Well, for all my rantings and ravings on how I had decided to call it quits......for all my rationalizing...for all my denouncements of Pride....I couldn't walk the walk.<P>I was intent on telling my wife that there was no reason to live the illusion anymore.<P>I was ready to decide that my son could survive just as I have.<P>I was ready to fail.<P>And then...she looks at me and watching the tears fall becomes like watching the crucifixion. I hesitated and that was all it took.<P>In a flash all I could think of was that I didn't want to be without her. NOT that I didn't want to be alone...no...I didn't want to be without my wife.<P>And yet at the same time (and at this moment) I feel like this absolutely will NOT work. That our communication breakdown and her selfish nature do not allow for us to work through anything.<P>Maybe it is because of the holiday season. Maybe it is because my one year old woke up and we had to bring him out into the living room and it seemed we just couldn't end the conversation in front of him. Maybe I'm not ready to admit failure.<P>Whatever it is, or was, I brokedown....told her how much I love her (the truth) and that I never wanted her to go away (the truth) and that I wanted to be with her forever (a lie).<P>DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?

Peter,<BR>The communication break down is where I am with my W. The only difference is that I do want to be with her until one or both of us dies. You do make perfectly good sense because I keep vacillating to that point when my rage takes over. The rage makes me totally irrational and want to do stupid things like beat the hell out of the OM.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

yeah, it makes sense.<BR>I know the confusion and anger, rage, hurt, etc.<BR>i know the weakness and feeling like i am not a man- what a crock, we all have needs- and that is ok. most of this crap happens because of a lack of communication. keep working it will get bettr.

hangingbyathread,<P>I just finished reading your other thread... that you were leaving...<P>It's OK... <P>If you weren't confuse, I'd be shocked!<P>Look... I can understand you incredibly mixed emotions now... and your right... the holiday season wreaks havoc with everyone's spirit and mind.<P>I'll be honest... if I had no support.. no help from family and friends... I'd have just done one of a number of unthinkables (kill myself... kill my wife... kill the OM(several times over)... kill his family(who I don't even know)...)<P>But of <B>all</B> the people that I ran across... from discovery... to psychologists... to filing divorce... to her moving out... <B>one month after all of that</B>... I found the people here.... at the MB FORUM!<P>I don't think I would have had the strength to do a thousandth of what they had recommended to me at first... It took a long time to get my head on straight.<P>As far as your three questions at the end...<BR>Yep... you're not all there yet either...<BR>As far as the "lie"... everyone knows that in moments of great distress... we can think "that" about not just our spouses... but of God as well.<P>As many have taught me to preach to other here...<BR>Stop... Take a deep breath... Wait...<P>You have here at this forum tens upon tens of people who will give you what your counselor can't... what your W can't... what your family can't... <B>unconditional support</B>! They all have their own interests in mind... We don't!... You don't pay for it... it rarely comes across as mean spirited... it revels in absolute truth of marriage... it lifts you when your down... it gives you a safe venting forum unlike any place else...<P>Sure it is hard to rebuild... <BR>Some(all to many) of us know... it's harder to divorce... <BR>The pain an anguish of going through a divorce...<P>With someone we love... we made love to... we found love with...<P>With chilren involved... children we carried... children we kissed to sleep... children we loved from a depth we never knew we had... children whose tears we've wiped away...<P>That is hard...<P>Trying to rebuild a marriage... yes... it's hard too. But here you'll have us... In a divorce... all you'll have are those lovely attorneys... a "wonderful" and "justice filled" court system... fees up the kilt... and in all that time... you will not have grown a bit.<P>Here we talk... we "self-build"...<BR>Yeah... we struggle... hell we even fight sometimes(hardly ever)...<BR>But we're here for each other... in this place like no where else!<P>I was going to reply to your previous post like most others did... 'yeah...' 'see you...' 'good luck...'... but I couldn't! And I don't know why I couldn't...<P>Hey, your marriage may not work out... but even if it doesn't... by staying here... working through as best as possible the Plan's... you will grow... you will mature... and <B>no</B> it isn't a waste of time... If your marriage fails... the next relationship you have will be far superior...<P>No matter what... (my line to Arik... if your there)... <B>you are loved here</B>!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Jim,<P>Spoken like a true friend...thank you!<P>I am impulsive...I need to work on that, I know.<P>Thank you all for being here.<P>I will be here as well.<P>Peter<BR><P>------------------<BR>All is not lost<BR>A new dawn is here<BR>And I am alive by his Grace

Jim, <BR>I am almost brought to tears by your response! You say so many things that I believe many of us hear feel. <BR>Peter, keep posting...this is a great group of people, all of us at different stages,many of us as confused and torn as you are. But the support you will get here is wonderful.<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

hey hangingbyathread.....from one zonnie to another! I think you should do everything you can to make your marriage work. My mom and dad are raising a granddaughter that is in no way shape or form a blood relation. They are in the process of adopting her and she will then be my little sister. Just because the blood in his veins MAY not be yours dose not mean that you could not be his daddy. <P><BR>*********************************************<P>"anyone can be a Father, it takes someone special to be a Daddy!"<P>unknown<BR>*********************************************<P>Do you want to be a father or a Daddy? From the sounds of it you want to be a daddy, so do everything in your power to be a good daddy and keep the family together.<P>My parents are approaching their 30th anniversary(I believe) and I am so proud they are in the positive end of the marriage stats.<P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

hanging,<P>I had written you a note on your other thread and decided not to post it---I thought it was too harsh...<P>But (as usual ), my instincts are right.<P>Here's the deal as I see it: you haven't yet learned how to be a good husband. I don't think that your marriage counselor sounds like he's been productive, so I would suggest that you call Steve Harley here and get working with him. Your wife should do this as well. I know that you're skeptical---but that doesn't really matter, as long as you're willing to give it a try and do the work. If your wife is also willing to give it a shot, you'll be well on your way to recovery.<P>Now, I know that you're going to say that "hey---it's MY WIFE that's the problem". And she's part of it---but you can only work on YOU. <P>There is a time for divorce. It's after you've done everything possible to save the marriage. After you've learned the appropriate behaviors and marital skills to REALLY be a good husband. After you've demonstrated a consistant track record of this new behavior to your wife. After you've been shown that you have no hope for your marriage.<P>You're nowhere near a "healthy" divorce. You want to be a good role model to your son---get working on the marriage. I know that you've been trying on your own, and that you're tired and frustrated now. That's why I'm suggesting that you call Steve (888-639-1639) and start working with him immediately. He will be able to renew your strength and your desire to work on the marriage. Your wife (assuming that she also counsels with him) will NOT feel like he and you are ganging up---Steve is a behavioral counselor who will ask your wife for feedback on how YOU are doing in your new behaviors, while working with her on learning HER new behaviors. It's a very effective way to get to the heart of marital problems, and you'll quickly build love with one another.