Ok, so you and your H are separated and he is still OW - to the best of your knowledge anyway, But he seems to be interested in spending some time with you, particularly over the holiday weekend next week and you want to know what to do about it, right?

So the questions I have are:

Are you PlA or PlB?

If A - what have you done so far? (or what did you do if you are now in PlB?)

If B- did you send a PBL?

C - (here tonight for a little while, gone tomorrow and for the weekend and possibly Monday, won't know for sure until tomorrow.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok, so you and your H are separated and he is still OW - to the best of your knowledge anyway, But he seems to be interested in spending some time with you, particularly over the holiday weekend next week and you want to know what to do about it, right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, we are still separated, but he and OW have broken it off. He tried to NC two other times, but said his heart really wasn't in it. Didn't last 48 hours. Now he has his heart in it.

We had many, many conversations about this. I told him to take his time. He needs to really, REALLY be sure because any relapse will result in divorce.

Throughout this thing, I've been very understanding and tolerant (see below). He also was more honest than many WS. I asked him to tell me when he was seeing her, which he did. That is what led to separation. After 2 months of this, it saddened me too much. We agreed that if he didn't live here for a while, he could spend time with her to try to make up his mind and I wouldn't have to agonize over it.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you PlA or PlB?

If A - what have you done so far? (or what did you do if you are now in PlB?)

If B- did you send a PBL? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been in Plan A since ILYBINILWY 8/7/03. He told me of A 9/2/03. Then depression set in. I remained in Plan A. He was trying to make a decision since then. Your signature says to Plan B at that time, but I decided to Plan A.

I have sent him a few notes telling him that when he ends the A, I will be here for him. He knows that I will not ever allow myself to be second fiddle again. My personality has been a follower, giver. So he can tell by my voice and actions that I mean business on this.

There are more details. Didn't know how much info you needed. Know you have LOTS of people needing you to read and respond to their posts.

I really appreciate your time! Thanks!

Ok, so you're saying that you are in PlA but that he needs to not come home until the A is over and he agrees to N/C, accountability and the other conditions for recovery?

Alright, I can be cool with that as long as you have the energy to do it and are not beginning to feel like he's not worth the time.

The thing that most people don't realize is that recovery is far more difficult than PlA or PLB - it's the rest of your life if you do it right. And the first weeks and even months are very very hard. The WS is grieving and in w/d and the BS is getting hit with resentment that is overwhelming.

I suspect that when he tried to end it before he wasn't prepared for the feelings and the difficulty he would encounter and now he's fearful of trying again - knowing that failure would be a really bad thing.

Although I agree with you that you need to set a boundary that says he needs to end it for real - when you make a threat that says if he tries to end it and there is renewed contact then you will divorce him - you might be setting the bar so high that he is afraid to try. Does that make any sense?

I'm not saying I disagree with that boundry - I have reservations about stating it explicitly as a threat.

Ok - but that doesn't address the holiday issue does it? Hmmmmm...... Let me ask you this - how will you feel if you spend the day or the weekend together and then he goes back to be with her and you don't hear from him for a week or more?

C (still here working for a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The thing that most people don't realize is that recovery is far more difficult than PlA or PLB - it's the rest of your life if you do it right. And the first weeks and even months are very very hard. The WS is grieving and in w/d and the BS is getting hit with resentment that is overwhelming.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gotcha ... know I gotta be prepared to be strong. I know I can do this!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Although I agree with you that you need to set a boundary that says he needs to end it for real - when you make a threat that says if he tries to end it and there is renewed contact then you will divorce him - you might be setting the bar so high that he is afraid to try. Does that make any sense?

I'm not saying I disagree with that boundry - I have reservations about stating it explicitly as a threat.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel comfortable with stating what the consequences of his action will be because it is how I feel deep down in my heart. It is something that I know I will follow through with. It is not meant to be a threat, rather something he would need to keep in mind if he is picking up the phone or whatever.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok - but that doesn't address the holiday issue does it? Hmmmmm...... Let me ask you this - how will you feel if you spend the day or the weekend together and then he goes back to be with her and you don't hear from him for a week or more?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Refer back to stuff I said above. I am absolutely certain that I cannot and will not go through this again. It was too detrimental to my health, both mentally and physically, and to our children witnessing their mother acting like a crazy woman, not taking care of them.

Divorce would be very hard on our children, but I can't be a good mother unless my brain is intact and I'm physically able to care for them. Since I'm a stay-at-home mom, it's important for me to be alive-and-well.

Okay, so to answer your question more pointedly. I would feel totally heartbroken. Recovery and withdrawal will be incredibly tough. I know I will have to be there for him to fall back on. I'm 100% committed to that.

If, however, he decides in the next week, month or year that he really wants out of the marriage, wants to go back to her (or someone new, or just doesn't want to be with me), I will have to live with that. I'm strong and will do fine, but DON'T want that to happen.

Ok - so then it sounds to me as if he needs to send a n/c letter and agree to conditions of recovery (including accountability) before you agree to spend the holidays together.

I think I remember too you said something about living apart. That's a really bad idea if he is ending the affair. If that's the case you need to stick together like glue - every minute of the day when he is not at work.

The first days and weeks of n/c are terrible and the temptation to call her or contact her somehow will be very strong - it really is an addiction. You need to be together so that it is much less likely to happen and so you know you are being protected and so both of you can occupy your minds with each other rather than with the A.

C

Makes sense to me. I've been thinking about this aspect of recovery a lot. Know that people who aren't familiar with MB concepts won't understand. How to handle that? Guess it doesn't matter what others think, guess I just tell them what you said.

Thanks so much for your advice, cerri!

A nurse at my doctor's office recommended this website ... she said not as a "nurse," but as a "person" she was recommending this. She's been in this situation. When I talked to her, though, it was before I knew of affair. Need to call her and tell her what a lifesaver ... literally ... this has been.

Ok, so you know how to do this right? You say, "I would LOVE to spend the holiday with you, but until I know that the affair is over and I have verifiable evidence that you have told her so I just can't put myself in the position of being hurt again." Cheerfully, pleasantly, courteously.

And if he says that he can't do that then you say, "Ok, well let me know when you can and I would be happy to talk about our future or to spend time with you." Also cheerfully........ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here are some things you have probably seen but I keep them saved in Word - and you should have them.

No contact letter to the affair partner:
• Out of respect and love for spouse and children s/he realizes that s/he must never see or speak to lover again.
• the relationship with lover was cruel and thoughtless and you did not deserve to be treated that way
• S/He is determined to be the spouse you deserve and have been missing
• S/He will not contact her again and asks that she respect his wish to end the relationship entirely
• You have been told all the details of the affair and will be told immediately if contact is attempted in the future.


The conditions for recovery are:

Radical Honesty.
Each of you must learn to be honest, in a way that is respectful and courteous, about all the events in your life. This includes how you feel about things that each of you does. Your hopes, dreams, and plans. And is particularly necessary in terms of accountability. You each need to know where the other one is and what you are doing 24/7. There can no longer be the opportunity for one of you to have a secret second life. This is one of the conditions that allows an affair to flourish.


Eliminating things that hurt each other:

This is where we look at things that each one does that either hurts or annoys their spouse. This ranges from abuse to simple habits that drive you wild.


Doing things to make each other happy:

Being honest and eliminating hurtful things will stop the pain. And then in order to restore love to the marriage you both must re learn what it is that reach of you needs to feel happy and fulfilled in the marriage, and then find ways to enjoy doing those things.


Time as a couple:

The primary reason marriages fall apart and lose the intimate connection is that couples stop spending time together as a couple. They do things with their kids or their friends and families. But to maintain, or rebuild, the feelings of love men and women in romantic relationships need to have time for just them.


Creating a way of life that is good for both of you at the same time:

You do this by making all your decisions in a way taking each other's feelings into account.

C

[Know that people who aren't familiar with MB concepts won't understand. How to handle that? Gb]uess it doesn't matter what others think, guess I just tell them what you said.[/b]

Just send 'em to me and I'll smack 'em around a little for ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks so much for your advice, cerri!

Always welcome.

You're the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stung by a Bee:
You're the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not bad for a high maintenance wife who doesn't do nice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks!

Okay, we had a great date. Nice Caribbean restaurant, great food, great music and, of course, great company. My husband looked so handsome and I was proud to be with him!

It was pretty loud and I think he was having some withdrawal anxiety, but also enjoying time with me. We didn't discuss much regarding recovery. When I started to talk about it, just felt that it wasn't the right time.

Regarding Thanksgiving, I asked if he would like to come to my parents. He said, "Let's take it slow." We will discuss again, but wanted to let him know that I want him to come with kids and me. Know my parents would welcome him with open arms.

I love the way he looks at me and smiles at me! His eyes just melt my heart! And hearing those three little words ... gives me butterflies!