This was originally sent to a specific person about their situation; however, I think it is something from which many people can benefit.

*********************************************

I want to speak with you about your child, who is seriously hurting
over this entire situation. I believe that you believe your spouse
has said things to your child to poison her opinion of you. While I
do not doubt that your child has probably overheard some things she
should not have (because kids tend to do that) I also want you to
know that your spouse has been making a real effort to avoid doing
anything of the sort.

Your child is also the child, and as the parent, you need to be
understanding of what is going on and take the initiative in fixing
it. While I am not the expert on your child, I want to give you some
thoughts on this.

You left your children. You didn't just leave your mate. You no
longer live with your children, and trust me (I've been there) they
will feel the pinch. I hear children all the time say, 'when mommy
left us' and, 'when daddy divorced us'.

Oh, now most adults will say, "What quaint children. Poor things,
they don't understand. It isn't about them." Children understand more
than you think, and it is about them. I think it is adults who forget
sometimes what it is to be a child and to deal with situations as a
child.

What your child knows is that you no longer live with her. She knows
that when his homework needs to be done, you are not there to help -
you are somewhere else.

When he comes home with an A, you are not there to celebrate with
him.
When something hurts, you aren't there to ease the pain. When he is
scared, you aren't there to comfort and reassure him. When he does
something bad, you aren't there to discipline and correct the
behavior.

When she goes to bed at night, you aren't there for a goodnight hug,
kiss, or to tuck her in. You aren't there when she gets hungry,
thirsty, or tired.

Those are truths. I'm not seeking to judge here, honestly I am not.
Your child also knows that the reason you are not there is because
you have chosen, instead, to be with someone else. Even children are
smart enough to draw the conclusion of where they are on the priority
list from this information...and it hurts.

She sees her other parent hurting and her family deteriorating and
what she sees is that you left the family. For her it isn't about the
marriage, it is about her family - her father and mother and the unit
she has grown to understand was her shelter - blowing up and that it
is no longer there for her.

He is very hurt, and he is very angry. The sad thing from this is
that you can never go back in your relationship with your child. He
can never UN-know what he now knows. The past cannot be erased. It
will never be the same, but it can be repaired and go on to be
something loving, rewarding, and great. In order for this to happen,
you need to listen to his feelings without invalidating them and
telling him that they are wrong. You need to understand, and to
apologize for what has hurt your child.

This is just my humble opinion, but I would like for you to consider
seriously what I have said.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Wowser very powerful Tak.

It reminded of a very old...okay VERY VERY old..please no laughing...Wayne Newton song.

I was a kid my dad had left for another woman when I was only one and mother did not remarry until I was ten.

But one of the songs I remember as a kid was Wayne Newton's "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast"

"The love between the two of us was dying
And it got so bad I knew I had to leave
But halfway down that highway when I turned around I saw
My little daughter running after me
Crying

Daddy, don't you walk so fast
Daddy, don't you walk so fast
Daddy, slow down some 'cause you're makin' me run
Daddy, don't you walk so fast

Now, it broke my heart to tell my little daughter
That her daddy had to run to catch a train
She had no way of knowin' I was leavin' home for good
I turned around and there she was again
As she said to me

Daddy, don't you walk so fast
Daddy, don't you walk so fast
Daddy, slow down some 'cause you're makin' me run
Daddy, don't you walk so fast

If only for the sake of my sweet daughter
I just had to turn back home right there and then
And try to start a new life with the mother of my child
I couldn't bear to hear those words again
She cried and said

Daddy, don't you walk so fast
(My daughter cried)
Daddy, don't you walk so fast
Daddy, slow down some 'cause you're makin' me run
Daddy, don't you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some 'cause you're makin' me run
Oh, daddy, don't you walk so fast"

Funny even though I had no memory of my wayward dad I could as very young boy remember how that song moved me.

When I found about my wife's affair and packed my stuff for some odd reason that song from 30 plus years ago started playing in my mind pulling me back home.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

Stunned,

I would never laugh at that. I don't think I've heard anything less funny. That is a very moving song, and a very moving story. Thank you for sharing it.

Cats In The Cradle, another song of which it reminds ThornedRose and I:


My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then


<small>[ November 14, 2003, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

I posted this once before. Kenny Loggins released this in September of this year. He performed this 1 week prior to the release of this album in concert. As he sang this song, he dedicated it to all of the single parents out there. By the time this song was over, I was in TEARS. I couldn't hold the emotion in because he was so HONEST about those feelings.

This whole ALBUM is filled with love and insight about life. My favorite is "brothers" because it's so healing. Enjoy and THINK hard about these lyrics.

I certainly have learned the painful lessons through my bad choices - hopefully my son can heal based on my lessons and souls searchings. I want life better for him.

"The One That Got Away"
If the link doesn't work
copy this and paste it into our browser window:
http://www.kennyloggins.com/music/index.html


You were the quiet one
Afraid to sleep alone
Heaven knows
I was lonely too
Some things in life
a man can't learn to live without
and ONE of those things was YOU
Who the good guys are
Who the bad guys are
Isn't always clear
In this world of sepparate houses
Someone's always missing someone
Day after Day
and Year after Year

Though you and I are distant
don't ever think I didn't want you
I miss you every day
No matter where life takes you
Know that I'll STILL be waiting patiently
For the day that you've forgiven me, my son

-The one that got away

It's all of the little things
that add up to a life.
And it's been so hard
being outside looking in
You had hundreds of first times
that I didn't get to see
They will never come again
How do we catch up
is there too much stolen history?
In this world of seperate houses
I want you to remember that you'll always be
Inside of me

Though you and I are distant
don't ever think I didn't want you
I miss you every day
No matter where life takes you
Know that I'll STILL be waiting patiently
For the day that you've forgiven me, my son
- The one that got away

You're carrying an anger
that does not belong to you
I'm sick and tired of doing time
for a crime I didn't do.

I miss you every day.No matter where life takes you
Know that I'll STILL be waiting patiently
Cause I do believe in you and me
and I trust that someday you'll no longer be

- The one that got away

thanks for the outlet....

This is so awesome!

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: God-within-kily ]</small>