Hi! I would be lying if I said I was happy to be here.....but you all seem so supportive and I need that right now...I have been lurking and reading for a couple weeks now and just got up the nerve to say hello.
I found out my H was having an A about a month ago. We had totally lost track of our marriage and he went outside instead of turning to me. We have spent so much time and effort on our kids and neglected our relationship to the point I am not sure we can fix it...but I am trying. I can;t always speak for him. We started MC two weeks ago. Have gone two times. Actually he said he was not sure about if he would be able to talk to a stranger...but this week I found myself saying wait a minute I didn't get my turn when she said our time was up...He did most of the talking. So I guess that is a good sign. I don't really know what is a good sign any more. I told him that although I feel we are talking way more than we used to that I still feel like I have to initiate every conversation...and he agreed. Now I just have to wait and see if he makes an effort to reach out to me.
I have more capacity to forgive than I ever thought possible...and he is not sure he would ever be able to forgive as readily...I think he has some forgiving of himself to do as well...does that sound strange?
We have started discussing what I need him to do to rebuild my trust....and I have been reading tons of materials....
We have three kids...5, 8, and 9. Any and all support and help would be appreciated...Right now I am just getting my bearings. I have said and done some pretty hurtful things and I know that I have done some pretty big LB. I have not shared any info with his family even though his StepM point blank asked me what was wrong...But I have talked to the OW's soon to be EX. And she is terrified that I will tell their work and they will be fired. So my H says that she will not even talk to him now (YIPEE!!) I kind of liked the fact that she is afraid of me although I know it put a strain on my H. That is just how I am feeling...


Well..that got longer than I had intended...

Hi there and welcome.

You wrote...
"I found out my H was having an A about a month ago. We had totally lost track of our marriage and he went outside instead of turning to me. We have spent so much time and effort on our kids and neglected our relationship to the point I am not sure we can fix it...but I am trying."

You're trying, but is he?

"I can;t always speak for him. We started MC two weeks ago. Have gone two times. Actually he said he was not sure about if he would be able to talk to a stranger...but this week I found myself saying wait a minute I didn't get my turn when she said our time was up...He did most of the talking. So I guess that is a good sign."

Hmmn. Do you have confidence in this MC? She probably shouldn't have allowed your H to do all the talking unless the circumstances were exceptional.

"I don't really know what is a good sign any more. I told him that although I feel we are talking way more than we used to that I still feel like I have to initiate every conversation...and he agreed. Now I just have to wait and see if he makes an effort to reach out to me."

The advice from this site is that he shouldn't see OW ever again. Even it it means he has to change jobs.

"I have more capacity to forgive than I ever thought possible...and he is not sure he would ever be able to forgive as readily...I think he has some forgiving of himself to do as well...does that sound strange?"

Makes sense to me.

"We have started discussing what I need him to do to rebuild my trust....and I have been reading tons of materials...."

He needs to agree never to see OW again.

"We have three kids...5, 8, and 9. Any and all support and help would be appreciated...Right now I am just getting my bearings. I have said and done some pretty hurtful things and I know that I have done some pretty big LB. I have not shared any info with his family even though his StepM point blank asked me what was wrong..."

You can take 50% responsibility for the state of the M, but none for the A.

"But I have talked to the OW's soon to be EX. And she is terrified that I will tell their work and they will be fired. So my H says that she will not even talk to him now (YIPEE!!)"

Let's hope that's true but as long as they still see each other the temptation must be strong and she'll always be a threat.

"I kind of liked the fact that she is afraid of me although I know it put a strain on my H. That is just how I am feeling..."

He should be promising you not to talk to her, even if she wants to talk to him.

Hope this helps.

Still - Welcome to a great place where others understand exactly what you are going through. Don't be hard on yourself for LBing. It is extremely difficult not to do it. Have you read all about Plan A? That's where you can start. When you first find out it is miserable, but does get better. Take it slow and don't expect him to respond right away. You should insist on NC with the OW. It is almost impossible for marriage to recover with her still in the picture. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Thanks so much for your replies! It feels sooo good to not be so alone and I honestly believe that no one can understand what you are going through unless they have been there...and even then everyone handles things in their own way.
I am in total agreement and so is my couselor that he needs to cut off all ties with the OW...and he knows that but they do work together and although he has been looking very hard for a new job he has not been able to get one yet...She is supposed to be looking hard as well...but the economy where we are is terrible and there are not many opportunities...I told him I could support us but he doesn't want me working as much as I do now. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week 7 pm to 7 am. Also he is afraid if he leaves this job he will not find another one. It is really that bad here...But I love our house and neighborhood and we are close to family so I really don't want to uproot our family to move...
Right now I think he is in this more for the kids than for our relationship. His Mother had an A and spilt up their home ...I think he has a lot of issues left from that whole experience. I am just hoping that we can recapture some of the passion and caring we once had for each other...

I just got the book After the Affair by Janis Spring today and have started reading it...It all makes sence and it makes me feel a little better about all the feelings I have been having...
It is our assignment to read it this week so I guess we will see how he takes to participating in this...