Her first post:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010718

sadandhurt do recognize some of things she has said to you?

Guys I want you to know you will be closer once all this is dealt with...right now you can't see that right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but claims that she knows that she has some personal problems (her need for attention). I guess I don't understand much of this...since I know how much attention she gets just walking through the grocery store (she is what most people would consider remarkably good looking).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay here is what staying at a Holiday Inn Express and reading every single book and website on sexually abused persons has shown me.

Her need for attention is a result of the destroyed self esteem the abuse caused her to suffer.

You see she doesn't believe she is a looker so she has this void...its a void its not a need. If she is getting all the attention in the world but doesn't believe in any of it she still has the hole she still has the void.

My wife is very attractive. But any efforts on my part to tell her that were often met with "your suppose to say that your my husband, or you just saying it because you are my husband."

You see her self esteem at the time was so low that she could not accept flattery she could not accept a compliment because she didn't feel WORTHY of being complimented. Hence her need for positive reinforcement (something every one has) went unmet not because it was not offered but because she could not accept it for what it was.

My wife had a 2 1/2 year affair and was relieved the moment it ended. She too could come up with no logical reason for the affair.

You both need to understand something....sexually abused persons don't have the normal outlook when it comes to relationships. Its not a knock its is a fact.

Because she was abused she learned very early on to disassociate herself for sex. In the beginning it was to protect herself. But it was still a learned social skill. In the affair she disassociated herself from her marriage. My wife often said I was her soulmate in the middle of her affair.

So am I suprised she can end the affair so quickly....I would have been a year ago when I knew little on sex abuse and how it impacts a person. But I do understand how an abused mind works now.

Are you at risk in the future....well nobody can forecast the future at least nobody off this world. But she has learned how badly she can hurt someone that loves her. You have become her hero because you above all people stood by her in her darkest hour.

She has learned much, grown much....she does need to address those painful abuse issues from her past.

Full you may not think they have impacted you as much as they have but many an abuse victim underestimates how impactful earlier abuse is to their adult behavior.

I want to suggest that both of you read "The Healing Sexual Journey". Its a great couples book dealing with a wide range of issues in marriages where one spouse was abused.

Full Of I want you to read "Outgrowing The Pain". Its a very easy to read inciteful book for adults abused as children.

I mainly stay over on the recovery board. So get to reading. Get started healing and move your marriage and yourselves to the Recovery Board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Full of shame and regret. You have gotten excellent advice from just leaarning and stunned dad. They have helped me tremendously in processing my pain from my H's SA that happened during the first 10 years of our M. I didn't find out til we were married 34 years and only now have to deal with it. What I have learned is that my H associated sex with shame stemming from his child abuse my other men. This caused him to be addicted in his teens to this kind of sex. After 1 year of marriage to me he tried for some girls, succeeded with some others he didn't. Also he went back to his teen years in acting out. He has changed since the late 70's.

My H was always 100% happy in our M back then. He was and still is the best caring person around. That is why I didn't have a clue to his actions in the 70's. So believe her when she says she is happy with the marriage. If it is an addiction it has nothing to do with anything wrong in the M but only wrong inside of her. A good counselor will help both of you in sorting out feelings and giving you direction in your M. You can click on my name to check my post under My story....please read. It is not a pretty picture. I am 11 months into recovery. It was hard very hard but you can have a wonderful relationship in your future. All it takes is hard work. You two can do it. Maxlo3

Well,
Like everymorning in the recent past, I woke up not even being able to look at myself in the mirror. So what if I am a PRETTY GIRL. None of that matters to me anymore. If I can't look at myself without thinking that I am an awful person with so many problems, how could I possibly think that the way that I look has anything to do with what people think of me. I have accepted the fact that I am a weak person and was suckered in. Somehow I got caught up in a world that if people were telling me how beautiful and sexy I was that would make it all OK. That can't be further from the truth. I am now going to live my life so differently. The only thing that is important to me now, is that others see me as a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, businesswoman, community member, and that they see me as an honest, sincere, loyal and unselfish person. I have long life ahead of me still and I have to be able to live with myself even if my H decided that he can't.
I believe that this site is a useful building block in helping our recovery process. I know it helps him to realize that he isn't alone and that he has people to turn to. I can only hope that the pain he is feeling gets better. I am aching so bad to watch him hurt so bad, but I have also come to the realization that the pain, shame, regret, distrust, no credibility, being questioned constantly is all stuff that I have to deal with. I deserve it!
I do know that the ton of unresolved issues that I have are surfacing more since this situation has surfaced. I think acceptance is the first step in fixing all of this. I know there is a long road ahead, but I can only say that my H is so worth the effort. So by helping my self with the deamons of my past, I know that I can be a person that he can love and respect again. I realize it has only been such a short time and I will wait as long as it takes to feel loved by him again, but I would be lieing if I didn't say that I am worried that he will never feel the same way about me again or even close to it. The only thing that is in my control is to try and become a better person. By becoming a better person I can only hope that he will love me again. He says he still loves me, but I am sure that he loved the ME that he thought he had, and has fallen out of love with me through all of this. Although I do see his efforts to get past this, I have a huge concern though that with the realist that he is, he can't stop the negative tapes in his head. He plays out the details in his head. I know he can't help that, but I really don't know how the details of the situation can possibly help him get through this. Not only has he agreed to go to marriage councelling with me, but I know that I must seek help for myself. AND I WILL!!!
We are only at the beginning now, and I know that the future looks unclear for us, but I can only hope that someday we can look back at this and say that this has changed me, and us for the better. I can only hope that in time, we will have a long and happy life together.
One thing that concerns me about this site though is all the stories he is reading about the victims in this that never recover feelings for the spouse. That has made him only worry that his feelings for me will never recover. To get through this, I know we both have to believe that we can get through it. I know that our history and the love that we shared, and my willingness to get help, can get us through this. I want nothing more. I will wait as long as it takes.
Thanks to all of you for the attemps that you are making to help us through this. You have provided some really good advice. Please don't hesitate to give us any suggestions to help us through this. You haven't heard the last of me. I hope that he makes submissions also to get the feelings that he is feeling out and deal with them rather then harbour them deep in side and let them eat him up inside . Thanks Again All!!!
God Bless To you ALL! !!!

s&h and fs&r,
what's particularly sad about your mutale situation is that once the genie is out of the bottle, it can't be put back in. things can't be as they were. there's been a loss of innocence that's truly tragic.

yet, situations can change...and while things may never be the same maybe that's not so bad!
consider...you both thought everything was great and look what happend!? maybe one would thus have to believe that things weren't quite as wonderful as you both thought.

in any case, fs&r is sounding a little bit like an addict...as if she isn't quite in control of herself...and if this is true then you both should take measures to assure that she doesn't let her "problem" out of the bottle again, (like that genie i was talking about before)... because while it's human to error...it's not advisable as a constant state to live in!

soooooo....may i suggest boundaries? like no use of the computer! like no lunch dates or after work drinks with the girls or other men...like total accountability for all time alone?

i suggest these things because they will be a pain in the @[censored] for her to live with...and because they should be. because saying i'm sorry and that i don't know why i did it just isn't enough! but living with the residuale effects of what one does and the consequences of having done them...well that often helps to remind us to never do themt again!?

just a suggestion.
coach

Sad and Full,

There are few things you NEED to understand. Sad, you can and very likely will regain the feelings you had for Full, but it will take awhile. Read Stunned Dad's latest post in Recovery. It has been a year for him and see where he is. There is a plan to regain those feelings and falling in love again. It can be done.

However, you are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for the 6 to 12 months. That is the nature of these things. But, each day, week, month you will level out more and more. You will do the two steps forward-one step back routine. Many many issues will surface, but hang in there.

Full, do get to counseling. I really hope that you two have read Stunned's threads. You do have issues to address, but you also will need to show love and understanding to Sad as he works through this. Many things will be said, and some will not be pleasant or even true. Hang on, as his rollercoaster levels out you will see the man you love more and more.

You two are finding out about the marriage vows and what they really mean. Everyone focus's on the fidelity part, but there were other parts to those vows and they are equally important, "sickness and health" is one.

But, I would remind both of you, that you have been given a chance to build a better deeper more profound relationship and marriage, and this one period of time is short compared to the time you two will be together. Use this time wisely, it will not be easy, but many have gone before you and been successful, you two can do this. If you do, your marriage will have a depth you never imagined and surely have not had to date.

Go for it! Both of you.

God Bless,

JL

Full: It sounds like you are intending to completely ignore your sexuality and concentrate on all other aspects of your life. Don't. By doing that, the abusers win. Fight to get to the place where your sexuality can be a part of a healthy relationship with your husband.

Johnh39,
I think there may be something that you are missing about our story. In the past, we have not had any trouble with intimacy. We have had a very active sex life,(6-7 times a week) and from both parties we can't agree more that there was never a problem with intimacy. Of course things have changed somewhat recently with the closeness that he is able to feel, and understandably so. But the issues that we are having are not whether we have fun together in bed. Obviously the feelings go much deeper than that. It is going to require a rebuild in the friendship catagory. Respect, and Trust. We know that that is the key here, but even in the past week although some elements are obviously different we still know that we can find some pea ce that there is still so much chemisty and love deep down in there. I appreciate your input, and you are certainly intitled to your opinion, but just realize that each situation may have a lot of similarities here, but there are also differences which no one but us can understand. Don't let this stop you from you input in the future however. You have great advice and you are not expected to know our situation. Thanks again!

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: Full of Shame and Regret ]</small>

Thank you and you are right, I do not know your situation, I only know what you have posted. The rest of it I filled in with expectations based on my experience. In my experience, it is very unusual for a couple to have a satisfying sex life where the wife has your background - so my expectation was that you did not, because that is typical. The same applies to couples where the husband has a problem with porn - it usually has a noticable negative effect on their sex life - though, as in your case, I can think of some exceptions to that. Of course, you never know - maybe it DOES apply to you, and now your sex life will get even better!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Well....here we are. It has only been 9 days and it certainly appears that we won't be out of the woods for a while, but I am willing to accept responsibility for what I have done, and make the necissary changes and deal with those daemons of my past which are coming back to haunt me and putting me in the path of self distruction. I wish I could take all his pain away. I know in time he will understand that this was never about him, this was about my feelings of rejection in the past and not dealing with them. In turn I relied on outside attention to feed my ego. I want to now focus my attention on the parts of me an my life that need help and of course making it clear to my Hubby how much he means to me. Deep down inside I am still very scared that he will never fully recover his feelings and his trust for me. But all I know is that we both seem to want to put the effort in because we can't see our lives without eachother. I have ordered, Love Busters and Surviving the affair and I am looking forward to using those tools along with my personal councelling and councelling together. I know we have the right idea to get through this. I know it won't be easy and I am certainly not expecting it to be. I made my bed, now I should lie in it. But what obviously pains me so much that the bed I made, my husband has to also lay in. I know he loves me, and I love him. I know we can get through this. Who knows how long it will take but we will.

Johnh39-One thing to remember about my past is it wasn't all sexual abuse. Although many circumstances in my life have filled me with pain and made me feel abused and rejected, were those of:
A. Losing a daughter (feeling there may have been something I could do to change that)
B.My grandma disowning me (when it was her husband that molested me)
C.Marrying an abuser that walked on me like a doormat for 7 years and sent me through six root canals to fix a blackened tooth in the front of my mouth from a punch in the face (only to mention one incident)

I am not trying to play the victim, but very little of my loss of self esteem has had a connection to sex and that is why I feel that I haven't had a problem being openly sexual with my Hubby. Does that make sense?
One hump we have to get over right now however, is he can't help but have pictures in his head while he makes love to me. Even though I am full of regret, I can't explain how even now how it feels to make love to him. I know it will only take time for those negative tapes of his to dissapear so that we can be just as connected as we were.
Of course it isn't all about the sex !!! For example, when it came to the other man, I was not at all in it for that, and infact it wasn't even comparable to what I feel when I with my husband. I was neither addicted to the sex or the person itself, just the attention he provided me with. I never had any feelings for this man. He was a player and I realize that now, and I being so weak and enjoying attention any way that I could get it, when down a road of selfishness to feed the need for attention. You may not believe this but, I am glad that the truth was uncovered now to give us a shot at repairing this. This had firmly planted my feet on the ground and I want nothing more that to change and fix my daemons. With my loss of credibility I can only hope that my husband will see that I am sincere about all of this. It is hard for him to know what to believe right now. But.....in this case, I hope that it is true what they say "Time Heals". But in this case not without concious effort to do so.

Thanks All! Please continue to read our threads and offer any advice you think may help us through this. Like anyone else here, we won't pretend to know all the answers.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Full of Shame and Regret ]</small>

Hi All !
You may have read our story under infidelity. Yes, my husbands handle here is SAD AND HURT and mine is FULL OF SHAME AND REGRET. We are only 10 days into our crisis and of course I am taking responsibility for the damage I have caused. I realize he is dealing with a lot of feelings right now that don't allow him to feel as close to me as he used to. I have read a lot about Love Busters and The Love Bank and think that these principles can be very healing when put to use. It may be a little to soon for this yet to implement these ideas, as he is still full with hurt and anger. One important thing to remember here is my leading to cheat had nothing to do with him. It had to do with a deep dark past of crisis’s that I have not dealt with fully that caused a breakdown of my self esteem and impaired my judgment. My husband has always shined in my eyes. He is a wonderful person and a wonderful person, which is why this is so hard for him to understand why I did this. He has always made our relationship equal and have given back as much as he has taken in this relationship. In some cases he has give more.
Lately, for obvious reason he has got himself so far into a depression that he seems to not be trying so hard at being the husband that I have grown to love. Showing affection to me, helping me with household duties, saying Thank you and please etc. Like I said, I can't expect miracles. I understand that it may take time to get the husband I loved back and I will give him time. I have only reminded him to not let himself go into a further depression by letting this take over who he really is to me and the world. I think this has taken a lot of his drive and his motivation to move forward. I know I can only do what I need to do and that is to seek help for me issues and to continue to be there for my husband and family. It is true that in the last 10 days I have put my focuses more into things that will benefit my family. Cleaning, cooking, fun things with the kids, making his favorite dinners, helping my sister with wedding plans (how ironic) but the point is that I have been trying to become a better and less selfish person. I am doing this stuff because by putting my efforts into others comfort and happiness I think I am ridding myself of the selfish behavior that I was caught up in. The thing that hurts, is through discussion last night, my husband says to me “Yeah but you are doing these things to suck up!“ That cannot be further from the truth. I am doing this stuff because I want to bring happiness to those I love. Although happiness doesn’t seem realistic to him right now, I can at least help with his comfort while he grows through this.
My question to all of you is this. Do you think he would benefit from Antidepressants? He is worried that this will only mask the problem. I have been on Antidepressants in my past and I know how they work. It is not them alone that solves the problem. It is they, along with other helpful tools that helps people work through difficult times. I know that the way they affect the brain, they are to bring on a more positive approach and to help with motivation to move forward and not stand still. I believe this will help him move on and recover himself and not just our marriage. I would hate to see this ruin the person he is. Of course I have already told him how I think it could help him. But…..coming from someone that has no credibility to him, I can see how my suggestions just seem like a desperate need to find something to help the situation. Also not true! I know it can help us move along toward recovery, but the main purpose for my suggestion is to prevent him from slipping further and to work toward moving into the future. Any advice on this that you all are willing to give, would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I just want to add, if antidepressants aren’t the answer here, then how can I help besides what I am already doing to show him that I am working toward being a better person from this.
He also said to me last night that he felt very happy with me as his wife all along, but he did admit, that he never knew if he could really trust me. He never voiced this to me although his actions and words in the have indicated that could be the case. He said that he knows one thing, that if we do get through this, and he gains the trust for me, he will feel he has it way better than he ever did. In other words, I will be the same person he always loved but now he no longer has issues of trust. Hearing that was actually quite promising that he wants to move through this and recover our marriage. And I can only promise that I will do whatever it takes to make that happen for him. So he can look back at this situation and say how it has changed us for the better. Of course that is not saying that he will ever be glad it happened, neither do I, but learning from my mistakes and reaching out to each other may be able to create a stronger bond than we ever had.
I have always been a person to write down my thoughts and feelings. That has always seemed to help me. SO if I am ever rambling on, or don’t make any sense, I apologize, but I also want to gain support from all of you to help us through this. It brings mind to a phrase I know. NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. Which in my mind says that no one is expected to be alone. A person should utilize every avenue of help, and ever person that can help them to recover from a hardship.
I am done babbling now…..I will wait to hear from all of you with your observations, advice or whatever you have to offer.
Thanks Again!!! CHEERS ALL !

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Full of Shame and Regret ]</small>