I am getting married in a few months and just found out my fiance was 'flirting' with one of his classmates (for over a month). I am pretty sure nothing physical was done yet, but from the intensity I could sense something is going on -- they would even arrange to meet at school when they don't have class together "for school work" ..... when I confronted him, he said I was over jealous about it....

I read some of the articles on this site about meeting emotional needs and initiated the conversation about if some of his emotional needs couldn't be met at home, and it caused him to 'share' with outside source? He again denied it. I need help !!! Was he cheating?

Welcome to the forum. The answer is: I don't know....and neither do you. But here's the best advice you are going to get ALL day. Postpone the wedding and address these concerns before getting married. Find out NOW if the man you love is ready to build a marriage based on the four rules of a successful marriage....care, protection, honesty and time. Have a REAL plan in place...boundaries....to protect your marriage from infidelity. If you're saying "I'm uncomfortable with this relationship" and he's saying "you're just too jealous" what he's really saying....is that what he wants to do is more important than what you feel Is that a good basis for a marriage?

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Postpone the wedding and address these concerns before getting married.
Absolutely the best advice you will get.

And don't be concerned about what ANYONE will think or how much you've spent already (or anything else for that matter).
It's better find out what's going on and get it fixed (if possible or needed) BEFORE you are married.

Thank you, Chris and Star*fish for your advice!

My fiance claimed he was just doing 'school work' with his classmates and helping. One weekend he told me he was meeting a group of classmates at school, but he was meeting only that girl. He later on explained because I tended to get 'over jealous', he didn't tell me the truth. He also admitted that he told that girl that I am very jealous. He would give her ride to her car because 'the parking lot is dark'..... I explained to him that I don't believe he was intentionally hurting me, but getting close with other female could cause potential problem.... He then brought up this whole 'trust' issue and saying "I don't want to live my life under suspicion all my life, you have to trust me". But he still denied that he was emotionally bonding with that girl........ They meet 2-3 times a week at school, but he emailed 'gift certificate' to her for her belated birthday... the thing is the same day we were shopping for some friends' B-day gift in store. If there was nothing to hide about, why couldn't he pick up the gift at the same time and give to her in person?

He started with complete deniel (still denies) and now I could fee the emotional withdrawal.. .
I am postponing the wedding for sure, but in the meantime worried if we are doomed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

No, You're definitely NOT doomed. But this is a good way to define your marital boundaries...BEFORE you end up with marital problems. You're extrememly lucky to find this site this early in the game. Keep reading and talking to your fiance. Describe what a healthy marriage looks like to you. If he's not ready to make the commitment....it's far better to find out now. I wanted to give you this information from Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" it describes how friendships can become dangerous to marriages (or potential ones)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Has Your Friendship Become An Emotional Affair?

You can ask yourself the following questions to help:

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I agree, Star*fish!

I must admit that I totally lost it when I found out what happened -- the emailed gift certificate and compliment, they meet every week in class, so why does he email the compliment? Isn't that a red flag of he was thinking about her?????? After reading some of the articles on this site, I tried to ask if some of his EN can't be fulfilled at home, and that caused him to look elsewhere? He INSISTED "I wasn't even thinking about cheating on you"...... So here I am, wanting to find out the root of the problem, and his deniel leaves me no chance to even negotiate. Everytime I started talking about this issue, he would say : you need to trust me, trust me with your life.... But one has to earn trust, I can't trust nothing will ever happen when he is in close contact with another female and covers it from me.........

Plan A doesn't seem right at this time, he denied his EA, but he promised the same kind of thing will never happen again..... the question is can I trust him again and when?

Hi love,
I just read your thread and was wondering , have you ever asked him or is it even possible for maybe you to go along with him on one of these engagments with the school mate? If there is nothing to worry about i see no reason why he would not allow you to go along with him... Listen to what starfish has to say she is very wise, and very remarkable,,, hurtinhart

Hi there,

I suggest you deal with this issue of "trust" with him. Dr Harley says that marriage isn't based on trust! It's a startling statement but his explanation is this...

We're all "wired" to be attracted to people of the opposite sex and being married doesn't change that. We should be prepared to explain to our partner where we were, what we were doing and who we were with 24/7. Maybe not every minute but certainly hour by hour.

If you ask your partner a question about what they were doing and their answer is "just trust me" that in itself is a red flag.

I'm also worried by the denial that he's attracted to her. It's not impossible for men and women to be genuinely "just friends" but it needs the dangers to be recognised and boundaries to be set. If he'd said that he liked her, understood why you're concerned, and always took care to keep the relationship within the boundaries I'd be more impressed.

Sadly, and I say this as a man, men are shallow creatures who think about sex all the time and are incapable of spending large amounts of time with a woman without fancying her at least a little bit.

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 04:39 AM: Message edited by: lovesaved ]</small>

Hi love-to

I am not one to burst any bubbles, but be very careful before you marry this guy. Starfish gave excellent advice, but I want you to know that my X, who after 10 years of marriage had a seven month affair, said the EXACT same words as your fiance is telling you. He couldn't tell me they were "friends" because I would get jealous. I had to trust him. I had my own insecurity problems. His marriage meant something to him. These were all his words.

Unless you have undeniable proof, they will DENY, DENY, DENY.

I found the proof. Phone records. I am divorced. I am not one who could reconcile after an affair.

So, my only warning to you is to be very careful before you marry him.

I'm sorry he's putting you through this, and I hope he's telling you the truth.

Sunshine