God i really don't know how i'm going to get through another weekend. My husband has been gone for four weeks now and is living with the ow now for two of those. He has know her for 7 weeks, what is that all about? We have two lovely children, a lovely home and i though i was good enough obviously not. He says he can never make me happy and that he loves me but he's not in love with me i have since learned this is 'fog' and I have told myself that i will have no contact with him at all unless it is in regards to the children. I can't believe he has just walked away from everything and expects me to just go on as if nothing has happened. While I am at home trying to look after the everyday things he is out there having a great time. Life is just not fair.

You are doing exactly the correct thing by maintaining NC. He may think he's in heaven now and having all the fun, but the bird will eventually come home to roost. You are a woman to be admired for your steadfastness. Please stay active, eat right, sleep the best you can, and get a good support group. We are all here for you. God bless!

Thank you for your reply. I am amazed at how many friends I have and how they are gathering around to help me. This happened 18 months ago but with another woman she broke it off and he came back after three months full of promises. I really can't have him back for my sake as well as the children and i think this is what is killing me.

Feelingit

Affairs are about unmet emotional needs and selfishness. This affair did NOT begin because you were NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Don’t think like that for a MOMENT. The person that chose to have an affair is your husband. You did nothing to cause the affair. Many times the OW is not half the person the W is. The OW is meeting certain emotional needs your husband has but not because you are not good enough or can’t meet those needs.

Have you contacted a MC to give you advice? Are to taking medication to help you sleep and not obsess on the affair?

Feel free to ask questions, post comments and vent your emotions.

We’re here to help YOU.

Beau

At this moment I am doing okay without medication. H has since told family member that he has been unhappy for at least a year but has failed to tell me. Exactly a year ago his father had a stroke and is mentally unstable coinincidence or an ecuse who knows but the betrayal of him living with OW is too much to even think about ever having him back if he wanted it. I have yet to seek MC still feel it is early days and don't think I could cope with it just yet. I feel I need to be stronger.

Feelingit

I am truly sorry that there are uncaring, dishonest, hurtful, selfish people in the world that we unfortunately marry.

Good to hear that the meds are helping. You need to work on getting yourself prepared for the future. Don’t make any big decision while you are under so much emotional pressure. However think about some of the items listed below. They are just for discussion.

1) Contact an attorney
2) Apply for legal separation
3) Work out child support and visitation.
4) Health insurance
5) Setup individual counseling for yourself
6) Get some exercise – walking is great
7) Sleep late as often as you can
8) Get out and go to a movie or shopping with friends
9) Protect yourself financially
10) Job and income

Keep in contact with us so that we can be of service.

Beau

Feeling it, if I may offer some slightly different advice, please don't contact an attorney yet. They're trained to protect you at all costs, and that includes protecting you at the cost of your marriage. Sometimes that's exactly what's needed, but I don't think you're there yet.

I do think that it's important that you get things with the kids set (visitation and child support). However, if things are going well there, it's much more important that you take care of yourself, get yourself CALM, and do some careful planning.

That's why you need to be calm. You need to be able to think through your options and implement steps that will lead to a better life for you.

And SonofWF is absolutely right. It's not about you being good enough. It took me many many months and a great deal of pain before I finally understood that. Yes, you're an imperfect human being, just like I am. It's still not about that. It's about your husband's poor choices.

Thank you both for your replies. I am feeling so much better today it does help having nc with h and then i can concentrate on myself. The financies are sorted and so are the children even though my oldest d does not want to visit h and OW says she feels uncomfortable. she has not seen him for two weeks and this weekend when he picked up our son he didn't cuddle, kiss or ask her how she was. She was really upset I don't think he realises what he is doing but as i have nc with him he won't know until it is too late.

Feelingit

I am always amazed that a person can be married for many years and then meet someone and within a few weeks they are ready to chuck the marriage and kids. It is totally irrational. I think it borders on temporary insanity. Most affairs end within a few months up to 2 years +/_. And only 3% actually marry but the divorce rate is something on the order of 80+ percent.

Have you read “Surviving and Affair” by Harley. You can get it through the bookstore on the main page of MB.

Let us know what we can do to assist you. I will pray for you and your family.

Beau

Below is information that may be useful - Beau

Johnh39


You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity Read it while you wait for your copy of "Surviving an Affair" to arrive in the mail.



--------------------
Me: BS-45, FWW-43
D16, S14, S9, D born 10/8/03
A 10/98-10/01, DDay 10/03/01
In Recovery
"Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Romans 12:2
The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

Thank you so much sonofwf I take on board all the info you have given me. I have read quite a feww books and these do help. I have made the desision not to take my wh back if and when he decides to return as he has done this to me three times now and I cannot put myself and my our children through it again. So I am focusing on getting back on track without wh and seem to be doing okay.

I am not that spirtiual but I have been doing some praying these last few weeks and feel it does have some comfort.

I seem to be doing okay it is just the times when I have to face him that puts me back a few spaces. In fact I try not to look at him if he picks the children up and I pretend to myself that he is not there really.

Hopefully in time I shall be able to look at him without anger and maybe even be able to have a conversation.

Thanks again for the support it really does help.

I would suggest/recommend that you do not allow contact with OW during H's parenting time.

It is certainly within your rights to do so, and makes life more unhappy and difficult for them. Which is part of bursting their fantasy bubble.

I would stipulate that H may not introduce or spend time with any member of the opposite sex during visitation. Too harmful and confusing for the children.

How old are the kids?

My children are 6 and 10. I have difficulty not letting the OW see them as OW and H live together now and my son (6) wants to stay overnight. My D (10) does not want to see any of them at the moment and I am respecting her wishes as is H.

They live together? So what?

Is that the kind of moral environment you want your babies exposed to?

Yuck.

Personally I would take the moral high road and not allow overnights, not allow him into the presence of daddy's shack up.

Why would you legitimize this relationship in the eyes of your children? ITS WRONG.

As morally repulsive is the idea of your S staying overnight at your WH and OW's place, you cannot use your son as weapon to bust your WH's affair. Just as it is wrong to force your D to go a visit her father if she doesn't want to, so it is wrong to prevent your S from going to visit his father if he very much wants to. You might want to consider conveying to your H (through a note or a letter) to please abstain from any displays of affection with the OW in front of your S for it could have the same effect that it had on your D. Of course he may chose to disregard your wise advice, but if he does he does so at the risk of losing the love and respect of his son.

lexxy as much as i hate the idea of wh A and his shack up I have to agree with too much coffee as at the end of the day H is still S father and I would hate S to grow up asking why I had stopped him seeing his father I have no right to do that. I am sure that as he gets older he too will make his mind up, he will know what is right and wrong with having me. I look at the overnight visits as time for myself and to do what i would like, to recharge my batteries so i can be the best mum to my children. As much as I hate the idea of OW seeing them they will know the differnce and hopefully be able to judge for themselves.

In no way shape or form am I suggesting that you keep your son from visiting his FATHER.

You have every right to limit your son to seeing ONLY HIS FATHER during those visitations.

Get a child psychologist on your team -- ask their opinion on how healthy it is for your children to be exposed to an affair partner that he's been involved with for 7 weeks.

Then get temporary visitation documents drawn up that allow DAD plenty of time and access to the kids....but OW may not be a part of that picture.

There is NO WAY you should be legitimizing that relationship.

Well I gues you were right it is not healthy especially to me to let s stay over. S has just come home and has been here there and everywhere including to see her mum and dad. S was upset when i told him he couldn't stay over anymore and that he would only see his dad. S seems to think he wil not see his dad anymore even though i have assured him this isn't so. This is exactly what i didn't want for my children to get involved and hurt. I feel devistated that they have no feelings and oblivous to anyone else. I shall be seeing a solicitor next week for legal separation. H has threatened to withdraw payments to me if he doesn't have some of his things back. I have told him that as he left he cannot have anything out of the house. He has his clothes but he wants his software, tools etc should I give him these things. It just feels like as i am beginning to atart coping with things then h comes back with something else. I am fed up with having sh"£ weekends and me ending up in tears(not in front of him). I have just emailed him and told him to relay his thoughts threw someone else and not to have a go in front of the children. This is such a good site, so i can vent my anger and have my say to people who understand. Thank you everyone.

Hi FeelingIt, made it at last and have read up some more on your sitch.

It would appear that Lexxy has already given the same advice I did, in that you shouldn't be allowing your children around the OW. Lord only knows what is going over there when your son is present, what he is having to witness, etc... and it all could prove damaging to him!

My daughter had been coming back with stories about what was going in H and OW's loveshack, for a few months before I finally said enough was enough. OW's 11 year old son was picking on my daughter and even told my daughter that her dad was HIS dad now because he lived with him and his mum now, you can imagine how upset my D was at hearing this and much more besides from the OW's seemly delinquent son!!! Our daughter saw numerous displays of affection between my H and OW that she reported back to me, all of it was hurting her!! The final straw for me was when H had told our daughter while she was at OW's and his, that he and OW were going to get married eventually, but to keep it secret from me!!! We aren't even divorced btw <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Of course H wasn't happy when I'd said he was no longer allowed to take her around OW. He tried all ways to get me to still allow it, as your H will!! He tried to say that I was deliberately making things difficult for him, I was being unfair, I was trying to exclude him from our daughters life....LOL and best laugh of all, he said he wouldn't be able to see his daughter as much if he couldn't take her to OW's. Well......that is his problem and not mine. If he doesn't see his daughter, then it is because of lack of effort on his part to see her. If he can't make time to see and spend some time with his daughter without OW being present, that says it all for me!! He aint the caring and loving father he makes himself out to be!!

I don't blame you for not wanting to give your H another chance should he wish to return. You have placed your trust again in him quite a few times, only for him to betray you time and time again with someone new. His affair probably won't last!!

He sounds like a *serial cheater* to me, something else we seem to have in common, for I believe my H was a serial cheater too! I forgave him a one night stand four years ago that he'd said had meant nothing at all to him, but I believe that there were probably a few other women in his life also - but none of which he cared enough for or loved enough to consider leaving me, until he met his present OW of course.
But this seems to be the real thing between he and the present OW, he's been with her eight months and shows no signs of returning now at all, although as I said in Jazmoms thread, he did waver a lot between OW and I a lot in the beginning. He's been gone so long now, that I'm not even sure I would have him back or not, but then I don't think I'll ever get the chance to choose whether or not I want him back, his mind is soooo obviously made up as to what he wants and it aint me on the menu!! LOL

I will keep dropping in to see how you are progresing anyway. Good on you for going straight to PlanB, wish I had done that instead of PlanA'ing for months. I PlanA'd for way too long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks for your reply. Plan B is great as i don't have to get upset and i don't have to see or talk to him. I don't know what is going on in his life and vice versa. Gives me some control of the situation. I couldn't have my H back, this was the last time I could trust him and he broke it again and what would the point be. I have finally realised that he is a serial cheater and that he will never change, he will cheat on this OW too. I feel quite sorry for him as he will never experience a loving and reliable relationship which is what I am hoping to do.