<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Like everyone else who posts, I have a problem that could use some of your advice. My husband and I have been married for 2 years & 1 month. When we were 5 months married I cheated on him with a coworker (once) and lived with the horrible guilt until about 4 or 5 months
ago. When I told him he was totally devastated, but somehow over time forgave me and even gave his trust back to me.Things were going well- not
perfect, but well until only a couple of weeks ago. A friend and his wife (also a friend) was staying the night at our house. Well my husband
and his wife went to bed and somehow we ended up kissing. No sex, just kissed. I thought I could keep this inside and bear with the guilt
because it didn't go farther than kissing, but I couldn't- my conscience always gets me. I told my husband a couple of nights ago and once again
devastated him. I don't know if it made a difference that we didn't have sex or not seeing that this friend was like a best friend to him. I
slept yesterday to avoid my husband when he came home and tonight he is at a friend's house. I can only imagine what's going through his
mind. I truly am not a bad person and my love for him is unconditional. I don't know why this has happened- I'm sure that alcohol has a large part
to do with it (in both situations), but that's no excuse for hurting my husband who I never want to experience any pain especially caused by
me. To make things worse, I am scheduled to leave for a week and a half on Monday. I don't know why this has happened and don't know what to do
to make it better. I'm sure my husband is now thinking this is the kind of person he married which is not true. Please help me.. I want nothing more than to make this marriage work I just hope it's not too late.

Thank You
Sad in CA

In21

I believe you should contact a marriage counselor for you and your husband next week. If I we're in your situation, I would cancel the leave and work on my marriage. Don’t tell me you can’t cancel the leave because there are always provisions for emergencies. This is an emergency.

What you are doing is playing with fire. You have already hurt the guy that loves you the most because you have made selfish choices. Perhaps that says a lot about your problems...selfishness. You are lucky that H is willing to work on the marriage. Many guys would have already kicked you out. Don't blow it.

Beau

The first time you had an affair you did not take proper steps that would result in a lasting recovery that would help you avoid this happening again. There is a way, but it is not easy. Click on the link in my signature line, below.

Hello,

You have received good advise. You desperately need to seek a therapist to understand why you are self-destructing your marriage and inflicting so much pain on your husband. Ask yourself what your reaction would be if the roles were reversed.
You have had sex with another man after only 5 months in your marriage. You then engage in a kissing session with a very good friend to your
husband in your house while your husband is sleeping in your bed.
I believe most men would probably walk away from this marriage. Down deep I think for whatever reason you are on a path to destroy your marriage if you have not already done us. I believe your only hope is immediate therapy to understand why you are destroying your marriage and your husband.
I wish you luck.

IN,

This site counsels "radical honesty". You should read Harley's articles on this topic. It also suggests that one use the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. WHich means that no actions or decisions of importance to the marriage be taken or made until both sides agree. I would strongly recommend this to you for your reading and consideration.

It is good that you have told your H the truth. You are to be commended for this. However, (you knew that was coming didn't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) you need to be honest with yourself and you have not been.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sure my husband is now thinking this is the kind of person he married which is not true. Please help me.. I want nothing more than to make this marriage work I just hope it's not too late.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are the kind of person who would cheat on her husband. You are the kind of person that would hurt him for your own pleasure. You are the kind of person that things the marriage vows don't apply to you. This are facts. Cold hard facts IN. You actions have demonstrated this.

The only question remains are you going to be that kind of a person? Or are you going to address your reasons for doing what you have done? Are you going to make changes in your life to address your actions, your decision making, and your view of marriage?

You say you love your H unconditionally, but that clearly isn't true. Further, for better or worse your marriage is NOT providing what you seem to need. You need to figure out what it is you think you are missing and then address whether or not it is a reasonable thing for your H to provide.

Have you discussed with your H your upcoming trip? Have you created a plan to help reassure him that you are behaving on this trip?

I would strongly suggest counseling for you, and ultimately for your marriage. Something is going on, and YOU need to figure out what it is.

Please read some of the articles on this site, and seriously consider counseling. We will do our best to help you and answer questions, but YOU must do some serious evaluating of yourself and your beliefs. It will be a while before you H trusts you again, and frankly he should not until YOU make some serious changes in your thinking.

God Bless,

JL

I thank you all for your concern and advice. I don't like to hear what all of you are saying, but maybe it's what I need. To look at yourself from someone else's point of view is a lot different. For an update.. I am seeking counseling for myself- I need to make huge changes regardless of whether my husband forgives me or not. I also am not drinking anymore and plan to reestablish my relationship with God. I don't know what the future holds for my relationship, but hopefully my H will notice these changes taking place in me and I can prove to be the one that he deserves. As for the trip home, I am still going. I talked to my H and he wants me to go (I'm sure because he wants time away from me to think.) Please keep me in your thoughts as I am you and if anyone else has advice I am all ears. Thanks again LN