The OM's W in this 3-ring circus IS the only one with enough common sense to shake up this mess. She obviously knows what it takes to work on something this difficult. You don't see her asking for some "time" to heal. Good grief!

You are in a FOG that is so deep, I wonder if you truly ARE the OW. I can see why the OM's W would think such a thing. You are defending the GF as though her very salvation depends on you.

You're not going to leave....either you are the GF or you have a sick addiction to "save" this girl which is not going to happen. Because you won't allow her to completely feel the consequences of her actions, mark my words, she WILL have another A. If you're M, you'll probably be right back here....finally understanding what it is we are trying to tell you.

Good luck in your pity party.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: MENISCECTOMY ]</small>

How often do people recommit adultery?

Men:

I'll take a whack at answering your 2uestions:

"So what you are saying is to leave her and listen to her request of time off to heal and maybe move on."

I think it's healthy 2 give her time 2 think and heal. Also, give yourself time 2 think and heal. And realize that, since you aren't Md, one option IS 2 move on.

"I guess it just hurts to think I am not good enough for her."

Nor is she good enough for you. You both have problems that, if you give yourselves time and get professional help, you can both overcome. But do these things because you should for YOU (and she for HER), not because you must have each other.

"This is what really hurts. What is about the other guy she was attracted to."

Ask her. It may be possible 2 fullfil that need in his place.

"Do you really think they were "soul mates"."

I don't believe in soul mates, unless we're talking shoes, and then it's sole mates.

"How can a married guy with two kids have an affair with someone he meets and spends very little time with. Explain this to me? Is this not sick?"

There is no logical explanation. And yes, in a way, it is sick. But they're both sick.

"How do you make her feel the consequences of her actions?"

You can't. She must do this.

"Is the depression she is facing her feeling guilty or because of what she went through or a consequence of both."

Probably both. But this is her problem 2 solve.

"Can you ever find someone who can fill that void the void she fills in my life?"

Yes. Many have.

"How long does it take to get over someone? Does the pain ever go away?"

It can take years, depending on how long you were 2gether. The pain does go away, but it can come back if you see each other sometime down the line.

"How often do people recommit adultery?"

Some never commit adultery. Some never repeat it. Some are serial cheaters. Some are sex addicts. There's no way 2 know at this point.

What you should learn, by reading on the home page and by reading books like "His Needs, Her Needs", is how 2 make an "affair-proof" marriage. Now, there are no guarantees in life really. Nobody is truly "affair proof." But there are reasons why people have affairs. And they are more likely 2 be preventable if we remain vigilant. M requires maintenance. Any worthwhile relationship does. Maintenance requires hard work.

best,
-2long

2Long and OnlyUcan

Thanks for your support and wake up call. I just go it..."time" to heal. Is what you are saying is that she is being selfish because multiple people have been hurt. His wife needs to heal.

This is making so much sense. What other great wisdom do you have to offer?
The things they did not teach me in Medical School...

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: MENISCECTOMY ]</small>

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: MENISCECTOMY ]</small>

If you read up on affairs on the home page at this website, you will learn that the FOG has to do with the state of being that the cheating person is in when they are still in relationship with the other person.

It sounds like in your state of discovery of this affair, you have been in the protector mode and rescuer mode. That is not uncommon. But as long as you are continuing to make excuses for her, she will never learn, never be accountable AND she will be prime for doing it again. Why shouldn't she? She can just tell you she is a victim again and you will ride in on the white horse and forgive her and trash the other person and their spouse.

I think the reason that I am so passionate about this is because accountability is HUGE for me. If I were to "cover" for my FWH, he would have NEVER quit.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: MENISCECTOMY ]</small>