I found out last week that my husband has been having an affair. The first day I was in shock, yelling, cussing, screaming...the 2nd day cried all day, 3rd day better, but still cried, 4th day, I had anxiety and the worst by far.

My husband broke all ties with this "person"(she is out of town and he met her while traveling) and is truly sorry (I would think they all say that), he has cried, said that he never realized how much he loved me until the day after I found out.

I told him to move out, and he did, and he keeps calling, wanting to talk, he is giving me affection like never before. Before this, we didn't have either much. I do realize part of it is my fault, but I didn't go looking for an affair.

He wants to move in, the counselor thinks it would be good, especially for our kids, and I think that is horrible. Let's just slap him on the hand. I am so confused. Earlier this week, I wanted to call a lawyer, now I want to separate for a while...

The worst part is that we have a trip scheduled with our kids and don't want to cancel for that reason and that reason alone (kids).

I feel so alone and betrayed. My heart is shattered.
Any advise???

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: rainbow03 ]</small>

Rainbow;

Please hold off on the lawyers, everything can be fixed, but your right a slap on the hand is not right. When I found out on 8/02 I took a slight, well totally different approach, I still don't know why, Im usually pretty aggressive (maybe it's the business woman in me) but HE never thought I would say, "OK, well then we need to make a plan and repair what’s been done!" I find now that by remaining calm I actually helped us, but my story is a little different since they worked together as officers and he couldn't just be transferred from one day to another. But enough about me, you need to take time and think, it's hard now and I think seeking a counselor is positive! I'm glad your here, post also in General Questions (a lot more activity there), seek pepperband and toomuchcoffee, they've help me step out of hell on several occasions. Be strong, and as I say onebreathatatime. Good luck!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi rainbow,

I'm sorry you have to join our group of betrayed spouses.I was in your place a little over a month ago too.

Don't try to force any definite decisions right now. You are now on the rollercoaster of H*** as we have all been and your emotions will be all over the map.Each day will be different.One day you will feel ok the next you are a basket case.It is normal for that to happen since you have been through a major life crisis/trauma.You are in a grieving state.

Since this is all new to you,please continue to come here,read through people's posts and start off by getting 'Surviving an Affair' by Dr.Harley and some others that he has written.The Surviving...book has really helped me and my husband a lot so far.

Yes your heart is shattered and it is a terrible thing to have to go through.But,another very important thing you need to do is to take care of you.If you are already seeing a marriage counselor,that is great.Make sure that if you are not sleeping,losing weight and are not able to function at all during the day,especially for your kids,talk about the possibility of an antidepressant.

I was very reluctant to take one at first but it helped me tremendously during the first few weeks after finding out.I was able to start eating again,sleep a little and function more and also my emotions were more "stablilized".

If the affair is truly over with no contact(NC) than you may try to consider having your husband come and stay at the house. I know that is really hard to think about but for one thing,it shows your children that mommy and daddy are having trouble but that you are trying to work it out together and from what you said,he sounds sincere about his mistake and it may be helpful to have him there(separate beds perhaps)to work this out,if that's what you want. My husband is at our house too and it has made it easier for us to work on our marriage but that choice is up to you and so discuss it more with your counselor.

I don't think having him stay at the house is saying that what he did was any less painful or any less wrong than if he didn't stay there.For me,it means that we are trying to work things out but again,that's up to you and how you feel.

Also,telling my family(both sides) what happened was the best thing for me.They all rallied around me for support at a time when I needed it the most in my life.

There is a lot to do now if you want to try to save your marriage.But read more so you can have a better understanding of this and what you can be doing.

I hope this helped.

Keep us posted.

October

((((((rainbow))))))))

Hugs to you, girl. This will probably be the most difficult thing you will go through in your life.

If you look at my signature line, you can see some of my story. First night he told me I cried, yelled, threw up, cried some more and yelled some more. I don't really yell at him much so it was a change.

The next morning I called my doctor to find a counselor. Talked to a triage nurse who told me about this website. She said it helped her tremendously. My whole body just shut down, no eating, sleeping ... only crying. No taking care of children, cooking, reading, nothing except dealing with what am I going to do about affair?

After a few days, I was able to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I also did as Octobergirl did (except first night and once or twice since then). Told my husband that I loved him with all my heart and wanted to stay married to him, to have a better marriage than before.

I let him know it was safe to come home. He in turn was honest with me about when he went to see her. After time, though, it wore on me and he moved out. Now the affair has ended. Tonight we are having a date.

Our plan, should he decide to remain with me, was that he would stay out of the house for a while. Now, I've changed my mind.

Check out my thread on General Questions called "A date with WH, that is the question" and on JFO started by cerri called "Stung by a Bee".

If your husband's affair is over, it may be best to welcome him with open arms. Let him know how much you love him. Let him know that he hurt you in the worst way and you will need help to get past that.

Trust will be an issue for you, but pray hard and think positively.

We're all here for you. Post often. Keep us up to date.

Rainbow: I would like to encourage you with the information my experience that not only can you recover, but you can have a better marriage than before. Your reactions now are complettely normal - you will be on an emotional rollercoaster for quite some time. Please try to breath deep and take some time to make your decisions. I would vote for you to let your husband return home, too, if you can find it in yourself to do so without constantly exploding at him, badgering him for information, and generally using the affair as a club with which to beat your husband. The temptation to do so is HUGE, and something with which I still struggle from time to time. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. To recover, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by rainbow03:
Any advise???

The sharp edges of your pain will dull over time.

Those sharp edges make your "thinker" a little loose.

Here's some quick off the cuff advice for the newly murdered <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (well, it feels like you died, doesn't it?)

1. See your MD or RNP. Ask to be checked for STDs. Ask for medication if you need something to sleep, or if you get depressed. That can be a lifesaver. Tell your MD/RNP what circumstances bring you there. Ask if you can call on them for support.

2. See your priest, or minister, or rabbi. Get some spiritual assistance. A bridge over troubled waters.

3. Start a journal. Vent, brainstorm, let it all out on paper. Use your journal as your journey out of your misery.

3. DO NOT MAKE ANY MAJOR DECISIONS about staying in or leaving the marriage for at least 6 months.

4. Contact the appropriate persons at your kids' school, and tell them there is a family crisis, and you want to be informed if the kids' begin to act out ... advise the school to tell you right away so that child can get counseling.

5. Write about what you deserve in a marriage. Put this in your journal.

6. Write out your personal goals. Now is a great time to begin that exercise/dance/art/music project you've been thinking about. Blossom your inner beauty.

7. Now blossom your outer beauty. Hair,nails, make-up. (I threw away ALL my undergarments, and I indulged in some really fancy stuff. I was constructing a new me from the inside out and from the *bottom* up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

8. Start a new way of communicating with your H. Ask him to put his thoughts in letter form. Sometimes this cuts down the yelling portion of recovery. You can pass notes.

9. Read recovery books. Click the MB "bookstore" link at the top of the page, just under the big red Marriage Builders title.

10. Allow yourself some time. Cut yourself some slack. If you decide to attempt recovery, be aware, it is a long term effort. About 2 years is average. You might want to invite your H to MB boards.

~~~~~~ We are nearly 8 years recoverd.

God Bless your hurting heart.

Pep

Thank you so far for everyone that has responded. I know that this is the longest bumpiest road I will travel, and I am truly happy I found this web site.