I'm 26yr old wife and mother of 2 kids, married 4 yrs. Just found out the man that I lived for and my world revovled around cheated on me. He says he did it cause I wasn't giving him enough sex or I would'nt listen. And my reply was the sex wasn't right cause I always thought he was cheating and never wanted to catch something. It hurts so much cause I love him still. Please tell me what do you do when you don't want to go on or let alone trust no man. I'm mean he was so blod with cheat he called his mistress from MY MY cellphone faithfully everyday up till I found out. Thats how I found out I check to see why was my phone minutes going over the limit so I check individually each call and he's chatting every minute even when he would be in the house with me just bold.. When I confronted him about the phone number he look me dead in the face and said thats my friends wife phone he sometimes has heres. Me being nieve believed it especially that his so called friend justified oh yeah thats her phone. Now it's in the open it wasn't her phone it was the other woman. Like I said this just happen Tuesday and weve been talking but I honestly don't no what to do, what to believe or where do we go from here. Oh I also left out this female works at my daughter daycare everyday smiling in my face HAY HOW U DOING every day.. So some one with a sane mind because right now I don't know what the hell to do. Only thing I do know I never felt so hurt, betrayed, disgusted, shamed, anger on top of anger. I honestly did not no I can be hurt so much by another human being other than death. PLEASE HELP.......
Sincerly,
Down & Out Wife....

I am sorry for the pain you are in. Unfortunately, most of us here have felt it too. I want to warn you in advance that it is not going to go away for a while. Many people ask their doctor to prescribe anti-depressents for them for a while. That said, there is a well-proven path to recover from this. In our case, our marriage is far better than it EVER was before my wife's affair. Click on the link in my signature line, below, for information and resources on how to get better.

Ok, are you ready to cry, get it all out, and get motivated?

What do you want for your marriage?

My first suggestion is to get your daughter out of that day care. My second suggestion, if you wish to save your marriage (and yes it can be done) is to get into a Plan A. I second the suggestion of getting on anti-depressants. I went through Plan A without them and it was one of the more stupid and prideful things I did.

Thanks for the advice all but my question to taken he out the daycare were my other daughter grew up and I trust the owner so much. I strongly feel that will show the OW she defected me by some kind of mean given her that satification. Please tell me should I fell that way? I haven't been to the daycare yet but I got enough courage to call her today and she politely shun me off with ask your husband.. What do I do?????

In order for your marriage to recover, there needs to be no contact between your H and this woman ever again by any means whatsoever. An affair is an addiction. Would you send your recovered alcoholic husband to pick up something at a bar every night, or even once in a while? If you want your H to constantly be faced with the temptation of restarting the affair once you are in recovery; then, by all means keep your children in this daycare. If you don't pull her out, the OW wins by continuing to be a part of your lives. Totally up to you. You may also speak with the owner and tell the owner why you wish to move your daughter to another daycare. If OW no longer works there, then you stay. If she continues to work there, your business will go elsewhere. Just a suggestion.

Now, you need to do some things as simultaneously as possible, and I suggest you have a copy of Surviving an Affair (available through the bookstore here, Amazon, etc) to guide you through it. You also could use a good marriage coach/counselor. Cerri, who posts on this board, is a marriage coach, so you could change your title to ask for her opinion and she will comment when she gets the chance.

1.) Eliminate any and all LBs (Love Busters).
2.) Begin to meet your H's ENs (Emotional Needs) that he will allow you to meet.
3.) Compose and send an exposure letter of the affair to your friends, family (and his), and OW.
4.) Become Radically Honest. Tell him (using the feeling words Cerri has posted out here) how his actions make you feel.
5.) Begin to respectfully negotiate the end of the affair, no contact between your H and the OW, and a commitment to marital recovery and counseling/coaching.

You need more than just this information before you go off and do these things. There is a format to an exposure letter and formats to respectful negotiation. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair ASAP and start asking any questions you have out here.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Don't do the exposure Takola suggests unless your H is unwilling to end his affair. In that case, yes, but if he is willing to stop contacting her COMPLETELY - and rove to you he has done so, then you don't need to tell anyone except your counselor and her husband, if she has one.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Yes, if the affair is already verifiably over and he is willing to go to no contact, you can skip the exposure part.

Tell the daycare owner that there is a person of questionable character on her staff and you may have to remove your child. Other parents may need to be warned.

Why? Well you never know the motives. Read the concepts section above. Has the A gone PA yet?

L.