ok here goes two weeks ago I had a bad feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that something ws wrong with my husband...He was distant...Well while cleaning out the computer I found a picture of a friend of mine and directions to her dorm...I thought kinda wierd so I called her out on it and she caved she had slept with my husband about a week before...We have only been married a year and we have a 9 month old...I felt so strongly about getting out and never coming back but as a student at the moment my life style didn't allow it...Beside my husband convinced me that I ws making a rash decision and should just think about it...So after a week of crying,screaming and talking we decided to give it another try.

Darn it...I wasn't done yet sorry...Ok so since the other woman was a so called friend she did keep contacting me to set the record straight in her opinon...She sent me copies of there conversations online...My husband begged me not to look but I couldn't help myself it was like a trainwreck I knew it was awful but had to look...So I find out that my husband had unprotected sex with her, that he told her he was going to use me till he found someone better and other hateful stuff along this line...I hate myself now I feel like such a fool...Now he is going away this weekend hunting even after I told him I dont approve in light of recent events but he says I made a promise I have to...What about his promises to me they never seem to matter...If anyone has any advice I am open to it...

Thanks KC

Let me be the first to welcome you to the BS club. There is a great welcome list, but the first thing to do is nothing. Take a deep breath. I know this hurts more than anything, but it will be OK. I am over two years out from a betrayal and we are happy and together.

We always recommend that you start by reading Dr Harley's book. Start with Surviving the Affair..gosh it's been so long for me that I've actually forgotten the exact name. You can buy them on this web site. I'll try to post a link to the general welcome for you. It is going to be OK. Read, with knowledge comes power! Hugs-Jersey Girl

OK here is the link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000553

Thank you I am going to try to get the book in the bookstore before I order it just becuase I feel like I am going to lose it now and will try anything...

I know how you feel. When you read you'll find out how common this stuff is and how men will ususally return to the wife. The affair is an escape, I'd bet he was trying to get away from responsibility. Sounds like you are a young couple and he may be a little immature, but he is a Dad now and needs to step up to the plate.

He needs to have no contact with her. You need to cut off contact too, she is no friend. Are you sure he is with the boys this weekend? I don't mean to hurt you, but these WSs frequently can't end it over night. Sometimes they do, but it really doesn't matter if he is with her because once the truth comes out, their affair has about 3% of surviving, your marriage has more than a 50% chance of surviving, national stats, and for 1st X marriages, it's close to 60%. It will be OK. Things have to settle. If you are in your 20's, you may deceide you don't want him anymore in a few months, but I have found that it can work. There have also been studies that have stated that your WS will be just as happy with you, as anyone in 5 years. Why? Because the affair is about his problems, not yours. He has issues. After a baby men are often jealous of the attention the baby gets. Don't get me wrong, he loves the baby and the baby will help keep the marriage together, but he may need more time alone with you. Really, it is going to be OK.

If you are in school and have to study you might look into getting some antidepressants. The first few weeks after you find out can be awful. I could hardly work, lost a promotion at work (I just sat there like a zombie and everyone knew something was wrong). When I got on anti-D's it really helped. You will get through this and your H will most likely come back. It's up to you to read everything here (not fair at all!) to make your marriage better than it ever was. There is some excellent support here, and unbelievable kindness and caring. Keep posting and hang in there. You can get through this.

Psychgrl17

I am so sorry that your H is making bad choices so early in the marriage. I know how deeply this hurts you. It makes you questions yourself and maybe even asks was there something that I did or didn’t do that would have prevented the A. The answer is NO. He made the choice to sleep with the OW. He will try to blame you but the real truth is he made the choice to sleep with the OW. Not you!!

In the book that was suggested “Surviving the affair” by Harley there is an emotional needs quesionairre. Look over the questionnaire and perhaps you and hubby can sit down together and discuss your emotional needs and his and how each o you can meet the other’s needs. I can tell you from my own personal experience that he doesn’t have a clue as to what your emotional needs are. So, use this as an opportunity to learn and grow closer together.

Have you exposed the affair to your parent and his? By all means tell them. They can help exert considerable pressure on H to be honest and trustworthy. The same applies to friends that are pro marriage. Tell them to contact your H and speak in favor of marriage.
Exposing the A will send a strong signal to the OW to stay away. People in affairs tend to repeat their errors. So, be brutally honest about what happened. Exposure is NOT about REVENGE. It is a method that is used to stop or kill and affair. Don’t believe that it is over or that H will not repeat his wayward ways.

I know this is a lot to throw at you at one time. We want you to know that we will be here for you anytime you need our support. Please stay in contact and feel free to post questions, comments or use MB to vent your frustration and anger.

Look into those meds. They take a while to work.

Beau

Psychgrl17

I am just checking to see if you are OK. I know this whole situation is very painful, plus having a new baby. The stress and fatigue must be bad.

Think about your options. Get as much rest and sleep as you can. Ask more questions. We can discuss other options.

Just know that we are here for you.

Beau

Just want to make sure you are OK. God knows we know how difficult this can be. Yes, see your doc and get something for sleep and for depression. You need to be ready for the day to day struggle. It will be great, this is a phase. Keep reading here. Hugs- Jersey Girl

Are you OK?

Thank you all for your support and advice and I am sorry I haven't been able to check in life is still pretty hectic...But I am doing ok for the moments somedays I am not so sure...I verified that my husband went away with his family I am still pissed off that he didn't respect me enough to stay home like I asked but that was a issue in our marriage to begin with...He is still in the process of finding himself a therapist...there are some insurance issues surrounding that but I will keep everyone posted thank you all again...

KC

I have another question...the biggest issue for me was that after only being married a little over a year before my husband cheated how does a marriage survive that? Is it common for affairs to occur basically in the first year?

Sometimes these affairs start even before marriage, and yes, this marriage can survive. Some oldtimers like myself will tell you there are husbands that have cheated from the start and had several affairs before being caught. There is no better time than now to learn and grow from this. Yes your marriage can grow and be the envy of all.

One other thing, ever read men are from mars? He is retreating in his cave to figure this out. Give him the distance he needs. Look at me other thread with OW found out we are still intimate. Sometimes you just have to give them space. It will be OK.

Here is the link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003448

I am back again with another question....What is plan A and plan B?

Thanks

What is plan A and plan B?
Read below and make sure you get "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley.

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>