I have caught and confronted my husband of cheating on me on 6 different occasions, with 6 different women, over the period of 12 years of our marriage. I have two daughters - 7 year old and a 9 month old with him. I have always been VERY sincere and dedicated to him, but I am unable to get over the last time he cheated on me, when he walked in with 5 hickies on his neck. I tried to walk out on him, but he begged me to stay. But, now if I ask him why he was late to come home or where he is or why he did not answer the phone, he snaps and calls me a "fb" and tells me to leave him alone. I suspect he is guilty of something that he is acting this way.

Am I wrong? Am I overreacting? Do I deserve this?

Lost in the race of life...

Karen

No you are not overreacting. He has all the signs, blaming things on you, name calling. Luckily you have found this place, you'll get lots of support and good advice here. Have you read all the information here? It is very helpful. In the meantime keep posting and letting us know what he is up to. Also take good care of yourself and little ones. Ignore what he says, they all spout off the same hurtful words. You may want to get some counseling too, since this isn't first A.

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: kdhillon ]</small>

Thanks for responding, Believer! I am just really torn up right now. I don't know how to feel. He gets really angry and I end up apologizing even if it is not my fault. I don't think asking a question is my fault, but I still apologize. I feel like I am in this relationship because I am not worth anything. My self-esteem is diminished. I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep every night, cuz he watches TV downstairs until he is ready to go sleep. I feel really lonely. Really lonely.

Why are YOU apologizing. He has taught you to not trust him and he doesn't deserve your trust.

No wonder your self-esteem is low. Get some counseling and start working on YOU. You need to get yourself stronger to deal w/this man.

I really want to go off about him but know that is not going to help you.

You have every right to feel lonely BUT quit looking for him to fill the gap. He isn't going to right now. Do you have any friends? Do you go to church? If so, start living your life! Don't worry about what he's doing if you are out doing something w/out him because if he's going to do something wrong he'll do it regardless. He'll see you picking yourself up and getting a life and he'll start asking YOU questions. Just watch.

Read all you can here and see if you can get your husband to agree to MC as well. This is not good and you children do not deserve this atmosphere as well.

I hope you get more responses because there are a lot of good people on this board who will be able to give you more pointers and support.

Please check out counseling. If you do not have $$, then check through your local church. There are some Christian counselors out there that work on a sliding scale.

KD, when my journey first began it felt like the hurricane you are in right now. Many people who had been in the eye of the hurricane before told me to work on me. It took me awhile to start but it has been the best thing to ever happen to me. one and a half years later I'm nowhere near done but I can say I like me, and if this M doesn't work out it will still hurt but I have no question that I can do amazing things all by myself and that someone special will be drawn to that. Its a nice place to be.

So get C if you can. Plan out what you want. For me I started back to college at 38 to become a school teacher. I've lost and gained and lost weight again(don't worry you sometimes have back slides)I'm learning what I want not just what I can give.

Km4(a karen too)
me 39
WS 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend.

Thanks, but I feel like I have no emotions left in me. I am unable to do anything. All I do is think about it and the more I try to go near him, the farther away he pushes me each time...I can't stay away from him. I really love him. I tried praying, but nothing seems to help. I wish I had it in me to get up and go to church, but I have no desire of doing anything other than fixing what's wrong. But, he has no desire of anything (with me at least)...he does not even want to talk or communicate in any way.
I don't know what to do or what to say to him to get a positive response of anything.

Km4,

Could you email me directly? I have started school too to be a RN. I already have a Computer Engineering degree, but lost my job. I am also trying to lose weight so boost up my self-esteem. But, nothing is helping. I can't concentrate on anything. I need a friend like you to keep me focused.

Would you like to talk?
Karen
karendhillon@comcast.net

Would somebody tell me how I should act/behave with him? Should I stay quiet? If I do that, then he does not talk to me for days...or as long as I don't say anything or approach him in any way. If I talk to him, he is really rude and acts like I am in his way and he does not wish to speak with me.
I am soooo confused.....sooooo lost!!!
God help me!
Karen

Karen,
We are so sorry you have to be in this situation.
Here is a link to some informaton that may help.

Living with Relationship Disaster

It would be good for you to read up on plans A, and B also. It sounds like you need to know where to start. There is much good material on this web site, but I recommend the book Surving An Affair by Dr Harely. Sometimes you can find it in the library, but if not, you can get it from this webiste. You know by now that you are not alone, and that is both good and bad.

I believe you must especially read up on setting boundries - plan A doesn't mean be a doormat.

Do some reading and get back to us as questions arise. Remember that we are not professionals, but we will help all we can. I recommend you consider calling the counseling center (see word "counsel" above on the menu.) This sounds like something way beyond what most of us are used to seeing.

Please let us know how you are doing.

SS

Thanks Still Seeking,

I appreciate your response. I will look up that book. Hopefully, it will show me some direction.

Karen

I just feel like all doors have shut on me. No matter what I do or say, IS WRONG.....ALWAYS WRONG. There is nothing that I can say or do right.

Please, please tell me what to do...someone tell me.

Please!

I know exactly how you feel.

He is going to make you feel like everything you do is wrong, it is his way of controlling the situation. If he yells at you or generally does things that destroy your self esteem then he can continue to act in any way he wishes.

Have you found a counselor for yourself? I saw that someone had suggested it. You need to make yourself stronger and ignore everything he has to say. You cannot do anything to fix this situation until you are stronger. Until then he won't respond to anything you try because he knows he can tear you down and not have to change anything.

JGNC

Hi JGNC,

I understand what you are saying. Actually, I am talking to a friend to get a counselor as well. You are absolutely correct, he does everything to put me down in any way he can. He tries to look for a fight or an argument with ANYTHING I say or do. It's like I am never right. The other day, he said some things to me that were very very hurtful, but even to this day, he did not feel the need to apologize to me. He acts like that day never happened. Some days he is nice to me and acts like he does not need to bring up anything or talk about anything. I tried to tell him that we need to sit and talk, but he feels that there is nothing to talk about and also, said that if I need to see some changes, then I need to take action and change my ways.

I am totally lost in this.....I can't win either way.

K