Bumping.....we haven't heard from a lot of you lately. Pepperband? TooMuchCoffeeMan? Stunned Dad? Is anyone there?

Weekends are always slow on the boards.

I was wondering how the counselling went?

Love and light,

Jacky

HMA,

How are you two doing. I don't know if you have read all of Stunned's posts, but one of the hardest things he had to deal with in recovery was that his W felt that she had been reborn, most if not all of her issues were being resolved in counseling, and in a way the A was a breakthrough for her, while he simply had pain.

It didn't seem fair, and in a way it was/is not. But, hopefully with time the new W will make Stunned happy enough that he will lose the resentment for she gained at a terribly high cost to him.

I would suggest that you be aware of this as well. It is very encouraging that you are starting to see your issues from you past. It is very encouraging that you are going to see a counselor.

By the way how did you session go with the MC??

But, do remember that all of this good has come at a cost, a big cost. You seem to be taking away the right message that hiding from problems and issues is NOT likely to work and it is good to hear that you are indeed getting a grip on things, but be aware that this is going to take a long time for your H to get over.

God Bless,

JL

Well, here is an update for all of you.

We had our first councelling session last Wednesday. Before the session we had a blowout and my H almost didn't come along.

I told him that I was going to go anyway because I will no longer run away from things that will help me become a better person for us and for me.

He finally decided that he would go and we went. It was very hard. This session was a lot about informing the councellor where we are and why and discussing some roots of my past.

Although it was emotionally draining for the both of us, I believe putting it all out on the table was very good. I think she is a good councellor, it is apparent that she will be a person who will stay objective. She pointed out to me that I seem to be playing a victim and that I have been for years. It was a realization that I don't think I had thought about quite that way before. She also pointed out that although my H had been victimized by me, he did not have the behaviors or the background to understand a victim.
She believes that the action from here should be some individual councelling. She mentioned that seeing him alone will allow him to vent his feelings freely and that I am in definate need to deal with my past. That was no surprise to me.
She is seeing him today and myself tomorrow. In the meantime, my husband and I are doing the best we can to try and understand eachother. It certainly isn't easy.
The councellor also pointed out something to me. Often in the past month I have said how I understand how he feels betrayed, disrespected, and that he can't understand how someone that loves him and that he has done no wrong to, could treat him this way. I began to draw parallels that my stepgrandfather and my exhusband had treated me the same way.
Our councellor pointed out the this was not helping. Of course, the words from my husband have been, you don't understand what I am going through and I thought I was helping by telling him that I did. But apparently this is what she is talking about when she says that I am playing the victim. I understand now that I should not even try to understand how he feels because I simply do not know. By having that approach, and just being there to listen and support him through what he is feeling that is all that I can do.
My councellor agreed that I need a lot of councelling to do with my past but that it was up to me to get through that part and just be there for him.
I guess you could say that it all made sense and I am no longer trying to draw parallels.
I know it is going to take a lot of time to regain the trust. Infact, because there are elements of him that didn't trust me before he even knew about the affair, I can see it hard for him to understand that I am truly trying to become a better person. I want to become a person that I can love myself. Since this all came out a month ago, I have aired all of the dirty laundry whether I felt it would hurt him to hear or not, I have answered questions he has had for me honestly and I am also being brutally honest with myself. I know how horribly lost I am right now. It is hard to live with myself knowing what I have done. Now that I have woke up, I know that I have to do what it takes to become and honest,loyal and moral person.
This I know can only help the marriage but whether he ever trusts me again or not, I have to be able to live with myself for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that over time, he will see I am not just talking the talk. That I am walking the walk. I Know that this is not just a time to prove to him that he can trust me. This will be a lifetime change for me.
Like I said my H meets with the councellor tonight and I meet with her tomorrow. I will keep you posted.
We have a long road ahead. But regaining my own self respect and respect from him is my upmost priority.
Of course neither him or I will ever be glad that this happened, but I do see that this is a huge turning point in my life. It will happen because I will do whatever it takes.
Thank you all for your input. It is really helping us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
Hugs to you all!!!

And sadandhurt,

What is your take on the counselling?

Love and light,

Jacky

Wow, my second post today. I didn't intend on this but I feel I need to write right now!'
Our son is in afternoon kindergarten, and with no vehicle here during the day, I bundle us all up (My 13 month old included) and do the treck to the bus stop. Because the baby is no a conversationlyst yet, I am finding from the time I drop my five year old at the bus to go to school, until the time I pick him up, it has become a huge time of reflection for me. I almost find that the walk I do blindly and that my footsteps justknow the way, but my mind is somewhere completely different. I find myself reflecting about things I did, things I said and lied about in the past, things my Husband has said recently and the one concerning thought of "What in the hell was I thinking? etc. I process this information best it seems a day later and when by myself. My thoughts today seemed to be focusing on what I was doing to improve myself and be a better person. The thought began with "I wonder when the books will be in" (they have been ordered and we are waiting for them. I have been reading another book and think it is really helping me see myself in a much different light. This one is focusing on healing from sexual abuse. It is very scary how I see much of my behaviors and though patterns from before in that book. The stories that are writin by victims certainly hit home to the point of tears sometimes.
My husband may see everything I say right now as just words, as I have no credibility left. But....I not only see a difference in me and my efforts but my thoughts are completely different. My mind seems to much of weighing every decision in my life (whether big or small) and thinking of the effects they will have on others. I find I think of ways to help people or how I can be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend and so on. I also think about what else I can incorporate in my life to become a better person. My mind is consumed with this for hours every day while my 5 year old is off at Kindergarten. What I have realized is that it is automatic. The minute there is silence and I am on my own, my mind is consumed with what I have done and how I can't live with myself until I have improved myself.
Of course my mind is also consumed with how my H is feeling and that I am the cause and keep thinking of ways to help him, but one realization I have made through this is that "I can only do what I can do " I really do feel like I am moving forward. My husband is still really hurt and although trying very hard to get past all of this, because my words mean nothing, no matter how much I suggest to him that reading self-help books, writing in a journal will help. But he doesn't seem to have the desire for that. I realize he has to take it on by him self and I have to let it be, I just know how much it is helping me. I have resigned to the fact that I am powerless when it comes to his feelings. I just have to worry about conducting myself as a person and being here for him. He says he will read Surviving the Affair when it arrives, and that is a darn good step. I know that all I can do is concentrate on my part of things and be a shoulder for him and take care of his EN. He isn't a cold person. I can see him trying to fullfill some of the EN that I have. I know he is torn up inside and I just have to give him the time he needs with no pressure. In the meantime, I can only hope that he sees a new me that will stop at nothing to become a better person.

I think that few hours a day while my son is at Kindergarten is very helpful. It is the time that I "GET REAL" about things.
Of course there is still part of me that is very scared. I still have fears that any day he could through his arms up and say...."I am finished, I can't do this anymore". I am so fortunate that he has stayed to try.
This has effected my self esteem however in the way that I no longer know why he is with me. If he doesn't truly believe that I would never betray him like this again, then is he only here because we have kids, or that there may be way he feels he needs me. He says he loves me and see good in my and that is why he is still here.I want to believe that, my concience just keeps jumping in and saying "How could he want to still be with me?"
I won't take what I have for granted ever again. He is at a councellor as we speak, and I am unsure the state he will be in when he comes in the door. But I am prepared for anger, tears, relief and maybe confusion. I will be hear for him and just listen. I hope he will sit down and write in here and reflect how he was feeling and give you all idea where he is with all of this.
Sorry for Rambling, Going to make supper now....I will check in later.