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My Story; I'm a married (15 years) man with 3 boys and a wife I love dearly.
Recently I noticed changes in my wife's behavior, I won't go into them all because I'm sure you've read or herd them all before. I have all the signs and gut rot you feel when something is not right, looking at online cheater style web sites almost match my suspicions to a T...
It all started with my wife's late night chat sessions, closing applications on the computer when I'm near, extreme tension when I stood near & late nights out dancing. I found your basic information on the computer such as Internet history, cookies & MRU history showing what she searched for. She also joined online dating services as a guest. Some examples of what she searched for: - Cyber sex for women - Free cyber sex - Drunken affair - Date rape - HIV from kissing - HIV Testing - How to seduce a guy on the internet - Letters of apology - Pregnancy symptoms - Unwanted sex. The list goes on!
I signed up at the same dating service she did and found her login name (I was a perfect match), because I knew her email address I sent her a message which appeared as if I found her on the dating service. I asked if she would like to go for coffee (She knows nothing about this person) and she said yes (crap). No indication that she is married until 5 or so emails later when she says "I'm married and this is just for friendship right" anyway this is when I confronted her about her suspicious activity not mentioning what I knew. She denied everything unless I gave her examples of what I knew...then her answerers were "I'm stupid", "it was a stupid thing to do".
Here I sit now with little trust for the women I love more than anything....
Any pointers from the wise on this message board would be appreciated (before I ask her about those items I listed above)
GutRot
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Hi there,
In a way, you may be "lucky" that you were able to recognize unusual behavior in your wife before she has done anything that could have been hurtful not to mention dangerous.IMO, I don't know how some women could EVER contemplate meeting someone else in person from an internet communication.It is so risky and not smart.
Obviously from her actions with this, she is not having some needs met in your relationship and is testing the waters to see what happens. You both need to sit down and have a real serious talk about what she may be feeling right now and even consider professional help, if not for you both initially, for her to get help singly. The fact that she indicated that she would go and meet some stranger just for "friendship" is a big red flag.I seriously doubt it is just friendship that she is looking outside the marriage for.
I haven't been on this board that long so hopefully others will help out here but if I were in your shoes, I would have an in depth discussion with my spouse and also consider counseling as an option.In the counseling, you both may discover issues kept on the "backburner" that need to be addressed in your marriage now.
Remind her how important it is that you be able to talk to one another about your feelings and also that you have 3 children that you do not want to see hurt by anyone's actions.Be as calm and reassuring as you can when you talk to her so she can feel safe to open up. Hopefully she will.
**You may want to try that route first before asking her about what she was reviewing on the internet. She may immediately feel a betrayal of trust on YOUR part,that you knew what she was up to and clam up big time.If she feels like you are confronting her, she may act defensive.
Also, as much as this may be painful, brace yourself that she may have already done some things that may hurt you. I pray that is not the case just yet but sometimes by the time we see the "changes" in our loved ones behavior, they are already on that path of self destruction. Again, I hope this behavior was "caught" early on.
Keep us posted.Good luck.
October
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Thanks for the words Octobergirl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I truly applaud the time and effort people put into this message board!
Well I confronted the wife again last night after reaching over in my bed at 1:30am and finding a cold spot. She's on the computer again sending emails to a person she said she had stopped chatting with. When asked, "Oh, I was just saying goodbye" well in fact she said "Just wanted to say Hi". Still lying, all I'm after is for her to admit what she is doing and be honest with me, no such luck. I asked her about the items above, specifically the HIV and Kissing ones, her response..."I was looking for a friend". When asked which friend "None of my business". Should her secrets with friends out weight her telling me? She got upset, started crying, calls herself stupid and was mad at me for bringing this up again. I don't understand why she cry's if she's not guilty. She admitted kissing a man when out dancing (on the dance floor) then quickly said "but that was months ago" (she has only really increased he night life within the last couple months). I asked (not in this conversation) but previously if I could come out next time to the bar, she didn't seem to excited about that idea!. Why does she search the net for things like Apology Letter for indiscretion, Having an affair, HIV testing in (my home town). She gave no answers for these other than she was just browsing.
I'm trying desperately to believe her but find it extremely difficult (especially when I knew the answers to some of my questions) and she lied on the answers.
Moving forward with this on my mind....I can't get rid of it...maybe it's as my wife said that I'm insecure.
Thanks for any words! GutRot
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OK. Big red flags a flyin here!!!
In my opnion,she may have already had or be in an affair right now hence the crying,and "none of your business"type of responses.Not to mention the sneaking around.I'm sorry,but that's what it appears like to me.
I think it's time to get a little tough.I don't mean be mean to her but you have a right to know if she is putting YOUR LIFE AT RISK. Looking for info on HIV is serious. I would suggest that you do not be intimate with her until you start clearing the air on what she is doing and feeling right now.Kissing another man(inappropriate) and going out more are big red flags. Seek counselor help right now even if you have to go by yourself.
DO NOT believe that for a second you are insecure. If I have learned anything during my husbands affair it is that MY INSTINCTS were right on target!
I'm not an expert by any means and I'm not sure how else to guide you here but if I were in your shoes, I would be on the phone,talking to a counselor asap.
Hopefully some of the "regulars" here can give you more insight.
Keep us posted!
October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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You may find it unusual that this is the cheating half of a couple here. Of course I am no longer cheating and never will again. I have awoken to a state of Reality when I was caught in an affair. Realized how lucky I was that he still wants to give me a chance, however also faced with the realization that I just about lost everything I have ever wanted. Why did I do it if I am happy in the marriage. The answer is this. I have a history of unresolved issues in my past. Ones that I have been in denile for, for some time but have realized that they put me on a path for distruction by feeding off attention that others had to give and felt that was making it all OK. I went down a selfish road of greed to only fill a need that I thought I had, not worrying about the innocent person (my husband) My situation started with attention on internet chat and at the time I believed it would go no further than that, but with all of the tricksters out there looking for weak and vulnerable woman, they can be easily SUCKED IN ! The reality of this is my dear that she is in denile herself and whether she is cheating yet or not, it could indeed be heading there. My husband also says that he had the same gut rot and felt as if things were just not right. He was right. It is almost like he knew what I was capable of more than I even did. If she is happy in your marriage my belief is that she also has unresolved issues of her past that she absolutly needs to deal with. Of course the other reality is of coarse if she is not happy, then I have no advice to give because I am not there. Trust that Gut! Confront her. But don't scare her!!! Say you love her and that you know she is hurting inside for whatever reason and may not be dealing with it correctly. DON'T ATTACK HER. Have her understand that you can't help but believe there is an affair going on, and if she comes clean with you right now, you can get past it, and you will help her understand why she is doing this. But also remind her is she is hiding things and you find out yourself, it can distroy the marriage. Some marriages don't get through this and others do so I have seen. But the ones that workout are the ones that decide from this point forward they will be completely honest. Tell her that she can open up to you and discuss whatever she has done with you. She may continue to deny it for a while but will soon see that she needs to change her life now if there is any hope in hell of not only keeping the marriage but preventing her from a path of self distruction in other aspects of her life. What can I say except, if she doesn't open up to you. Do whatever you can to discover her deceptions. At that point you will know longer feel like the sucker and it could bring her back to the necessary reality she needs to be at to move forward in the marriage with trust again. Of course she has to want to change for this to work. She has to be brought to the realization of what she is doing. GOOD HARD REALITY!! Although our wounds over here are still quite fresh, I have faith that we both want to live our lives together. There is no one I would rather be with and I am glad that I have been brought back to reality with my feet planted firmly on the ground so I can face my daemons and move on in life and regain happiness in my marriage with all of the necissary building blocks. Never underestimate the power of trust. If you have those gut feelings. Face it, you don't trust her for one reason or another so you have to do something about this or the marriage is doomed to fail anyway. I hope this helps.
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Gut Rot
You wife is obviously attempting to make contact with other men or may have already had an affair. You ARE NOT INSECURE. At this point I believe you must assume that she very likely has had an affair or is very close to it.
Calmly tell your wife everything you know and ask for her to explain her behavior. You have a right as her husband to know what she has been doing. She may refuse to tell you because she is afraid of the anger, pain and guilt to follow. It is very suspicious when a spouse will not be honest with their husband.
You MUST keep your wit and not lash out with angry outbursts or show overt disrespect for her or make unreasonable demands. You will be tempted to verbally abuse her. Don’t do this. It will only make you appear to be bad and valid her behavior.
She will likely give you some information to appease you but she will not likely tell the whole truth.
She needs to account for her time when she is away from you and give you access to her email and cell phone passwords. She may refuse, another red flag. She will continue to pass this whole thing off as nothing. However, if it is nothing, she should be willing to be completely honest and from what you know she is not being completely honest.
Contact a MC Monday and schedule a session for the two of you ASAP. Consider having the two of you tested for STD pronto. Let her know that you take her behavior very seriously and that you will keep working until everything is in the open.
Beau
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On the main web page there is information conserning infidelity, emotional needs, etc. Read throught that information to give you some back ground on how affairs start and what can be done to stop them or to prevent them from occurring.
You must remain calm not become abusive.
Feel free to ask quesion, post comments or vent. We are here to help you.
Beau
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Update
It's been a few months now and I feel little change, I still catch my wife in little lies (not related to this). The things I'm having the most difficulty with are...
1. She won't communicate if it has anything to do with "the past", I have asked her to fill out MB questionnaires with me to help us move forward...she cry's!! and won't do it.
2. She has a group of 4 close girl friends out of 8, but they all don't hang out together...she sees one at a time. all 4 have had affairs/sex with other men while married
3. She see's at least one of these friends on a daily basis and talks to all on the phone daily (multiple times)
4. I can't get over the items she searched for on the internet (i.e Drunken Affair,Having an affair...) I don't believe that she was searching for a friend.
5. She has stopped all internet chatting and say's she will not go to that specific bar again (the pick-up bar) Personally I have always liked that kind of bar just for the flirting, I'm a man that can control my actions drunk or sober and would never go as far as a single kiss)
6. She has change nothing, I have changed lots
I have asked if she thinks her 4 friends are people with whom she/me should have in our lives, she see no issues with them. She appears and say's she loves me dearly but I don't feel the depth in her words or actions I'm a High libido man and she is a Low, I have asked on many occasions to try harder in the initiate sex and affection department, little change.
I kind of boiled over mainly because I feel she did have sex at least once during this period (drunk) and because of her un-willingness to communicate among other things. SO, I wrote a letter that basically said I think its best if we separated....well that night she had a few drinks and was able to approach me (I'm not a difficult person, I'm a reasonable man)...we didn't accomplish much because she started to cry (I mean really really cry) i.e. nut o....I had to calm her and could not continue any discussions...I did say we still need to communicate on this.
The topic has not been brought up again and she acts as if everything is fine, like nothing ever happened. I can NOT figure this out !!! she must see that I'm the chipper old guy I once was.
What should I do?
GutRot
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I would guess that her emotional needs are not being met. I know it is hard right now, but are you meeting her needs for admiration and affection? (Not sex)
Also she should not be going out to bars. That is a recipe for disaster.
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Hello,
I think there is something that people are not mentioning and that she has been looking at HIV boards. This would indicate that she has already had sex with someone else and that she is worried that maybe she has caught something. I would strongly suggest that both of you be checked immediately for STD's at once. This is a very bad sign. I wish you luck.
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Thanks for the replies
I would must agree that her emotional need were not being met in order for her to do these things. We have been together 17 years and I feel we both know what our emotional needs are. If I was having a problem with something I would tell her and she would tell me. But in the past five years its been different, she would not tell me "communicate" with me regarding how un-happy she was and she always appeared very happy, her friends would even say what a great marriage we have and I truly believed we did as well. After I discovered the items above it finally came out / blamed me "that I was never their for her". When she states this she is referencing a hobby of mine (computer programming), typically after dinner/homework/kids in bed (we both participate in all household/family things) we may talk for a bit or watch a mutually entertaining movie on TV but normally I would go to my home office and program for a couple hours and sometimes take a day on the weekend. It never seemed like a problem except for the occasions on the weekend. Anyway this extra work/hobby I did got me into a great job making great money and she still to this day does not appreciate the effort I have put into our family and my career to get us here. What a insult to me when she said "I was never there for her". The past three years I have worked from my home office, I have few friends that are close (i.e. hour away), Everything or anything I do other than work is with the family. It's all I need! All she seems to need are her friends.
Other suspicious activity is my wife recently had blood work done and had not given blood for many months like she typically did. She said it was because her iron levels were down, but they are ok now. Within the last month we had friends over with their kids (her good friend & her husband, the one her friend had an affair on), later that night all the kids (5) were in the basement watching a movie on TV we had all been drinking my wife drunk, I will not get drunk with any kids in our house, her friend suggested strip poker and played with my wife only while her husband watched. I was going up & down from the basement ensuring the kids were occupied and told the girls to stop. The next time I came upstairs my wife was sitting at the kitchen table with just a bra and I told them to stop immediately (I'm the no fun bad guy). The next day my wife could tell I was upset with something but was not sure what, I told her what she did and that I was disappointed. (I would have joined in if we had no kids in the house) She and no memory of what shed did and had to call her friend to confirm. I told her that it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing this can happen (Humm, the bar sex now makes more sense)
My wife has not worked for 10 years and within the last 5 has had a couple part time jobs to help out as well as get some sanity back. I fully support anything she wants to do and she does. Her part time job allow for her to have the summer off while the kids out of school, which is fantastic in my opinion. She books weeks away with friends and the kids. I have 3 weeks per year, 1 typically with the family, 1 with family and one of her friends and the other week broken up. Her entire summer is a vacation with her friends while I work most of it. I feel I'm losing contact/friendship with my wife and feel like just a convenient friend. I noticed a charge on the visa last month for a camping week and asked when & were are we going, she booked that with her friend but lied initially saying it was for us. (but I can come if I want)
It all makes me sad & I feel my wife has been overrun by her friends. I don't feel that when I retire or going forward she is 100% for me as I am for her. She is the single most important person in my life, I need nothing else. Her on the other hand could not survive without daily contact with her friends.
I don't believe anything is still going on as far as sex/affair but I believe she did do this at least once and most likely when out drunk, she will never admit it and I can't prove it yet...that scares me more than if she told me. Loosing trust in a person you trusted 100% for so long is very sad.
GutRot
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<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>
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For the blood tests my wife said it was for testing the iron levels in her blood, which were all ok. If in fact she was testing for HIV and was positive I think she would tell me? She also said prior to this that all those internet searches were for a friend not her !...her bar activities have stopped and she say's she will not go to 'that' bar again, this implies to me that something was up at that bar and that she can't control herself when drunk. The other guy in our home is her best friends husband whom I know well....not that that make it right, when I did come up from the basement and saw this I told them to stop immediately and they did. my wife went to bed and that was that. It bothers me more that she did not (or say's she didn't) remember what she did!
To think I must set limits on my wife's behavior after being married 17 years and her being 39 years old is not a pretty picture. It would be controlling and I'm sure that's what she would say, that or she's trapped. A respectable honest loving wife/mother seems simple if you are truly happy with each other. If you don't communicate (like her) it will eventually fail. She doesn't walk all over me, she has the freedom to do what she wants if she steps out of line I will confront her, if it continues I will leave. I think her biggest fear in our marriage is that if I did leave she would be fu_ked as she could not support herself easily, so does she stick around just for that? I wonder sometimes because in my opinion I'm a decent man/dad/person with high morals, not much to dislike about me (in my opinion) I get along with almost everyone. Things just keep chugging along day to day as nothing ever happened....if it happened yesterday we don't need to talk about it again. Its the "past" in her opinion. She tells me she loves me every day yet doesn't give me the affection, intimacy, passion or attention I need. I've worked from home for three years and only once has she ever had a fun encounter with me during my day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
The more I hear and the more I write about this the clearer my direction seems to point, and that is away from her...it's like she's too far gone to bring back but she doesn't feel gone to herself..
GR
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<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>
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The MB plan includes at least 15 hours a week quality time with each other. Do you spend that much time together?
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