Hi. It's been 2 months since I discovered my H having an EA for about 2 months with a woman from my son's Cub Scout Troop (A.K.A. the dating service of the millenium).

He ended it immediately. We are both seeing therapists. He is remorseful, guilty, ashamed, etc. Said he "knew it had to end but didn't know how to...was afraid OW would become "fatal attraction" like." he knew he wanted to stay with me and save our marriage.

This is one thing that is niggling and bothering me...up to the day I discovered the A, he was still lying and planning with her. The night before she called at 1am and off he went. He told me it was a work emergency. The day that I found out he was planning to go out that night with her too. I have questioned him over and over and he tells me what he stated above. Not sure how he was going to end it, but knew he had to. I am still having a hard time being satisfied with this answer.

For the last few weeks things were going so good. My H and I are truly closer now, he is attentive and we are more emotionally and physically intimate than we have been in YEARS! But for the past few days I feel like I am experiencing things all over again! I have been really down, angry, irritated, etc.

Last night it came to a head when I could not sleep b/c the thoughts were swirling again like they were 2 mos. ago. He was trying to sleep b/c it was late and I wanted to talk and he became very annoyed and frustrated at me. I told him if I start getting this response everytime I need to talk then we can just forget it! It was 1am but guess what, 1am didn't seem to matter when off he went to see her!
After arguing for a while he realized he was sounding like a jerk he said was sorry, said he'd watch how he responds. He was kinda shocked the past few days with my mood 'cause things were going so well.

I know no one has the answer on when it will be "all better." Guess I just need some emotional support from those who have experienced this.

I am trying to get a grip on how things may pan out for us by looking at everyone's experiences here.

Hopefully, I will come out of my "funk" before I host Thanksgiving dinner here next week! YIKES!

Hi fraggles,

Try not to be too hard on yourself.What you are and will be going through is similar to PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). One day you are doing great and the next you are right there in the "carcrash".It is a normal reaction to a very serious emotional blow.It happens to me too.

The best thing I can do at the time that it becomes so real again is to do something nice for myself AND be away from my husband. I feel a tendency to say hurtful things and remind him how he hurt me and that isn't helpful to us moving forward and rebuilding and trust.So I try to make myself scarce until I regain some composure.Doesn't always happen that well but I keep tring and get better at it.I think in time,those experiences will become less threatening and hurtful as we cope.

If at another time when you are both calm and want to explore more details, then do so but remember: think first before you ask because you don't want to keep rehashing hurtful details if they are **destructive, not constructive.

October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> The best thing I can do at the time that it becomes so real again is to do something nice for myself AND be away from my husband. I feel a tendency to say hurtful things and remind him how he hurt me and that isn't helpful to us moving forward and rebuilding and trust.So I try to make myself scarce until I regain some composure.Doesn't always happen that well but I keep tring and get better at it.I think in time,those experiences will become less threatening and hurtful as we cope.

If at another time when you are both calm and want to explore more details, then do so but remember: think first before you ask because you don't want to keep rehashing hurtful details if they are **destructive, not constructive.

October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for your response, October.
I have often thought that I should remove myself from my H's company when I feel this way; wanting to remind him again and again of the pain he has caused. After all, he is the reason I feel like this, shouldn't he know it when I do feel like this? But I can't get myself to get away for a bit. While I am explaining my feelings, etc. I need to have his arms around me.

I have found myself in the position of hating not being at his side at all times. (not when he is at work, of course) My sexual drive has increased since D-Day?!?! Is that normal? All I ever read is tips on how to return to sexual intimacy. I can't get enough and when it seems like he doesn't want "it", I feel so hurt.

I have turned down a weekend away with my friends coming up b/c I could not bear being away from him for 2 days.

With him starting to feel frustrated, annoyed, etc. it scares me. What if he cannot take it? I cannot heal alone.

Boy, I am confused. *sigh*

Hi again,

Yeah,I'm right there with ya. My sex drive has soared and although in the beginning it was great,things have dwindled down a bit(my husband had an EA/PA).I realize that it is because of what we are going through.It is hard for us both.

I would secretly love to remind H every day how much I have been and am still hurting from his A but he already knows and there is no constructive use to making him feel down more each day if we are to try to make the marraige work.So I am in Plan A right now.

One thing that I have been doing now for the past two weeks is working on myself:facing my fears( the biggest is the idea of not being married to H anymore and having him in my life the way I want,etc)and trying to increase my self esteem,self worth and doing things to make me a stronger person,something that you should focus on more of so you are not appearing as a weakened wife following your H around(not saying you are but it is just a scenario).

I think you should go on that trip with your friends. Show him, in at least this simple way, that you do have a life that doesn't include him.Make him think that you could,in a way, be ok without him even if it is killing you inside.That is more attractive at this point than someone who appears very needy.

Try to be patient. I know that is very hard to do but when he is ready to be intimate with you,let him come to you on his terms not because he felt forced/pressured to or because he sees you as needy.

Are you seeing a MC?

Octobe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Are you seeing a MC? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not yet. We are both seeing our own therapists. We have talked about it and we will go for MC soon. I need to get over the inital shock of the EA before I can delve into our past and what went wrong!

There are a few reasons that I am reluctant to take that trip. First, my H works shift work and I spend every other week at home alone with the kids b/c he works until midnight. We get very little time to be together. Second, after a conversation a few weeks back encouraging my H to open up about what made him so unhappy, he told me how much my trips with friends (I took quite a few over the course of a couple of years) really bothered him. He was afraid of losing me, afraid I was "doing something" (which I wasn't and never dreamed of!) but he never said that then. He always said, "Go! Have fun!" If he had opened up then, I would have respected his feelings or at least tried to show him that nothing was going to happen.

I will try to pull away though. I did go to the movies with a friend last week! Silly as it sounds, I was proud of myself! It was a week when he is home at night and one part of me felt I should be home with him, but my friend and I had been trying to get out together for about 6 months! Maybe that is what I need to do...baby steps.

Thanks, October!

Well here is my bad thoughts for the day.

My H & I have been working on our marriage for four mts now.

We have been married 26 yrs I was 16

Anyway kids grown he decides he needs more.

He gets a MOW for 10 mts no ideal here about anything.

Tells me in Aug. After our 26th anniversary. That he wants to leave and be with her.

NO WAY IN HE** will this happen.
So then he says he will work on our marriage and get rid of her.

OH and yes the sexually drive went out the roof here. We have had sex everyday since he told me.
More sex then in our 26 yrs.

So Nov.18 comes around and he tells me he has never stopped seeing her and it is their one year Anniversary. He is here at home every night on time. She wanted him to stay the night with her in a hotel and he said no.

Anyway they kissed and hugged NO sex cause I have him every night worn out.

I am in a black hole right now.
But I will not give up.

He says he loves us both.
She gets him 1 to 2 hrs every other day.
around lunch I guess.

He always comes home on time and never leaves during the night.Here every weekend also.

So how long you think she will keep up with no time . And him having sex with me all the time ???

She wants him to leave me and he won't.
So she is seeing him lie to her over & over

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK this can go on ??????