Hello all, I found out that my wife of 5 years recently had a one night stand with some OM that she states she has known for a while. She revealed this to me three weeks ago. Without going into great detail many probloems in our marriage preexisted this "affair". I have run the gamut of emotions from anger, denial to disgust. I forgive her everyday and I know that it does no good to bring this up to her. When ever I try to talk with her about it she becomes defensive and brings up wrongs that I have done to her (nothing like what she did to me), and I get reactive and it starts an argument. When I don't talk she accuses me of pushing her away. Some days are better then others when dealing with this but sometimes his hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't hardly function. I am at the point where I think it would be best for me to leave, but there are children involved. I continue to go to counseling on a weekly basis (apart from her because before I can work on my marriage I need to work on myself) but that doesn't seem to help the hurt I feel almost on a daily basis. My wife doesn't seem to grasp how deeply hurt I am not to mention the fact that I currently have no trust in her. I guess my question to everyone is: should I leave. I think I need to do what is best for me. Thanks

You can start by being firmly in Plan A. She is behaving like they all do, blaming you, not seeming to realize the hurt you are suffering. Pay no attention, this is standard WS behavior. Don't make any decisions until you have been in Plan A for several months. Follow MB path and your marriage can grow better than ever.

I have tried being strong but it isn't working. WS states the OM left town the day after it happened (how convienent!) and she tells me that she has NC with OM. But since I can't trust or belive a word that comes out of her mouth I have no idea. From what I've read that in a nut shell is Plan A (NC). I love my wife but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel! A marriage without communication and lack of trust isn't quite a marriage. I feel that I need to leave to keep my sanity. At least I wouldn't have to look at her and wonder why and if she will do it agian. What is most distrubing is when pressed for a reason (aside from "it just happened") she told me he reminded her of me! That, to me, is so sick! I don't know. I don't plan on acting on anything until I can speak with my counselor, I would hate to loose her but it may be my only option.

Read about Plan A again. It is about treating your wife well, and no LBing. It is extremely hard to do. I didn't do it at all and now my H is living with OW. Now I regret not doing it. Your trust is gone and it should be. But if you follow the MB plan things can get better. Your marriage didn't fall apart in a month, and it will not be put back together quickly. Most WS's follow the same script - not realizing the heartache they have caused, not wanting to talk about it, etc. Hang in there and get busy on Plan A.

Ahh, NC is only part of Plan A (as I understand it). The biggest part of Plan A, however, is to show your WW just how great of a husband you can and will be. If you've read some of the materials presented here, this means trying to satisfy her most important Emotional Needs, and no "Love-Busting". Do the good things that mean the most to her, and avoid the bad things that are always hurtful to any personal encounter.

For me, I have discovered that avoiding those angry outbursts, judgements, and selfish demands can be applied to ALL areas of my life, not just my marriage.

It's hard. I, myself, am struggling with it on an hourly basis. It's especially hard when you get no positive feedback, or negative feedback, or the hurtful behaviors continue. For me, that's the hardest part of all. To find the strength and energy to continue "working" when it seems to do no good.

But as many people have reminded me, it is good. Even if just for your own mental health and well-being. Even if just for your own self-esteem. It is good. It can be hard to hang on to those ideas and hopes, but you have to. I have to. Without them, what else do we have left?

So, give her the things that she needs, even if she's not giving back. Show her what a wonderful husband and father you can be, even if it seems like it's having no immediate effect. Be the best "you" that you can be, and you know you'll be better for it.

Now, if I could only take my own advice...heh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NC is not part of Plan A. Plan A is entirely the responsibility of the BS.

Read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Concepts" link above. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, in my signature line link). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls.

I am having a problem with the fact that the BS has to make all the concessions while working to restore the marriage. What ever happened to natural consequences to actions? The BS is the one who has to act rationally while the WS gets to act any way that they please. I am not one to argue with a technique, if it works, but am I the only one that this sounds backwards to? My wife was unfaithful and I have to suffer the consequences! What is the logic in this? I am very mad and I hope I don't offend anyone, but what the? I was not the husband of the year nor father of the year but I was brought up with morals and adultery was one thing that was never acceptable. Why is it now? I things changed so radically since I was a youth? I struggle with the hurt of what my WS has done to me everyday, and my WS thinks that she has the right to behave whatever way she sees fit. Sorry, just another of those down days.

seven- I felt EXACTLY like you. I had already thrown H out by the time I read about Plan A, but I continued to LB when he came over - it seemed like a bunch of cr#p to me. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to do it. No it is not fair, but it is a way to manage the turmoil and get to the point where you can work on your marriage. I wish I had done it, now H is living with OW and our marriage is done. Although it seems completely backwards, it does work. On other boards I've seen people go from a fairly good marriage to dealing with an affair, to divorce in less than 6 months. For your children's sake, try to do it.

I try and try and try not to LB and make deposits in her EN, but it is so easy to fall back into the anger. I want to shake her and scream my lungs out and tell her how much this has affected me (not that she would understand). And what about my EN?
WW still feels what she did is totally OK, she has said she is sorry amd that she never menat for this to happen but it all seems so insincere.
What kills me the most out of all this is the kids, I would leave if it wasn't for them. I feel as though she doesn't deserve me, and if she supposedly loved/loves me how could she do this?
Everything is much deeper then I am willing to explain at this point and she knows that if I leave there would serious consequences. I am hanging on by a thread and it feels as though I am slipping away farther and farther everyday.
I am trying very hard at Plan A but don't know if I am willing or able to continue it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sevenselves:
<strong> I am having a problem with the fact that the BS has to make all the concessions while working to restore the marriage. What ever happened to natural consequences to actions? The BS is the one who has to act rationally while the WS gets to act any way that they please. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that thought has occurred more than once to all of us BSes. What I have come to realize is that Plan A allows the BS to regain control of not only his/her life but also, to some extent, of the situation. You will be doing these things to achieve your goal of saving the rebuilding a new and better marrage. The goal is not to reward the WS.

Somebody on the board has a quote line by Bonhoeffer in which he says:

"It is the advantage and the nature of the strong that they can bring crucial issues to the fore and take a clear position regarding them. The weak always have to choose between alternatives that are not their own."

My fellow BS, that is what you and I are doing. We are taking a position and we are making the choices from our alternatives not theirs.

If you continue to be upset I highly recommend consulting your physician about anti-depressents. I thought I would never need them, but I finally gave in and saw my doctor. I am on an exremely mild dose and it makes a huge difference in my ability to function at work and to think clearly about the situation. My hope is that with proper IC (my WW will not yet go to joint MC), I can ditch the drugs in a month or two.

Hang in there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sevenselves:
<strong> I am having a problem with the fact that the BS has to make all the concessions while working to restore the marriage. What ever happened to natural consequences to actions? The BS is the one who has to act rationally while the WS gets to act any way that they please. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that thought has occurred more than once to all of us BSes. What I have come to realize is that Plan A allows the BS to regain control of not only his/her life but also, to some extent, of the situation. You will be doing these things to achieve your goal of saving and then rebuilding a better marrage. The goal is NOT to reward the WS. It sure ain't mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Somebody on the board has a quote line by Bonhoeffer in which he says:

"It is the advantage and the nature of the strong that they can bring crucial issues to the fore and take a clear position regarding them. The weak always have to choose between alternatives that are not their own."

My fellow BS, that is what you and I are doing. We are taking a position and we are making the choices from our alternatives not theirs.

If you continue to be upset I highly recommend consulting your physician about anti-depressents. I thought I would never need them, but I finally gave in and saw my doctor. I am on an exremely mild dose and it makes a huge difference in my ability to function at work and to think clearly about the situation. My hope is that with proper IC (my WW will not yet go to joint MC), I can ditch the drugs in a month or two.

Hang in there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sevenselves:
<strong> I am having a problem with the fact that the BS has to make all the concessions while working to restore the marriage. What ever happened to natural consequences to actions? The BS is the one who has to act rationally while the WS gets to act any way that they please. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that thought has occurred more than once to all of us BSes. What I have come to realize is that Plan A allows the BS to regain control of not only his/her life but also, to some extent, of the situation. You will be doing these things to achieve your goal of saving and then rebuilding a better marrage. The goal is NOT to reward the WS. It sure ain't mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Somebody on the board has a quote line by Bonhoeffer in which he says:

"It is the advantage and the nature of the strong that they can bring crucial issues to the fore and take a clear position regarding them. The weak always have to choose between alternatives that are not their own."

My fellow BS, that is what you and I are doing. We are taking a position and we are making the choices from our alternatives not theirs.

If you continue to be upset I highly recommend consulting your physician about anti-depressents. I thought I would never need them, but I finally gave in and saw my doctor. I am on an exremely mild dose and it makes a huge difference in my ability to function at work and to think clearly about the situation. My hope is that with proper IC (my WW will not yet go to joint MC), I can ditch the drugs in a month or two.

Hang in there.