Update:
Nutshell story; H confessed to affair 10/6; we lived separately in the house until 11/1 at which point he moved out; I called OW's H and OW ended up calling off A 11/3; H definitely in withdrawl and fogland (I can tell from how he talks) and says he's filing for divorce. He's seen an attorney so I believe this to be true but will only know it when I receive the actual papers.


Yesterday I had a feeling that my H would be waiting for me when I returned home and I was absolutely dead on about what was happening. He basically met me at the door, had everything spelled out about the divorce, how much I should get for child support and alimony, he wants me to use his lawyer!! Basically, I’m supposed to be nice about this so he can get on with his life!

BTW, he also told me that he’s had more than 1 affair – the most recent one wasn’t the only one!!! (Who knows if this is true, he could be trying to see if I get angry because of multiple affairs, but I did not. I stayed my ground that I did not want a divorce and this decision on his part made me very sad). At this point, I am very emotionally drained and I’m not sure I want to fight, although I’m not accepting his terms. He wants to have a realtor at the house next week and force us into moving prior to the holidays!

I did pretty well, I didn’t cry (too numb inside) but I did tell him that I wished he’d reconsider until we’d done a Retrovaille weekend because I didn’t feel like we had tried anything let alone everything we could do. He kept saying it didn’t matter, because he doesn’t know if he could be in a monogamous relationship. I did do my very first LB, I told him he was being selfish when he stated to me that he did not care what this would do to our children, but that he had to move on with his life for himself.

I feel so sad for our children, more so than me. Suggestions? Advice???? Please. . . . .

Hope4Best. . . .now LosingHope <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hope - I feel so bad for you. (((Hugs)))

As you said, you won't know that your H is really filing for D until you get the papers. It sounds like he is probably very angry about the A being brought to light, OW calling off the A and, of course, is probably still in a fog.

IMO, I would get your own lawyer, find out your rights so you are prepared in case a D is filed by your H. But things could change as your H's anger and fog clears up and goes away.

Take care.

sss

Hope,

I cannot tell you how incredibly sad your post made me....I just want to hug you! Okay, but since you are being incredibly strong...I'm not going to cry either. Let's buck up and come up with a plan. First of all...the best thing you can do about the divorce is delay it and give your husband time to come out of this deep fog. Every deadline can be dragged out, extensions asked for etc. I know you called the OW's H....have you talked to others....family, his father and mother, brother's or sisters, close friends...anyone who may be able to help him think about his choices? If not, please do so soon before this goes any further. Go see a doctor and get on some antidepressants to help you weather this storm...your children need you and you have to do your best not to fall apart. Continue to Plan A.....a horribly difficult thing under the circumstances. He cannot make you sell your house or list your house. There is no reason to make moving on easier for him. You and the children stay in the house. If you aren't working....start looking for a job. Tell him if he wants to move out and file....to go ahead....but you and the children will be remaining in the house. Selling the house and dividing assets is for the divorce...and he can't force you to do it now. If he can't afford to support two households....tough patooties...it's not your job to make it convenient. State your intention calmly....but it will go something like this:

"I know you feel a desire to move on, and it would financially easier for you if we sell the house, but the children and I have decided to stay here. You do what you want to, but we will not be selling the house until it's ordered by the courts. It's my job as the parent who is protecting these children to give them a stable environment while you find yourself. I intend to do that for them."

Will he be furious....oh yes he will. So what? Let him be. As I mentioned before....it's not your job to make this easy for him. Start looking up the laws your state. If he actually files.....get your own attorney. Drown him in paperwork and delays. In the meantime...don't you move from your house. He wants this....he'll have to figure out how to make it work....that's the natural consequence of following his own selfish desires.

I'm so sorry this is happening. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Star*fish,

Thank you for your words. . . .although I give you permission to go ahead and cry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , I am. I was fine until about 7:00 a.m. this morning. Maybe going to work today wasn't such a good idea.

My intentions exactly were not to make it easy. I fully intend on staying in the house. I also asked for him to allow us to get through the holidays, he didn't like this request. I have an appointment with my own attorney tomorrow, going to see if I can move it up to today just to make sure they can block any attempt on his part to get that house on the market. I don't know why he thinks I'd be so naive as to use "his" attorney. . . . FOG speak???

His settlement offering was also ridiculous. I had another attorney tell me I could get much more. . . .we'll see what this one tells me. I'm not going into this as a fight, but merely I have to protect myself and the children as best as possible.

Oh yeah, in my first posts I mentioned a friend that I didn't trust and everyone here said not to. . . that turned out to be good advice, she was not such a trusted friend. But I have to say one thing, when I had my words with her I could tell that I had done alot to change me. In the past I'd have called her many ugly names, but last night I simply told her how angry I was at her and betrayed I felt by her. I guess it's the first time I've really seen and experienced my own change, it was nice to know I had made some progress regardless of my H's intentions for Dv.

Hope

I guess I should add that I am 99.9999999% sure that he has taken up with the OW again. I can track his cell phone usage and his mobile to mobile went up by 25 minutes from yesterday. For the past 2 weeks it had remained constant.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: MENISCECTOMY ]</small>