My H of 14 yrs just up and left 2 months ago. No warning, nothing. I called him and tried to figure out what he was doing. He was trying to 'find' himself and make sure I was what he still wanted. He came clean this weekend that he had indeed slept with someone else that first week. He said he had felt so guilty he could not even look at me. Our relationship had issues before this, we spent NO time together at all. We led separate lives. I spent the 1st month he was gone trying desparately to make him realize how much I loved and needed him. He started to come home several times, and the OW would interfere by making up stories about something I had supposedly done, and he'd be gone again. He has been in and out of mine and our daughter's lives, back and forth between the OW and us. I am so hurt by what he's done I can't even think straight. I am now getting involved in a relationship that I know is a train wreck waiting to happen. It started out as 2 friends pulling eachother through some tough times, as his wife is doing the same thing to him. The temptation is there, although we have not completely given into it. When I talk to my husband, one moment he is warming up to me, telling me how much he loves me and misses me, I'm his soul mate, etc. Then he'll come over, his cell will ring, it's the OW and he's gone again. I am now dealing with guilt of my own over this 'friend'. We are spending more and more time together. He has helped me to keep from going over edge. We talk alot about our situations, and we really seem to connect. I can't handle the roller coaster ride my H is putting me through. If he were to tell me he were coming home I would let him in a heartbeat. But everytime he starts playing games I find myself running back to my 'friend'. Not that we have spaced ourselves apart too much through this anyhow. I know this is wrong, but it is so mich easier to be with him than to be alone. I really want my H to come home, but as each day passes I come to realize more and more I need to let go. He actually told me last night that this whole affair was my fault, because we didn't work well together. I am so lost in the pain I feel and what is happening between my 'friend' and I that I don't know what to do... I need help. I feel as though I am gonna go off the edge. My 'friend' and I have actually talked about the fact that we were worried that one or the other would have a chance at reconciliation. WHat would happen then? I guess we are both feeling jilted and afraid to lose the one thing that is going for us right now through these times! I know I am making more of a mess of my life now... Where do I go from here?

You don't have a 'friend'. You have a OM with whom you are having an Emotional Affair. You need to end this relationship with a no contact letter and never see or contact him again.

Every WS (Wayward Spouse) says the affair is all the BS's (Betrayed Spouse) fault. It's part of the 'fog' they go through. The fantasy world they create to justify and sustain their affair, which is an addiction much like a cocaine addiction. He is going back and forth because his ENs (Emotional Needs) are being met by two women right now. Neither of you meet all of them.

The first thing I suggest you do is to read all of the Basic Concepts out here. The second thing is to order the book 'Surviving an Affair' and memorize it. Seriously, make this book a part of you. I also think you need to get a professional marriage counselor/coach involved in the situation.

You need to get into a good Plan A where you elimiate your LBs (Love Busters, get that book, too) and meet the ENs that he will allow you to meet. You need to expose the affair through an exposure letter to friends and family. You also need to start using Radical Honesty to tell him how the affair makes you feel (while avoiding LBs). You also need to begin respectfully negotiating the end to his affair, no contact with the OW whatsoever, and commitment to marital recovery.

As there is a Plan A, there also is a Plan B, but that is a later discussion.

NOTE: DO THE FIRST PARAGRAPH FIRST.

Take Takola's advice, avoid the trainwreck. I know exactly how you feel. I came very close to getting in too deep with OW's H. It started out innocent. He got back from active duty and I let him know what was going on while he was off defending our country. I really felt bad for him. He did nothing to deserve this mess. We became allies and comforted each other. To top it off he is cute, cute, cute. Also kind, a good dad, hard worker, and fun. Luckily he (more than I) realized that what we were doing was not right. Now I just wave as he drives by. And I'm so thankful that we didn't cause more problems. Please realize that right now you are very vulnerable, and any type of relationship you indulge in will not be in your best interest, or fair to the other party either.

I agree with the other posters. The vulnerable place that you are in is no place to be making decisions regarding a new relationship. And truly it is an affair since you are still married and any actions that you take progressing it along will later be regretted.

I know that it's hard not to have someone to lean on. This is the hardest thing you will probably go through. But if you want your M to work, you HAVE to go through all the steps necessary to say that you have done all that you can. It is very sad that you are going through this and I'm so sorry for your pain and the pain of your daughter.

Stay in contact here, lean on us. We will be there for you.

I want to thank everyone for the sound advise! I know my relationship with this other guy is wrong. I took steps to stop it today. It is hard to not have someone to lean on, but I REALLY don't want something to happen that I'm gonna later regret.
I want my marriage to work more than anything else, I'm just not sure he's willing to try. He did say he was getting really tired of this OW, as she has been pushing him to committing to her full time. She can't seem to deal with the idea that he has a family at home, and we should be coming before her. He is still insisting that the affair was mt fault, and I hope that one day he can see that in order for this to work we have to both give ourselves completely to the cause. I am more than willing!
He goes through stages where he acts like he wants to come home, then turns his back on me again an hour later. We spent some time together this past weekend, and some yesterday afternoon. He even went looking for a vehicle for me. I had sold my other to put money on a really nice one, and then he took it out from under me. Now I have been left to drive the girls around in a VERY unreliable truck, while he carts the OW around in a really nice SUV. I guess I am resentful about that one.
I printed out lots of the articles, and asked him to please read them. I told him that they even describe things leading up to the affair. I really don't know if he will or not. This is going to take 2 to make it work! I can't do it on my own.
I am dreading this upcoming holiday, as my family has been really hurt by him walking out on me and seeing what it had done to me. I know they will all be full of advise about going to file for a divorce. My very own father, who I have always been close to, even told me he would isolate me from the family if I took him back. They see him as a very selfish person and have never cared much for him anyway.
But he has been the love of my life for too long for me to just give up so easily. I wish they could all understand that.
I wish I could erase all of this. If I had read these articles before this happened I would have been able to see where the marriage was starting to fail, and taken steps before an OW was involved.
Thanks again everyone!

Don't beat yourself up. Read about Plan A and Plan B so that you can be prepared and be doing the work that you need to do. Buy Surviving An Affair and read it to.

You are right that it takes 2, but it may take you for now and him once he comes out of his Fog and has no contact.

Good luck!

I sat and worked on a plan A, although it's hard because he still has not made any attempt to come home. I do however call his cell and tell him I just called to say hello. He visited for awhile last night again, and I worked really hard at following through with everything I said I would do.
We had a short discussion about the A, as she had left a poem she wrote for him laying around, and I just happen to be the one to find it. That was really a harsh thing, I should have saw it was from her and left it sit. It was just pure torture on my heart. From the sounds of the poem he ended the romantic involvement with her. She talked about how much she loved him and she's dying inside after all of the promises he broke to her. I asked if he were to come home is he willing to give up all contact. He said no. I guess I better continue with plan A for a bit more. I just don't know how well I am going to hold up. Sometimes I don't know if I'm gonna pull through.....

I guess it's time for me to give up on any hope of reconciliation. I was working PLAN A well, and he was spending lots of time with me at the apartment. But he ran right back to her last night, with the box of condoms he had kept in my drawer. We never used them, he had a vasectomy. I think he throws this stuff in my face just to try and continue to hurt me. I can't deal with the pain I'm feeling. I think I'm starting to build my defenses up against him. He said he felt that I should have been over the whole affair and trust thing in just one week of knowing. How can I be expected to let it go that quick? With the holidays approaching, I'm feeling so down that I don't even want to celebrate. If it weren't for my daughters I don't think I'd even get out of bed Thursday. I am half tempted to let them stay with Grandma and Grandpa so I don't have to. I feel so alone but yet I really don't want anyone's company. I have really lost control of all of my emotions again.

Kirston,
I know exactly how you feel. I feel so alone too. I just found out tuesday 11-25 and then he left on a football trip. My mind is racing trying to figure out what to do. I had told his kids about the affair, and from what I understand, he is very mad. He comes home tonight, well, back from NC tonight. He is staying at his sister's vacant home. I am so nervous about his arrival, but also anxious. When he left, he was begging to work things out and I was still so angry, I couldn't even think of that. Now, I feel differently but believe he probably won't anymore, after telling his kids. It is such an extremely hard thing to go through...and such a terrible time of year. When I found out, I was so angry..but when I hear the Christmas music I cry and cry mourning the loss of my family. IT's terrible!

I understand completely how you feel! My husband was furious when he found out the kids knew about it. But how couldn't they? He had left us. Then proceeded to introduce them to OW. My youngest daughter was with me when I caught him with her. I was on my way down to visit him at his job site. Boy was that something that child should have never seen. We talked more over the weekend, but it turned out bad again. He said things to me I don't know that I can recover from now. Basically told me he thinks our entire marriage has been a joke from the start. He also REALLY hurt me when he said he's gonna walk away from me and the girls, and just disappear. I asked him how he could leave them? I am one thing, but his own kids? He told me they will have me to thank for that. I am really ready to give up.He just doesn't seem to be the same person anymore. I tried plan B, but when I do he comes back around. And then it turns into another blow out. I am at a loss to figure out what I am supposed to do now. I know he is running with some shady people. I just wonder if he hasn't joined them in their intake of substances. It certainly would help to explain a ton of behavior!