Just found out, well actually 6 weeks ago that my wife had started to have an emotional affair. I think that I found out right when it was starting but I really don't know for sure. This is a guy that my wife has know for 11 years. HOWEVER, she worked with him for 3, but not directly, and then we had a child. For the past 8 years the only, that I know of, contact that she says that they have had is a once yearly visit to let him see how our daughter is growing. This fall, she got a job where he was working and within 2 weeks they had told each other that they loved each other and this affair started. I do feel better that he made the original contact to...

She says that she has felt unloved by me for the last 4 or so years.... but she never said anything (or I didn't listen). She says that she still loves me and that she loves me more than the OM. That said, she is still not pushing very hard to break contact. She has sent him emails telling him to stop, but he keeps coming over at work and visiting.

Since I have found out, I have been trying everything that I know to try and get points. Messages, telling her that I love her (probably too much), written her love letters, house cleaning, dishes, cooking the dinner, and LOTS of others....

Is there any way to know for sure that I making any headway?? Anyone have any advice??

You should be in Plan A. Read all about it. It sounds like there is quite a bit of hope for your marriage, and it can even be better than before. Read all the information on this board, and when you have questions or problems, post here. You'll get lots of suggestions and ideas of what to do, and also support from folks who have been through this heartache.

Should I get involved and talk to the OM?? I really think things would be much better right now.... it's just that he is the one that keeps making contact.

Hello,

Absolutely contact the OM and tell him you know and want it to stop. If he is seeing someone or married then inform his significant other. It is important that he knows you know and you plan to inform everyone about this. Get a restraining order if possible filed against him. Make his life misearable. If you do nothing then you are enabling him to continue with his plan to break up your marriage. I wish you luck.

Click on the link in my signature line.

Well.... things seem to have gone down hill...

She said that she wanted to break things off. She suggested a face to face. I said NO... but figured an ultimatum wouldn't help.

She has been gone now around 1 hour.

I don't know what to do.

Golum:

How come you did not go with her to meet him?
This is absolutely ridiculous. I am sorry but your wife sounds like a perfect cakewoman. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. How disrespectful and humiliating this is to you. I have a hunch this will be a continuing pattern because you allow this and will not even confront the OM yourself. Apparently she knows she can do anything she wishes no matter how painful it is to you without consequences. I really feel bad for you. I wish you luck.

" For the past 8 years the only, that I know of, contact that she says that they have had is a once yearly visit to let him see how our daughter is growing. "

The question "Why"? I find it very strange that this OM would be visiting on yearly basis to see how your daughter is growing. Something in this does not sound right. I think that there is more going on than what your wife is telling you. I would order a DNA paternity test to make sure that you are the biological father. If this guy is married I would tell his wife.

Well.... after 2 hours she is home. Just to fill you all in these are the events of yesterday. I contacted the OM and said that we should talk yesterday morning. He didn't contact me till around 3:30 in the afternoon. HOWEVER, now that I have talked to my wife he contacted her in the morning and told her that they needed to talk. She told me at 3:45 that they were going to meet at his office. I didn't go with because she said that it was at a school(elementary) and people were still there and the office had glass windows. Why am I so stupid? She has, if nothing else been honest after the fact. They went instead to a park and met there. At the end, I guess that she broke it off, but she did kiss him. He will be calling me this morning.

What do I do? I want to F*&$## scream at him and her. He is a principal at an elementary school. I want to go there and ruin his life. I want to contact his wife but I don't want to make someone else go thru the hell that I have been thru. I also don't think that it would make any difference. He is going to retire this year and I fully believe that he is going to leave her.

When she came home, I did (I think) a really poor job. I wasn't prepared for 2 hours. She also had turned off her cell phone and I couldn't get a hold of her. I didn't yell but I did cry a lot. I hope that I haven't pushed her away by doing that. One of the first things that she said to me was that this was probably the last time that she will ever see him and tried to use that as an excuse for tonite. What happened to marriage??!! Letting me know that she is alright??!! Jeez.

From every thing that I've read, now I must wait for her to finish mourning for him..... if in fact they are going to break it off. Is there a way to know when she is done?? My god, this has been hell. Is there a way to know when she is ready to accept deposits??? At times she can be VERY cold. From growing up with an abusive father she has learned to fully turn off her emotions when they become to powerful.... and she can't handle much power. That is one of the probs that we have had. Any time that I've tried to talk about problems she has simply turned off.

I love my wife with all my heart.... I just can't understand how she can keep lying to me when all I've asked for was the truth thru this time period.... But I will stand by her, she will have to be the one to leave.

Well...... after today, I am tired, wasted and empty. I never knew that a broken heart could be so painful. Any advice is welcome... I need to try and sleep now.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 06:03 AM: Message edited by: Golum ]</small>

Sorry you are feeling so bad. Your wife sounds like a cake eater. I know how you feel - when my WH broke up the first time with OW, they went to a motel. You cannot trust anything they say, they lie, lie, lie, and deny, deny, deny. It really doesn't even do any good to catch them. I had motel bills and my H still denied everything. I didn't do Plan A, the continuing contact and deception made me start losing my love. But if you can do it Plan A is the best place to start. Another thing that needs to be done is notifying the OM's W. Don't believe that he is about to leave her, that is probably a lie too. My H/OW told me that her H knew and didn't care. That was a lie too. The wife deserves to know so if he is going to leave she can get a big chunk of his retirement. Also for health reasons. For some reason, lots of these folks don't use protection when they get together. I'm not saying she is having PA, but she could be. She could be lying about that. Right now you need to take care of yourself. You might need some anti-D's to get through this. I would not confront OM, he has no respect for you, and I haven't heard too many happy stories come out of confrontation with OP. Hang in there and try to settle in for a long period of upheaval. But things will get better.

I am so sorry for you Golum.
What a comment that you should not go with her to
meet the OM because his office has windows so they go to a park and say goodbye again and engage in a kissing session?
I am sorry but she really is playing you and seems to be a perfect example of a cakewoman. Do you really think she would accept such behavior from you if the roles were reversed? From your description I think it will be a matter of time before she connects again with this guy.
I read the comment by Yosh and I am afraid to say that it makes a great deal of sense to me.
Unfortunately she seems to have so little respect for you and your marriage. She apparently feels you will put up with anything and everything she does to you.
Until she realized that you are willing to walk away and that there are consequences to her actions then I am afraid this rollercoaster will continue in the future. When he said lets go to the park she should have either come home immediately or asked you to join them. Her attitude to go to a park and engage in a kissing session says a great deal about her and what she thinks of you. How much humiliation are you willing to endure? After all of this time I doubt the relationship will end. I would agree with Yosh that a paternity test is in order which would make sense based on what has happened for the past 8 years.
I wish you luck.

Well... wasn't able to get much sleep. Thanks for the comments.

I might have mis-stated the situation. According to her it was a final kiss... Not that I agree with it at all. She seems very sincere. This morning when she left for work, she was very depressed. I really do think that she is going to try and be straight....

Do I contact the OW now?? Or do I wait until the 2 of slip up again? My wife is VERY much against me not contacting his wife.... of course. At the same time, if she is going to try and stay away from him I don't want to make any withdrawals and piss her off.....

He is going to call this morning and we will visit. I want at least to give a voice to the person's heart that he is helping tear apart.

Thoughts??

According to my H when he and OW went to motel to end affair it was the final boink. Only they continued to march after that. Let OM's wife know. Don't be afraid, your W and OM are both disrespecting your marriage. I'm really against talking to OM - he cares nothing about you. He's just trying to keep you from letting his W know what is going on.

Golum:

It is absolutlely essential to contact the OM's wife. This way she will be watching him and the affair will have a much greater chance to be over.
He will contact you and say everything will be fine. Of course your wife and he will ask that you not inform his wife.
If you do not contact his wife you will be enabling the affair to continue in the future. The Harley's believe it is absolutely essential that the OM's wife be informed immediately. If you do not do this then he has a green light at any time in the future to start having sex again with your wife. These are the consequences to their actions. Of course your wife wants to have had her cake and nobody will be the wiser except you. I wonder if your wife was the OM's wife; do you think she would want to know? I guarantee you the answer is yes.
The OM will try to smooth talk you of not telling his wife. Please do not allow him to do this to you. They have both been playing you and may continue in the future if you do not make this affair known to his wife. How can you not see this? Again this is absolutely essential according to the Harley's that the affair must be exposed to the betrayed spouses. I am afraid Golum you may still be in denial. I wish you luck.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Golum ]</small>

Golum: Tell his wife. Don't tell your wife's mother unless your wife is unwilling to verifiably end contact with him, or both of you agree that it is the right thing to do.

Read my signature line link, or read it again if you alredy have, and read the embedded links, too. They answer some ofthe questions you are asking.

Thank you all for your comments. I know that you all will be disapointed in me, but I am going to wait to inform the OM's wife until the next slip up. I am just having to hard of a time knowing that I would be giving info that would cause someone else pain. I did inform the OM and my wife that I would go directly to her if there was ANY contact whatsoever. Luckily for me, I am currently unemployed so keeping track of things is quite a bit easier.

But I do have a question.

My wife acts like things are just fine. She always wants to talk about her work to me. I assume that listening is going to make deposits for me .... but do I have to?? If I tell her that "I love her but I can't act like things are fine and give her 100% of my attention all of the time" is that going to damage my chances?? It just drives me crazy to have her sitting there telling me funny stories (and laughing) about her kids that she teaches. It's like she wants me to join in and there is no way that I can laugh right now.

Also, assuming that contact is not there anymore, how do I know (or can I) that she is getting over him? During this time period, am I supposed to treat life like normal until they slip again??

Thoughts??

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Golum ]</small>

Well.... I did visit with the OM and then had a talk with my wife about it.

There is an interesting side to this whole thing which I will now share. Like I said earlier I found out very early in the whole thing. I have always felt that OM was manipulating my wife. I tried to tell her this but of course she didn't listen. The visit is how I was able to, I think, prove to her what was going on.

After this time of saying things had to stop w says that she firmly believed that he would stop.

HOWEVER.

During our visit OM told me that neither of them had wanted this to happen. However he told W that everything that he did had an alterior (sp?) motive.

He told me that after the first time that she said that things had to stop the ONLY reason that he continued to see her was to try to recreate their friendship and "Roll Back the Clock". However she informed me of some things. After the first time, he sent her a 3 page love letter. After the second time he told her a story. It was supposedly true. OM has always gone to the beach by himself during the weekends and some how this happened the weekend after the friday when she said things had to stop. A 20 year old lady tried to pick him up at a bar and go home with he. He told my W that the only thing stopping him was his love for her. What a crock.

OM said that he couldn't promise not to see W since the had LOTS of meetings where they would have to sit close to each other. W informed, however, that those meetings would be MAYBE once a year, if that.

OM also printed out my email message that was asking for our meeting and showed my wife on the afternoon when she said again that things needed to stop. I think that he did this since she didn't want me to contact him. OM wanted to get her mad and have her leave me. Luckily it didn't work.

The real clincher was this.
After their meeting my W told me that they had never had sex. OM told me that they had. I believe my W. OM, I believe was trying to get me to leave her. When I told her about what he had said, I also mad sure to tell her that I didn't care (Tho if they did it breaks my heart).

There were quite a few others but this is getting kinda long so I will stop...

My next step is to go to the police if he contacts her again. I see a real "Fatal Attraction" here.

<small>[ November 22, 2003, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Golum ]</small>